How do I tell my 11-year-old about Father Christmas

[PollySays]

Genuinely don't know what to do for the best - Our daughter is 11-year-old and in Year 7 at school.

She is a lovely natured kid, full of fun and magic, so since last Christmas rather than just blurt out about the big FC, we've just avoided saying things like "What would you like from Father Christmas" and replaced it by saying things like "If there is anything you would particularly like, let us know and we can get you it, otherwise we'll just buy some surprises"...that kind of thing. She's not mentioned that she doesn't believe, and I suppose I've just assumed (hoped!) that at school they'll have been chatting about it and she now knows the truth. I was happy with this, because it wouldn't be me breaking her heart!

But this week she has asked on at least two occasions, if I think the Elf on the Shelf will visit this year or if he'll think she's too old 😩My husband has said I need to tell her that it's us and her older brother who do the Elf but that we can still do it as part of a family and just take it turns getting him into mischief and that it will need to be said sooner rather than later, before she says something at school and is ridiculed (he works away, so it's not really fair to ask him to be a part of the conversation over the phone), so it's definitely just me.

Question is, what do I say??

would you tilt your head in 'concern'?

It seems to me for every one of us with a child that is 11 and either still believes or seems to still believe there are the same number of incredulous people who think these 11 year olds must be ill-educated and social outcasts. To me this says that you should trust your gut about your own child @PollySays and tell her or not, based on what you think is best. You have obviously raised a good innocent child until now, so you’re doing something right.

I had to tell my 12 year old DS this year. He sobbed. But eventually agreed that it was better I told him and was glad he hadn't found out at school. It took a good few days for him to get over it but he's excited about Christmas again now. If you do it, be gentle, for my son he said he felt like his childhood was over.

No, I wouldn't. I'd be looking at the big picture, whether this naïvety extends beyond this particular fairytale, whether in general she's capable of interrogating a narrative, whether she's particularly susceptible to manipulation, whether she's vulnerable.

The only person I knew who still believed in Father Christmas at secondary school was incredibly naïve and ended up being bullied and abused in numerous subtle ways throughout the years because she took everything at face value and believed everything she was told. It's continued into her adulthood, she's a very vulnerable person.

I'm not saying that OP's daughter is doomed to the same fate because she believes in elves, but I am saying that if OP thinks she genuinely still believes in Father Christmas at her age, it's worth taking a closer look at her behaviours overall and getting a feel for her general levels of critical thinking and vulnerability.

Oh don't be 🙄🙄🙄. My son had a first rate education and scored well enough to go to grammar school in his 'critical thinking' and he still believed till he was 12.

That's really sad. I completely understand you needing to tell him, but it's upsetting that he saw it in such terms.

Hopefully you will find another way to incorporate the magic still.

@MolliciousIntent

Honestly, just stop.

I'm not saying that in some situations what you suggest might not be true but OP is well placed to decide that, and it sounds like her DC is just fine.

Your words are really hurtful, implying there's all sorts of issues just because OP's DD might be more innocent or less worldly-wise than other kids.

But this week she has asked on at least two occasions, if I think the Elf on the Shelf will visit this year or if he'll think she's too old

I think what she's really asking is whether you will think she's too old and stop doing it. She 100% knows its not true! Just say "Oh, I expect he'll still be visiting for another year or so!" Why not, if she enjoys it?

Some of these posts are nuts. It's not a sign of SEN. Let your child be a child for as long as possible. My DS is 9 and is looking forward to the Elf coming tomorrow. If you are going to tell your DD, I agree with the pp who said now is not the time. Why ruin it 3 weeks before Christmas?

I'm not implying anything. I'm pointing out that it could do with a second glance to make sure it isn't part of a bigger picture.

I entirely agree @MolliciousIntent . You put it much better than I did.

I was never really told, I dont know how I figured it out but I remember desperately wanting to be wrong.
In primary school one of the girls started talking about Santa. She still believed completely that he was real. She went red faced and cried as she was told but tbh I think we all understood how she felt so nobody was cruel or bullied her for it.

Do children believe the elf is real? Comes to life at night and is a toy in the day? Or it it that they just find a mess that elf has made or something and adults say it is the elf? I am not sure how it works. FWIW me and my sisters are in our 50s and we've never said to each other or our parents that FC is not real. We just worked it out and played along.

Agree she might be hinting she doesn't believe , did you ask her if she wants him to visit. No need for the fun to stop, you can just amuse yourselves .

I'm struck by this phrase " innocent child" or a "good innocent child"

By age 11 we need to be letting go of our own idealism regarding the magic of childhood and focussing on equipping our rapidly developing children with a more realistic approximation of what it takes to live in the actual world.

Magic and pixies and Father Christmas won't really cut it, and I repeat at age 11 belief in this still is somewhat terrifying.

Whether or not they passed the eleven plus is irrelevant I'm afraid.

Magic and pixies and Father Christmas won't really cut it, and I repeat at age 11 belief in this still is somewhat terrifying.

Terrifying.

Spare me such hysterical nonsense.

Perfectly understandable that an 11yo still believes, can't believe all the horrible comments. When my child was going into secondary school I had to clarify that he knew the truth, I'm not actually sure if he did but he took it very well regardless.
Please do tell her, it doesn't need to be the end of the magic but I think that something happening in school would be far far worse. You will be walking on eggshells until Christmas is over if you put it off so she can have one last Christmas believing.

He does know he won't get everything on his list but when all the times are pretty high ticket just one is very challenging.

The only things i've been able to afford are the smaller items he asked for which is a pogo stick and a switch game.

Yes I know that's more than some will get before anyone lectures me.

I know my child best and he will be bitterly disappointed and and believe he did something wrong. I don't see what other choice I have other than to be honest.

🤣🤣

I'm horrified at the number of PP's banging on about how believing in FC at 11 is a sign of some kind of severe developmental disorder requiring immediate intervention. Critical thinking my arse. The last time I looked an 11 year old was still very much a child, so perhaps we could leave the hyperbole behind and just let them be children

Is no more naive to believe in Father Christmas at 11 than it is for adults to believe in religion. 85% of the world's population have a faith. Do you worry about their Critical Thinking too? How arrogant and condescending.

I never had to be told, or at least never remember being told. I also never remember really believing but I definitely remember many years of being very into the whole thing and finding it exciting to listen out for sleigh bells. You can do that as a child even if you don’t really believe because imaginative play is so real then. On the other hand my sibling definitely did believe and have to be explicitly told, and was very cross! Every child is different in how they interpret it. I know some one who asked his mum if she had ever lied to him, and thinking of this she said, ‘only about one thing’. To which he said, ‘is it that Jesus isn’t real?’. That always makes me laugh, Father Christmas was beyond suspicion.

I know my child best and he will be bitterly disappointed and and believe he did something wrong. I don't see what other choice I have other than to be honest.

I really don't mean to be harsh, but that's on you.

I have 3 DC, they will get about what you have described being able to afford (game + something else). Last year, my 2 DSs shared an xBox as their main present. As that was a 'big' present, they are aware that this year will be smaller.

They are just about past believing age, but they've always known the limits.

It's not too late with your DS. You explain what's possible & be firm & clear. You talk to him so that he doesn't link 'being good' with expensive presents. You think of lots of nice things he'll enjoy over Christmas that are low or no cost. He's only 9. It's really wrong to ruin his belief because you can't manage his expectations.

I wonder whether some of the negative posters just aren't able to hold conflicting ideas in their minds?

It's a very useful way to be able to think: not needing to know for sure whilst you explore ideas, holding different options in your mind with a certain feeling of probability, only deciding which way to go when you need to act/make a choice - but even then being open to the idea that you might be wrong, and willing to change your mind when the facts change.

Most intelligent people are able to do it to varying degrees. Children are often naturally good it: perhaps because they're still learning and improving their understanding of the world all the time - so if they are prone to rigid thinking, then they get many experiences of being proved wrong!

Do I really believe those posters completely lack a fairly normal cognitive ability? Or am I just being a passive aggressive bitch? Hmm.. I think I can quite easily hold both those ideas in my mind at the same time...

equipping our rapidly developing children with a more realistic approximation of what it takes to live in the actual world.

Give me strength.

They are 11. Not quite ready for the adult world & all it entails. They can live just fine holding onto some magic, even in part.

There's lots of time to fully grow up & families & children each manage that at their own pace.

That's very well put!