stuck at in laws, dh refusing to go out

[moanymoan]

Just wanted a moan.

Staying with in laws. I don't drive and bus routes are not running tomorrow (boxing day). We have young children, one of whom is a breastfed baby.

Inlaws are lovely, but I'm finding it wearing being in someone else's home, not being able to eat when I like, switch off from others, leave the mess until I want to clear up, sharing a bathroom with several others etc. They do things very differently to me, like having long meals at the table, rarely having the TV on.

Dh has a big deadline, so keeps disappearing to the bedroom to work. Baby is sleeping badly, so I'm exhausted.

Prior to coming here, we isolated for 9 days as one of the relatives here is elderly. Dh works from home and I'm on mat leave so it wasn't too much hassle. But I felt very cooped up.

We have been in the house Christmas eve and boxing day. Agreed we'd take the kids to a country park on boxing day, but not go inside anywhere. But dh is now saying he doesn't want to, as it will be raining. As I don't drive, I'm literally stuck here.

I feel so stressed.

@Dishwashersaurous

Why is he working? That's the issue.

That you have come to in laws and he is working.

So go home, so that you get your own space and do what you want.

Or he stops working and does something with his children

Completely agree with this. It’s can’t all be his way.

Completely agree with @Orchid876

I hope also that, you managed to get some decent sleep last night, and that by now your DH has changed his mind about going out. If not, I hope you manage to get out for a decent walk.

When do you guys head back home? I remember it being very stressful when my DC were little and we were staying at other people's houses, even family. Purely because it's not the same being in your own home and being able to do what you wanted, when.

Not driving is limiting. It limits your ability to live rurally or even semi-rurally. It limits work opportunities. It limits your ability to simply up and go as in this situation. It is a life skill. Not as in ‘saving your life’ but in being able to take part in some aspects of life and maintain social and other contacts easily. Not driving is isolating.

He keeps disappearing “to work” on Boxing Day? That sounds like an excuse to be on his own tbh. And him not wanting to go to a park just because it’s raining is ridiculous, unless you don’t have any waterproofs with you.
Not much you can do this year but there’s no way I’d ever do it again, unless he promises to take you all out and not hide away working.

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]@C8H10N4O2 You're talking nonsense. Even in Sydney which is a big city, it is expected you get your licence. Just as it's expected you get a job and pay taxes. Living in a big city (perhaps apart from NYC and even then they like Sydney and I would imagine London have multi-level carparks for block of flats) is no excuse not to get your licence and drive a car. What nonsense.[/quote]
Well, I live in London and large swathes of the city are not blocks of flats with underground parking but instead tightly packed period terraces with no parking (where houses are often not much wider than a car). Air pollution is a huge issue. Parking is another one...People get into brawls with their neighbours over parking. Having a car is a nuisance, having more than one car per household is downright anti-social around here. We need less cars in our city and our neighbourhood, not more, so our children can grow up safely with an acceptable air quality.

Yes @Dishwashersaurous, it's the DH working that is the issue. Having read more of the replies it's a bit perplexing that a good proportion of them choose to focus on the fact that the OP doesn't drive. I imagine that it her day to day life she doesn't need to. If you lived in London for example, it would be quite illogical to go to the expense of learning to drive when it's not necessary. I completely disagree that driving is a necessary life skill for everyone. The OP had unfortunately discovered that in this specific circumstance, where she's a bit stranded and dependent on her DH, that being able to drive would be helpful, even if OP normally has no reason to. But her DH is the problem, he shouldn't have put her in this position. The posts about driving massively out number the posts criticising her DH, which is odd. Yes it's good to be independent or self sufficient, but having partner that is thoughtful and sensitive the OPs needs isn't such a big ask. Sometimes it seems like Mumsnet defaults to men being arseholes, therefore we should expect them to behave like arseholes. We're unreasonable for expecting men to behave in a considerate manner, so the onus is on the woman to deal with their unreasonable behaviour rather than demanding better. It's not a very "feminist" view point imo.

Leaving aside the debate over driving except to say I probably wouldn't want drive to a country park for a long walk in the rain, but to each their own, my advice to the OP is to take advantage of the free even if unwilling babysitters. They invited you and that means they volunteered - do not be swayed from this view, kids need grandparent time.
Give the kids to MiL and disappear into the bedroom for a long nap (let DH find somewhere else to "work") reappearing only to eat cheese and mince pies (you need to keep your strength up for the breastfeeding).

To the patronising "why not start driving as a New Years resolution" posters, will you be giving the OP the 6-7k minimum it will cost to learn, pass, insure, and buy a (very cheap) car?

Or would you like to have a chat to me about the 2 hidden disabilities I have that mean I could either have a seizure or shit myself (maybe together 🤷🏻‍♀️) whilst driving?

Get your head out of your arses and give the OP some actual helpful advice.

OP - with the bathroom / eating stuff, is this because you've been expressly told to wait to eat - if so that's mental - or you just feel awkward going ahead and doing it? I used to feel like this at my in laws but over time I've learned they couldn't care less if I fancy a snack at 2pm, or whatever. I hope things improve soon.

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]@Nanny0gg If you can't afford to learn to drive, then you can't afford to have children (which costs far, far, far, far more than getting your licence).[/quote]
That is one of the most ridiculous comments I've ever read on here.

And that's in the face of some serious competition!

So, according to you, the main qualification for having children is a full driving licence?

Hahahahahahahaha

@Dishwashersaurous

Why is he working? That's the issue.

That you have come to in laws and he is working.

So go home, so that you get your own space and do what you want.

Or he stops working and does something with his children

^^This

Are the "go for a walk" posters not "enjoying" the utterly dismal weather that we have at the moment?
It is currently 1 degree here, grey and drizzly. We had snow last night, but it is rapidly disppearing in the drizzle.

It is soul destroyingly miserable, and the damp cold is the type that is bone chilling. Horrible, and certainly not playground weather.

Regarding the OP not driving, we don't know why she doesn't drive, but I am inclined to agree that if there is no medical or financial reason not to learn then it is one of life's very useful skills to have, especailly when there are children.

Unfortunately where we live (rural) the two biggest taxi firms in the nearest town have lost most of their drivers to Uber, who don't operate round here, so being able to drive is even more important.

I grew up with a mum from the UK with a similar selfish and irresponsible attitude to driving, and it really impacted me as a child growing up. Relying on public transport is no way to live. Believe me. When you have children you should be responsible enough to drive. Full stop. End of story.

Stupid comment, along with all the others by @ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs. I grew up with a Mum who couldn't drive and who wasn't in any way selfish or irresponsible. Rather a mother like mine than someone like you!

Develop a cough is my advice

@C8H10N4O2 Well that is a problem with the planning that went on with those cities. Btw, both my parents were on the pension (welfare) when I learned to drive, and I was on student benefits. I still used the money for lessons. Because there was never an option of not doing it. You do it and that's that and that's it. Also you had a mark against you employment wise if you don't have your licence. Many jobs have it as a pre-requisite. Lastly, did it not occur to you that if Driver's Ed is taught, for free in schools, that it makes getting your licence cheaper? Because you don't need as many lessons?

Why has your husband dragged you and DC to his parents house if he is just going to work the whole time? That would piss me off.

All of the bollocks on here about driving being a necessity 'drives' me mad. And it's totally irrelevant here anyway.

OP - go for a walk. Even in the rain, it will blow the cobwebs away and show your OH that he can't just control you and hold you captive whilst he ignores you all.

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]**@pollygartertidywife* Yes of course there are people who have disabilities such as epilepsy where it can be a something that precludes it. However since meeting my neighbour who is wheelchair bound with one very short arm - get in her adapted car every morning and drive to work - the limits to what is possible are few and far between.

Even my step son who spent his secondary education at a special school for those with the more severe diagnosis of Autism- has finally passed his test after swapping to an automatic car license.

As for the cost ? It's about priority. Most people have a laptop or 2 in the house. A couple of iPhones./IPads. Driving is a life skill forever and costs less than one of them*
👏👏👏[/quote]
It really is not completely necessary in certain parts of the UK. If you spend most of your time living in a well serviced area in terms of public transport then getting your driving licence is simply not necessary. Also the medical requirements re having a license/ maintaining a license are going to be different in the UK to elsewhere.

And all this talk of she should have a license doesn’t help the OP today does it? Because she doesn’t have one.

I grew up with a mum from the UK with a similar selfish and irresponsible attitude to driving, and it really impacted me as a child growing up. Relying on public transport is no way to live. Believe me. When you have children you should be responsible enough to drive. Full stop. End of story.

This is hilarious. I can't tell if you're being serious or not.

@Goldbar Sounds like you need less sardine-type housing.

This thread is nuts. I’m dyspraxic and I’m not safe to drive as my spatial awareness is so poor. I received a police caution for causing a serious crash and was hospitalised from my injuries. Do people here really think I should get behind the wheel again? #noteveryonecandrive

@moanymoan The real issue here is that your DH isn’t prioritising you and the children. Give him choices 1. You take the kids out for an hour together 2. You get a taxi home on your own

@Nanny0gg No it's plain common sense. I'm sorry that common sense and personal responsibility is so foreign to you.

[quote ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs]@Goldbar Sounds like you need less sardine-type housing.[/quote]
Sounds like you need to get the stick out before it gets stuck up there.

@PinkSparklyPussyCat

I grew up with a mum from the UK with a similar selfish and irresponsible attitude to driving, and it really impacted me as a child growing up. Relying on public transport is no way to live. Believe me. When you have children you should be responsible enough to drive. Full stop. End of story.

Stupid comment, along with all the others by @ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs. I grew up with a Mum who couldn't drive and who wasn't in any way selfish or irresponsible. Rather a mother like mine than someone like you!

@PinkSparklyPussyCat If resenting being unable to go anywhere and my parents not able to go to parent teacher interview and me feeling alone and different is 'stupid' to you, then I guess I am stupid. But I'd rather be stupid than an insensitive, selfish and nasty person like you!

@TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek

OP I am so sorry that you are in this position, but for now all I can say is, can you as others have suggested, take your children for a walk, and if in a town maybe find a playground, or in the country have a nice shortish walk with them? You could talk about any animals you may see, any trees without leaves, whilst maybe explaining things like why some trees lose their leaves in the Autumn, but others don't (it doesn't matter if your baby doesn't understand words yet, if they see you smiling and pointing at things, and maybe if you let them feel a crunched up dried out leaf, etc they should still enjoy themselves.). It also doesn't matter if it is raining (I don't mean torrential downpours), if you are all wrapped up warmly, and wearing waterproofs, you can still make it a fun walk. Although I would advise only a shortish walk, because if one of them becomes cold, tired, or hungry, a short walk home is much more preferable than the alternative - but I still think that even getting some fresh sir and a change of scenery for a short time can be beneficial.

Also, could you leave the Grandparents downstairs babysitting while you have a nap for a couple of hours in your bedroom? If your husband is working in the bedroom then send him packing, he can work somewhere else in the house. As for said husband, he is treating you really unfairly, so could you tell him that if he ever wants you, and/or the children, to go away overnight with him ever again, then he must not bring his work with him, but he must pull his weight in regards to equally sharing the child caring with you.

Lastly, like others have already said, tell him you are all going home today, as you feel weak and exhausted. I am sending you a big hug, my best wishes, and my prayers for you that your life gets much better, and very quickly.

Patronising or what! If a man was saying this it would be called 'Mansplaining' .

@Fizzbangwallop

This thread is nuts. I’m dyspraxic and I’m not safe to drive as my spatial awareness is so poor. I received a police caution for causing a serious crash and was hospitalised from my injuries. Do people here really think I should get behind the wheel again? #noteveryonecandrive

@moanymoan The real issue here is that your DH isn’t prioritising you and the children. Give him choices 1. You take the kids out for an hour together 2. You get a taxi home on your own

It really is wild isn’t it. I can’t drive due to medical reasons. And i shouldn’t. It would be dangerous.

We need less cars on the road not more. The UK has the potential for an incredible public transport infrastructure that would mean only the most rural areas would need cars.