Worried I’ll spend Xmas stopping kids from wrecking the joint

[SpikyCactus]

DP and I are hosting Xmas dinner this year. We previously lived in a tiny rented flat so have never hosted, but we bought our first home recently and have ordered new furniture. Chuffed that it will be lovely for Xmas, we texted photos of what we picked to our family.

SIL has replied “will the kids even be allowed to come in lol? You know they’re boisterous and will bash toys off the furniture”. I said they won’t be allowed to do that in my home but my DS has a big padded mat that he plays on and I’ve also ordered an indoor tent so I can set up a nice play corner for the kids. SIL said “good luck, it’ll be a laugh watching you trying to make them play on the mat, they hate being restricted and will scream if you try to make them stay there”.

AIBU to be annoyed? My own DS is younger than his cousins but he plays on the mat no problem and understands that he isn’t permitted to hit the furniture. I’m now not looking forward to Xmas because I’m worried I’ll spend the whole time stopping the kids from wrecking the joint. We saved for a long time and can’t afford to replace damaged furniture. I can foresee me kicking off because the kids whack my new table and it’ll end in a huge argument.

When your DC get older, will you still expect them to sit and play on a mat. Yes, you should be bringing up children to respect furniture etc but accidents/spillages etc happen

I don't think you can realistically expect them to sit nicely on a mat and play.

HOWEVER you certainly should not accept your furniture getting smashed up! At any age. If SILs kids cannot behave in a way that means your house in not safe from destruction then they're not welcome.

Seriously - should you be expected to sit back and allow them to destroy furniture? NO fucking way.

SIL either controls her children, or she and they can leave. And if any permanent damage is done to your house you invoice her for the repairs.

She sounds rude.

A glass table?! Odd choice for someone with a young child, potentially dangerous.
Yes children shouldn’t deliberately damage other people’s things but you are coming across as a littlest precious and i worry for you that actually in the next few years that yes, your furniture will have some dents and scratches on, from your own child, because kids are kids, accidents happen and children play.

Buying furniture and expecting it to stay pristine with small children is asking for trouble imo!

In your position I’d decline hosting Xmas, maybe book for lunch somewhere neutral instead because it sounds like sil will be walking on eggshells and yourll be on edge expecting the kids to break something.

I think you have very unrealistic expectations of how closely you can manage a toddler's behaviour and I think you'll read this thread very differently when your own reaches that age! I also think it's a bit silly to invest in expensive furniture you can't afford to replace if it gets damaged when you have a young baby. We bought good quality second hand pieces for that very reason - a few more dings will just add to the character!

Agree they shouldn't be expected to sit on a mat all day but your sil response was rude.

I've never inspected anyone's table legs for dents & I know it's hard when things are new & you've spent a lot of money on them but you'll never keep the legs undented forever without giving your own child issues & not feeling at home. My dc have never ruined furniture but my friend gave her 2 year old a cup of milk at our house once & let him drink it on the new sofa! Luckily I saw & caught it in time before it spilled everywhere. My point is that we all have different levels of what is acceptable. You need to spell yours out, but hopefully without dc having to do without Christmas fun

It sounds like your sil is being sarky, she probably thinks you’re being unreasonable expecting excited kids to stay on a designated mat

There is no way a 2 and 4 year old will sit on a mat for the entirety of Christmas Day! As your gets older they will also tear about and probably bash things off your furniture, sometimes on purpose and often accidentally. A glass coffee table will be a hard thing to keep clean.

If you are worried about your stuff then take steps to limit any damage. Move the coffee table to a bedroom or to the side of the room to allow the children space to move about in the middle of the room. Buy a Christmassy table protector for your dining table and maybe some Christmassy throws for your sofa or chairs. Use mats on side tables. I agree with the PP who suggested a little table with chairs fromIkea for the kids to eat at and play on. You will get loads of use out of it when yours is bigger.

@Elementtree

OP there are some things you can do.
Shoes off
Make sure they’re exercised sent outside with accompanying adults
Allow them to do non harmful tonyour furniture things, you can’t demand furniture respecting calm and no tv for eg.
Remove particularly ridiculous vulnerable things like the coffee table.
I doubt you’ll do that because if ever I’ve seen a poster itching for a fight, you are. You’re not just fighting fire by fire but storing kindling and checking you’ve got enough fuel 3 months in advance.
Good Luck

A glass table? With a young child in the house? What? Is your child never to be allowed in the sitting room once they are mobile?

Also it’s obviously this:
Could SIL be trying to provoke you into banning her and her kids?

Would be a big win for her - relaxed Christmas at home and you're the bad guy, she gets to be gracious about your bad behaviour in banning her and her kids from the lovely family gathering?

With all due respect OP, your plan is nuts. Babies/very young toddlers are fairly easy to contain in a small area. Even after they are mobile. My DS would sit in a laundry basket and watch almost an entire wash cycle when he was little. He wouldn't do that now, older babies are easily fascinated by simple things and can be content to stay in a small, fun space for a long time. At 2 and 4 they will not and should not be contained to a tent and playmat. Especially on a high octane day like Christmas. My 5yo DS has always been able to spend hours at a time playing quietly with certain types of toys but there is no way in hell he could do that on Christmas day, it's just too exciting. And when he does spend hours at quiet play, all of a sudden he'll be taken by a very real need (and it is a need) to blow off steam physically and run about like crazy. It is also absolutely impossible for a 2 and 4 year old to play together for hours at a time. Even if the 4 year old manages to get absorbed in a game, the 2 year old and your baby will ruin it. If by an utter miracle, the 4 year old and 2yo get involved in a game together and manage to play harmoniously, your baby will ruin it.

I have no tolerance for parents who don't manage their children and respect the homes of their hosts. I have a former friend who is former largely because of her allowing her children to behave atrociously in my home. So I do think that your SIL is being completely unreasonable if she really thinks her children should be allowed run riot in your house and shouldn't be stopped if they behave in a way likely to damage your possessions. But on the other end of the scale your expectations of how older toddlers and pre-schoolers can be expected to behave are ludicrous. Not just for your SIL's children on Christmas day but for your own child over the next few years, especially if you are planning to have more children.

I think your right op
Bollocks to anyone saying expect Damage... I've looked after kids for years... not one has Damaged my furniture. Any attempt to do so is treated as disrespect.
Toys, yes they get Damaged occasionally.
They don't sit still but they do if the activities are fun and changed swiftly and often.

I would say to your sister in law

Haha I'll have a time out spot at the ready then... I would hate for my dc to think damaging the house is acceptable.
We all know how to parent so we can nip that in the bud... I'll have plenty to do for them. I've kept all receipts so any damages you will know where to replace the item.fingers crossed it will be a lovely day and we can all work together so no one spoils it for anyone else.

You can explain you understand the excitement but due to your new home you will be implementing your house rules for their safety and everyone's sanity.

I'm moving to a nicer house soon and I have zero concerns about the children in my care damaging it. You should be able to feel the same... the mother is responsible for their behaviour.

She will soon step in if she sees u implementing your rules... no way should u have to put up with that crap.

Pass the parcel is a good idea... puzzles, sensory Christmas/ winter tuff trays. Redecorating part of the tree, Christmas movie, sticker books.

She sounds like the kind of person who will allow her little darlings to cause chaos but the minute they get hurt in your home you will be to blame

Omg OP, your moaning about kids playing like kids do, on Christmas Day with their toys?

Think in 20 years time do you want your children to look back on happy memories of Christmas, or the ones where you were not allowed to play with anything or play anywhere near the furniture?

I don't think she's jealous, she just knows you have unrealistic expectations. A 4 year olds Christmas is magical but you want him to sit on a mat.

She's winding you up as well because you keep banging on about your rosewood sideboard to her

Put the glass coffee table into storage, throws on the sofas

Hide all the good stuff

Then unclench

I think your sister's logic re spending is that kids will remember holidays but not nice furniture.

She is deliberately sneering at your possessions instead of holidays outlook

I am more in her camp, but I think that if you don't hide all your stuff you are in for a really stressful Christmas.

Not to upset you, but I get the feeling she may laugh at you a lot.

No excusw for her kids to be brats though.

Yes definitely move the glass coffee table into your bedroom. You’ll probably need the space anyway. Christmas throws will protect furniture as well as add some festive joy! I’m sure she’s mostly teasing you, but lots of people in always a risk, so protect as much as you can x

Your Christmas day will be hell on earth. Your DS may still be young enough to be contained, but it's just a matter of time. If you're furniture is more important than normal family life crack on, but I think you're in for a shock as your child grows.

You showed your true colours when punish slipped out instead of discipline. Also a snob , your son would prefer Ikea furniture and holidays than a mat and fancy furniture.
Don’t host Christmas you will ruin it for everyone.

YANBU to expect SIL or DB to control their kids. But YABU if you expect kids that age to stay on mat/on tent. It doesn't sound like much fun tbh. For anyone.

^ this.

I'm sure your furniture will get scratched and damaged when your DC are older whether you like it or not. You do sound very uptight tbh.

Oh dear OP.... Etino has it spot on I think.

You clearly dislike your SIL very much.

It's sad that you're more concerned about your furniture than you are about making sure everyone has a fun, relaxed, family Christmas. Will you confine your own child to a mat for Christmases to come?

Mind you, if you do host this year you can take comfort from the fact that it will be the first and last time. No-one will ever want to come round to your house again.

My children are around the same age as your SILs and have never managed to damage furniture, and they are boisterous little girls. I would not be taking them anywhere for Christmas where they would be expected to sit quietly on a mat. How miserable for them and for me.
I also think it's odd that you've chosen expensive and easily damaged furniture with a baby. All this talk of disclipling and disciplining again, you're talking about toddlers and preschoolers, that's not fair on them.
Also agree with PP that said you are looking for a row as much as your SIL is.

I've raised 3 kids none of whom would have stayed on a playmat beyond the age they could crawl, without them damaging any of the furniture (except DS2s bed frame which wasn't up to having several 6 foot tall teens sitting on it for hours at a time).
If my SIL had invited us for Xmas on the conditions you have imposed i would have been tempted to wind her up along the lines that your SIL has.
I had a friend (only child) whose parents kept their house like a furniture showroom. He wasn't allowed to put a newspaper on the coffee table in case of newsprint marks. Not a happy family home.

You have created a show home, not a home.

The very idea that in September you are planning ways to control the children shows that you have not planned a child-friendly welcoming home.

A glass coffee table?

Punishing your toddler for behaving exactly according to developmental stage?

Your SIL is right about the ridiculousness of your mat / tent plan, and as a parent of 2 older kids than yours, maybe you could take SOME notice of the voice of experience?

Not wanting to host after years of them hosting? Your choice of furniture is making you selfish!

You have recognised that it is your reaction that is likely to wreck Christmas, so work on what you can do about that.

This sounds like a disaster/accident waiting to happen, only because your sister-in-law has very different parenting views to you.

I don't see why everyone's making out the sister is being an arse it was obviously a tongue in cheek comment after you've sent her some pictures of something that looks like a brand new, pristine home. It's not "ha ha! I shall release my feral children, good luck!“

Ignore the bashing furniture, she doesn't mean that specifically, she's acknowleding how nothing looks out of place and made a bit of a joke by saying, can they even come in? You got instantly offended and precious over your house, and that's probably why she then made a dig about trying to keep the kids on a mat.

My house is white, pale grey, blush pink and gold. I know my mates shudder when they come round with DC, and the first time someone comes round, they'll often make a funny comment like "omg just stand on the doormat and don't touch anything". And I laugh, and tell them to go play with DS.

I've had loads of kids round at Christmas. Sometimes things get broken, spilt, bumped sometimes they don't. Sometimes it's totally accidental, sometimes it's down to them being over excited and a little careless, It's not a reflection on behaviour, or the parents, it's what happens with 2 and 4 year olds, especially in Christmas day.

Yanbu to be proud of all your new stuff. Yabu to invite a 2 and 4 year old when you can't accept they might knock a drink over, or drop a toy on the coffee table and leave a mark. If you're that precious over it that you can't enjoy your day for fear that something gets accidentally scratched, then it's your call. You need to make that decision.