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Christmas

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Original poster

How can I politely ask the in laws to tone it down a bit next year?

134 replies

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 10:21

They insist on buying way more than we have room for or need. We try giving a couple of options from a list but then they add to it.

They buy advent calendars every year and I feel like this is a bit off as we might be buying them for our child? But they never ask. Should I speak to them in October?

They kick up a fuss if we don't film the grand opening of the presents but we like to just relax and not have the pressure. Especially when DSC2 hates what's she's given each time as they ignore her list.

They are lovely people and they want to spoil their grandchildren but sometimes it just feels all a bit too much. I don't want to be rude to them but need ideas of how DH or I should approach it.

OP posts:

Watchamocauli · 29/12/2021 17:42

I would just send them the list of Advent calendars and gifts in advance saying- Buy what you can and you’ll get the rest.

Re filming opening, we do this as GP are all abroad. One parent holds the cam from a distance with zoom on certainly not in child’s face. And send unedited videos, they get unfiltered reaction as they would if they were here. Once they realise only the presents from the child’s list get favorable response, they will learn to stick to the list

Don’t take the pressure of other people’s actions.

007Stocko · 29/12/2021 17:43

Life is way too short to fall out over an advent calendar. Whilst you feel it is special that you have a family one then the grandparents might equally feel it is something they feel is special for them to do. Simple answer is to enjoy both of them - I'm sure the child would be more than happy.

In terms of filming them opening presents, that's a personal choice. But maybe, if they aren't there next time, consider getting the child to do a very quick 'thank you' video 'thanks for the gifts and have a great Christmas - look forward to seeing you soon'.

None of it sounds like its worth a family feud over!

AlternativePerspective · 29/12/2021 17:45

I couldn’t get worked up about this.

Advent calendars, meh, you can never have too many of them, seriously, and children really don’t remember that the parents were the ones who bought them, just that they had x amount of them. My mum used to buy one for mine and my sister’s kids, I bought them, and they had picture ones at school iirc.

And really there’s little harm in taking a couple of pictures, but if they don’t live too far then save the opening of their presents from the ILS until you visit them. Problem solved.

Pinkpeanut27 · 29/12/2021 17:50

Just don’t give them the advent calendars, say you already had them and donated them to the food bank if they ask and just don’t film the kids opening the presents .
Not sure what to do with Tne bits they don’t want ? My mum
Used to secretly open and swap any think from my aunt and uncle whom we rarely saw and make thank you notes vague ! Not sure you can get away with that with grandparents ?

Insanelysilver · 29/12/2021 17:58

Can’t see why it’s a problem if your PIL buy advent calendars tbh.
As to the other issues, I’d explain the kids don’t enjoy being filmed opening their presents so you won’t be doing that and that you thought they’d rather know that DD didn’t like the present (although it was very generous of them) I’d say she’s quite picky and so it’s better if they stick to something she’s asked for.

Sillyname63 · 29/12/2021 17:58

You could suggest they buy an experience instead of a gift something like Panto or ice skating or a yearly subscription for the National Trust ( expensive I know) if they live near by they could come with you or take the children themselves

Olu123 · 29/12/2021 18:03

I wish my parents were alive to spoil my kids.
Is it really an issue for your child(ren) to be grateful to have received a gift even if it’s not something they would Particularly want …?
A lesson that life may not always go your way but be thankful someone at least is thinking of you enough to spend their money to get you something…?
A short video of a few minutes is too stressful in a 24 hour day?

RenoSusan · 29/12/2021 18:07

We watched a game show with the littles and showed them how the contestants showed appreciation. Yes, it was way over the top. Then we wrapped up potatoes and had the children show appreciation in a more toned down way. Then we had them open up a trinket the same way and they got to keep it. So just before birthdays or holidays, we talk about the correct way to open a gift. It works and they learn a life lesson. It is not about the gift, It is showing appreciation of the person giving the gift.

MadMadaMim · 29/12/2021 18:10

Ask to minimise plastic and non recyclables - so many reasons to do so

Advent calendar - let it go. I have one DC (older teen) and there are at least 3 every year.

Explain the children are at an age where they do a list because its things they'd really prefer and, if possible, could they gift from said list. If they want to go off list - ask them to give a heads up to discuss before they purchase

hivemindneeded · 29/12/2021 18:11

Don't be so mean about the advent calendars. Why on earth can't they have more than one? Just get a different type. If they get chocolate or Lego, get them a trad story of the nativity one, or vice versa. Don;t be that precious, controlling D-L who finds fault in loving gestures.

But as to filming the presents, I agree that;s encouraging DC to perform. You could have a word about that. Or if you can't face it, white lie - just say the film glitched or that you forgot. Get DC to write thank yous or phone them instead.

Smithitchi · 29/12/2021 18:14

It’s possibly a good opportunity to address the issue of consent. Do the kids like being filmed? Perhaps ask them? And if they really don’t, your in laws should respect this. I absolutely hated being filmed unawares or in the middle of doing something as a kid. My grandparents made a dvd recently of the all the videos they took when we were kids and most I can appreciate now, but you can tell how uncomfortable I was in some of them and I clearly remember the feeling too. If the kids are ok with it, perhaps limit it to a thank you video message as someone suggested. If they’re not there for the opening I can see why they want to see something to share the experience.

On the present front, perhaps you can suggest to them that you’re going to do the 4 gift rule to make sure the kids don’t get overwhelmed and essentially spoilt (because frankly a lot of kids can become that easily, no offence meant) - something they want, something they need, something wear and something to read. The theory is to have the limit to make sure every gift is worthwhile.

Original poster

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 29/12/2021 18:16

Don;t be that precious, controlling D-L who finds fault in loving gestures. I'm really not! I just want to get them one. For me my parents always got me one so it's a parent thing. It's find I get the advent calendar thing. They can just have 2.

And the filming we're going to do "filming a thank you" once the gifts are unwrapped next year and see how that goes.

OP posts:

Original poster

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 29/12/2021 18:18

@Smithitchi yes that's very much it. It's a matter of consent.

OP posts:

Mommabear20 · 29/12/2021 18:20

When we head out first DC we sent both sets of our parents (because a child's grandparents are usually the ones that but the most!) a list and asked them to stick to this for birthdays and Christmas, not that they have to buy 1 from every category but not exceed more than 1 from each category resulting in only 5 gifts, max!

Something to read
Something to wear
Something to eat
Something to play with
Something to use in the bath (toy or bubbles etc).

Ohyesiam · 29/12/2021 18:23

When I wanted the wife family to back off a bit with the presents, I went down the eco friendly route. So we were trying to cut down on plastic, packaging, excess stuff, using valuable resources on things we don’t really need. We emphasised we wanted to get the kids a few well chosen presents.
They were a bit baffled, because apparently the climate crisis has passed them by🙄, but once it was specked out to them, they got it.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 29/12/2021 18:26

Why can't a kid have 2 advent calendars?

Roxy69 · 29/12/2021 18:30

Never mind the calendar. Just set a monetary limit for them, tell them you have become worried about the enormous waste of excessive gifting and wrapping. Not only that it becomes a habit you don't want the youngsters to develop. Time spent with them is more inmportant than gifts.

DirtyDancing · 29/12/2021 18:31

Oh I do get this. My PIL are over the top all year round though and it's spoiling my kids. My DP has spoken to them repeatedly and they just ignore it. It's a shame, they are lovely people, they are attentive & caring Grandparents but everything is massively over the top and it's an impossible conversation in our house..

Original poster

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 29/12/2021 18:34

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Why can't a kid have 2 advent calendars?

Yes I've come to realise this. They might as well have 2

OP posts:

Mumteedum · 29/12/2021 18:35

I'm going to go against the grain here and be shouted down as a killjoy.

Consumerism is killing the planet. Kids do not need 2 or 3 advent calendars. It's not good for them or the planet. A special once a year treat is nice. They also don't need a pile of crap that gets binned or regifted.

We all need to buy less stuff all year round. Sorry.

I would just accept the calendar but say nothing and if you want to choose a different one, then you do it. I've been straight and just said my child doesn't need grandparents buying them too. He's left half of the chocolates. My grandparents didn't do this. My parents did. It's your treat to enjoy with them imo. Won't be a popular opinion though. (Hard hat on)

Original poster

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 29/12/2021 18:45

@Mumteedum see I agreed with you initially. Now I'm so confused!

OP posts:

Ace7 · 29/12/2021 18:47

I really cannot see why it matters if they get the advent calendars! YABU. In terms of videoing the opening of presents, YANBU.

kickupafuss · 29/12/2021 18:47

My DC often had more than 2 advent calendars when they were little - they loved it. They're only kids for a short time so why worry so much about a few presents from their grandparents who want to treat them. If you're so concerned about them having too much, give a little less yourself and use the money for a day out or a holiday.

KCee30 · 29/12/2021 18:49

YANBU. I have no advice as my parents and in laws are so similar. I've tried talking to them (nicely) with no luck. My kids have sen and very specific interests but family buy them things they wished or expect the kids to play with and they aren't interested!

Theunamedcat · 29/12/2021 18:52

I'm so glad filming wasn't a thing when dd was young she opened a bottle of bubble bath and proudly announced it was thrush bubbles!

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