What to say to child when you can’t afford the ‘main’ gift?

[UnTrussworthy]

My 4yo DD has asked for a particular present this year. One toy, that’s she’s been asking for for months and months since she seen it.

We can’t afford it, at all. It’s too expensive with the cost of living crisis so we just can’t do it.

DD believes that Father Christmas makes all the toys before they’re given to the shops to sell and that’s why he can afford to give presents to all the boys and girls who have been good.

I did try and brush it off when she mentioned it after realising there’s no chance we can get it. I said Father Christmas might not be able to bring her a present like that this year and if there was anything else she could ask for. She said she asked if she had been a good girl and I said she has but sometimes Father Christmas gets to pick what he brings, which she just got upset and thought she had been bad because now he doesn’t want to bring her said toy.

What can I say that A- keeps the magic and B- doesn’t make her think she’s not been good enough to deserve it. I am so filled with guilt worrying about her little face on Christmas when she thinks she’s coming down to the toys she’s asked for and she isn’t.

You make it clear that Father Christmas doesn't bring everything on the list.

I had a pony on mine every year and I am still waiting.

@fruitbrewhaha

No, I never wanted gratitude from my DCs for parenting choices that gave me immense joy.

I did expect them to write thank you notes to relatives who sent them gifts, and they are all polite and appropriately grateful when they have received gifts as older children and into adulthood.

We always opened gifts from family on Christmas Eve (godparents, grandparents) and now that they're aged 21 to 32 we do a gift exchange that night among the five of them. They all give each other a gift, and all give me one too. In the morning there are gifts under the tree from me/Santa.

The point of Santa is to show little children in a tangible way that the universe is a benevolent place and that they are loved unconditionally. Bruno Bettelheim had some excellent insights on this topic.

I hope the seller gets back to you and you're able to work something out. Other kitchens may work, but if you can find the exact one for a price you can afford then that's going to be a much better purchase.

OP, as I said earlier, there is one in a town near me for £20. I'm happy to go and get it. I'm in Herts. If you get stuck, please let me know!

If you don't want to change the story maybe do what I do. I tell my son to think of 10 things to put on his wish list and santa will pick 1or 2 things depending and maybe a surprise. The list is always a wish list not a definite! It is hard when they want something so bad, the only good thing is, is that Christmas is still awhile away and she is 4 so may even forget about Minnie!

You don’t get everything you want from FC. You write the list of things you’d like, then you get what he gives you.

Get creative! Make or buy a cheap second hand child's kitchen then get some transfers and paint and make it into a mini mouse one. Honestly get some ideas off line it could look amazing.

I always wanted a Mr Frosty and never got one!!! Scarred for life I am lol I'm joking

Our stockings, full of little useful or edible gifts, were from Father Christmas. The big presents were from family with labels written by the givers. Perhaps go down that route. Explain that everything is costing more money and you can't afford to buy what she has asked for. If she is old enough to ask (I was 7 or 8 before I requested things) she is old enough to be told about the money side of things.

Yes, we did that too! Also that's what made it a fun surprise, we never knew for sure what we would get.

(And my mum and dad would make lots of negative noises at anything they couldn't afford/didn't want us to have, so we sort of knew we weren't getting those anyway).

Oh and they also said they had the power to write to Father Christmas and veto anything that was unsuitable.

I respectfully disagree. Age 4 is too young to be burdened and guilted with family finances.

@UnTrussworthy

Is it this one?

www.smythstoys.com/uk/en-gb/toys/magical-disney-gifts/minnie-mouse/disney-minnie-mouse-fabulous-fun-kitchen/p/140757

We were really skint when ours were really little (as were my parents before me) so Santa brings a stocking of little treats and surprises, main gifts from real people. It has stood us in good stead.

She is not going to believe Santa makes the toys very much longer anyway, as its obvious even to a little child that they come from a shop - otherwise how does she know such a thing exists?

www.modanisa.com/en/-educational-toys-bigs-toy-8481614.html?ship_to=10

Don't know this website but it's £15.99 on here?

This is the biggest reason we taught our 4 year old that mummy and Daddy buy the presents and send them to Santa to deliver them and he brings the stocking fillers at the same time.

In terms of practically being able to afford the item, is 2nd hand an option (Facebook marketplace, vinted, free cycle, ebay etc) you might find people are having clear outs before Christmas.

I think this is the way to explain it. Santa delivers the presents and the elves make them, but people have to pay for them which is why it is not always possible for Santas to give children everything they ask for.

Meanwhile, look online for an as new version or a sale on that particular gift. I wouldn't get a cheap version of what they really want unless what they want is generic like 'a toy farm'. I think that can be more disappointing because they don't understand and will wonder why they couldn't have the preferred version.

Santa only every bought one present to our house, but it was usually the big present which with boys was often new bikes, quite a few years we could not afford new one’s so bought second hand we just gave them a really good clean. I remember me touching up a few marks with nail vanish on a red one. Once they were all cleaned and polished and a big bow on them they never noticed.

I have a friend who is a teacher, and really hates it that some children get loads of presents from Santa, and that some only get one. She says the same every year she wishes all family’s would do the same rule one gift from Santa.

when you think about it obviously Santa only has enough room on his sledge for one present per child to get round the whole world.

UnTrussworthy hope you find a second hand one on Facebook or gumtree, you can always but in a add on Facebook asking if anyone if selling one. Fingers crossed you get one.

You are making a rod for your back by keeping this one going. She young enough to not remember what you said last Christmas, so start changing the narrative now. At some point, most kids ask for things that are too expensive or not practical, regardless of any cost of living crisis.

This.

Hope it comes good for you OP

I've purchased clothing from this website before and have always been happy with the items. It's a company based in Turkey so the shipping does take a while but I've never had any problems. If you order now it will be here before Christmas.

As a sort of separate point, I think many families do themselves no favours and set up a ‘norm’ in their family of children either getting whatever they want or making long lists, that the family then feel under pressure to fulfill.

Your love for the isn’t measured in how many gifts you give, the price of them or the size of the pile and nor is the pleasure they will get from Christmas Day.

The ‘story’ you tell them about Father Christmas and gifts and list making etc is all totally in your control,and cna be easily adjusted for small children without ruining any of the magic. You simply have to have faith in yourself and the fact that a good Christmas isn’t based on lists of expensive gifts and your own value as a parent not determined by providing them.

Asking kids to make a list, with any suggestion that they can have everything on it or even any individual item is just setting yourself up for problems. The idea that ‘good children’ get the gifts is also a stupid practice - because then some children will wonder if they are good, even if no-one says it. The gifts at Christmas are not a reward for behaviour so saying or hinting at it is foolish and damaging.

Why don’t people say that there will be gifts. And don’t be too specific. There will be a stocking and there will be family gifts. Ensure the stocking is always little bits (and don’t allow the quantity to become daft) and that the bigger gifts are from family. Never guide kids towards adverts for toys or ask them ‘would you like one of those’. Know you will get them something they enjoy and other family memeners will too. Right from tiny tots, make sure that absolutely everything they want ISNT provided. Part if enjoying it is knowing you get some of it and not all of it.

And remmeber it’s not a sign of deprivation or you failing as a parent when you don’t provide a specific item. You might not be able to afford it, or not choose to spend that amount of money, or just decide it wouldn’t be a great item. All of those are fine. Remmeber too, that heaps of families who are very well off spend surprisingly little on Christmas gifts. You don’t get your value from one big blow-out day. It’s a consumerist lie to suggest you do…don’t buy into it and certainly don’t feed it to your kids.

We always said that you give FC ideas but he knows best. I would never allow anything as tacky as that kitchen in my house so FC would be bringing a kitchen but one I liked! Definitely look for 2nd hand, mine got second hand gifts for many years.

Haven’t read whole thread so don’t know if already suggested but nationwide are doing a £200 switch incentive. Go on money savings expert and read the link from there.

This made me lol! Appreciate your good humour. It all sounds v stressful. Good luck!

You have to think outside the box with this stuff. I’d tart up a standard kitchen with Minnie Mouse accessories and act completely surprised if she said it was wrong. Then I’d massively big it up knowing she’d love it anyway.