DF deliberately gave everyone shit presents. What now?

[bananasindressinggowns]

I don't care if this is outing at this point. A few weeks ago 'D'F gleefully admitted he was giving his sister and her family shit presents. We weren't sure why as they are lovely people, but stupidly we didn't think he'd do the same to us, until this morning when we discovered he'd gifted:

• a dirty '2010' snow globe (me)
• a broken filing cabinet (my sibling)
• two books about suicide/SA/grief/estrangement - subject matters that me and my siblings have dealt with personally
• a cardboard box and sellotape (his sibling)
• black bin bags (his niece and nephew)

Radio silence from him today, he knows what he's done. This isn't about the presents themselves, either. Me and siblings did small but meaningful gifts - books we liked, little stocking fillers, comfy socks etc.

Me and my siblings (all late twenties) have had a difficult relationship with 'D'F in the past, but we thought we were all in a good place now - semi-regular visits, phone calls, texts, etc. We did a 4 hour round trip a few weeks ago to give him and his partner their presents as they were heading to other family for Christmas. Had a lovely lunch together, a good catch-up, lots of chat about plans for next year. We put together some really nice meaningful presents for them.

I don't understand why he's done this to his entire family - the effort he's gone to to order this shit off of eBay, wrapping all the presents, acting like everything was totally normal and then flipping the switch today. We're so hurt and confused but I'm also pissed off I didn't see it coming - he's been pulling shit like this for years. Do we confront him? Pretend like we love it all? Ignore it? Send it all back? What a sad bitter man.

He's definitely done this because he wants drama, attention and a reaction from all of you.

The only way to deal with people like this is to ignore them completely.

Oh only just realised what DF means I thought it was friend. But it's your Dad!! That's disgusting and much worse than I initially thought.

I think this is way way beyond the pale, like verging on some kind of mental breakdown tbh😟

I don't think he's ill. My BiL was just like this - he'd have thought it was a hilarious prank, and wouldn't have expected people to feel deeply hurt but to laugh and start planning their equally-funny revenge. It sounds like your DF is just a total wanker.

Thank you for the responses on this, we've spent most of the day wondering if we were overreacting so it's helpful to have different perspectives. If he hadn't made the comment about his sister, I think I would have genuinely just written it off as bad gift giving - but then again he is usually very thoughtful and creative when it comes to gifts.

To add to the absolute mindfuck that today has been, he has now messaged us as if everything is completely normal: "Totally blown away by the thought and care selecting our pressies. So touched xx" along with about 15 photos of them posing with the presents we gave them. I feel a bit sick even writing that. None of us have responded, obviously.

I'm going to be really annoying and drip-feed now, but in my defence I mainly wrote this because I was doubting whether the hurt and upset was justified or not and didn't want to turn it into a family history essay.

I think (hope?) he might be unwell. In hindsight, I shouldn't be surprised by this as he does have form for being petty and vindictive when he feels slighted, but he can also be kind and supportive and practical and loving. To me, that does suggest it's a mental health thing, as it's not consistent behaviour and him and his sister used to be very close - they live on opposite sides of the country but would meet up for Christmas and birthdays and special events.

I should have spoken up when he told us about the presents. He doesn't react well to confrontation, which is why we didn't, and I stupidly assumed he was giving rubbish presents alongside good ones - like an actual funny joke. We sent her and her family our own separate presents (fucking great presents!) which they really appreciated, and we'll call her in a few days to see what she thinks is going on.

The books are fucking horrible though. For those who might be wondering - Book 1: The End of Loneliness - about three siblings who become estranged after their parents die. Funnily enough, we are three siblings and our lovely mum died 3 years ago. Book 2: A Little Life. I spent a month with a crisis team as a teenager being treated for SH and debilitating anxiety and struggled for years with it, he used to drive me to appointments.

For now, we're going to pretend this hasn't happened. No comments, no acknowledgement, no reaction and LC for the foreseeable. I like all the petty revenge ideas and am quite tempted to ship everything back to him, but I don't want to give him the satisfaction and I'm not sure I'll get an honest conversation out of him.

The books are quite horrible and should give you quite some pause I think. They had to be chosen and found. They are not books easily found.

The text is to rub it in. I suspect that your father has a personality disorder. He may be charming when it suits but these gifts are extremely aggressive.

How about a really straight faced,clear sit down talk to him. " dad we need to talk. Everyone in sorry is in a complete mind fuck over the presents.i need you to help me understand what went on here?" You need clarification.
No mind games
No passive aggressive.
No wondering.
If he's I'll he needs help
If he's an ass he needs help
And just knowing is something your family needs.

That is next level with regards to vile present-giving.

That phrase “it’s the thought that counts”. He’s obviously thought VERY hard about how vile his presents were going to be. It’s not a random odd one here and there.

Obviously, you know him better than anyone on here, but there is no way I’d be excusing that level and spread of presents as ill health.

Personally, I wouldn’t do a PA move such as dumping them on his doorstep/regifting for a birthday. I would go NC and wait for him to contact and then I’d say how inappropriate they were and await his response. Playing games is not going to help you whether he’s ill or cruel. You need to know the reason asap to then figure out the way forward.

Whatever the reason, I’m sorry this happened to you, especially regarding the books.

he has now messaged us as if everything is completely normal: "Totally blown away by the thought and care selecting our pressies. So touched xx" along with about 15 photos of them posing with the presents we gave them.

You don't have to say, but who is the other person in 'our' and 'them'? If it's a partner/spouse I can't believe that person went along with this. If my husband had done such a nasty thing and I hadn't been able to stop him, I would have sent separate 'nice' gifts (from me alone) and I would have told all of you that I had nothing to do with his gifts and/or that he was having MH issues.

But I do agree not to give him the satisfaction of a reaction. Although the books were a truly nasty thing to do, I don't know if I could keep quiet about those.

His partner probably doesn't know what he gave.

the books - is he the type to buy without looking at subject matter? He might have bought those without intending to be cruel. I can see those two on a booksellers' table. That in turn makes me think that they might have been meant as the decent gift.

but generally I would leave it, you say he can be vindictive etc. I'd go NC unless you really think he is ill.

Ignore it then next year before Christmas tell him your not gifting as you can't afford it.

This is deeply unpleasant and odd. The books about suicide and grief are awful. I’m so sorry

What Kate said.

And check in with his partner and see if she's OK. This might be her life all the time.

Could be worth having a word with his partner, to see what she thinks of all this

for now, we're going to pretend this hasn't happened. No comments, no acknowledgement, no reaction and LC for the foreseeable. I like all the petty revenge ideas and am quite tempted to ship everything back to him, but I don't want to give him the satisfaction and I'm not sure I'll get an honest conversation out of him
I think this is absolutely spot on.

There's a difference between having a mental health condition and just being plain mean, vile and spiteful.

For now, we're going to pretend this hasn't happened. No comments, no acknowledgement, no reaction and LC for the foreseeable.

I wonder if this is what he was looking for?

He could have manipulated this to be about everyone else being LC with him when actually he wants to distance himself but hasn't the balls to do it?

Either way I'm sorry this happened

This first thing this reminds me of is the cheques for ten shillings that my grandma started sending in the last years before she died (in 2008!). Interesting that so many here see the 'gifts' as deliberately vindictive and spiteful rather than just incomprehensibly weird.

I don't understand why he's done this to his entire family -
For attention.

the effort he's gone to to order this shit off of eBay, wrapping all the presents, acting like everything was totally normal and then flipping the switch today.
For attention & drama.
(Look at how much effort he went to. That's not a joke, it's somebody investing a lot of thought & time because they want a reward. In dad's case, the sick reward of "let's piss everyone off so I get to be the main event this xmas & they'll all be talking about it every xmas to come."

We're so hurt and confused but I'm also pissed off I didn't see it coming - he's been pulling shit like this for years.
You didn't need to see it coming.
That you felt you somehow should have, sounds like you are used to being cast in the role of peacemaker. The person who tries to make everything ok again.
Drop that rope - you don't need to spend any more time worrying about what the twit on the other end of the rope is doing, because it is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to make your dad behave himself.

Do we confront him? Pretend like we love it all? Ignore it? Send it all back? What a sad bitter man
If you don't want to reward his bid for attention - don't respond.
That will work better if NONE of you respond of course - BUT - again, don't accidentally get yourself embroiled in persuading your other relatives to all ignore him (or whatever you decide is the best response FOR YOU.)
Otherwise, you may just as well have fallen for his stunt, because it's all about YOU expending effort worrying about it, responding to it, talking to others about it ... really, just don't bother, Whatever you do now won't change what he's done.

I suspect your best bet - espcially if you are the family peacekeeper, or the one others look to as chief dad-wrangler, is along the lines of -
"I know right?! Silly old sod. I'm not rising to his bait, we all know he likes to play games to get us wound up, so I'm going to sit this game out by not acknowledging it."

I think you ALL need to get to a place of "meh" about this.
Stop viewing it as so hurt and confused but I'm also pissed off - & instead, translate it as "another one of dad's attention-seeking pranks we can safely ignore."

OP, your father has form for being a nasty piece of work at times.

Protect yourself and don't waste time thinking he will ever change.

Radio silence and make no effort whatsoever for the foreseeable future, it is wasted on him.

He has a personality disorder that gives him pleasure to upset those around him.

Deny him utterly the oxygen of your attention and regard.

Look at some counselling support if it will help you to do the above, but stay away from him.

I don't know how old this man is but it might be a shift in his personality pursuant to to cognitive issues, I noticed something like this in a male relative starting in his mid 70s, a spiteful edge crept in then he appeared to lose capacity to emphathise with other people, other people's pain and difficulty....he sort of chuckles about it and changes the subject, but is otherwise able to carry out quite high level tasks.

"I'm also pissed off I didn't see it coming - he's been pulling shit like this for years."

Sounds to me like he is just a spiteful prick of a man.

However - I might take pleasure in pissing him off. Contact his partner, be all solicitous, you think he might be getting dementia, he's sent some weird shit and if what he chose to send is representative of his state of mind, she needs to consider an appointment with his GP, and has she noticed any odd behaviour herself, is she OK? He'll be so pissed of that you're being all caring instead of upset (he absolutely meant to upset you) it will really enrage him.

Obviously, next Christmas he gets carefully selected crap from you all. And I hope you are all mentally writing him off as not worthy of your time and attention.

Ignore
Bin it
Cut contact

Because a someone sending cheques for 10 shillings would make me immediately think dementia and going back in time. Some dementia patients lose current memory first but could tell you what happened years ago.

Someone seeking out those books is with intent. They weren't just a coincidental find in a book shop.

The question is why?

A, Are they just nasty?

B, Are they depressed feeling family don't love them or suffering other Mental illness?

C, Are they deliberately trying to push family away, because they are ill, in a warpped thought if my family hate me it won't matter if I die.

I’m so sorry OP. I think you’re handling this the right way by speaking to his sister to get her thoughts. He’ll be after a reaction, well done for not giving it to him yesterday.