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Original poster

Just had christmas sprung on me!

327 replies

user39012 · 14/12/2022 12:05

FFS. Just ranting really.

Every single year we host christmas day. I've never once in 25 years had a christmas where we don't host extended family. BIL and his family stay for a few days at PIL's house and are waited on hand and foot by MIL and they all come here for the whole day.

This year I held out and didn't offer. We are in building chaos and we are all a bit frazzled. Instead we were going to PIL for christmas and I offered to cook there to help out. They live about 45 minutes away so we don't need to stay overnight. Unfortunately FiL isn't well and they have said that BIL and his family can't stay overnight. BIL lives about 2.5 hours away from PIL.

So now its proposed that we do the whole of Christmas instead and also host BIL and his family overnight - wife and 3 teenagers and a new enormous dog which isn't house trained and apparently can't go anywhere with a christmas tree or decorations or where cats aren't locked away (we have three).

I am so pissed off. I know its bah humbug and I appreciate that FIL isn't well and it would be too much but BIL's family have never once offered to host. In fact they've never even invited us to their house!

I might go full on grinch about it...

OP posts:
MadameMackenzie · 14/12/2022 13:33

@user39012 What are you going to say when they respond saying that they cannot leave the dog and that there's definitely nobody who can have him/her?

Onewildandpreciouslife · 14/12/2022 13:33

You sound like you’ve accepted this is happening, and just want a rant because you can’t rant in real life. Fair enough.

But DH owes you big time! Good luck.

Theunamedcat · 14/12/2022 13:34

Fucks sake say no, no you can't have there pissing untrained dog in your building site of a home and cook for him send him instructions on how to use a fucking oven

GoldenCupidon · 14/12/2022 13:34

They can all come on the day, farm out the bringing of things (e.g. BIL brings ALL drinks both booze and soft, and dessert), and the large dog will have to stay overnight elsewhere. They can find a friend or neighbour to drop in and feed/walk it on Christmas day/boxing day or pay a neighbourhood teenager to do it. I used to get about £20 for doing this so the going rate must be £30 or £40 now.

SlurpSlooChortle · 14/12/2022 13:34

I wouldn't even entertain the idea if I was having building work done and I'm shocked that anyone would ask.
You have not ruined Christmas if you say No.

Brefugee · 14/12/2022 13:35

you need to say no. BIL and his family can book a hotel if they really have to come.

DH and BIL can individually visit FIL if he is that sick. And if your DH simply must see his DB at that time he can go to them at a 3rd place which isn't your or PILs home, surely?

Just keep saying no.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/12/2022 13:35

BiL and family will just have to host themselves, won’t they? Honestly, I’d just tell them, sorry, but in the circs (building works etc.) it just isn’t going to be possible.
If they go into a sulk, so be it. Ignore.

KCandtheSunlightBand · 14/12/2022 13:35

Boxing day or even 27th at PiL. They can all contribute, food is pretty much done, bubble and squeak, gammon, Yule log etc. much less hassle, everyone (including you) gets to enjoy the day.

DO NOT GIVE IN. How dare they suggest this to you with 10 days to go and house in turmoil due to building work. If your FiL is that poorly he probably won’t enjoy a massive Christmas meal. That was certainly the case with my Dad who limped on until the following October.

fantasmasgoria1 · 14/12/2022 13:35

Tell your DH that he needs to cook then. I would definitely say no to the dog. My DH and I have put our foot down to going to a family member again this year. We said we want a quiet one at home. It has been moaned about but we have stood firm.

RedToothBrush · 14/12/2022 13:36

Bestcatmum · 14/12/2022 13:28

Or your husband can organise the whole thing and cook the meal if he feels that bad about it.

This.

You are still being a martyr under these circumstances.

State your terms and conditions and let everyone else work out how to make it happen around that if its so important. And they will.

PolkaDotMankini · 14/12/2022 13:36

"Oh dear, what a shame we can't host this year. Catch you in the new year."

Then you do Christmas with just your nuclear families. Everyone gets Christmas. All happy.

Theunamedcat · 14/12/2022 13:37

user39012 · 14/12/2022 13:24

It isn’t quite as simple as just saying no. FIL is not going to see another Christmas. DH is already struggling with that concept and understandably wants to see his family. I’m very much not being a martyr. I’ve said no this year and I’ve stuck to my guns so far but I had assumed that BIL would just come to PIL for the day.

it’s less about being a martyr and more about the fact that I love DH and he’s upset and wants us to be accommodating.

so far I’ve said nothing other than “well you’re not telling me that this hasn’t been discussed, it’s only ten days away”. I haven’t yet said yes but I feel I probably should. Although the invitation will not be extended to the ginormous dog.

It really is that simple you cannot host them and their dog they need to get an airbnb a campervan on the driveway something other than you all they are doing is expecting you to once again roll over and accommodate them anyone else faced with a dying parent would make other arrangements EARLIER

Ilkleymoor · 14/12/2022 13:37

They could book a hotel and you can host but the dog screws everything up.

Are they the kind of people to say we've sorted the dog and then to turn up on the day saying sorry, it fell through?

The issue seems to be the dog and the staying over really - if you can trust these to be sorted out, then you could suck up the hosting for father in law last Christmas. But you would need to be really confident they won't just end up bringing the dog

fancyacuppatea · 14/12/2022 13:37

What will you do if they turn up with the fucking ginormous, not-house trained feral dog?

One thing is for sure. They wouldn't get into my house.
Christmas Day or not!

AriettyHomily · 14/12/2022 13:37

Say no, it will be nightmare. Bil hosts or you all have have Christmas at home, meet up on boxing day, go for a walk with the dog. No way I would be dealing with that in the middle of building work

SnowyPheasants · 14/12/2022 13:37

that dog could fuck right off, sorry.

mondaytosunday · 14/12/2022 13:37

Why can't you all go to bil house then? And don't volunteer to do any of the cooking!
And no it's not 'no one will get Christmas' they will. They just have to do it themselves.

ShandaLear · 14/12/2022 13:38

You’re not Santa or Baby Jesus. People can still have Christmas without you. They are grown adults and given they manage to feed themselves the rest of the year are perfectly capable of feeding themselves on Christmas Day. You’ve done your fair share.

Sitdowncupoftea · 14/12/2022 13:38

Say no your not doing it book a short break or go out for dinner and tell them.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2022 13:39

user39012 · 14/12/2022 13:24

It isn’t quite as simple as just saying no. FIL is not going to see another Christmas. DH is already struggling with that concept and understandably wants to see his family. I’m very much not being a martyr. I’ve said no this year and I’ve stuck to my guns so far but I had assumed that BIL would just come to PIL for the day.

it’s less about being a martyr and more about the fact that I love DH and he’s upset and wants us to be accommodating.

so far I’ve said nothing other than “well you’re not telling me that this hasn’t been discussed, it’s only ten days away”. I haven’t yet said yes but I feel I probably should. Although the invitation will not be extended to the ginormous dog.

So has HE told his brother you don't have space and he needs to host for once? Has DH offered to do all the extra work is it that just not his problem because he has a wife?

I get wanting to keep the family together and wanting to make this as least hard on DH but your FIL clearly has two children. DH needs to speak up to the other one

fancyacuppatea · 14/12/2022 13:39

And no it's not 'no one will get Christmas' they will. They just have to do it themselves.

Ah... is this the problem?

THEY WILL HAVE TO DO IT THEMSELVES... and no doubt guard the sodding turkey too.

ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner · 14/12/2022 13:40

Absolutely fucking not. You really have to just say no, what do they expect you to do with your cats? Are they expecting you to take down the Christmas tree to accommodate the un-housetrained dog?

Please just say no.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 14/12/2022 13:40

In that case I’d do the following:

plan A: check hotels/air b&b for anything reasonable- if not insane prices say you’re happy to host the meal but they need alternative accommodation

plan B: say they can stay but no dog

ZenNudist · 14/12/2022 13:41

I think there is a balance between being accommodating and being a doormat. Cooking at ILs seems reasonable. I don't know about having family to stay but I'd host any if my siblings if they needed it. Just can't do Christmas day in your house. Maybe that's the compromise.

AriettyHomily · 14/12/2022 13:42

Reading your update say no to the dog. And it's an absolute no. I've had to do the same with sil who wanted to bring her frankly nutty untrained dog at Christmas. I've an old senior dog who is I'll, it would stress him out too much.

At this point they won't be able to get a sitter so it solves the problem.

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