How do I tell my 11-year-old about Father Christmas

[PollySays]

Genuinely don't know what to do for the best - Our daughter is 11-year-old and in Year 7 at school.

She is a lovely natured kid, full of fun and magic, so since last Christmas rather than just blurt out about the big FC, we've just avoided saying things like "What would you like from Father Christmas" and replaced it by saying things like "If there is anything you would particularly like, let us know and we can get you it, otherwise we'll just buy some surprises"...that kind of thing. She's not mentioned that she doesn't believe, and I suppose I've just assumed (hoped!) that at school they'll have been chatting about it and she now knows the truth. I was happy with this, because it wouldn't be me breaking her heart!

But this week she has asked on at least two occasions, if I think the Elf on the Shelf will visit this year or if he'll think she's too old 😩My husband has said I need to tell her that it's us and her older brother who do the Elf but that we can still do it as part of a family and just take it turns getting him into mischief and that it will need to be said sooner rather than later, before she says something at school and is ridiculed (he works away, so it's not really fair to ask him to be a part of the conversation over the phone), so it's definitely just me.

Question is, what do I say??

This evening I would ask if she fancied setting up the Elf for her brother as a surprise for tomorrow. She may have some questions but nothing wrong with her taking over Elf duties and it reinforces the fact that Christmas is about spreading cheer to others.

I sound a bit like your daughter when I was her age. I think my Mum was a bit devastated at the idea of telling me, and although I had some suspicions (which maybe it sounds like your daughter does with the age comment about the elf). My Dad took me aside a few days before Christmas and asked if I wanted to help him out Mum’s presents in her stocking for her, which was a really nice, subtle but very clear way of finding out. I look back on that as a very well handled moment, and I didn’t find it emotionally traumatising at all.

We still all played along with the Christmas magic in a way, and now as an adult with no children yet I always think that in a way Father Christmas is sort of real, because of how magical it is that so many children believe in him and how so many adults create him every year. I think it’s possible to “know” he’s not real but still “believe” in a way.

(Sorry that went off on a tangent!)

My friend's son had never once questioned the existence of Santa or made any comments that he didn't believe. Once he got to secondary school though they figured he'd get bullied if the other kids found out he still believed so his dad got tasked with having a "man to man" chat one evening on the way home. It turned out he'd known for some time but liked the magic of it and didn't want to ruin it for his younger sibling.
Maybe the elf could tell her tomorrow??

Tell her. Imagine she finds out from someone at school and the embarrassment.

You need the special letter ! Its all about becoming part of the magic as she grows, and how she can become part of Christmas without believing that Santa is actually a living, breathing person, more as a manifestation of the spirit of Christmas...I'm waffling, I'll try and find a link!

A bit of a leap to assume SN just because a child is still innocent at 11? If OP's daughter went to a small / rural primary it's not unusual that she still believes!
@OP I told my daughter the day before she started Y7. I just said that now that she was going to big school I had to tell the truth about a few things... She wasn't heartbroken, but I could tell from her reaction that until then she certainly hadn't been sure. I must say I'm finding the whole Christmas prep much easier now that my DD is in the know (although it's a shame to lose the magic).

Here

And well done if you can get though that without blubbing!

Could you say he only gets the stuff up to the age of ten then the parents take over? Or something like that.

I’d be concerned why an 11 year old still believes in a toy elf being real and Santa.

If she does genuinely still believe (I doubt) she needs to be told asap, how embarrassing to get to secondary school still believing in something so obviously not real!

Thankfully avoided all this trauma by telling DD as soon as she could understand that Father Christmas didn't exist.

She's grateful we didn't lie to her and doesn't feel she missed out on any 'magic'!

I’m sure your child isn’t daft and is probably just pretending to believe to humour you! Have a 12 year old and I will never ever say it out loud to her that Santa isn’t real, even though she has clearly known for a couple of years

How is this helpful to the OP?

My DS1 (14) and DS2 (11) both still believe! 😁

It’s not a sign of innocence, but it does however indicate a lack of critical thinking skills and common sense.

As a child who was determined to root out the truth behind all the fantastical bollocks adults tried to get me to believe in, such as the tooth fairy and God, I figured out by the age of 6 that FC was really my Mum. It didn’t damage me in any way.

Sadly not at all, and she has my sympathy.

It might though help parents with babies and very young children who fear that their offspring will be psychologically scarred by the truth.

Everyone in my house has to play along or there will be no presents or stockings.... and they are 25, 21 and 18.
End of.

So which one is it - SN or lack of critical thinking skills according to your psychological / developmental 'expertise'? I think you're just trying to be hurtful to be honest.

These threads are always full of people either telling you that there's no way your child believes or describing how they or their DC were critical thinkers and had it worked out by 5. Those posts are actually full of assumption and judgement.

Well, as a teacher, I promise you that some 11yr olds believe. And ime, children aren't cruel about it in case you believe that's a certainty as well.

As for how you deal with it, well I don't know. That awful letter that circulates on FB may work but I've seen it not work more often than not.

Personally, I think 3.5wks before Christmas isn't the time. Do it in the New Year and give them time to react as they need to and then it's not tied to the approach to Christmas which will remain wonderful yet different.

To clarify, she does not have special needs - she just has a brilliant relationship with us, so why wouldn't she believe what we say as being the truth when we've been telling her the same story all her life?

We don't live in a big city or town, and she doesn't really socialise with many kids outside of school. Her cousins are all younger than her, so it's not that she lacks critical thinking or common sense (very harsh imo), she's just a kid who will one day be long time an adult, so we've allowed her to remain as innocent as she and her peers seem to be.

That's really sweet and it's exactly how I feel.

Yesterday I put my tree up and the day before that I wrapped most of the DCs presents. I remember feeling really really happy and excited and was thinking about a thread someone made on Mumsnet last year which was along the lines of "Do you believe in Father Christmas" and her sentiment was that a small part of her did believe.

A few posters ridiculed her but I totally get it. I feel exactly the same and was thinking about it; the way I would express it is that while I know on a logical level that he isn't there, I still get caught up in the magic and despite literally being the one to do all the work, there is still a sense of excitement and anticipation in the air at what we have crafted ourselves.

Strangely, the fact that I am now the believed instead of the believer has not taken any of the magic away. It's more like it's been passed on.

Most children of that age are able to use critical thinking to assess the information they’re receiving and deciding whether it makes sense.

It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t socialise with other children much, it’s something most by 11 should have developed the ability to think critically.

Does she still believe in the tooth fairy, Easter bunny, peppa pig?

What do you mean which one is it?

I haven’t mentioned SN. It’s a bit worrying that a child of that age believes a toy elf comes to life and a mystical fat man visits every home across the world in one night.

Id be concerned if mine had such little ability to understand the difference between reality and fantasy at 11.

She's at secondary school, please don't give other kids an excuse to bully her for the next five years