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Original poster

DF deliberately gave everyone shit presents. What now?

165 replies

bananasindressinggowns · 25/12/2022 20:26

I don't care if this is outing at this point. A few weeks ago 'D'F gleefully admitted he was giving his sister and her family shit presents. We weren't sure why as they are lovely people, but stupidly we didn't think he'd do the same to us, until this morning when we discovered he'd gifted:

  • a dirty '2010' snow globe (me)
  • a broken filing cabinet (my sibling)
  • two books about suicide/SA/grief/estrangement - subject matters that me and my siblings have dealt with personally
  • a cardboard box and sellotape (his sibling)
  • black bin bags (his niece and nephew)

Radio silence from him today, he knows what he's done. This isn't about the presents themselves, either. Me and siblings did small but meaningful gifts - books we liked, little stocking fillers, comfy socks etc.

Me and my siblings (all late twenties) have had a difficult relationship with 'D'F in the past, but we thought we were all in a good place now - semi-regular visits, phone calls, texts, etc. We did a 4 hour round trip a few weeks ago to give him and his partner their presents as they were heading to other family for Christmas. Had a lovely lunch together, a good catch-up, lots of chat about plans for next year. We put together some really nice meaningful presents for them.

I don't understand why he's done this to his entire family - the effort he's gone to to order this shit off of eBay, wrapping all the presents, acting like everything was totally normal and then flipping the switch today. We're so hurt and confused but I'm also pissed off I didn't see it coming - he's been pulling shit like this for years. Do we confront him? Pretend like we love it all? Ignore it? Send it all back? What a sad bitter man.

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 25/12/2022 21:02

Dont react - people like this get off on causing upset or having arguments. If he asks keep it very low key, dont feed the drama.

ScrabbleRabbler · 25/12/2022 21:04

how does he behave generally?

id collect everyone’s shit gifts and regift it back to him on his birthday.

Petronus · 25/12/2022 21:05

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 25/12/2022 20:33

Do nothing.

He wants a reaction. Do not give him a reaction.

Don’t mention it. If he mentions gifts ask politely which presents were from him. Make him say what they were.

Totally agree. Don’t give him any oxygen.

Then next year tell him you have decided not to exchange gifts and give him nothing.

category12 · 25/12/2022 21:06

I think you should probably give yourself the gift of no/low contact with him.

AnotherEmma · 25/12/2022 21:08

Have you ever ventured onto the stately homes threads and/or read "toxic parents" by Susan forward? If not, you should.

Your father sounds like a very difficult father to have and it probably needs a lot of unpicking, more than a mumsnet thread can cover. But to start with you should make a LOT less effort with him. Stop giving him presents, stop travelling to visit him and/or making any other sacrifices to see him, only see him if and when it genuinely suits you, send him cards for birthday and Christmas if you must, but don't spend time picking out just the right card. Don't have expectations, if he sends you a nice gift then thank him (but not profusely) and if he sends you a shit gift on purpose, just don't say anything, don't react at all, quietly bin it and don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he's upset you.

If the idea of doing all the above makes you feel anxious or guilty, get some counselling to work on it.

EmmaAgain22 · 25/12/2022 21:09

TheTreeDilemma · 25/12/2022 20:50

Is he unwell?

I wondered that too.

But OP, did you not think it odd when he said it about other people?

Hellybelly84 · 25/12/2022 21:16

What an odd person. I’d stay well away, throw the ‘gifts’, forget about it and cut contact. Dont give him the reaction he’s craving.

TheOinkySplit · 25/12/2022 21:19

So sorry, there are shit dad's that don't know what their kids are opening, or don't bother at all. What your dad did was calculated, delivered and downright cruel. I'm so sorry.

ZestFest · 25/12/2022 21:19

I agree with the posters who say give him no reaction whatsoever and carry on. Reduce contact, don't send presents in future send a card at Birthday and Christmas if you like but nothing further. Try to retreat emotionally and take your power back.

kittensinthekitchen · 25/12/2022 21:21

Well, what did you say when he (assuming this is your father?) told you he was gifting crap to other family members? Why do you think it would be any different for you?

Stompythedinosaur · 25/12/2022 21:21

I would say nothing, say I'm not exchanging gifts the next year, and keep my distance emotionally from a man who wants spread unhappiness to people he is meant to care about on Christmas day.

Emotionalsupportviper · 25/12/2022 21:22

Don't comment.

Keep the presents.

Re-gift them on his birthday.

Never spend money on him again. Give him the insides of toilet rolls, free crayons from kids' happy meal, a beermat from your local, an empty takeaway carton.

He's a tw*t.

deflated111 · 25/12/2022 21:27

Could this ne the start of MH / dementia? I dont mean he didn't know what he was doingm but being nasty deliberately can be a symptom.

deflated111 · 25/12/2022 21:34

Re-gift them on his birthday.
😁

VahineNuiWentHome · 25/12/2022 21:36

Has he actually ever explained why he did that to his sister?

And what did she say to him when he did that?

Im wondering how it fits with his usual behaviour when you were growing up.
Im actually even wondering if he wants a relationship with any if you tbh.

JustKittenAround · 25/12/2022 21:37

He sounds like he has something deeply wrong with him.

Namechangeforthis88 · 25/12/2022 21:37

Is it possible he has some sort of personality disorder? Might he be "testing" your relationships in a way that has set everyone up to fail? Setting it all up so that he can say later you all rejected him again and it wasn't his fault no one can take a joke these days. Telling his mates down the pub he can't believe his family have cut him out because his gifts weren't good enough, he hadn't spent enough on you.

I'm just trying to make some sense of such blatant sabotaging relationships. Whatever it is, you deserve better. I'd be going very cold anyway.

Soothsayer1 · 25/12/2022 21:50

blimey, I'd probably treat him like a mad distant uncle from now on😐

Adviceneeded200 · 25/12/2022 21:50

Weird.

Funny would be Nessa's celebrations or taps (if she hadn't done it before) but his choices are just random s##t not even humorous.

Strange guy.

Weatherwax13 · 25/12/2022 21:52

He's round the bend. You don't need someone like this in your life OP.

CPL593H · 25/12/2022 21:56

He sounds horrible. Say nothing, don't rise to the bait, reduce contact to something between zero and almost nothing, withdraw.

tikkititi · 25/12/2022 21:57

The broken shit/ bin bags is just mean but

"two books about suicide/SA/grief/estrangement - subject matters that me and my siblings have dealt with personally"

Takes it to another level.

I would block him and I don't say that lightly. I'm nc with my own father and it takes guts but Jesus this is about developing the self respect to not permit him to treat you like this.

Mezmer · 25/12/2022 21:59

Did he also gift you a horses head in your bed?

Lemonademoney · 25/12/2022 22:00

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 25/12/2022 20:33

Do nothing.

He wants a reaction. Do not give him a reaction.

Don’t mention it. If he mentions gifts ask politely which presents were from him. Make him say what they were.

I’d be tempted to do this - is he spoiling for a feud? What a strange strange thing to do

CoffeeBoy · 25/12/2022 22:04

Agree the books are the worst, he’s looking to hurt you. I’d be going NC and wouldn’t bother telling him why.