stuck at in laws, dh refusing to go out

[moanymoan]

Just wanted a moan.

Staying with in laws. I don't drive and bus routes are not running tomorrow (boxing day). We have young children, one of whom is a breastfed baby.

Inlaws are lovely, but I'm finding it wearing being in someone else's home, not being able to eat when I like, switch off from others, leave the mess until I want to clear up, sharing a bathroom with several others etc. They do things very differently to me, like having long meals at the table, rarely having the TV on.

Dh has a big deadline, so keeps disappearing to the bedroom to work. Baby is sleeping badly, so I'm exhausted.

Prior to coming here, we isolated for 9 days as one of the relatives here is elderly. Dh works from home and I'm on mat leave so it wasn't too much hassle. But I felt very cooped up.

We have been in the house Christmas eve and boxing day. Agreed we'd take the kids to a country park on boxing day, but not go inside anywhere. But dh is now saying he doesn't want to, as it will be raining. As I don't drive, I'm literally stuck here.

I feel so stressed.

@SimpsonsXmasBoogie

I grew up with a mum from the UK with a similar selfish and irresponsible attitude to driving, and it really impacted me as a child growing up. Relying on public transport is no way to live. Believe me. When you have children you should be responsible enough to drive. Full stop. End of story.

This is hilarious. I can't tell if you're being serious or not.

You can't tell if how my comment of how having parents that didn't drive thus meaning I missed out on a lot is 'serious' or not? Are you really serious with that comment? Or just insensitive?

There seems to be an awful lot of lack of understanding about how and where other people live. If I lived in central London I wouldn't have a car.

We live rurally because we can both drive. We wouldn't have chosen to live here if we couldn't. We do have public transport, but it is limited to travelling between here and the two nearest towns. There is nothing between the villages.

Also, the "get a taxi/Uber" posters don't really get that in rural areas they are as rare as hen's teeth - see my earlier post.

But I'd rather be stupid than an insensitive, selfish and nasty person like you!
Yes derailing the whole thread to go on and on a personal rant about how those who don't drive are neglectful, selfish, irresponsible.
Wasn't insensitive or selfish in the slightest.

@Yelloi

But I'd rather be stupid than an insensitive, selfish and nasty person like you! Yes derailing the whole thread to go on and on a personal rant about how those who don't drive are neglectful, selfish, irresponsible. Wasn't insensitive or selfish in the slightest.

I posted my point of view. Born I may add, out of personal experience. People keep replying to me so I respond.

OP you need to take driving lessons in case of an emergency. What is one of your DCs was taken ill and you couldn't get hold of you DH?

Nobody needs to learn to drive. Plenty of people don’t and get by fine in life emergencies and otherwise. What a bizarre respond to the OP.

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]@Goldbar Sounds like you need less sardine-type housing.[/quote]
Bingo! That's the solution. I shall personally contact Sadiq Khan to request the compulsory resettlement of low and middle-income Londoners in less populated parts of the country. The demolition of their houses/flats should leave plenty of space for my new 'country' style mansion and fleet of expensive designer cars (two for me, one for DH, one for DC when they're old enough, one for the nanny and one for the housekeeper).

Who cares about community? That's so passe these days.

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]@Goldbar Sounds like you need less sardine-type housing.[/quote]
Yes, great suggestion! We'll just demolish and then rebuild a third of the country's housing stock and replace it with bigger housing. (Hang on, won't we need more space for that...? That's OK, we'll just drain some of the sea around us.) Right, so, plan is: drain the sea to make the country bigger today, demolish and rebuild half our housing tomorrow, then OP can take her driving lessons, pass, and buy a car the day after tomorrow, and then she should be ready to drive her kids to the country park on the 28th! Aren't you glad you posted here, OP?

Wow!

I have got to 46 years old and never driven past my unsuccessful driving lessons. I have never felt isolated and it has never held me back. I have a very good job as a teacher and I travel to wherever I need to go. My husband does drive but if he is not there or can't drive (if he has been to the football and had a drink) then I would make my own way to wherever I need to go. I do household jobs he doesn't do so things are shared out.

I don't feel my being unable to drive has ever had a bad impact on me or anyone close to me. I don't have children for medical reasons so maybe that gives me an excuse!

Honestly until reading this thread I never realised what a lazy detriment to society I really was !!!! As I have no intention of trying again to learn to drive I will continue to be my lazy good for nothing self!

This has been a real eye opener!

Jfc, I grew up in the countryside and started driving lessons the day of my 17th birthday, but I now live in a big city and honestly, having a car is more hassle than it's worth here. We have to pay to park outside our own front door, we often can't even park anywhere near our own house when we return home. There's nowhere to park near the local shops so it's easier to walk. The traffic to drive into town is so atrocious, and the parking in town so expensive, that it's way more convenient to get the bus. Some people really need to get their head out their a*es and understand that some people's lives are different from their own.

Plenty of people don’t and get by fine in life emergencies and otherwise. What a bizarre respond to the OP.

Hmm. It depends where you live. Lack of taxis and currently waiting several hours for an ambulance could be an issue.

Stop the dramatics.

Drivers Ed is absolutely NOT mandatory in the United States. There is no law that states you MUST drive. Obviously it's really hard to get around without a car and most people choose to learn--but in the US it's 1.) Super easy to drive and 2.) Doesn't require the level of expertise or skills required on the UK road test. It's super easy and inexpensive so as to not make it inaccessible to the masses. If driving in the UK was such a necessary skill, steps would be taken to make it easier and/or cheaper for people to do so.

Fwiw, I've been a qualified US driver for 30 years. Could I manage to pass the test in the UK? Nope. And I've tried. Twice.

Why can’t you take the baby out for a walk with the pram? I’d go mad cooped up.

@letmeeatcrisps

Ffs mumsnet “why don’t you drive”. I’m not OP but I don’t drive as I grew up in London and never needed to, I now live rurally and it’s a massive pain in the arse relying on DP to get milk, and having people constantly look down on us for only having one car etc “Why don’t you drive” -I hear it all the time and honestly the small minded ness is so annoying! (Obv someone hit a nerve this 3.30am)

Not trying to derail, but -

Similar to you @letmeeatcrisps, I didn't learn to drive when younger as I simply had no need to. I then moved to somewhere that getting the bus to work was an hour and a half meandering through every hole in the wall hamlet - or a fifteen-minute drive by a major A-road. I learned to drive. It took several attempts but it was absolutely worth it. If you are finding it a major pain in the arse then do something about that. Carping about other people's (possibly imagined) small-mindedness whilst sacrificing your independence by living rurally without being able to drive makes absolutely no sense to me. Take control, FFS! Learn to drive or move from your unsuitable rural location.

Is @ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs for real or just on a wind up?

Don’t you have better things to do? It’s boxing’s day! Go for a drive out or something

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Is *@ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs* for real or just on a wind up?

Don’t you have better things to do? It’s boxing’s day! Go for a drive out or something

Yes I am for real. Are you? Or just having a guilty conscience?

@letmeeatcrisps

Ffs mumsnet “why don’t you drive”. I’m not OP but I don’t drive as I grew up in London and never needed to, I now live rurally and it’s a massive pain in the arse relying on DP to get milk, and having people constantly look down on us for only having one car etc “Why don’t you drive” -I hear it all the time and honestly the small minded ness is so annoying! (Obv someone hit a nerve this 3.30am)

You could always learn now though couldn’t you, unless you have a medical condition preventing it. My Gran didn’t drive as her husband did the driving. When he died in his 60s she knew she’d struggle, so she learned to drive.

@Wiredforsound

If your DH knew he had to work he shouldn’t have dragged you to your in-laws and expected you to play the guest while he gets to clear off for three days. That’s very unfair. They’re his parents, not yours, and he should be leading the legwork with them. Can you get him to at least drop you somewhere or get his parents to drop you somewhere and pick you up a few hours later. At least then you won’t be stuck in the house.

This.

It’s not your job to deal with his parents and your two kids while he gets to do his own thing in peace and quiet.

Personally I’d say I’d lost my sense of taste and smell and needed to go home now to self Isolate. You can do a LFT when you get home but they are not very reliable.

but in the US it's 1.) Super easy to drive and 2.) Doesn't require the level of expertise or skills required on the UK road test.

I would agree with this. Even in very busy Orlando with its multiple lane roads I ws surprised at how easy it was to drive there.

All the people suggesting OP goes home, that would be incredibly rude to her inlaws who presumably have catered for the three days and are enjoying seeing their grandchildren.
I would tell your DP to stop being selfish.

Some very odd responses here.
Even if OP could drive, she'd be in the situation of having to take her young DC on her own to the country park because their DF has prioritised his work over spending time with them. I get that his work is busy and important, but not having a couple of hours to go to the park with your own DC - nah, not great on Boxing Day.

[quote TatianaBis]@C8H10N4O2

Other European countries have far better transport infrastructure than the U.K. and subsidised fares.

France, Italy Germany for example have superfast TGV lines crisscrossing the country. The U.K. has one stretch from the south coast to St Pancras, that’s it.

If attitude that strikes me as barking on here is the women who’ve never learnt to drive, with families, who find themselves totally dependent on their DH’s for getting around off piste.

A surprising number live rurally and then complain they can’t get to the shops, get their kids to school, or get to workplaces that may employ them.[/quote]
London is one of the European cities they live in which I made clear in my post.

I'm very aware of transport infrastructures and how they vary across Europe. The fact remains that for my London based DC owning a car is neither necessary nor a sensible use of money.

I know as many non driving male partners as female partners. Learning to drive is expensive, certainly not a trivial item for many families. The kind of privilege which assumes that anyone can afford the costs of driving lessons, test and a second car whenever they wish is ridiculous.

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]@C8H10N4O2 Well that is a problem with the planning that went on with those cities. Btw, both my parents were on the pension (welfare) when I learned to drive, and I was on student benefits. I still used the money for lessons. Because there was never an option of not doing it. You do it and that's that and that's it. Also you had a mark against you employment wise if you don't have your licence. Many jobs have it as a pre-requisite. Lastly, did it not occur to you that if Driver's Ed is taught, for free in schools, that it makes getting your licence cheaper? Because you don't need as many lessons?[/quote]
Presumably you have a handy tardis to take us back a couple of hundred years and redesign European cities to predict widespread use and ownership of cars in preference to public transport?

Here in the real world cities are what they are and in the UK schools struggle to buy text books let alone driving lessons and cars for students (who even if they pass, face punitive insurance costs until they are at least 25). Just at a time when they face costs of somewhere to live and student debts if they study.

What is your working definition of "able to drive"? My DH has a licence (that he got before going to uni) and hasn't driven in the 25-odd years since his test. We don't own a car; we live somewhere where public transport is reasonable and our financial situation allows for substantial taxi fares in case of emergency.

What do those of you who thinks "everyone should be able to drive" think my DH should do exactly? Our situation works for us!

Yes I am for real. Are you? Or just having a guilty conscience?

Why would anyone have a guilty conscience?

I can drive, passed my test when I was 17 and got a car when I was 22. If we go anywhere I often let DH drive as I can't be bothered, I prefer being driven, although I don't mind as much since I got my MX5. I won't drive DH's car and I also choose where I want to drive, when we're on holiday I generally leave it all to him. Do I feel guilty? Not in the slightest!

I guess I'd better address why I don't drive then!

Due to childhood trauma, I am far too anxious about being in a car. My childhood was full of traumatic car journeys - father drunk driving, father screaming at mother whilst she was driving, my mum sobbing. I feel anxious just being in a car. I'd never manage the stress of being a driver. This is out of character for me. I work in a stressful job thay requires me to make decisions in high stress situations.

We live in London, so it rarely bothers me. Dh doesn't drink alcohol so there is no need for us to take it in turns for that reason.

And as others pointed out, having a car in London can be an inconvenience. Until 2 years ago, we lived in a block of flats with no allocated parking, in an area with excellent public transport. Street parking was in short supply so having a car would have been a pain. We used zip cars when needed, which was not often.

We got a car shortly after the pandemic started, to give us the option to avoid public transport. Even if I wanted to learn, we can't afford lessons.