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Original poster

How to tell in laws we don't want to buy gifts any more?

135 replies

HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 10:30

Hi everyone, please could you help me to draft a message for my husband's sisters, to tell them we don't want to exchange gifts this year. My reasons for this are as follows:

  • it costs us in the region of £200 for their family gifts, which we would rather spend on our own children or other things
  • we don't see them, we have seen them once in the past 12 months
  • due to this, the kids don't know who we are and we don't know what they're interested in so gifts are always really generic
  • they never send a text to say thank you for the gifts, or even to acknowledge they have been recieved

They currently buy for our kids so obviously I would also tell them that is not necessary.

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 02/10/2021 13:51

I think the meal idea is good, if they can’t or don’t want to come that’s fine, you can go out with your DC or save the money for their Christmas. If they say money is an issue, all the more reason to stop doing gifts.

Iloveabourbon2 · 02/10/2021 14:08

@LawnFever

Get your husband to talk to them, why are you writing to his sisters who you never see/hear from?

It’s perfectly fine to stop with the gifts but it’s not your issue to deal with, he needs to tell them.

I'm with you.
Autumngoldleaf · 02/10/2021 14:08

Op you will start nuclear fallout if you write long letter and and list reasons.

Just say, guys due to a few things I hope you don't mind but this year and probably from now on we will be simply flying Xmas and bunging some money in a card and of course we totally understand if also change your arrangements.

Tellmesomethinggirl · 02/10/2021 14:13

The meal voucher is a great idea! It will help the hospitality sector after the pandemic too!

ivykaty44 · 02/10/2021 14:14

yes, do this fast. I was told one xmas the we weren't doing present and id already brought the dam things - still gave them but obviously didn't the following year

it was a relief for me as its so hard to buy for

we do secret Santa with one lot as this makes it much easier and a £12 limit with other family - enough to get something thoughtful

Werehamster · 02/10/2021 14:37

I don't really get why so many people are offering alternatives. If you don't want to do presents anymore, it's absolutely fine not to do presents. It sounds like you barely see them. Spend the money you save on getting your kids stuff they really want rather than just buying cheaper versions of things they probably don't want or don't need. It's so wasteful.

Beautiful3 · 02/10/2021 14:39

We did the exact same thing around 5 years ago, best thing I ever did. We sent out a mass message saying, "Unfortunately for financial reasons we will only be buying Christmas gifts for our children, so please don't buy any for us and the children. Love to you all x " Best thing we ever did. We saved so much money and we could afford better presents for the children.

Verbena87 · 02/10/2021 14:42

Along the lines of “hi, we’re a bit hard up this year - could we have a Christmas present truce or do a £10 secret Santa for the kids rather than our usual gift exchange?”

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 02/10/2021 14:58

Why lie about being hard up? Tbh I'd hate to say that for my family to think k was skint when o wasn't.

It's perfectly fine to not buy presents

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/10/2021 15:09

Just do token gifts of a book or a selection pack, there’s no way I would be soending that much for one family.

SarahBellam · 02/10/2021 15:16

Just say, "Hi, we've been thinking a lot about Christmas presents and from now on we're not going to buy gifts beyond our own parents and children. It's better for our pockets, it's better the environment, and it's better for our stress levels! Instead of swapping presents do you fancy meeting up for a meal around Christmas?"

Labracadabradoodle · 02/10/2021 15:23

I think the £10 limit is a great idea, or perhaps suggest a Christmas family get together instead, where everyone contributes towards a takeaway/meal out instead.
If you put it across as a nice way to make up for lost time and more in the Christmas spirit than a generic gift, it might persuade them to find time.

zukiecat · 02/10/2021 15:28

I stopped doing gifts for my niece and nephew years ago.

I have two DC, and so does my brother, we mutually agreed to stop sending gifts, now we just send cards.

No-one was upset or offended.

Squirrelblanket · 02/10/2021 15:35

It's not that weird to have family members that you don't see much, surely? Confused

I think keep it simple. I like @SarahBellam suggestion, except I'd delete the middle sentence about it being 'better for..' etc.

Wallywobbles · 02/10/2021 15:40

We do £20 gift lists.

Cruiser11 · 02/10/2021 15:42

About 20 years ago I stopped all present buying except for my DC, my DH and our parents. My DH and I sent a message saying just to let you know that from now on we aren’t buying presents for anyone other than our immediate family. It was fine doing this, but you need to do it ASAP, we sent the message in August when no one was thinking about Christmas or had started their shopping.

FallingStar21 · 02/10/2021 15:43

From your updates it's very clear they can't be bothered to see their brother and his family at all. Sometimes they can't even be bothered to respond to a text. And you are always the ones doing the asking.. so insulting

On that basis, I wouldn't go out buying anything, not even at £10 per child (which is £70 in total and still not a small amount) for children who don't really know you and whom you barely see.

I'd be tempted to send a short text saying,
"We've decided we won't be doing xmas gifts for extended family this year/any longer, so no need for you to send anything either. Given you are always too busy to see us, it would be a meaningless gesture anyway".

But as others have said, leave your DH to deal with his own sisters.

rookiemere · 02/10/2021 15:43

Email now and suggest cutting back to £10 per child only. Don't buy a family gift or restaurant voucher, that will appear odd and misplaced. For the older DCs I'd just push cash or a gift card in an envelope.

Libertaire · 02/10/2021 15:55

It’s bizarre that so many people are replying with variations of ‘keep buying stuff for them’. This is where the constant pressure for ever more stupid, pointless and wasteful consumerism at Christmas comes from.

OP, this message should come from your husband. They are his family. Agree on a line which sounds reasonable & credible, eg don’t claim to be hard up if you’re not, or cite environmental reasons if you drive a big SUV, then just send a brief message ending the Christmas madness. It will be a huge relief.

wanderwalks · 02/10/2021 16:00

We just stopped. There were no cross words, they just stopped too.. Still see each other as frequently (infrequently) as we did before. Our money now goes on our children. Job done.

Original poster
HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 16:51

@Autumngoldleaf

Op you will start nuclear fallout if you write long letter and and list reasons.

Just say, guys due to a few things I hope you don't mind but this year and probably from now on we will be simply flying Xmas and bunging some money in a card and of course we totally understand if also change your arrangements.

Oh I wasn't planning to tell them my reasons, just putting them on here for context to ask for how to tell them we don't want to buy any more.

DH is going to message and suggest that we just get a token £5 gift which will be something consumable, and tell them not to get anything for our kids.

OP posts:
TheDuchessOfMN · 02/10/2021 17:28

Just do it! We stopped exchanging gifts with my in-laws (kids) years ago. If I was seeing them at Christmas, I might give presents. Otherwise, absolutely no way.
I wish one of my siblings would suggest this too .

And I’m Shock that they don’t acknowledge your gifts, not even a text?

Original poster
HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 17:44

And I’mShockthat they don’t acknowledge your gifts, not even a text?

Not even a text. I don't expect a big to do or even a card. I'll usually just send a photo of the child playing with it and a "thanks for the X, child really likes it because..."

To be fair, sometimes they will do a thank you on the group chat on Christmas day like a "thanks everyone for the gifts" but it would be nice to get an individual thanks or at least to know that the gifts got there!

OP posts:
Chickpea22 · 02/10/2021 17:50

Cousins secret Santa here with the in laws. I politely asked if anyone thought it was a good idea and everyone was on board. At least they said they were Grin.

Indoctro · 02/10/2021 18:04

Just tell them you are trying to be more environmentally friendly and cutting back on stuff for the kids and you don't want to do Xmas gifts anymore and it saves you all money.