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Original poster

How can I politely ask the in laws to tone it down a bit next year?

134 replies

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 10:21

They insist on buying way more than we have room for or need. We try giving a couple of options from a list but then they add to it.

They buy advent calendars every year and I feel like this is a bit off as we might be buying them for our child? But they never ask. Should I speak to them in October?

They kick up a fuss if we don't film the grand opening of the presents but we like to just relax and not have the pressure. Especially when DSC2 hates what's she's given each time as they ignore her list.

They are lovely people and they want to spoil their grandchildren but sometimes it just feels all a bit too much. I don't want to be rude to them but need ideas of how DH or I should approach it.

OP posts:
crosstalk · 29/12/2021 19:07

OP Just talk to your husband about it. His parents are obviously generous and loving to all their children and grandchildren. But as PP have said it might be worth saying that their grandchildren might be happier (later on) with a donation to a proper bank account for first car/uni/training. Which includes birthdays.

And agree a pix of Happy Christmas in the morning followed much later by filmed thank yous is much better than a continual feed.

TitsMcgeePlusThree · 29/12/2021 19:15

We have a rule with the families. If they buy it, I have the right to leave it at their house 😁 it means they check with me before buying any big things because they don’t want them at their house either 😂

Morgysmum · 29/12/2021 19:18

Let me know if it works, my mil has a habit of buying us loads of stocking filler stuff, we did tell her to scale it back, she had done for a bit, but this year had gone overboard again. I guess because she didn't get to see us last year, however she always but stuff I don't use, I always get wolly socks, I get heat rash so don't wear wolly socks. Also I got a shower gel gift set, but I don't do showers, I also have sensitive skin, which she knows about, but still goes for the heavily perfumed stuff, which could upset my skin. I always have to but on a smlie and say how nice it is. She brought a couple of gifts for my son, as money wasn't enough, but both were things he already has, hopefully she can get her money back, but this happens when they go against your lid, my son asked for money, so he could buy what he wants. If she wanted to get him more, she should have just brought some sweets or asked what he is into.
So I know how you feel, luckily she hasn't asked us to film anything, I think this is down to her not being that OK with technology.

Sarbears28 · 29/12/2021 19:31

I have this same thing with both in laws and my parents. We first tried being nice about it asking for one present and one set of clothes after the first year being just a ridiculous amount of clothes and plastic for a 2month old (they would never remember or know). The second year they still didnt listen and still arrived on Christmas eve with those extra large present bags and sacks. The year after (now with a second child, 4months) we outright said only one present, one outfit will be accepted into the house, everything else you will have to take back. They listened. Last year, due to covid dh and I were more lenient due to lack of contact they were allowed to have and they did buy slightly more, but still ok. But this year.......they again arrived with bags and bags of presents. So we said, no, they dont need it, it makes them overwhelmed and next year it's back to one present and one outfit. The rest you are taking back (we have made them do this with b/day presents, so know we are serious).

When it comes to advent calendars, both parents bought our 2month old one...when we mentioned that the child was not allowed chocolate, they said we could eat it, but child needs an advent (why?), we told them not to buy one the next year, we would be doing it as I wanted to get a book one on the nativity. They both again bought one (we hid them and dh ate them). We have since said they can buy them on alternative years to keep peace. We do feel mean but we dont have a big house or endless amounts of storage. Parents just dont seem to think where it will go?

hoomama · 29/12/2021 19:36

Ahh my MIL is the same. Spends hundreds on my Girls. Her and Aunty used to buy them advent calendars every year and we were buying as well so my 2 year old (at the time) ended up with 4 calendars!

I got my partner to have a quiet word and just we would like to buy the calendars. It did work and her and Aunty just buy hair clips or something instead.

I say that but actually MIL turned up with an expensive playmobil advent calendar this year and said she had bought it for her house but there wasn't much point in it being there 😂😂. So perhaps they won't listen😂.

I do think though that sometimes it isn't worth the hassle. They are excited and just want to shower them with gifts. Hopefully it will naturally calm down a bit over the next few years!

Sarbears28 · 29/12/2021 19:37

I also forgot to say when it comes to videos, it's a straight no. We take about 10photos of the entire present opening and that's it. We do video call them (if they are not coming for Christmas lunch) in the afternoon.

Joystir59 · 29/12/2021 19:45

Just say " no we don't like turning present opening into a performance, so we won't be filming them, sorry".
Choose your battles, families are about give and take. Why not let them buy the advent calendars each year and you step back?

starfishofbethlehem · 29/12/2021 19:52

Especially when DSC2 hates what's she's given each time as they ignore her list.

Good reason to film that bit!! They might realise they need to read the list!!

But is a two minute film of the kids ripping paper off the presents from the In Laws so bad? (I wouldn't do it for them opening gifts from other people). I mean, they might want to actually visit.....

Thatsplentyjack · 29/12/2021 19:52

I wouldn't tell my parents to tone it down with gifts. No my gifts to reject.

Midlifemusings · 29/12/2021 19:57

I think so much of it is family traditions. Growing up it would have been very rude if we provided an exact list and said only buy me these things. That isn't really gift giving. Part of gift giving is picking out gifts and surprises - not just opening the list you demanded people get!

I guess because of our own traditions, our kids just love getting gifts and we expect them to be thankful and appreciative that others thought of them and chose to buy them something. They put out ideas but if they ever turned up their nose at a gift, the rest of the gifts would be removed. If in the end they don't like it, they can later regift it but in the moment, they need to be appreciative of any gift. A gift is that - it isn't a buy me x and y and if you don't, I will be rude.

blisstwins · 29/12/2021 19:59

You can have two advent calendars….let them be generous. I would FaceTime the instead of filming. Intent is everything and they mean well. My kids grandparents could not be bothered. I would accept this minor annoyance

Cuwins · 29/12/2021 20:03

I suspect this is going to be me in coming years! I am expecting my first who is an only grandchild on either side and I have a sister who is very generous with present buying too!
I am going to give them a list of things we/child would like and see how that goes but we do have limited space so I may have to be firm!
I don't have a problem with more than 1 advent calendar though.
However filming/photos would be a massive issue for me. I hate having my photo taken (I am 30 weeks pregnant and there isn't a single picture of a pregnant me for instance) and always have- even a couple of photos of me opening presents would have been really hard for me although I might have consented to a couple. Worse was/is anyone taking pictures without me being asked. So my big question would be how do the kids feel about it? If they don't like it then I would tell DH to make sure his parents know that and explain that you won't be doing it without their consent.

BlissfullyIgnorant · 29/12/2021 20:12

"Hey, in laws! We bought DCs choccy advent calendars this year so how about getting us those boozy ones with wine or gin in them? Cheers luvs!"

SpiderinaWingMirror · 29/12/2021 20:15

Some compromise. Get the picture adventure for your children. Let them have granny's afterschool/nursery.
Hold firm on the presents. My dd has a tiny house at the moment. Dgd got a modest toy from us. We will buy her something for the garden in the summer and passes for tye local farm .

sparklemagicsnow · 29/12/2021 20:24

@madisonbridges

Your children get 2 advent calendars?! 😱
Don't. My children got three each this year.

We bought them one, a Playmobil one each. That was more than enough. Then my DM turned up with a chocolate one for them and a day later my MIL did too. They'd already seen them (mine are only 5 and 3!) so the damage was done.

I took one chocolate one away and DH and I ate them Grin so they only ended up with two each but still, it's too much. I've asked my DM and MIL not to do it again next year.

OP, just say no!

Anniegetyourgun · 29/12/2021 20:30

I wish my parents were alive to spoil my kids.

There's always one, isn't there? Hmm

Moo31 · 29/12/2021 21:37

We had the same thing with ILs last year - I totted it up and they had spent over £300 on DS. He was only just 3. We had spent approx £150 on his Christmas presents. DP had a word in Jan and reminded them again in Sept. We asked them to get one present and a pair of PJs. They listened - sort of! They got the one present plus 2 pairs of PJs, an outfit, some sweets, 2 books and a small toy related to something DS is really into at the minute. DP said he would have another word that they hadn't stuck exactly to what we had asked but I told him not too as I'm prepared to compromise on the "extras".

CommanderBurnham · 29/12/2021 21:58

Maybe a conversation around how kind and generous they are but how you all have decided that it's wasteful, and don't want to spoil them too much, that their time and love will be more appreciated. maybe they could take them for a day out and send you the video.

Btljalrrl08 · 29/12/2021 22:56

Could you maybe suggest that instead of loads of presents they could may be do a trip out or a trip to the panto or something for them and you and then 1 present. The memories from the days out are what will last, not what gift they were given.

2319inprogress · 29/12/2021 23:37

We fixed this by asking for family memberships (zoo/farm park/historic Scotland)
lots of days out to send photos from throughout the year which the GPs appreciate & it saves us a fortune

Bleachmycloths · 30/12/2021 04:09

It seems to me to be more about them wanting to muscle into your parental experience. As one poster pointed out - they’ve had their turn so now they should leave you to have yours.
I would find the filming a total PITA. It’s taking away your experience and it’s intrusive for the children. PIL should be happy with your description of how delighted the children were with their presents.
PS - I wouldn’t worry about the advent calendars. Having 2 or 3 doesn’t matter imo.

RainbowMum11 · 30/12/2021 04:30

As the kids open their gifts, say - oh that's brilliant, what a great present to keep at your grandparents!!
Did the trick for me.

loveyours · 30/12/2021 08:26

@SpindleSpangle

Is capturing performance present opening reaction now a thing?!

It's so awful, isn't it? I wonder if it became something associated with obsessive video camera filming from the 1980s onwards? "Put the bloody camera down, Frank!"

And then the advent of smart phones and social media has magnified it a million times over to new heights of hideousness.

I think it's intrusive and crass unless everybody gives their genuine, enthuiastic permission. And as for this bollocks about "seeing the joy on their faces" - please, get over yourself. It's a bath set or a toy, not the second coming of the messiah in the Judean desert.

It's understandable for a big present like one specifically asked for, where you know they'll love it and want to see the reaction

The idea of just filming random presents is so awkward, nooo

Xmasiscancelledagain · 30/12/2021 08:34

Be firm. Be firm, Be firm.

We had similar with PIL 'going off list' with presents. Buying far too much and buying what didn't get played with or used. The final straw was when they bought DC the same rubbish and disliked board game two years in the row. It just showed how little thought and effort they actually put into the whole process.

DH told them to either buy the DC clothes or not bother at all. Finally this year they got clothes which they don't like but will do nicely for muddy days out on their bikes

Mygirlruby · 30/12/2021 08:37

Interesting to see how this goes on and on with new generatios of parents. My departed MIL used to buy mountains of presents just so it looked like those awful pics of waist high piles. When I was a child, one of four kids, we had a few presents each, and each one was opened one at a time by the recipient so it was special. My MIL, who was always with us on Xmas day from dawn to dusk, encouraged our kids to have an opening frenzy and I HATED it. I was never brave enough to confront her and DH saw nothing wrong with it. Please please please OP, get your big girl pants on like I never did and say something because otherwise this will go on until your kids are adults themselves.