How can I politely ask the in laws to tone it down a bit next year?

[TinyLittlePandaSneeze]

They insist on buying way more than we have room for or need. We try giving a couple of options from a list but then they add to it.

They buy advent calendars every year and I feel like this is a bit off as we might be buying them for our child? But they never ask. Should I speak to them in October?

They kick up a fuss if we don't film the grand opening of the presents but we like to just relax and not have the pressure. Especially when DSC2 hates what's she's given each time as they ignore her list.

They are lovely people and they want to spoil their grandchildren but sometimes it just feels all a bit too much. I don't want to be rude to them but need ideas of how DH or I should approach it.

@ShippingNews

I'm a grandmother - couldn't be with the GC this year because of Covid. I really did appreciate that my daughter took some nice pix of the children opening my gifts to them - I didn't want a movie of the occasion, but a few pictures was great. Maybe you could do this next time - It's only a few seconds of your time and it is appreciated by the people who've given the gifts.

Yeah this seems a good compromise

Can you ask them to contribute towards savings/premium bonds for their 18th birthday instead. I've done this with my in laws, £150+ they'd spend on each child annually. I suggested how wonderful it would be if that was saved towards their 1st car etc. They went for the idea, I didn't think that they would but now the kids have £7k each growing in their ISA's.

I'm in a similar situation with my parents Advent calendars they buy and we buy so the kids have more than 1 not really a problem.

I did say to my mum 'as a joke' don't buy too much, I don't think she realised I was joking. The next year I straight up said please don't buy them loads as they don't play with half of it. Also I donate or regift toys if I know they won't use them because at the end of the day they're my kids and my house. Good luck

@Twinkleylight genius idea as long as they don't do it in addition to the presents! They are so generous it's lovely really but i think they forget they get gifts from other people too!

Ok so advent calendar we'll just leave :)

Thanks oh wise mumsnetters!

Are the advent calenders cheap, supermarket chocolate ones or is yours some sort of hand made, passed down, special, family one that you re-fill with gifts/sweets yourself?

I agree with having words now, during the year and closer to Christmas. Maybe honestly is best and ask them to stick to the list the children have made, and the rest goes to the charity shop. This said in a nice, but realistic way.

Could you suggest that they buy tickets/ vouchers for a day out rather than material things?

I'd think of a family day out or holiday activity you want to do and say you are not doing any presents just want contributions towards the activity of they want to do that instead.

It's hard to tell them though. We get way too much from in-laws, we often unwrap a few and decide whether the DC get them beforehand. We have a cupboard full of presents to regift this year as they're often not suitable/copies of what they already have/too big for our house/unnecessary tat.

Crikey. My kids had 3 advent calendars each this year, not sure how anyone can get upset about this. I'd be more upset if they opened them out of sequence than about who bought them

Maybe a couple of pics of the kids opening gifts rather than video, again not a biggie.

DH needs to address the gift situation though. It sounds like it needs to be quite a blunt conversation. Include all the space/money/disinterest points.

They buy advent calendars every year and I feel like this is a bit off as we might be buying them for our child? But they never ask. Should I speak to them in October?

In your shoes, I just wouldn't bother with buying the advent calendars unless it was obvious by late November that they weren't coming. I'm all for saving the money.

They kick up a fuss if we don't film the grand opening of the presents but we like to just relax and not have the pressure.

I think I'd discover that, oh dear, I must have pressed the wrong button on the phone so the filming didn't happen.

[quote TinyLittlePandaSneeze]@Twinkleylight genius idea as long as they don't do it in addition to the presents! They are so generous it's lovely really but i think they forget they get gifts from other people too![/quote]
@TinyLittlePandaSneeze you could suggest a budget and out of that they buy one gift & rest in savings/bonds.

I think grandparents like to give something the kids can open on Christmas morning. Maybe they can take them to the panto in between Christmas and New Year & that's their little tradition. Or grandparents can buy a theme park or experience pass or activity (swimming) so it's a big gift but doesn't clutter the house.

Get your DH to do it and compromise a bit.

If you can get them to "spend half, save half" so £100 in junior isa £100 plastic vs £200 plastic to go on driving lessons and car.

If the calendar is a hill to die not sure it is tbh on head them off at the pass. Buy refillable ones and wax lyrical from September about how excited you are to fill them.

On the filming I'd just the set phone/portal up in the corner and let it roll. Or forget and send a few posed snaps

They’re your DH’s parents. He should be tackling it, not you. Does he feel the same as you?

Is capturing performance present opening reaction now a thing?!

It's so awful, isn't it? I wonder if it became something associated with obsessive video camera filming from the 1980s onwards? "Put the bloody camera down, Frank!"

And then the advent of smart phones and social media has magnified it a million times over to new heights of hideousness.

I think it's intrusive and crass unless everybody gives their genuine, enthuiastic permission. And as for this bollocks about "seeing the joy on their faces" - please, get over yourself. It's a bath set or a toy, not the second coming of the messiah in the Judean desert.

How do you think it would go down if you suggested they open a bank account for each child and put money in there every Christmas / birthday, then they can just buy a small gift so they have something to open "on the day"?

This has worked well for us and DS has a sizeable pot now for travelling, car etc.

@HikingforScenery

They’re your DH’s parents. He should be tackling it, not you. Does he feel the same as you?

Yes, he is going to speak to them.x

This year, I filmed DD giving a quick thank you on Messenger, showing the gift, sent to each relative I have on there who gave her something. It took max. 20 seconds, done and dusted, the giver is happy and DD is happy because as far as she's concerned she's said thank you and that's fewer thank you letters to write.

It's a bath set or a toy, not the second coming of the messiah in the Judean desert. hahaha

Do they buy ANY of the gifts on the kids lists? If not and they just buy anything other random thing, my approach would be:

'Thank you for the thought, but Emily/Johnny were so disappointed that you didn't read their list and didn't want any videos taken. I did take a photo for you, but I'd really appreciate you reading their list next year and only getting things from that. Unfortunately, the kids just wont play with the duplo set/whatever and we'll be donating those to charity'.

I'm against the MN wave here because the advent calendar would be an issue for me. It was a big thing in my childhood too - we took it in turns and never had chocolate ones, and I hate how hard it is to find a plastic free one.

We bought a lovely reusable one from Melissa and Doug - if we were gifted another it would go straight to the charity shop sealed in time for another child to enjoy it.

@JennyForeigner I thought I was perhaps being a bit precious about the advent calendar. I remember having one with pictures as a family and loving the excitement in the morning. I just don't think the fredo the frog ones have the same impact.

But we can solve this by DSC having their chocolate one in their room and DH can eat DCs

Thank you for the thought, but Emily/Johnny were so disappointed that you didn't read their list and didn't want any videos taken.

Blimey, I would not recommend this. Kids need to be taught to be grateful if people think of them, not disappointed if their demands aren't acceded to.

Don’t worry they’ll eventually stop when either a. other grandchildren come along or b. Your kids turn into teens. My in-laws basically chuck vouchers at the kids these days, I kind of miss the old days of them being spoilt.

@CoolShoeshine

Don’t worry they’ll eventually stop when either a. other grandchildren come along or b. Your kids turn into teens. My in-laws basically chuck vouchers at the kids these days, I kind of miss the old days of them being spoilt.

No.. they have loads of grandchildren! SIL has mentioned she finds it a bit much too!