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Original poster

Do I accept invitations or just stay alone?

157 replies

whistlingtea · 10/09/2016 00:33

I'm used to spending Christmas alone, I have since 2000 with only four exceptions, but I thought this one might be different but it won't be due to DPs work.

I've politely declined invitations in the past as its so uncomfortable being in someone's home at an intimate time but this year I don't want to be alone. But I still feel uncomfortable being in someone's home.

So - any suggestions? Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
whistlingtea · 12/09/2016 20:29

I should do I know :) I'm just always a bit worried about sounding needy and pathetic. What I really want is to be part of his family but don't want to push it.

OP posts:
FireflyGirl · 12/09/2016 22:01

Just to add my tuppence worth - you've seen how confused and frustrated people on the thread have become. I think you need to be honest and forthright with him or this could be molehill into mountain material.

You've spent a lot of Christmas Days alone, and would really like to spend this one with him/his family. Yes, it's September, but he's already made plans so it's not as though he hasn't thought about it yet, albeit by the sounds of it he made them before you got serious. You'd love to join him in whatever he's doing, but if not possible then you can stay nearby and join him afterwards.

ImperialBlether · 12/09/2016 22:16

It's hard to put yourself in a vulnerable position, isn't it? It sounds as though you've always had to look after yourself and part of that involves developing a bit of a shell.

How well do you know him? Is he a kind man? Do you see him often? Can you talk to him about what matters to you in other ways? Does he realise that you usually spend Christmas on your own?

Original poster
whistlingtea · 13/09/2016 08:06

You're right imperial , I have, and it can be very hard to admit it can be very hard. People do quickly become angry about lonely people, not sure why!

OP posts:
MoonfaceAndSilky · 13/09/2016 09:06

I'm used to spending Christmas alone, I have since 2000 with only four exceptions

What were the four exceptions (if you don't mind me asking) and how did they go?

Could you just pop around to different friends for a quick drink and then leave so you don't feel you're imposing too much?

drspouse · 13/09/2016 09:09

When you say new-ish, were you together last Christmas?

Original poster
whistlingtea · 13/09/2016 12:10

Moonface my dad was single for two of them, then I spent two with friends. We weren't together last Christmas. I can't really go to see different friends as they are spread all over the country lol

OP posts:
drspouse · 13/09/2016 12:37

Right, so this is a new issue, not a precedent set by last year.

I cannot see that you have answered the following:

If your DP will be at his church of employment, why can't you go to church (at least one service, there are loads I know, sometimes!)?

Do you normally stay with him when you visit and if so, why can't you stay now? Or would you prefer to stay elsewhere/normally you stay elsewhere?

Is he volunteering/working at a non-religious event (including e.g. Christmas dinner on church premises) or is it all church services? Does it go on for more than one day (e.g. a dinner on Boxing Day, services on Christmas Eve)?

And finally what will happen if you say "Oh, I would love to see you over Christmas. What do you think - should I come to your church, or meet up on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day, or both?"

Do NOT say "Oh, X wants to know if I can spend Christmas with them but I didn't know what you were doing so I thought I'd better ask you first" because that will mean, to him, either "I'd rather go to X but wanted to check you wouldn't be offended" or "X invited you too but I'm checking you really aren't free first".

Kr1stina · 13/09/2016 12:55

People are not annoyed with you because you are Lonely. They are getting a little frustrated because you ask for suggestions then turn them down point blank, you impute motives to others without explaining why , you don't give enough information , you don't say what you want and you expect others to be mind readers .

And posters are gently suggesting to you that people in real life might be feeling the same frustration .

The host who invites you over, then you decline because you have decided they don't want you there because it shoudl be " intimate " .

The new BF who you won't raise the subject with because he's a man .

The voluntary organisations who you don't contact until it's too late and then say " oh I guess you don't want me then " .

The single friends you don't invite over because you have decided they won't come .

And the pay off for you is that you get to complain you are lonely.

I'm sorry you feel like that but I'm not sure you are helping yourself here .

MissBattleaxe · 13/09/2016 13:00

People do quickly become angry about lonely people, not sure why!

I don't think that's true at all. Some posters, (including me!) were getting frustrated by your indecision and rebuttal of all suggestions. I don't think lonely people make anyone angry. You are probably a lot more welcome than you think!

In fairness, I think what you really wanted to say was that you would like to be with your partner but perhaps are afraid he won't offer?

CotswoldStrife · 13/09/2016 13:02

Agree with Kr1stina, you are turning down all suggestions despite not even trying them - you are just imagining the response you'll get in your head instead! If you would like a different experience at Christmas this year, then it will mean you doing something different as well.

I hope you speak to your partner about it.

Original poster
whistlingtea · 13/09/2016 13:10

But what suggestions have I turned down, other than to explain why some of it isn't practical? :) And why does that frustrate you?

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Artandco · 13/09/2016 13:13

Why are you sure all your friends will be too busy? Have you actually asked anybody? Have you actually invited anybody?

Have you actually asked bf what the plan is? Or how you can spend time together?

It's all just assumptions so far

Waltermittythesequel · 13/09/2016 13:18

I think it's just generally frustrating when it seems as though an OP doesn't want to do anything other than feel sorry for herself which is kind of how it's coming across.

If you had posted saying you just wanted a bit of a whinge, it would be different I think!

Original poster
whistlingtea · 13/09/2016 13:21

Art, the thing is you know your friends don't you?

I imagine lots of you here have babies and preschool children - would you honestly want to step away from them Christmas Day to visit a friend? Or would you honestly want to put them all in a car and bundle them to visit?

I feel like I'm just defending myself now. It's just a hard time of year for me but perversely I do like it. But the day itself is tough.

OP posts:
drspouse · 13/09/2016 13:58

The main suggestion you have not even responded to is why you can't go to his church with him, or volunteer with him if that's what he's doing.

Original poster
whistlingtea · 13/09/2016 14:11

I've explained a few times his church is in a completely different area of the country, where he grew up.

OP posts:
drspouse · 13/09/2016 14:19

But you go there to visit him, don't you? Or does he always come to you and there's some really good reason you can't go there, ever? You haven't explained how you meet up etc.

Original poster
whistlingtea · 13/09/2016 14:25

Yes, I have as I have explained we weren't together last Christmas.

OP posts:
mummytime · 13/09/2016 14:26

We invited a single friend one Christmas, and everyone was really looking forward to him coming, and disappointed when he backed out. If I invited you it would be because we really wanted you. Admittedly my DC are teenagers now, so present opening can be over quite early, and someone else around is very valuable to give someone else for people to talk to (or listen to them airing their latest opinions).

There are also lots of people who are lonely at Christmas. So you could invite some of them over (old people and foreign students spring to mind, never mind divorcees where the ex has the children this Christmas).
Or do something alternative, our local swimming pool has a special Christmas day session.
Or volunteer to look after someones dog while they go to visit relatives and go for a nice brisk walk.

Stillunexpected · 13/09/2016 14:39

But what suggestions have I turned down - well you have turned down actual invitations in the past and suggested you would do so again because you seem to have it fixed in your mind that people are only asking you because they feel sorry for you and that you would be intruding on their day. You seem completely unwilling to accept that people might like inviting friends in order to make the day a bit more interesting or fun for them - or to help with the washing-up/help defuse the arguments over the remote control!

drspouse · 13/09/2016 14:43

as I have explained we weren't together last Christmas.

I asked that. You answered it. Then I asked what you do now when you see him. Do you meet halfway? Does he always come to you? Do you go to his home town? If you go to his home town where do you stay? Do you stay at his house? Or separately? Could you stay at his house if you wanted to, and do you want to? If not, why not?

Ragwort · 13/09/2016 14:55

I have a family (small - DH & DS Grin) and we would be very happy If someone invited us for drinks on Christmas day. Dare I admit but Christmas Day can actually be a bit boring with the expectation that you are mean to be having 'happy family time' .......... when I grew up my parents always hosted a big after church and pre-lunch drinks party & loads of people would come ............ so I do think you are being very negative about some of the suggestions that have been made on this thread.

How do you know that all the shelters/old folks lunches etc have enough volunteers - we haven't even started planning our's in the town we live in and I do know that we never get enough help. I understand that the big 'Crisis' centres get loads of help but the smaller, independent organisations often don't.

Ragwort · 13/09/2016 14:56

Also, you say your Dad was single for two of the Christmasses you weren't alone - why can't you invite him and his new partner to join you - or you join them?

Original poster
whistlingtea · 13/09/2016 15:01

He's dead now. But his partners (he had two) hated the fact he had a child already (I'm not a child but you know what I mean!)

Dr he lives local to me but goes home for Christmas, sorry, I think I've answered your post but am not totally sure.

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