How do I tell my 11-year-old about Father Christmas

[PollySays]

Genuinely don't know what to do for the best - Our daughter is 11-year-old and in Year 7 at school.

She is a lovely natured kid, full of fun and magic, so since last Christmas rather than just blurt out about the big FC, we've just avoided saying things like "What would you like from Father Christmas" and replaced it by saying things like "If there is anything you would particularly like, let us know and we can get you it, otherwise we'll just buy some surprises"...that kind of thing. She's not mentioned that she doesn't believe, and I suppose I've just assumed (hoped!) that at school they'll have been chatting about it and she now knows the truth. I was happy with this, because it wouldn't be me breaking her heart!

But this week she has asked on at least two occasions, if I think the Elf on the Shelf will visit this year or if he'll think she's too old 😩My husband has said I need to tell her that it's us and her older brother who do the Elf but that we can still do it as part of a family and just take it turns getting him into mischief and that it will need to be said sooner rather than later, before she says something at school and is ridiculed (he works away, so it's not really fair to ask him to be a part of the conversation over the phone), so it's definitely just me.

Question is, what do I say??

My DC (12 and 14) know full well that Santa isn't real.
But I will still leave a nibbled carrot, mince pie and an empty glass by the fireplace on Christmas Day.
Don't want to spoil the 'magic'.

OP another thing I've seen mentioned when threads like these come up is to look into the history of the real life figure of St Nicholas, you can use his personage to soften the blow due to the fact that he really was real, plus combine it with all the messages about Christmas spirit, giving, etc.

dS is 12 and I want to say thanks for the reminder to get out the b***y elf

sorry not helpful

@TicketToParadise loads of adults can't critically think. Let alone 11 year olds. Do you get off on being cruel? Seems that way.

Ugh, I hate this snide shit dressed up as concern.

Slagging off an 11 year old. Ooooh, so edgy.

Not dressed up as concern, I’d genuinely be concerned about any child of that age not being able to understand fantasy vs reality, and just accept a toy elf is real etc.

Niece believed in FC when she went to secondary school, still got all 7's, 8's and 9's at GCSE.

Please tell her. Once she's at High school staff and students will expect everyone to know.

Earlier on in my career I put my foot in it several times. It is the perfect time, do it on the 1sr December and say that now she's 11 and grown up she gets to be a Santa too. She has to pick presents to give to her loved ones (give her money in an envelope) and now she gets to do the elf too. It'll soften the blow on something she already suspects.

Do what your gut tells you, which I sense is not to tell her. I wouldn't listen to some of the less nice posters on this thread. Your daughter sounds lovely!

But presumably she didn't have any friends. Because she was so enormously different from her peer group. How could she have like minded friends when she still believed in Santa in year seven? How could she have been anything other than a figure of fun?

@TicketToParadise why are you being so needlessly cruel? I honestly don't understand people like you...

OP, let her believe

Can you kindly just fuck off?

You’re behaving in an utterly vile manner. This is a child we are talking about. Who honestly cares if she still believes in Santa or not? It sounds like OP has an idea of what to do that is right for her, the case is closed, you do not need to remain here.

For someone who harps on so much about critical thinking, it doesn’t appear that you are able to do much of that yourself, either. You can’t think of one reason why a child would want to keep believing in Santa and as a result, might still do so? Grief.

All children develop differently and no path is better than any other. I highly doubt you had figured out the cure for cancer at age 8 with all your magical “critical thinking” abilities. You aren’t special or clever.

You must lead a very lonely existence to spend your evening on the run up to Christmas sending vitriol directed towards a child you’ve never met.

It wouldn’t be for me, anyway.

Oh, and as an aside, do you have learning difficulties? You seem completely oblivious to social etiquette and how inappropriate this entire dialogue has been. I definitely get more of a sense of that from you than what OP has said about her daughter.

"Presumably she didn't have any friends"??

Goodness gracious 😦

Oh, do shut up.

OP, my 6 year old has figured it out and I'm a bit sad, but I think gently get your DD involved in Xmas prep this year to start softening the edges.

Oh, you’re right about that. Everyone here definitely knows who was the strange child at school.

You.

I guarantee you were the miserable bastard in the corner lording over other students about how intelligent you were, putting others down to make yourself feel superior.

You have school bully written all over you, love.

@BirdyWoof well said.

I think she does know, deep down. I really do. Hard at that age to believe something that is so logistically impossible. But not hard, when you still have the powerful child’s imagination, to suspend disbelief and be able to enter into it so wholeheartedly that everyone, even on some level you yourself, thinks you believe. Thing is even if she does know, if she is putting so much into ‘believing’ then she may not be quite ready to hear the truth. It’s not that she would lose the belief as such since she probably does know, but it would seem like the bubble of childhood magic and family tradition was being a bit abruptly burst. So unless you think she will be in for it at school in the run up for Christmas I would let her enjoy this year, but maybe make less effort to be fully convincing and encourage her to gradually move into a different perspective.

Oh let her have the elf. I really think that December is not the time to be telling her.

My friend's DS is 12. Last year he told his mum that he "wasn't ready to have that conversation". This year he definitely doesn't believe. He was just worried that stuff like the elf and stocking etc would stop. They might be in secondary school but they're not always ready to grow up. Leave her be She'll work it out eventually.

Or if you really want her to know, get her brother to gently break it to her. Isn't that what older siblings are for?

Oh gosh. I am I this exact same predicament right now. My son still firmly believes in Father Christmas and is expecting the elf to show up tomorrow. He's mentioned he really needs to start behaving because he'll (Percy the elf) be here soon.

I was hoping last year would be the final year, but he is now in secondary school and I'm so worried that he friends will find out he still believes and make fun of him. I've actually retracted a sleepover offer with a friend in a few weeks because I'm embarrassed for my son and don't want the friend to see the bloody elf.

My husband is in the firm no camp with regards to telling him and calls me the Grinch and tells me I'm terrible if I bring it up

You'd be better employed looking into how badly your own parents messed up to raise such a spiteful individual.

My son is 12 in 2 weeks and just said "the elf will be back tomorrow" he also mentioned a letter to father Christmas a couple of weeks ago.
There is NO way he still believes as that would be ridiculous but he is obviously just going along with the Christmas magic. It's not a conversation we have ever had and I didn't have that conversation with my mum either, if he asked me we would speak about it but I'm assuming he understands what father Christmas symbolises rather than him being a real person.
The elf is a fun thing that he enjoys but I don't believe for a second that he thinks it's moving by itself. His ability to reason and critical thinking means it would be impossible that he still believed.

Although some of the replies on here are giving me a niggling doubt, I hope he doesn't actually believe 😆😱

Please, Please, Please tell her. She is in secondary school. If the other kids get a whiff of this they will have a field day. The disappointment of finding out an elf is not real at 11 is nothing compared to kids in school taking the absolute piss out of her.

With the exception of Scrooge, sorry I mean @TicketToParadise this has been really helpful.

Our son pretty much worked it out himself, and it was softened as we gave him the responsibility to think of the weird and wonderful things the elf would get up to. He is also the one who insists that we leave a mince pie and a carrot out 😊

Christmas is such a magical time, but this is a difficult transition to think that you are the one putting the pin in the bubble. I'll make sure I add any updates from this evening to those that have been following and advising.