What to say to child when you can’t afford the ‘main’ gift?

[UnTrussworthy]

My 4yo DD has asked for a particular present this year. One toy, that’s she’s been asking for for months and months since she seen it.

We can’t afford it, at all. It’s too expensive with the cost of living crisis so we just can’t do it.

DD believes that Father Christmas makes all the toys before they’re given to the shops to sell and that’s why he can afford to give presents to all the boys and girls who have been good.

I did try and brush it off when she mentioned it after realising there’s no chance we can get it. I said Father Christmas might not be able to bring her a present like that this year and if there was anything else she could ask for. She said she asked if she had been a good girl and I said she has but sometimes Father Christmas gets to pick what he brings, which she just got upset and thought she had been bad because now he doesn’t want to bring her said toy.

What can I say that A- keeps the magic and B- doesn’t make her think she’s not been good enough to deserve it. I am so filled with guilt worrying about her little face on Christmas when she thinks she’s coming down to the toys she’s asked for and she isn’t.

I wonder if you could find one locally? I mean she will have to learn eventually that “Santa” can’t do everything but I know how awful it is to see heart break on a little kids face. I joined a local moms group on facebook and we’re always trading clothing, diapers, toys, equipment and items related to children and parenting. Maybe ask around. There might be a similar one in your area. Sometimes we even give stuff away for free.

I’ve always told mine from very young FC tries to give children what they ask for but it’s not always possible, like he can’t give pets, unicorns etc.. He also talks to Mummy’s and Daddy’s, yes he has his naughty nice list but he still talks to us to make sure everything is ok and what they have asked for is ok to bring. FC has not brought them ride on bikes/mopeds/cars, big dolls houses, every fucking big dolls house they saw, because we told him we didn’t have room, we’ve also said no to mobile phones and other toys because they are too young or have too many or they are too big. Another thing we say is that a lot of children ask for the same things and so sometimes he can’t give everyone one. We have a backup in our lists just in case he can’t get the main item. One year my DD was desperate for the Our Generation Ice Cream truck but we were struggling badly that year. I managed to find an OG bundle with the caravan on eBay so I convinced her to put the caravan as her backup, she was so happy Christmas morning.

Id lay the ground work on expectations now, but in the meantime get searching on marketplace, eBay etc…

This is the story here too.

elves only make wooden toys, everything else Santa buys, and he has to make sure he has enough for everyone so can’t spent hundreds on one child even if they are at the top of tbc nice list

I hope you manage to find something -I will definitely be recommending to the DC that they think carefully about the whole FC thing when the time comes for them with their children. Those traditions are almost impossible to change later.

Re the kitchen, if money wasn't the issue would you buy it? I just wondered if you had jumped from DD has asked for this to we can't afford it rather than DD has asked for this, we know she really wants it but actually she has something similar so is it the right thing to buy or should we be trying to steer away from asking for things similar to those she already has? Just a thought - sometimes when we can't do something for one reason we don't consider the reasons why we shouldn't do it beside that.

One Christmas my wee girls main present didn't arrive on time, it was the ONLY thing she asked for & she kept going on about it. Santa wrote her a letter to explain that the workshop was having problems and he had brought her 'Y' instead as he knew she would love that too! She loved it and told everybody about her letter for weeks. Kids are resilient- she will soon get over her disappointment once Christmas magic kicks in. Also - try charity shops!

I used to tell my kids that I had to pay Santa's bill. So he wrapped and delivered but I had to pay for the gifts.

The stockings were completely from him so DC used to love showing me what he'd brought them. My acting surprised skills were oscar worthy 😂

I remember one year trying to madly track down a pink frog, as this is what one of my 3 or 4 year old DC had asked for. Of course, it was about the 23rd of December and there was no chance to 'make the magic happen' with it appearing in the stocking.

It caused no problems whatsoever, and that DC ended up being a believer for at least another 6 or 7 years.

Don't tie yourself in knots OP. It's still only October.

As PPs have said, they'll believe what you tell them. If you can't get a 2nd hand one, get the utensils and say that Father Christmas said there's a shortage this year, or something. 4 years old is sooooo little. They have very little concept about the world outside of what you tell them.

I totally agree with Leafhunter.Time to change the narratives.
Santa brings stocking gift.
Main gifts by you the parent.That way at least she gets to say thanks to you for all the effort whatever you end up getting for her.
I did same for my kids.I got tired of doing the thankless job and having santa take all the praises for it.

If you'd ever tried to shove a pony down a chimney, you'd understand why.

@UnTrussworthy theres one on special offer on eBay for £40 if that’s in your price range?

could try second hand if not.

Defo look at market place those kinds of things are always going second hand for cheap and normally in good condition, I always buy bigger stuff like that second hand, she’s not going to care 😁

She's only 4, she will believe whatever narrative you tell her about Santa.
Regardless of whether you find a kitchen or not, id change the narrative to be honest - she will soon be old enough to remember and what they want only seems to get more expensive and therefore needs more explanation about why it might not be under the tree.

OMG me too re Mr Frosty! I'm pretty sure my parents could afford it too and I've never thought to ask why I didn't get it as an adult! I wonder if they just thought it was a waste of money or if it was sold out everywhere perhaps...I'm sure I wanted it a few years running too!

I'd be honest and say I can't afford it. We say we pay for the elves to make the presents and Santa delivers. We also don't say it's only to "good" children since if that gets repeated to a child who didn't receive a present that could be very hurtful for that child.

I've explained things to my child since she was little. If I can't afford something I tell her that. It's about the connection you have with your child. You should be able to get on her level and explain things calmly so she understands.

But if you truly want the gift you could look for something similar in charity shops, you could crowdfund, or you could ask all those who buy for her to contribute some money for it.

There isn't much else to say except she should be able to appreciate the realities of life in this regard, and also there could be a way to get her the thing she wants or make up for her not getting in some way. Children are on the whole easily pleased.

What I've noticed with my daughter is there is not one thing she wants in this world over my time and attention. If she wanted a £100 present I couldn't afford and I stead offered a whole day in the park she would forget about the present instantly. Your child is likely the same. Talk to her.

It's sad children think this about santa. So many children must end up feeling shit when friends get huge gifts from him and they dont. Tell her santa doesn't make all the toys In the shops, he brings a stocking and the mums and dads get the big gifts.

She could always blame covid and the chain of supply issues. 😂😂😂

I told my kids that parents gave money to santa to 'make and deliver' the presents (smaller stocking gifts) (they bought into the idea of Santa - I neither reinforced nor denied his existence) because unless you're going for the 'there's no such thing' from the off, how would you explain why some kids get loads and some kids get fuck all?
Santa did the stockings and we bought the main gifts, because they mostly picked them out of catalogues/shops anyway!
After a few years when they were having their suspicions I moved to the idea of 'the spirit of santa' as more of an idea, and parents paid for gifts.

Can you explain to your child that parents still need to have the money to buy the stuff?

Post a photo of it on local Facebook selling pages with a wanted label on it. I see these all the time and people reply.

DS knows that I send money to Santa to pay for presents & also that he does his best but sometimes even Santa can't bring everything children ask for (ds asked for a ps5 last year)

My DM sent presents to Santa for him to deliver. I also knew there were limits on what Santa could bring & that some children have more than others for this reason

Hope you can get the one on marketplace tho op!

My kids are 6, 5 and 1, you can make any old crap up you like, our kids know you don't get everything you ask for, fc doesn't always have everything in stock and there's only so many elves... they seem to have the right level of expectation. Last year my then 5 year old daughter wanted something we thought just wasn't worth the money or it was big, I cant even remember what it was, our daughter did mention it Xmas day but we told her the above so she was happy. You don't have to spend a lot on small children, we got a cardboard house from range one year I think it was a tenner maybe less and it was the most played with thing (they had nice presents that were ££!!). There's plenty of cheap options for a 4 year old theyd be thrilled with.

Father Christmas brings the stockings which have little gifts, the parents buy the bigger and boxed gifts. Makes it a lot easier to explain

FC just does stockings in this house too. The DC write lists knowing they won't get everything they want, and if they only put one thing on the list they would still be told they might not get it. Sometimes it's not about money but that we don't think it's a good present! I think kids just get used to this, if it's the same every year, and they still get presents they like.

Can you get away from the idea that Santa always brings what is asked for? And that the gifts are a surprise?

I don't ever remember 'promising' DCs that a present would come. There was a list sent to Santa and some things arrived, but others didn't.

Certainly with a 4 year old, I don't think it's a huge issue to make up some kind of explanation about why asked-for gifts don't always come.

I think your own guilt is making it a bigger issue than it is.

Sounds very sensible

Don't get yourself into debt and perhaps buy a 2nd hand one

@UnTrussworthy let me know if it's this one; I would like to get this for you.