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Original poster

How can I politely ask the in laws to tone it down a bit next year?

134 replies

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 10:21

They insist on buying way more than we have room for or need. We try giving a couple of options from a list but then they add to it.

They buy advent calendars every year and I feel like this is a bit off as we might be buying them for our child? But they never ask. Should I speak to them in October?

They kick up a fuss if we don't film the grand opening of the presents but we like to just relax and not have the pressure. Especially when DSC2 hates what's she's given each time as they ignore her list.

They are lovely people and they want to spoil their grandchildren but sometimes it just feels all a bit too much. I don't want to be rude to them but need ideas of how DH or I should approach it.

OP posts:
VikingVolva · 28/12/2021 11:02

It definitely needs to be DH who does it.

And as it's his family, perhaps he could come up with some ideas for what might be the best way to approach it?

boomboomboom123 · 28/12/2021 11:08

We were asked to film the kids opening a few things this year and I felt really uncomfortable with it. Is capturing performance present opening reaction now a thing?! I hope not. It's so stressful having to act amazed by a gift I would have hated that as a child.

Whatwouldscullydo · 28/12/2021 11:14

I'd get your dh to do it.

I hate this. As lovely as it is that so many people love and want to be involved with your family they already had their turn with their own kids.

The filming is just weird. Kids aren't here to perform on camera to relatives. Many find Xmas overwhelming and keys face it often a bit of a disappointment because it can't possibly live up the the hype that starts in September. And why would u want to film it rather than be there in the moment with them.

Definitely get dh to set some boundaries before it gets any worse

thedefinitionofmadness · 28/12/2021 11:16

YABU about the advent calendars
YANBU about the filming/pressure/excess

Original poster
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 11:17

Its awful isn't it. The kids aren't there to be filmed. Its so pressurising. We get they were sad they couldn't be there but it just doesn't sit right.

I agree Its DH's problem in terms of talking to them but he's struggling to know what to say. He doesn't want to upset them either. I think maybe if he waits until October and then says oh we're having a toned down Christmas this year and we've got the advent calendar.

OP posts:
Ceramide · 28/12/2021 11:17

Set your own boundaries and ignore them if they 'kick up a fuss'.

HowBad · 28/12/2021 11:18

Don't wait for October, they'll claim to have bought everything by then. It needs doing now.

Original poster
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 11:19

@thedefinitionofmadness

YABU about the advent calendars YANBU about the filming/pressure/excess
Really? Just wondering why you think that? Advent calendar was always a big thing when I was growing up. We'd have a nice picture one as a family and take it in turns.

I guess there's no harm in having two.

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HowBad · 28/12/2021 11:19

And then DH can remind them in October! You're just delaying it waiting until then and the same thing will happen as this year.

Original poster
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 11:19

@HowBad

Don't wait for October, they'll claim to have bought everything by then. It needs doing now.
Ok thanks good point!
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InFiveMins · 28/12/2021 11:22

Just get DH to tell them to quit it with the advent calendars and that your kids won't be filmed as you don't want to film it. He doesn't want to upset them but is ok with their behaviour upsetting you?

Tell him to do it now so it's out of the way for next year.

TragoCardboardCopper · 28/12/2021 11:22

If you tell them you're having a 'toned down xmas' then I think you run the risk of them translating that as you aren't getting your DC/DSC much, and they'll be even worse to make up for it.

Original poster
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 11:24

@TragoCardboardCopper

If you tell them you're having a 'toned down xmas' then I think you run the risk of them translating that as you aren't getting your DC/DSC much, and they'll be even worse to make up for it.
Oh dear!! Another good point thanks!

See its like a minefield.

I think PP was right DH is just going to have to be a bit firm.

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ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 28/12/2021 11:26

For the filming, I put one phone up over the room, and capture whatever. Any really cute reactions I'll send clips, otherwise I just take a still from the film, of the kid with the toy/parcel in their hand, and send that with a caption of thanks. There's paper everywhere and a tree in the background so it illustrates the chaos nicely.

ShowOfHands · 28/12/2021 11:27

My parents always buy my children an advent calendar and we buy them one too. It's fine. I wouldn't worry about that at all.

The overbuying you just have to firmly say that it is too much. My brother said the same to my Mum a few years ago (not due to real excess tbh, but my dnieces both have ASD and are too overwhelmed) and it was fine.

RowsOfHolly · 28/12/2021 11:27

If they ask: “sorry, can’t promise. If it feels right in the moment, maybe, but we don’t want the kids to feel self conscious or to perform. But one way and another there will be lovely photos. Oooh, have you seen such and such a film / read about…”

Chewbecca · 28/12/2021 11:28

Are they your DC or step DC? If the latter, definitely keep right out, you’ll never get it right and be seen as the evil one.

I wouldn’t even bother addressing it, just accept the advent calendar and ignore the filming request and breezily say it didn’t work for you.

To be honest, they don’t sound like the worst in-laws or GPs so just accept their approach is probably the best option here.

Charliesgotachocolatefactory · 28/12/2021 11:28

The advent calendar is no biggie - my DCs have 3, one from us and one from each set of Grandparents.

The presents thing is harder. Your DH needs to be firm - speak to them before new year and say we’re very grateful but you give too much. Could we ask you to consult with us next year and we’ll give you a list to choose their main present from. Our DCs get a main present or two that we have had input on, then a few smaller stocking filler-types that the GCs can go ‘rogue’ on. (And they do 😂)

As for the video - no. Take photos after the opening and send them that. They got the opening fun when their DCs were small, now it’s your turn.

Summerfun54321 · 28/12/2021 11:36

My in laws bought advent calendars this year when we already had them. There’s no way 2 young kids need 2 chocolate advent calendars each. My DH just said “thanks but we don’t need those”. Your DH needs to step in here, it’s not your problem to sort.

Namechangeforthis88 · 28/12/2021 11:39

We've laid it on thick about how DS is a bit of a hoarder, loves his bits and pieces, we don't want to have to make him get rid of his wee treasures to make room for more, he just doesn't have room for more!

andweallsingalong · 28/12/2021 11:44

I'd save the presents from them until they're with grandparents. Breaks it up a bit and removes any reason to film. DD has always loved doing it that way and would have been too overwhelmed with everything at once when she was little.

DH really needs to have a firm word about DSDs presents. They need to buy for the child she is not the child they want her to be. Could really damage her self esteem as she gets older that they haven't bothered to get to know anything about her as an individual.

The advent calendars is up to you. Either suck it up, let them have 2 or say you're buying them next year.

Original poster
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 11:47

@Chewbecca

Are they your DC or step DC? If the latter, definitely keep right out, you’ll never get it right and be seen as the evil one.

I wouldn’t even bother addressing it, just accept the advent calendar and ignore the filming request and breezily say it didn’t work for you.

To be honest, they don’t sound like the worst in-laws or GPs so just accept their approach is probably the best option here.

Both.

DSC I'm not really worried about the advent calendar if DH isn't as they are older but DC is young enough for a picture one to still be exciting.

Oh they definitely aren't the worst and it's great they are so loving. It's just it comes out in the forms of mounds of plastic and unwanted gifts.

I think we need to pick our battles and the filming is probably the main thing to stand firm on. Promises of photos might be the best way to go.

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ShippingNews · 28/12/2021 11:47

I'm a grandmother - couldn't be with the GC this year because of Covid. I really did appreciate that my daughter took some nice pix of the children opening my gifts to them - I didn't want a movie of the occasion, but a few pictures was great. Maybe you could do this next time - It's only a few seconds of your time and it is appreciated by the people who've given the gifts.

Original poster
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 11:48

They need to buy for the child she is not the child they want her to be agreed DH should address this too

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madisonbridges · 28/12/2021 11:48

Your children get 2 advent calendars?! 😱