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Original poster

How do I tell my 11-year-old about Father Christmas

157 replies

PollySays · 30/11/2022 14:34

Genuinely don't know what to do for the best - Our daughter is 11-year-old and in Year 7 at school.

She is a lovely natured kid, full of fun and magic, so since last Christmas rather than just blurt out about the big FC, we've just avoided saying things like "What would you like from Father Christmas" and replaced it by saying things like "If there is anything you would particularly like, let us know and we can get you it, otherwise we'll just buy some surprises"...that kind of thing. She's not mentioned that she doesn't believe, and I suppose I've just assumed (hoped!) that at school they'll have been chatting about it and she now knows the truth. I was happy with this, because it wouldn't be me breaking her heart!

But this week she has asked on at least two occasions, if I think the Elf on the Shelf will visit this year or if he'll think she's too old 😩My husband has said I need to tell her that it's us and her older brother who do the Elf but that we can still do it as part of a family and just take it turns getting him into mischief and that it will need to be said sooner rather than later, before she says something at school and is ridiculed (he works away, so it's not really fair to ask him to be a part of the conversation over the phone), so it's definitely just me.

Question is, what do I say??

OP posts:
Playdoughcaterpillar · 30/11/2022 14:35

Don't tell her. I was gutted when my mum told me. Let her work it out for herself, it won't take long!

Dinnerdate1 · 30/11/2022 14:37

Please don't tell her. Let her have her innocence. There are so many children who still believe and aren't rushing to grow up I'd honestly leave her be. I appreciate she's 11 and other people will have different opinions but I think it's lovely to have that innocence still. The kids round here that are 11 are fucking about smoking elf bars outside the shop. I'd rather have a child who believed in Santa than dealing with them honestly 😂. Also appreciate that, that isn't every 11 year old child going about the shops smoking.

frozendaisy · 30/11/2022 14:38

Can you and her brother tell her? And have brother as back up to say father Christmas is just a human symbol of the magic of Christmas, the magic is still there without him.

That sort of thing.

FourTeaFallOut · 30/11/2022 14:40

God, of course you tell her. She's at senior school for crying out loud.

She might be playing along for the sake of tradition and it might be an easy conversation to say you can carry on with the performance even when we give up the pretense of believing.

Dizzywizz · 30/11/2022 14:41

Omg I never imagined I’d had to tell my children…I asked my mum when I was about 11 and she said if you don’t believe then he won’t fill your stocking lol. I’ve still never been told (I am 40) although I don’t get stockings anymore

staybyyou · 30/11/2022 14:44

I'd probably let her have one more year, it's only 4 more weeks. Let her enjoy the magic! But then definitely tell her if she still believes by next year!!

Original poster
PollySays · 30/11/2022 14:44

FourTeaFallOut · 30/11/2022 14:40

God, of course you tell her. She's at senior school for crying out loud.

She might be playing along for the sake of tradition and it might be an easy conversation to say you can carry on with the performance even when we give up the pretense of believing.

This is my husband's reaction too!

She is definitely not playing along; she genuinely believes this bloody elf is going to rock up tomorrow swinging in her knickers on the top of the Christmas tree 😭

OP posts:
TheNoodlesIncident · 30/11/2022 14:46

Please do tell her if she's in Year 7, some kids don't really give it the same thought that others do and if she hasn't considered how plausible it all is, there's the risk that she'll say something at school that reveals she doesn't know the truth. You don't want it following her through secondary that she's "the one who still believes in Santa!"

I would address it as though I'm assuming she does know it's not true, as in "when you were younger and used to believe in Santa, it was so sweet and blah blah". Then she can save face or openly challenge the statement. Something like "You remember last year when your DB put the elf in the airing cupboard and it dropped down when you went for a towel, that was classic etc etc"

It's hard if you don't want to spoil it for her but the risk of her saying something in school, I'm going cold at the thought...

FinallyHere · 30/11/2022 14:47

if I think the Elf on the Shelf will visit this year or if he'll think she's too old

For me, this would be the perfect place to start. I'd ask her if she would like the elf to visit and then say , well, what shall we do with him for the first day.

Bring her in to making the magic.

Original poster
PollySays · 30/11/2022 14:49

FinallyHere · 30/11/2022 14:47

if I think the Elf on the Shelf will visit this year or if he'll think she's too old

For me, this would be the perfect place to start. I'd ask her if she would like the elf to visit and then say , well, what shall we do with him for the first day.

Bring her in to making the magic.

I love this! But oh, my heart is aching at the very thought of doing it.

OP posts:
Murasakispillowbook · 30/11/2022 14:50

Oh please tell her! I remember a girl in high school finding out at school and, oh the shame... I think kids are kinder nowadays but I can remember some boys howling with laughter.

Tell her. Now!

wateraddict · 30/11/2022 14:53

She could graduate and join us all as the real Father Christmases. Tell her (spare her the sorrow of someone realising at school) and her first task as a real FC is to buy a gift, write a note on which says from FC and leave it for them and keep the secret. It could be chocolate for a neighbour or a friend, something simple. The magic is still alive but in a different way then. Good luck!

FourTeaFallOut · 30/11/2022 14:53

PollySays · 30/11/2022 14:49

I love this! But oh, my heart is aching at the very thought of doing it.

Show quote history

Could she take charge of the elf to "prank" her brother with it? Would the comedy of that take the sting out of it?

Mischance · 30/11/2022 14:57

My husband has said I need to tell her that it's us - oh has he indeed? How about him telling her or doing it together as a joint decision?

By the way - your DD already knows the truth - believe me.

fUNNYfACE36 · 30/11/2022 14:58

She is humouring you.It would be a real stretch to think she really believes in FC, but the elf thing has rumbled her.No 4 year old let alone and NT11 year old thinks a toy elf is real! She's pulling your plonker!

dizzydizzydizzy · 30/11/2022 15:00

fUNNYfACE36 · 30/11/2022 14:58

She is humouring you.It would be a real stretch to think she really believes in FC, but the elf thing has rumbled her.No 4 year old let alone and NT11 year old thinks a toy elf is real! She's pulling your plonker!

This!

Original poster
PollySays · 30/11/2022 15:00

@Mischance I mentioned in my original post that he's working away.

"Elf" is due tomorrow and if she was to get emotional while he was on the phone telling her the news, he's not there to help comfort her which would be incredibly unfair on them both. I can assure you there is no need to assume there is a dictator in the relationship!

And she doesn't know - believe me!

OP posts:
purser25 · 30/11/2022 15:01

Please tell her she will be made fun of at school. I suspect that she will have worked it out unless there are any special needs.

nancydroo · 30/11/2022 15:03

You should tell her. We never did that elf thing or Easter bunny so speaking about the latter helped DS understand that it's just for fun. There was one brainy kid at school who said SC didn't exist and he wanted our opinion so he could confidentially tell her she was wrong. That was a good moment to say. Year 7 is a bit old to believe in Santa imo I'd save her the embarrassment of being the last to know the truth

Aposterhasnoname · 30/11/2022 15:06

Dizzywizz · 30/11/2022 14:41

Omg I never imagined I’d had to tell my children…I asked my mum when I was about 11 and she said if you don’t believe then he won’t fill your stocking lol. I’ve still never been told (I am 40) although I don’t get stockings anymore

This. I’m 55 and my parents will swear on anything you like that santa is real. As do I to my 38 yo DD.

EarringsandLipstick · 30/11/2022 15:13

This. I’m 55 and my parents will swear on anything you like that santa is real. As do I to my 38 yo DD.

Me too!

I never officially had the conversation with my DPs (and I'm the eldest of 4 with a 10 year gap between me & the youngest so Santa went on a long while).

Now I've 3 DC, the youngest is 11 & I have never had the conversation with them.

Christmas is magical & it's fine to preserve that. On some level she knows - but she mightn't want to believe it quite yet.

Do the Elf! Why not? Keep it going this year.

I don't think my youngest will write to Santa but otherwise we speak opaquely about Christmas lists & where they might come from. It's all fine.

EarringsandLipstick · 30/11/2022 15:15

A friend told me years ago that when she was still young enough she asked her mum if Santa was real.

Her mum asked what she thought - and my friend replied that she didn't think he was real.

Her mum then said, with relief, oh that's great you know now, makes it easier.

Friend was devastated. She didn't really know & hoped for reassurance. I got emotional hearing about that.

Your DD will figure out what she needs to in good time.

Flooper · 30/11/2022 15:15

Yah if she genuinely still believes in Santa then you have to tell her the truth. I'm sure she'd rather experience that small disappointment from you than be laughed at in school by more worldly kids.

Tell her the story (or make a nice one up!) about how you yourself found out. And then find a charity collecting gifts for children who might not otherwise get any presents, and tell her that this year she gets to be Santa for someone else.

Thereisnolight · 30/11/2022 15:15

Don’t tell her straight out but make a few little jokes or slip-ups here and there, eg: “well I was busy yesterday so the elf didn’t move. He might move if I’m not too tired tonight, etc”. Then if she asks, put on an overly ham-innocent face and say, “are you really saying you don’t belieevvvee?” or “best not to ask too many questions” etc etc while tapping your nose. Make a joke out of it. If she turns serious, ask her what she thinks herself. (And then keep doing the elf and Santa until they leave home and get married!)

Flooper · 30/11/2022 15:18

Flooper · 30/11/2022 15:15

Yah if she genuinely still believes in Santa then you have to tell her the truth. I'm sure she'd rather experience that small disappointment from you than be laughed at in school by more worldly kids.

Tell her the story (or make a nice one up!) about how you yourself found out. And then find a charity collecting gifts for children who might not otherwise get any presents, and tell her that this year she gets to be Santa for someone else.

I didn't mean to 'yah'!

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