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Original poster

How to tell in laws we don't want to buy gifts any more?

135 replies

HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 10:30

Hi everyone, please could you help me to draft a message for my husband's sisters, to tell them we don't want to exchange gifts this year. My reasons for this are as follows:

  • it costs us in the region of £200 for their family gifts, which we would rather spend on our own children or other things
  • we don't see them, we have seen them once in the past 12 months
  • due to this, the kids don't know who we are and we don't know what they're interested in so gifts are always really generic
  • they never send a text to say thank you for the gifts, or even to acknowledge they have been recieved

They currently buy for our kids so obviously I would also tell them that is not necessary.

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 02/10/2021 10:32

Just tell them! Or halve it, and say you’re only going to buy for the kids.

But do it fast, I’ve already got my nephews Christmas presents. Lots of people have started shopping by October to spread the cost. Changing the plan late in the day isn’t really on.

LawnFever · 02/10/2021 10:33

Get your husband to talk to them, why are you writing to his sisters who you never see/hear from?

It’s perfectly fine to stop with the gifts but it’s not your issue to deal with, he needs to tell them.

Rainydays890 · 02/10/2021 10:35

Why do you feel the need to justify it? Especially if u see them so infrequently. Just send a nice card and that’s that.

Original poster
HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 10:38

@PotteringAlong

Just tell them! Or halve it, and say you’re only going to buy for the kids.

But do it fast, I’ve already got my nephews Christmas presents. Lots of people have started shopping by October to spread the cost. Changing the plan late in the day isn’t really on.

We already only buy for the kids 😂
OP posts:
Original poster
HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 10:39

@Rainydays890

Why do you feel the need to justify it? Especially if u see them so infrequently. Just send a nice card and that’s that.
I think because they will send us gifts so if I don't let them know, I would feel guilty if we just send a card and they give our kids presents.
OP posts:
orangejuicer · 02/10/2021 10:40

Just tell them. It really is that easy.

MintJulia · 02/10/2021 10:43

I can understand why you want to spend less but not buying anything for your nephews and nieces is a bit like saying you don't want to have anything to do with them any more.

Perhaps you could suggest an upper limit instead. £10 Amazon or Waterstones voucher each that they can put towards something else?

You may not see them much at the moment, but family is important, especially as you get older - IMO.

Floralnomad · 02/10/2021 10:44

I can’t see the issue , just call and tell them you are only buying gifts for your children from this year so you obviously don’t expect them to buy for yours and you hope that they have a happy Christmas .

SquareWindow · 02/10/2021 10:46

We have a family member that expects the adults to still receive high value presents when they kids get presents and other single adults get low value ones. They don’t get that if they want people to buy for their kids they won’t get big presents.

Tell them no presents this year, but not in the way my MIL says it, when she clearly wants presents! But do it quick as I’m halfway through my Christmas shopping this year.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/10/2021 10:48

It's DH's sisters, he can talk to them.
But really, £200? How many children are there? It might be better for the sake of family unity/ Christmas spirit etc to keep on sending the presents, but agree a limit of say £10 or £20 per child. Then they can have a voucher or something as they get older, which they will like. You might not see them much now, but it has been Covid times, things might change. We started seeing more of nieces and nephews as they got older and were able to come and visit more easily and even independently.
Rather than making yourself look like a miser, maybe you could encourage DH to be more in contact with his family? Unless of course there is a good reason why they don't see each other.

Original poster
HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 10:49

I can understand why you want to spend less but not buying anything for your nephews and nieces is a bit like saying you don't want to have anything to do with them any more.
We don't have anything to do with them anyway, we literally see them once or twice a year and they have no idea who we are. When I took the youngest nephews birthday present over he said "who are you?"

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 02/10/2021 10:52

I think its abit mean surely you can lower the amount spend on them. We have 5 nieces and nephews to buy for will be 6 next year. We put a limit of 15pounds as we have 3 dc of our own.

Original poster
HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 10:52

But really, £200? How many children are there?
Seven, we spend around £25-30 per child

There isn't really a reason why they're not in touch they're just not very close. The sisters are quite a few years older than DH so they aren't the closest. We have tried suggesting days out or playdates for the kids but they're always too busy or just don't respond. It was the same before covid.

OP posts:
Original poster
HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 10:53

Yes we could reduce it to £10 per child so at least we are sending them something, that's probably a good compromise.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 02/10/2021 10:53

Why don't you have a relationship with them does your dh speak to his sisters do they live away?

OurMamInHavianas · 02/10/2021 10:57

Could you suggest that you each buy for your kids on behalf of each other? Then you can buy what you were getting anyway for your kids - so no extra cost - and just put a label on it saying it was from their Aunt & Uncle.

Tillysfad · 02/10/2021 10:58

It would be relationship ending to announce you're not doing gift. There's a difference between an estrangement, bad feeling and not being close.

westcountryboy · 02/10/2021 11:00

Why not suggest, as Christmas is so expensive for everyone, to just do gifts on birthdays.

You could suggest getting together for a meal or day out instead, knowing they probably won't bother with that.

Original poster
HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 11:01

@Bananarama21

Why don't you have a relationship with them does your dh speak to his sisters do they live away?
They speak by text or phone sometimes but they just don't seem that interested or are really busy. We have suggested a family camping trips, there were no days they could come. We suggested a day out at the zoo, they didn't have the money for it. We have asked if they fancy meeting up for a walk or playmate and they just don't respond. Its always us doing the asking and DH has sort of got fed up of asking as they never make any effort. One is worse than the other, the other we have seen about 3 or 4 times this year which is a bit more reasonable.
OP posts:
MoreThanAnOffDay · 02/10/2021 11:01

I just sent a message to everyone when I stopped. A quick.
Hi hope you're all well. Thinking ahead about Xmas. We've decided to no longer purchase for extended family and concentrate on our own dcs. I'm sure you all understand. Hopefully see you soon /catch up soon or whatever

Everyone was like yes sounds good. Its made it so much easier.
We only. Buy for parents. And 1 neice and nephew because they have no other family on the dad's side and we see them all the time.

Original poster
HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 11:02

You could suggest getting together for a meal or day out instead, knowing they probably won't bother with that.
Yes DH has suggested this too which I think would be a good idea. We don't live that far apart so we could suggest a meal out somewhere in the middle.

OP posts:
MoreThanAnOffDay · 02/10/2021 11:03

We also just do a card for birthdays too.
Chances are they'd be relieved and less expense their end too.

SquirrelFan · 02/10/2021 11:03

What about a magazine subscription for each family (depending on how many families)? I think Aquila is £60 and The Week Jr is £50. They'll get a reminder of who you are each month/week, it'll be about £100-£120, and reduces your postage bill...

girlmom21 · 02/10/2021 11:04

Send a group message...

"Hi all,

Money is a bit tight for us this year so we're only buying presents for mom and dad/not buying presents for anyone outside of our household.

Please don't feel like you need to buy any gifts for us/DCs.

Hopefully will see you all soon x"

FluffyTeddyBear · 02/10/2021 11:08

Just say in the interest of being more ecological, you are cutting down on gifts this year and only buying for your own children.

I did it many years ago.