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Christmas

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Original poster

How to tell in laws we don't want to buy gifts any more?

135 replies

HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 10:30

Hi everyone, please could you help me to draft a message for my husband's sisters, to tell them we don't want to exchange gifts this year. My reasons for this are as follows:

  • it costs us in the region of £200 for their family gifts, which we would rather spend on our own children or other things
  • we don't see them, we have seen them once in the past 12 months
  • due to this, the kids don't know who we are and we don't know what they're interested in so gifts are always really generic
  • they never send a text to say thank you for the gifts, or even to acknowledge they have been recieved

They currently buy for our kids so obviously I would also tell them that is not necessary.

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Original poster
HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 11:09

@SquirrelFan

What about a magazine subscription for each family (depending on how many families)? I think Aquila is £60 and The Week Jr is £50. They'll get a reminder of who you are each month/week, it'll be about £100-£120, and reduces your postage bill...
Thanks for the suggestion :) I think some of the kids would be too small to benefit from it, the youngest niece is only 2, but it would be an idea for the future
OP posts:
FinallyHere · 02/10/2021 11:15

Good luck with that.

I had a go at suggesting we just buy for each other's DC to be told "but I like getting presents". Sigh.

girlmom21 · 02/10/2021 11:16

@FinallyHere

Good luck with that.

I had a go at suggesting we just buy for each other's DC to be told "but I like getting presents". Sigh.

That doesn't mean you need to keep buying them presents. Stand your ground!
snowblack · 02/10/2021 11:17

I would stop. You don’t even get a thank you note.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 02/10/2021 11:18

Hi in-laws
Thinking about Xmas and we've decided to do a family present from now on .... was thinking along the lines of a board game and some treats.
As children are getting to the point were they have everything they need , we thought this would be more suitable for us all and also take the stress of shopping Dow at a busy time.
Hope everyone is ok with this idea.
We look forward to selecting something we hoe you will all enjoy!
See yo soon

FinallyHere · 02/10/2021 11:19

Stand your ground

@girlmom21 😁

beautifullymad · 02/10/2021 11:23

We buy for our own from the in-laws. They send a card and ask what we've bought.
We do this in reverse too so I send a card and ask what I've given.

His way there are no exchanging presents, no mention of exact costs.
My children end up with things they will use and enjoy and vice versa. It works without anyone feeling left out.

And if you are tight on money you spend less or grab an early bargain in September to give at Christmas from aunty 'X'. Much less hassle and no lost in the post gifts.

Original poster
HungryHippo11 · 02/10/2021 11:24

Thinking about Xmas and we've decided to do a family present from now on .... was thinking along the lines of a board game and some treats
The only issue with this is that one family has a very wide range of ages of the kids (4, 7, 12 and 18) so finding a board game which they would all enjoy might be tricky 😂

OP posts:
romdowa · 02/10/2021 11:24

Just say it out straight , that you aren't buying for extended family this year and would appreciate If people didn't buy for your dc either.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 02/10/2021 11:27

Plenty of games suit all ages.

Tellmesomethinggirl · 02/10/2021 11:28

Don't say you have decided to stop buying presents for nieces and nephews to focus on your own kids! That sounds a bit off! Tell them that for many reasons; environmental, financial, state of post, clutter etc, you have decided to cut down on the number of gifts you are buying across the board this year and you hope they understand. Many people are cutting back post-pandemic so hopefully they will get it. You are not asking for permission as such, you are stating your intent.

It should be your husband sorting this but I personally wouldn't leave it to him. (Men have a way of leaving things too late and then fudging it.) I would send an email to everyone and where I didn't receive an individual response, I would follow up with a phone call.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 02/10/2021 11:30

I don't know why people are trying to go against what you actually want to do which is to stop buying presents.
That's a good thing imo...reduce waste and help the environment :) just because they are technically family that doesn't chain us into a lifetime of present buying.

Just send a breezy message saying "hope you are all well. This year we've made the decision not to send presents and so will not be expecting anything for our kids either. Hope all is well with (kids, PIL, work etc")

Or something like that.

2pinkginsplease · 02/10/2021 11:33

@beautifullymad

We buy for our own from the in-laws. They send a card and ask what we've bought. We do this in reverse too so I send a card and ask what I've given.

His way there are no exchanging presents, no mention of exact costs.
My children end up with things they will use and enjoy and vice versa. It works without anyone feeling left out.

And if you are tight on money you spend less or grab an early bargain in September to give at Christmas from aunty 'X'. Much less hassle and no lost in the post gifts.

That is just bizarre!

Rather than buy no gifts we cut the budget per child. From £30 to £15. Makes life much easier.

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 02/10/2021 11:41

Just be bold and say it. You might find they are as relieved as you not to have to buy gifts. You might find they are annoyed. Either way, their reaction isn't your responsibility.

"Hi SIL/whoever, money is a bit tight for us this year and we are also trying to reduce our environmental impact. We all have so much "stuff" already. Please can we agree to not exchange Christmas presents?"
Or suggest donating to charity instead of a gift as a compromise.

You don't need to justify or explain further but if anyone argues back just send them this link: .

Peanutsandchilli · 02/10/2021 11:42

Honestly, I'd arrange to buy token gifts for the kids. Say £5 on some nice sweets or smellies or whatever. That way, the kids that are old enough will know that you always cared enough to buy something. It's not the kids' fault that you don't see them regularly.

Erictheavocado · 02/10/2021 11:47

I have a family member that we don't see often but we have a good relationship and are in touch regularly. We acknowledge Christmas by sending something for the whole family - board games, voucher for a family paintballing day near them or a chocolate hamper (not a generic one, we chose individual items from a particular company and had it sent as a hamper.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 02/10/2021 11:58

If they’ve said they can’t do the zoo as they don’t have the money, they might be quite happy for no presents to be suggested..,

There’s no perfect way, just message and say that as everyone is finding it tight this year, you’re going to do cards only etc, hope you’re all well.

Notaroadrunner · 02/10/2021 12:02

Just get Dh to tell them. All he needs to text is "we are not exchanging gifts for Christmas this year, therefore no need to buy for us/our dc". He doesn't need to explain further.

Daisy829 · 02/10/2021 12:04

I think it’s fine to stop buying for them but if you aren’t comfortable with that then token gifts are fine. You can easily get something for £5/10 each. There’s loads of offers about. Have a look on the Christmas bargains thread for ideas

Werehamster · 02/10/2021 12:11

I would just tell them as soon as possible. They will probably be ok with it. We stopped exchanging gifts with my in-laws years ago. We're also not close and it was wasteful buying gifts for each other's kids when we have no idea what anyone likes.

OnTheHillNotOverIt · 02/10/2021 12:14

Do it. Don’t buy expensive crap for people you don’t know. Think about it being made in China and shipped all the way here to clutter up each other’s houses and end up in landfill or charity bag.
Not much Christmas spirit in all that.
A meal out is a great idea either before Christmas or between Christmas and new year. If nobody wants to do that then see first point.
Also do it. Put down some of that mental load. I think it’s a safe bet your DH isn’t making lists and browsing for gifts for his extended family.

SalsaLove · 02/10/2021 12:17

It’s completely unfair for people with that many children to expect gifts for all of them!

Happenchance · 02/10/2021 12:17

Send them this: www.monbiot.com/2012/12/10/the-gift-of-death/

SylvanasWindrunner · 02/10/2021 12:44

We stopped doing this a good few years ago. We do a charity donation now 'in the name' of the other family members and all share what charity we've chosen. It does get a bit ridiculous and then you end up with lots of cheap gifts from people who don't even know your kids particularly well. It just becomes a box ticking exercise.

I'd just say: 'Hi X, just to let you know that we are cutting back this Christmas and wont be exchanging or expecting gifts. I plan to make a small donation to X instead [if you want to do that obviously] Hope you're all well and looking forward to seeing you next!'

PetitsGateaux · 02/10/2021 12:54

We have decided to do a cousins’ Secret Santa - so they all get a gift, but we don’t have to buy anywhere near as many, especially as they are all getting plenty of other presents anyway.