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Original poster

How to tell in laws we don't want to buy gifts any more?

135 replies

HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 10:30

Hi everyone, please could you help me to draft a message for my husband's sisters, to tell them we don't want to exchange gifts this year. My reasons for this are as follows:

  • it costs us in the region of £200 for their family gifts, which we would rather spend on our own children or other things
  • we don't see them, we have seen them once in the past 12 months
  • due to this, the kids don't know who we are and we don't know what they're interested in so gifts are always really generic
  • they never send a text to say thank you for the gifts, or even to acknowledge they have been recieved

They currently buy for our kids so obviously I would also tell them that is not necessary.

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
FlipFlops4Me · 13/11/2021 08:13

@MintJulia

I can understand why you want to spend less but not buying anything for your nephews and nieces is a bit like saying you don't want to have anything to do with them any more.

Perhaps you could suggest an upper limit instead. £10 Amazon or Waterstones voucher each that they can put towards something else?

You may not see them much at the moment, but family is important, especially as you get older - IMO.

Why do you equate gifts with love and a desire to be involved? It's only stuff - it's not important and a generic gift really doesn't show that you care about someone.
FlipFlops4Me · 13/11/2021 08:22

Joshua Becker, a minimalist I follow has suggested that this year good gifts could be home made vouchers that friends and family can redeem for a fresh home made cake or pie - things like that. My dil does brilliant manicures - there's gifts right there!

I can imagine my DSis would love a voucher for a few hours housework, my DH would be very grateful for any cakes offered and I'd be so very grateful if someone would come round, use my food and make us dinner. My DH is too disabled to do anything much, and I'd love a home made meal cooked for me (not takeaway which isn't the same at all).

LethargicActress · 13/11/2021 08:25

It’s too late in the year to try and change the established plan of gift giving. Most people will have started Christmas shopping by now, and it’s not fair to try and change things after it has already started. If you want to change things for next year, which it sounds like you should, then you need to say it earlier than almost the middle of November!

JSL52 · 13/11/2021 08:33

@Tillysfad

It would be relationship ending to announce you're not doing gift. There's a difference between an estrangement, bad feeling and not being close.
No it wouldn't. I know lots of people who have done this.
Mybalconyiscracking · 13/11/2021 08:41

We buy perfectly good gifts at £20 per family ish.
It’s fun!

Hoppinggreen · 13/11/2021 08:43

@HungryHippo11

Yes we could reduce it to £10 per child so at least we are sending them something, that's probably a good compromise.
I was going to suggest this
50ShadesOfCatholic · 13/11/2021 08:53

Totally support this. Everyone has too much stuff as it is.

What about paying for a family zoo trip (seeing as they can't afford it) or similar? In that way, you're still being generous, thoughtful and you might get to know them a bit better. Possibly?

CoraPirbright · 13/11/2021 08:56

How about a sort of secret Santa arrangement? We do this in our extended family after it grew so big that even £10 per person was getting ridiculous (and really, what is truly lovely that is only a tenner and not a waste of time, space and resources?). It’s not actually all that secret and the receiver can make a few suggestions (within a budget) for the giver so we always know it’s going to be something they actually want but I think it works really well.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 13/11/2021 09:00

@Bananarama21

I think its abit mean surely you can lower the amount spend on them. We have 5 nieces and nephews to buy for will be 6 next year. We put a limit of 15pounds as we have 3 dc of our own.
No it isn't mean. Children do not need or appreciate a zillion presents, and god knows the practice is killing off our planet at the rate of knots.

This whole materialistic madness is a terrible practice. There are so many better ways to show love.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 13/11/2021 09:06

Send a family box of chocolates or biscuits

Whatwouldnanado · 13/11/2021 09:17

I'd've stopped the first year I didn't get a thank you. They're clearly not interested.

boreon · 13/11/2021 09:19

Just tell them, or get DH to tell them. My OH has just done the same with his family, a text to say let's stop passing money around and they've agreed!

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 13/11/2021 09:44

@LethargicActress

It’s too late in the year to try and change the established plan of gift giving. Most people will have started Christmas shopping by now, and it’s not fair to try and change things after it has already started. If you want to change things for next year, which it sounds like you should, then you need to say it earlier than almost the middle of November!
This - talk to them about next Christmas by June of next year (to be on the safe side). I've bought most of my presents already as I like to spread the cost and don't function well if I'm rushing.
NoDecentHandlesLeft · 13/11/2021 09:54

They may have brought this year already so I wouldn't change anything this year. Bet then tell them after Christmas this was the last time.

user1487194234 · 13/11/2021 10:04

I think it's too late for this year
But for the future get your DH to tell them
I leave all presents etc for DH family to him

Starcaller · 13/11/2021 10:07

@LethargicActress

It’s too late in the year to try and change the established plan of gift giving. Most people will have started Christmas shopping by now, and it’s not fair to try and change things after it has already started. If you want to change things for next year, which it sounds like you should, then you need to say it earlier than almost the middle of November!
This thread is from six weeks ago!
Disfordarkchocolate · 13/11/2021 10:26

Just state what is happening as a fact, no need for an explanation.

So, something like 'we've decided to only buy presents for MIL and PIL this year and not wider family. Letting you know now so you can plan'

SleepyHeadWithMessyHair · 13/11/2021 10:33

Just curious, how did it go?

Redwinestillfine · 13/11/2021 10:53

Only issue is it's already halfway through November in a year some people are pani ING about supply issues. You may find they have already done their shopping. Just shop smart. Easy to spend less than £10 on gifts that have been reduced/ look more expensive. Maybe this Christmas say you want to do an activity in lieu of gifts next year?

MyAnacondaMight · 13/11/2021 11:07

What about paying for a family zoo trip (seeing as they can't afford it) or similar?

This is a great idea. My local zoo is £25 adults and £20 children, so might cost you a little more than you usually spend (as you’d need to buy the adult tickets too), but you could ask to join them when they go…

Helpstopthepain · 13/11/2021 11:23

I’ve already got Christmas presents so this year might be too late!
I do £10 per person.

hopeso · 13/11/2021 12:53

This happened with my SIL. Two days before Christmas, she texted me to say they were only getting my PIL presents that year. I texted back to say I'd already bought the presents. She didn't respond. I said I guess I'll have to return them, she didn't respond. It was a 'mare every year anyway, they obvs couldn't be bothered, presents were crap. (MIL gets the same present every birthday and Christmas.) They don't keep in touch, barely see PILs who live round the corner, and are not bothering with PILs this Christmas same as they didn't bother the year before Covid. SIL is just not that close to her brothers, her goddaughter or anyone on her side of the family. It's a relief not to do presents. Just send a text saying we are not doing Christmas presents this year and leave it at that.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 13/11/2021 15:27

Switch to family gifts? So buy each sister and her family one thing that is for everyone - like a board game or a large box of chocolates.

JanetheObscure · 13/11/2021 16:48

If your in-laws aren't able to afford a family day at the zoo, then they might be delighted not to buy presents in future. But it's up to your DH to speak to them.

Just a general thought about the "we're not buying presents any more, so don't buy for us" texts. Be careful. Some people don't take very kindly to them, I believe -know from experience-. That's because it's (apparently) a unilateral decision about something that was previously a mutual custom. Everyone knows their own families, but some people are batty about Christmas Smile.

Chippymunks · 13/11/2021 17:01

I’d probably leave it for this year and then next August send a text saying ‘just to let you know we will only be buying presents for our own DC this year’. That’s what my DH and I did about 23 years ago, it worked really well as no one is bothered about Christmas in August.

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