Worried I’ll spend Xmas stopping kids from wrecking the joint

[SpikyCactus]

DP and I are hosting Xmas dinner this year. We previously lived in a tiny rented flat so have never hosted, but we bought our first home recently and have ordered new furniture. Chuffed that it will be lovely for Xmas, we texted photos of what we picked to our family.

SIL has replied “will the kids even be allowed to come in lol? You know they’re boisterous and will bash toys off the furniture”. I said they won’t be allowed to do that in my home but my DS has a big padded mat that he plays on and I’ve also ordered an indoor tent so I can set up a nice play corner for the kids. SIL said “good luck, it’ll be a laugh watching you trying to make them play on the mat, they hate being restricted and will scream if you try to make them stay there”.

AIBU to be annoyed? My own DS is younger than his cousins but he plays on the mat no problem and understands that he isn’t permitted to hit the furniture. I’m now not looking forward to Xmas because I’m worried I’ll spend the whole time stopping the kids from wrecking the joint. We saved for a long time and can’t afford to replace damaged furniture. I can foresee me kicking off because the kids whack my new table and it’ll end in a huge argument.

Hmm, I think you have to expect the older ones to move around more, particularly if they're naturally active kids, but no way should your sil expect to sit and enjoy herself while you do the disciplining. She (and their dad /other mum if he's /she's present) should take responsibility for enforcing the rules and also back you up. My 2 yo does sometimes accidentally bump cars in the sofa. Anything deliberate and it would be taken off him. But their parents shouldn't expect an adult Christmas without bothering to control their own kids.

I have 4 and 3 year olds who have never bashed toys off the furniture, it wouldn’t even occur to them!

You can't expect 2 and 4 yr olds to sit in a designated play area
You can expect their parents to keep an eye on them.

She's jealous. Don't engage with her about it.

If you have a garden consider putting the tent and all the toys out there. Coats on and out they go.

I would seriously be reconsidering inviting anyone who was this rude and dismissive of your home.

Perhaps tell her it won't be a problem after all, as after some consideration you are now having a quiet christmas and will come to their house and visit on boxing day.

Its inevitable that your expectations will be a little off, as your dc are a bit younger. Its all very well expecting guests to respect your property but this is your sister and it sounds like she is not going to play ball. I would either deal with it now and say ‘well you’re not welcome then’ and let her backtrack, and then you set out your clear expectations on arrival; or I would cover everything, remove some items, and try to have a relaxed time with family in your lovely new home.

Btw, hosting is really stressful the first ten times, and people often don’t realise how much you are doing and can be super ungrateful. You need to have some strategies in place for yourself to get some breaks (where you can go into the garden and scream).

Your own child could attempt to become a furniture basher in the future!
I’m afraid that would be punished very swiftly. My main complaint is not that the cousins won’t behave - they’re little and it’s Xmas. The issue is SIL’s attitude that they’re just naturally boisterous and will scream if anyone tries to stop them doing what they want to do, so therefore it has to be permitted. If a child objects to being disciplined that doesn’t mean you just shrug your shoulders and go “oh well, I can’t discipline them”. You discipline them and if they scream about it you discipline them again for screaming.

My kids are 2 and 4 and well behaved kids. But the 2yo still tried to whack the TV with a plastic shark yesterday. Cause he's 2 and doesn't understand it's wrong or have any impulse control.

You can't expect them to stay on the mat. But you should expect their parents to keep an eye on them and try to thwart any behaviour issues.

And please don't be too upset when it's your own toddler who ruins your expensive furniture in the future

I honestly don’t know if SIL is jealous. They have way more money than we do, but choose to live in a house full of Ikea furniture and spend on holidays and nights out. Each to their own. We haven’t had a holiday for nearly a decade and have saved up to improve our home instead. It’s surprising how many people (not just SIL) are snobby and jealous even though they just spent the exact same £10k taking their kids to Disney.

SILs kids are her responsibility. Don’t let her set any precedent for getting to put her feet up while you run around hosting and managing all the children.

When it comes to inviting properly, I’d just remind her of this conversation...”we’d love to invite you for Xmas but recall that you were concerned you wouldn’t be able to manage your children at our house, would you prefer to wait till they are older?”

If she says they would like to come, “that’s great, feel free to bring things to occupy them, i’ll show you were you can set up and keep watch over them; i’ll be busy with food prep”.

How about telling her that if she thinks it will be too much work for her to keep an eye on the kids this year, you wont be offended if she wants to change the plans and do something else, as long as she gives you notice.

How could a 2yo or 4yo damage furniture by hitting it?

Making sure they are at table for food and drink is good damage limitation. But hitting a sofa or table xwith a toy or body will do fuck all.

I think you are over stressing about this. And there will be adults sitting in sofa or at least in the area to keep an eye on them.

Restricting kids to a mat all day is unrealistic.

OK, well your SIL is winding you up and you are falling for it, and between the two of you you will be tense as anything by the time Christmas comes, and you will be on Red Alert checking for the slightest infraction.

She is being snarky and obnoxious, but you sound very uptight.

And it is different with older kids. 2 year olds don’t stay in the mat, 4 year olds shouldn’t have to. Saying a 2 year old would be ‘swiftly punished’ for stuff that 2 year olds don’t understand us a very harsh regime.

Cover your furniture with throws. (Spills WILL happen), and other protective measures.

But in the end you and SIL (not sure where the blood sibling is in all this: maybe they should mediate/ take some responsibility) and you have different priorities. You have a home that is more important to you than time spent as a family on holidays. That you will protect by ‘swiftly punishing’ your 2 year old.

That may not be a home that is ideal for hosting a big family Christmas with small children. Do you want to welcome people to your home, or show it off?

I suspect SIL suspects the second, and she may have picked this up, especially as Your disparagement of her ‘lifestyle ‘ (perfectly normal choices) seeps into your posts.

I am not against bringing children up to behave, my own are well behaved, but you do seem unrealistic about older small children.

A relaxed happy Christmas will depend as much on you unclenching as it will on SIL keeping conk on her kids (again: where is their Dad in this?).

Hold on, you expect a 2 and a 4 year old to just sit on a mat? At Christmas? Like crate training for kids?

Two sides to this.

Your sil should not allow her children to bash toys off furniture.

Your child is clearly a baby or very very young toddler and you are utterly deluded if you think confining a 2 and a 4 year old to a play at for hours on end is realistic.

It could be that your sil has seen photos of your show home and is dreading a Christmas waljing on egg shells ensuring that her 2 and 4 year old stay confined to a couple of meters of playmat and touch nothing.

YANBU imo. I used to visit a friend who was pregnant and then with her baby when my eldest were 2 and 4. My kids were pretty well behaved and my friend utterly nice and claimed not to want me to be strict with the kids, but she had stands of training pit plants and fragile antique toys as ornaments and all sorts, and being at her flat was so incredibly stressful with the kids. She changed her decoration totally after her DD became mobile and pulled things down on herself, narrowly escaping serious injury and needing an a & e visit for s couple of stitches.

My parents' house, though beautiful, also became utterly unsuitable for toddlers over the 30+ years between their children and their grandchildren being toddlers, and I couldn't relax there for over a decade, until my youngest was school age.

That should be You are both being unreasonable, autocorrect knows MN apparently and switched out YABBU

Is there family pressure, perhaps from the grandparents, to all be together for Christmas?

Spending Christmas trying to keep a 2 and a 4 year old confined to a play mat in a pristine show home would be stressful.

Could SIL be trying to provoke you into banning her and her kids?

Would be a big win for her - relaxed Christmas at home and you're the bad guy, she gets to be gracious about your bad behaviour in banning her and her kids from the lovely family gathering?

Withdraw the invite.

I think your SIL is being a bit unkind, but to be honest I can imagine you do come across as quite uptight and a bit naive about what older toddlers/young children are like. I have two relatively well behaved children around those ages and they absolutely would not stay on a mat or be confined in a tent, in fact I would go as far as to say that it would be quite cruel to enforce that on them for any length of time.

Sounds like a fun Christmas!

How could a 2yo or 4yo damage furniture by hitting it?
Denting teak table legs. Chipping paint off. Scratching the rosewood sideboard. Or more worryingly, breaking the glass coffee table. Do you really think that bashing toys on furniture doesn’t damage it?

I don’t want to host Xmas tbh. Don’t particularly want kids bashing my new furniture. But MIL and SIL have hosted for five years because we only lived in a 1 bed flat, so they expect us to host this year now we’ve bought a house. DP wants to take his turn but is similarly worried about our new stuff getting wrecked.

Jesus, even the little matchstick girl didn't have to spend Christmas sat on a mat.

Sorry OP you sound hard work and like you’re going to make it a stressful Christmas. And a miserable one for the kids.

Imagine someone coming on here and saying ‘my SIL expects my 2 year old and 4 year old to sit on a mat throughout Christmas Day at her house’ . That’s a shitty way to treat kids and shows crazy lack of insight into how they behave and what they’re capable of.

You’ve probably wound your SIL up.

Does she enjoy having horrible children?

It's fair enough she was honest with you that you might have trouble stopping them being unruly but she shouldn't have said it in that way,I def wouldn't host.Fuck em.