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Original poster

How to tell in laws we don't want to buy gifts any more?

135 replies

HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 10:30

Hi everyone, please could you help me to draft a message for my husband's sisters, to tell them we don't want to exchange gifts this year. My reasons for this are as follows:

  • it costs us in the region of £200 for their family gifts, which we would rather spend on our own children or other things
  • we don't see them, we have seen them once in the past 12 months
  • due to this, the kids don't know who we are and we don't know what they're interested in so gifts are always really generic
  • they never send a text to say thank you for the gifts, or even to acknowledge they have been recieved

They currently buy for our kids so obviously I would also tell them that is not necessary.

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Morred · 02/10/2021 18:12

@HungryHippo11

And I’mShockthat they don’t acknowledge your gifts, not even a text?

Not even a text. I don't expect a big to do or even a card. I'll usually just send a photo of the child playing with it and a "thanks for the X, child really likes it because..."

To be fair, sometimes they will do a thank you on the group chat on Christmas day like a "thanks everyone for the gifts" but it would be nice to get an individual thanks or at least to know that the gifts got there!

Tell them you’ve stopped sending them in the post as they must have gone missing the last few years (as you never heard from them with a thank you) and you’ll treat them all to something nice next time you see them.

Pass-agg and probably relationship destroying but so tempting!

IM0GEN · 02/10/2021 18:29

@LawnFever

Get your husband to talk to them, why are you writing to his sisters who you never see/hear from?

It’s perfectly fine to stop with the gifts but it’s not your issue to deal with, he needs to tell them.

This.
Andylion · 02/10/2021 18:36

@FinallyHere

Good luck with that.

I had a go at suggesting we just buy for each other's DC to be told "but I like getting presents". Sigh.

I tried to cut back on exchanging presents with friends a few years ago. Two friends we're fine it. One said, "Well, I'm still going g you presents so...."

I want try again, and if she says the same thing I will say " Will you really keep buying presents for me, knowing that I am not buying for you, and that it might make me feel bad?"

It's not as easy as some posters seem to think.

FlowerArranger · 02/10/2021 19:01

@Indoctro

Just tell them you are trying to be more environmentally friendly and cutting back on stuff for the kids and you don't want to do Xmas gifts anymore and it saves you all money.
This. And maybe add that you have chosen to give the money to XYZ charity instead.

Honestly, what’s the point in giving dozens of low value gifts to all and sundry. Most people neither want nor need them. Such a waste.

Magentacrayon · 03/10/2021 07:23

One family member suggested this as soon as they had a child saying please don’t buy for us - we wouldn’t buy for you once numbers go up. Good idea.
Another family member suggested we stopped buying after we had one child but had bought something for their fairly grown up kids every year. I found that a bit annoying tbh.

Namechangedforspooky · 03/10/2021 07:27

We have a big family with lots of kids and changed a couple of years ago to only buying on their birthdays. Maybe that could work?
You may have missed the boat fir this year. I’ve started Christmas shopping and lots of other people have told me that they have too

TwinsandTrifle · 03/10/2021 08:56

Is this one of those "we've got to buy for 7 kids, but we've only receive for our 2" which I always find a bit mean, as it's really saying "we spend £200 but only get £50 back, and I don't like it, I could spend that on us as well". It's not their fault they've got more siblings than your child has, and it's Christmas.

Is it possible to do a "family" gift? Board game, some bags of popcorn, and sweets, some sort of games night hamper?

Do you send thank you messages from each of your DC? It seems odd that they wouldn't respond directly to a thank you message with one of theirs at least once?

Benjispruce4 · 03/10/2021 09:01

I’d reduce the spend to a £10 gift card each. £25-£30 for children you barely see or know is a bit much.

Onlinedilema · 03/10/2021 09:02

Just text them saying you won't be buying Christmas presents for anyone else from now on.
As for the meet ups it's obvious they aren't bothered so just let it go.

Iloveabourbon2 · 03/10/2021 09:08

@TwinsandTrifle

Is this one of those "we've got to buy for 7 kids, but we've only receive for our 2" which I always find a bit mean, as it's really saying "we spend £200 but only get £50 back, and I don't like it, I could spend that on us as well". It's not their fault they've got more siblings than your child has, and it's Christmas.

Is it possible to do a "family" gift? Board game, some bags of popcorn, and sweets, some sort of games night hamper?

Do you send thank you messages from each of your DC? It seems odd that they wouldn't respond directly to a thank you message with one of theirs at least once?

I don't think it's mean tbh unless your rolling in money. If you have a lot of kids some people simply may not have the funds to buy all your kids.
Werehamster · 03/10/2021 09:11

And maybe add that you have chosen to give the money to XYZ charity instead.

See, I think that's pretty shitty to say that you won't be buying Christmas presents for their kids anymore but will give the money to charity instead.

I actually think the text the OP planned on sending is fine, but personally I don't think the 10 pound gift is necessary.

Werehamster · 03/10/2021 09:12

Sorry, I mean the 5 pound token gift is unnecessary, I think.

Original poster
HungryHippo11 · 03/10/2021 09:13

@TwinsandTrifle

Is this one of those "we've got to buy for 7 kids, but we've only receive for our 2" which I always find a bit mean, as it's really saying "we spend £200 but only get £50 back, and I don't like it, I could spend that on us as well". It's not their fault they've got more siblings than your child has, and it's Christmas.

Is it possible to do a "family" gift? Board game, some bags of popcorn, and sweets, some sort of games night hamper?

Do you send thank you messages from each of your DC? It seems odd that they wouldn't respond directly to a thank you message with one of theirs at least once?

I wouldn't mind buying the gifts if I thought they were getting some use out of them, but as far as I know they never even arrived. I send a text or WhatsApp message with a photo of them playing with the toy. And sometimes if they are playing with it again during the year I might send a "X Played with the train set all day today! Thanks again :)" that sort of thing. No they don't respond. To be fair , sometimes they send a group text saying "thanks for all the Christmas presents".
OP posts:
TwinsandTrifle · 03/10/2021 17:07

Its pretty much guaranteed they arrived, I don't think it's unheard of that you don't get personally thanked for presents...it's only on MN that you see this "oh my DC spend hours on handmade thank you cards for every present they receive." In the real world, they aren't sending cards or writing letters, neither are yours. You send a text saying thank you. They send a text to the group chat saying thank you to everyone. You're doing the same.

So if you don't mind buying them if they are getting some use out of them, how do you know what to buy? I get that you'd rather not waste the money on something that will just get out to one side. Is there any correspondence beforehand? "Suzy is really in to Peppa Pig" etc, or are you buying blind?

Original poster
HungryHippo11 · 03/10/2021 17:35

So if you don't mind buying them if they are getting some use out of them, how do you know what to buy? I get that you'd rather not waste the money on something that will just get out to one side. Is there any correspondence beforehand? "Suzy is really in to Peppa Pig" etc, or are you buying blind?
@TwinsandTrifle I always ask and they just say "oh he/she likes everything"

OP posts:
JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 03/10/2021 17:46

I wouldn't even bother with the £5 token gift. If it's not food then it'll end up in landfill pretty fast.

Original poster
HungryHippo11 · 03/10/2021 18:20

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

I wouldn't even bother with the £5 token gift. If it's not food then it'll end up in landfill pretty fast.
Oh yes I would definitely buy something consumable, I'm trying to cut down on landfill stocking fillers
OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 05/10/2021 11:35

I tried secret santa, that was abysmal. The quslity of presents were poor, probably because they thought we d never discover who bought them! We also tried the £5 token gifts, they ended up never being collected (probably not worth their while/time/fuel). So we stopped all presents for the kids outside of our immediate family.

batmanladybird · 05/10/2021 19:51

F Smile

StrangerYears · 13/11/2021 06:22

Go for it- but do it sooner rather than later.

I did this a few years back
"It is stressful buying presents for everyone, so have decided this year, we should just buy for our own family. And it reduces the amount of panic around shopping'

My sister was pissed off and was not impressed, but after that first year, it has never been mentioned again and we have a lot fewer unwanted gifts!

Yusanaim · 13/11/2021 06:34

Can't they each have a voucher for WHsmith or something, and a higher amount for the oldest.
But warn them that is what you are doing. Adults can have voucher for M&S,. It mounts up but at east it should be something they want.

Gliderx · 13/11/2021 07:03

Can't you just do a £20 Amazon or other voucher per child? Or why don't you just ask them what their kids would like (and tell them what yours would like)?

Lollolloll · 13/11/2021 07:06

My sil texted a couple of years ago and said they would just be buying Christmas presents for our dc and not birthday.

We see them about once a year, but at quite close when we see them. I was fine with it, it saved hassle buying stuff.

Last year she said they weren’t doing Christmas presents either, I’m not sure if it’s to do with lockdown or if it’s an ongoing thing.

I’d be happy to just do Christmas presents for the dc but just stuck to a £10 voucher each or similar. But I’m fine if they don’t want to bother at all, it makes my life easier!

olympicsrock · 13/11/2021 07:17

This is what selection boxes are for. A small cheerful consumable gesture of good will that everyone likes

Couchbettato · 13/11/2021 08:00

I have straight up just said I'm not getting any richer, and I don't think any one else is in the family either, so let's buy for the kids (4 in total in our family) and as adults let's just agree not to get each other any thing.

If we insist on getting something it must be something Poundland or equal value and something small just to say "I saw this and thought of you".

It's worked for the past few years. Might get the odd candle or diffuser if my mum sees one that I've been looking for for a while but there's no obligation between adults to gift.

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