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Original poster

How can I politely ask the in laws to tone it down a bit next year?

134 replies

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 10:21

They insist on buying way more than we have room for or need. We try giving a couple of options from a list but then they add to it.

They buy advent calendars every year and I feel like this is a bit off as we might be buying them for our child? But they never ask. Should I speak to them in October?

They kick up a fuss if we don't film the grand opening of the presents but we like to just relax and not have the pressure. Especially when DSC2 hates what's she's given each time as they ignore her list.

They are lovely people and they want to spoil their grandchildren but sometimes it just feels all a bit too much. I don't want to be rude to them but need ideas of how DH or I should approach it.

OP posts:
StillNo · 28/12/2021 12:58

I had this but with my parents. Who are lovely. But just lost their minds slightly at Christmas.

The only way is to tell them straight, in October ish time. Just get it over with. They won’t like it but they’ll get over it.

However - I couldn’t have done this with the in laws. It needs to be your partner who does it or they’ll just think your the wicked witch of the west.

Thepineapplemystery · 28/12/2021 12:59

We had this with my mum. I tried and tried to be nice about it but in the end to get the point across I had to tell her most the stuff went to the charity shop in January. She wasn't happy, but definitely toned it down after that.

As for advent calendars, my kids just have 3 every year, I've made my peace with it!

RussianSpy101 · 28/12/2021 13:00

I don’t see the problem in the children having more than one advent calender tbh. It’s not a big deal.
I wouldn’t be filming my children opening gifts though

wishing3 · 28/12/2021 13:02

Not RTFT but could you film a thank you message from the kids rather than having the pressure of them opening the gifts?

Original poster
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 13:03

@wishing3

Not RTFT but could you film a thank you message from the kids rather than having the pressure of them opening the gifts?
Yeah filming a thank you is a nice idea too

I'm so glad I asked thank you all x

OP posts:
HowBad · 28/12/2021 13:11

I share your views with advent calendars to be honest. One is enough. I think it's silly having more than one. I didn't buy DD one this year, because we were given three..!

I had to be firm with my neighbour who started telling me about the calendar she had ordered for next year Shock

saleorbouy · 28/12/2021 13:18

Could you tackle it from an environmental view point and say that doubling up on calenders is unnecessary and wasteful. Also that one gift is fine.

We has similar this year when Grandparents arrived mid Xmas morning with basically another stocking of presents. The poor kids were overwhelmed and just settling into playing with their Santa gifts.
I think this excess is just ridiculous,I have great Christmas memories as a child and never received mountains if gifts.
To me kids just don't need it especially all on one day. Some gifts we put to one side to reproduce on a rainy day.

Iknowitisheresomewhere · 28/12/2021 14:11

You could suggest (or buy yourself) an ‘advent of change’ calendar which supports 24 different charities and has a message behind each door ‘today you have helped (eg provide a Christmas dinner for someone who can’t cook their own)’. My children have that and then one picture one - I am with you on the no chocolate!

madisonbridges · 28/12/2021 14:19

@Hairyfriend

Do they buy ANY of the gifts on the kids lists? If not and they just buy anything other random thing, my approach would be:

'Thank you for the thought, but Emily/Johnny were so disappointed that you didn't read their list and didn't want any videos taken. I did take a photo for you, but I'd really appreciate you reading their list next year and only getting things from that. Unfortunately, the kids just wont play with the duplo set/whatever and we'll be donating those to charity'.

Seriously, would you really write that?
LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 14:20

I’m just going to throw that in.

My parents are abroad so haven’t been able to be with us these last christmases (us with them).
We’ve used FaceTime a lot to try and make them part of the celebration. The iPad was put at such angle that they could see most of the children. Grand parents could talk to the dcs and vice versa. This worked well.

I also had a father who loved filing in the 1980s! And as a child I hated it. But I can fondly look at those films and remember those times in a way you don’t with photos (or with memory alone).
So whilst I’m a big proponent of enjoying the moment and not spending time filming/taking photos/behind a screen, I am now learning that capturing those moments are ALSO nice and important.
Eg some of nicest photos I have is from the dcs opening their presents at Christmas when they were little
But also, a ing never taken many photos with my PIL, as a family, we all discovered that we hardly have any of my FIL, let alone some at Christmas etc…., when we were looking for photos of him for his funeral.

What I am trying to say here is

  • yes it’s a pain and it takes you away from the ‘moment’
  • but don’t be too strict. You might well really appreciate those in a few years time iyswim.
Original poster
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 14:23

*What I am trying to say here is

  • yes it’s a pain and it takes you away from the ‘moment’
  • but don’t be too strict. You might well really appreciate those in a few years time iyswim.*

Good point xx

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 28/12/2021 14:26

What's the problem with filming someone opening a present? I think that's lovely for their grandparents, who obviously love them, to see. I understand not filming the whole morning but one present...?
What a lovely Christmas spirit there is on MN.

Original poster
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 15:04

@madisonbridges

What's the problem with filming someone opening a present? I think that's lovely for their grandparents, who obviously love them, to see. I understand not filming the whole morning but one present...? What a lovely Christmas spirit there is on MN.
Because
  1. The person filming is having to film so not able to relax and enjoy the moment too.
  2. The person being filmed is then under pressure to react. When it is DSC being given yet another thing she doesn't like then it is unfair on her to have to be conscious of how she is acting for a camera when she is probably thinking I hate this they don't know me.
OP posts:
madisonbridges · 28/12/2021 15:27

But you've said they send loads of presents so can't you stop relaxing for one present? Can't you just do something nice for them? You say you like them but it doesn't come across like that. It reads more like you're spoiling for a fight.

Original poster
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 15:29

@madisonbridges

But you've said they send loads of presents so can't you stop relaxing for one present? Can't you just do something nice for them? You say you like them but it doesn't come across like that. It reads more like you're spoiling for a fight.
I'm really not! I would have posted in AIBU if I thought they were demanding something ridiculous! I get why they want us to film. We don't want to do it.
OP posts:
Original poster
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 15:29

I've even said in the title it's about just politely asking them to calm down a bit!

OP posts:
LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 15:38

Because
1. The person filming is having to film so not able to relax and enjoy the moment too.
2. The person being filmed is then under pressure to react. When it is DSC being given yet another thing she doesn't like then it is unfair on her to have to be conscious of how she is acting for a camera when she is probably thinking I hate this they don't know me.

That’s why I prefer FaceTime. You just have to plonk the ipad somewhere and get in with opening the presents after saying hello the granny. No one is needed to hold the camera. Everyone can concentrate on their presents and granny can even comment/participate in the opening (oh look at that! It’s fantastic! Etc etc. Just like you would if the person was there.

MeredithGreyishblue · 28/12/2021 16:25

@Hairyfriend

Do they buy ANY of the gifts on the kids lists? If not and they just buy anything other random thing, my approach would be:

'Thank you for the thought, but Emily/Johnny were so disappointed that you didn't read their list and didn't want any videos taken. I did take a photo for you, but I'd really appreciate you reading their list next year and only getting things from that. Unfortunately, the kids just wont play with the duplo set/whatever and we'll be donating those to charity'.

Wow. That's so rude & ungrateful

This list thing is so mercenary. Really not the spirit of Christmas. We all wrote lists as kids but I can't ever imagine "hating" something that someone had chosen for me because it wasn't on the list. What are we breeding? The SILs that get moaned about on here!

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 28/12/2021 16:38

@Hairyfriend

Do they buy ANY of the gifts on the kids lists? If not and they just buy anything other random thing, my approach would be:

'Thank you for the thought, but Emily/Johnny were so disappointed that you didn't read their list and didn't want any videos taken. I did take a photo for you, but I'd really appreciate you reading their list next year and only getting things from that. Unfortunately, the kids just wont play with the duplo set/whatever and we'll be donating those to charity'.

I don’t think you will OP, but please don’t say this to them.
Wimpeyspread · 28/12/2021 16:39

@ShippingNews

I'm a grandmother - couldn't be with the GC this year because of Covid. I really did appreciate that my daughter took some nice pix of the children opening my gifts to them - I didn't want a movie of the occasion, but a few pictures was great. Maybe you could do this next time - It's only a few seconds of your time and it is appreciated by the people who've given the gifts.
But is it appreciated by the children being photographed? Can’t they just enjoy it without the photos?
Forgotthespuds · 28/12/2021 16:44

My Ex Mil buys my kids a huge, as big as them sack full of stuff. Not from a list but just random stuff collected through the year. The opening is a frenzy. The kids love it, she loves it. She won't be around forever but the memories of her huge Christmas sacks will be. Let the kids enjoy it and filter out after Christmas.

Notmrsfitz · 29/12/2021 17:30

Advent calendars are fun and I think you should just allow them or ask them to buy a shared posh calendar instead maybe a Lego one ( if that’s what your dc like) instead of gifts to excess and the filming - say dc will FaceTime them after the opening and of course you will get some photos during the event too, then for the gifting maybe say they have an awful lot and as a special tradition it would be a fabulous idea for them to pay for panto tickets or Santa’s train tickets as an activity before Christmas that they could possibly attend to - and if they still want to buy a present for the day a jigsaw or a special item of clothing would be amazing.
You could sell it to them by saying how awesome their generosity is but how the children don’t always remember who bought what and it all gets a bit muddled but memories of trips out last.

itsgettingweird · 29/12/2021 17:39

Forget to film them.

When asked just say you forgot as everyone was just enjoying themselves.

Take a few photos though of them smiling with gift and send.

nomoneytreehere · 29/12/2021 17:41

I gave the chocolate advent calendars my in-laws bought to the food bank as we already had some. No child needs 2.

nomoneytreehere · 29/12/2021 17:42

Ps I suggested the jisa to my in-laws. They would rather buy heaps of shit we don't need. This year they bought Christmas Eve boxes. Such a materialistic waste.