Ahem. It's the 25th September, which means....

[FellatioNelson]

That I hereby declare the Fellatio's Poncetastic Christmas Thread Part 4 open for business.

For those of you who do not know WTF I am on about, read this from 2010 by way of explanation:

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

If you want to read the previous three threads for Christmas 2010, 2011 and 2012 search my name in the Christmas topic.

In the words of the great Mike Reid from Runaround, G-G-G-G-G- GO!

[microserf]

I am really ashamed to admit I just ordered all my Christmas cards, wrap and advent calendars. Managed to completely fail to do these things last year until v last minute and get massively stressed.

Otherwise, shall certainly be buying all Xmas fare from ye old Asda and certainly not baking a single thing from scratch. School should take care of the artfully handcrafted declarations. Last year the children produced penguins from toilet rolls. These reduced one of my dinner guests to hysterical giggles when she decided they were too unsuitably phallic... So we kept them up for the rest of the year On Principle.

[CbeebiesIsMyLife]

whats ma made?

[IsaacCox]

bythemoonlight-

Chocolate advent house for me
Pastry pusher for mince pies/small tarts etc
3D Christmas tree cookies
2x basket bags
Chocolate spoons mould
Chocolate moulds
Naice cake stencils
Snowflake stencils
Merry Christmas stencil
Cook book stand
And best of all was a gift card for £50's worth of wine for just the £4.99 delivery cost

I was going to buy this holly wreath mould but looked on Amazon and got this in 3 different sizes and these to make my own.

I'm going to find the email from the book people to show you what Christmas books I got too, hang on a sec.

[BellaOfTheBalls]

Prepared Seville oranges in a tin. You add sugar, water, boil it then pour into jars. The whole process takes less than an hour and you should get about 6 jars of marmalade out of it. Job done.

[CatsCantFlyFast]

Marking place. Will be back after buying Lakeland empty

[IsaacCox]

Books-
Kirstie's Christmas crafts
Christmas crafts
I also got 13 more books- some as presents but most of them cook books I may be a little bit obsessed with cook books

I also have Mary Berry's Christmas collection pre ordered

Also getting this Cath Kidston organiser

Still have last years books to use too! I ordered this one last year thanks to this thread

[Refoca]

If I join you, can you forgive me for planning a party first and not getting truly Christmassy until Dec? I need ideas for both...

[FellatioNelson]

Right, now for those you who cannot be bothered to plough your way through the 2010 thread, I think I should re-introduce the idea of the Snowman. It is something of a family tradition for us, cruelly inflicted on my DH by his mother, and I have found the need to cruelly inflict it on my children, by way of carrying on the legacy.

Hang on, I'll C&P from the other thread.

[FellatioNelson]

Here it is:

OK, I'll start you off with our HIDEOUS Christmas tradition called 'The Snowman'.

First of all you fashion a snowman out of a lidded bucket/receptacle of some sort, or make it out of a cylinder of stiff carboard, cover it in cotton wool/duvet filling/whatever, woolly hat, face, etc.

For every person present at the lunch table you must have one small token silly gift. Wrap it and attach a name label, and put it in the snowman.

After lunch/dinner everyone in the family has to do a 'turn' of some sort. It can be reciting a poem, telling a joke, singing a song, playing the recorder, a card trick - you get the idea. (It's best to start practising now - the potential for humiliation is enormous) and after each person had performed, they get their present from inside the Snowman. It's wonderful and excrutiating all at the same time.

And you can video people and laugh at them for years to come. And I do. And it's very sweet looking back on your kids doing their turns when they were little.

[FellatioNelson]

I don't mind giving ideas for a non-Christmas party at all Refoca, so long as it is a poncetastic party.

[Guitargirl]

Sadly, I am lacking in the 3 key ingredients to join you properly: time, imagination and any creative ability whatsoever.

BUT I do love Christmas so I will be watching from afar as I did last year...and imagining that our tinsel is home-made holly and berry garlands...

[FellatioNelson]

Well we can help you with the creativity and the imagination part Guitar indeed that is our mission and our God-given vocation, but I am afraid we cannot help you with the time.

Can't you just employ some servants?

[whattodoo]

So, what Christmas cake recipes are recommended?

I made 4 puddings last year, so have 2 ready and waiting for this year's festivities.

I've been gathering gifts all year and have bought my very expensive '2013' bauble (I get a different one one each year and will pass the collection to DD when she is an adult).

[DumSpiroSpero]

Ooh, we're actually having a homemade Christmas this year.

I have been somewhat backed into a corner by DD's Godmother who gave her a suitcase of Christmas crafts for her birthday a couple of weeks ago.

We are waiting until half term to get started though but I have promised she can make all the decorations and decorate the tree for the first time ever this year (she's 9).

Meanwhile, I will be sitting on my hands, biting my tongue and consuming industrial quantities of mulled wine while I reminisce about my beautiful, carefully coordinated decorations languishing in the loft.

[bymoonlight]

Just reading about mulled wine makes me depressed. No alcohol this Christmas for me

[ManicMinor]

Yay! (I did briefly wonder if I had got my dates wrong and that today was in fact my birthday when I read the thread).

I've followed these from the start, and aspired, but this year I have the perfect storm of not working and having Christmas at home rather than MILs for the first time since the dc arrived, so this is the year! I spent a pleasant hour or so perusing the John Lewis, M&S and Lakeland Christmas sites yesterday which has started the ball rolling.

[Guitargirl]

I could enlist DD and DS I suppose but our kitchen table is already like a Christmas card factory line come December with me barking out orders, no, I mean carefully nurturing their Christmas crafty sides.

They did collect some acorns the other day so they would probably be up for pine cone collecting. Do you find that sort of stuff starts to smell though after a few days? And I don't mean nice Christmassy smell, I mean dead wood sort of smell.

[Editededition]

I love Mumsnet! For decades I thought I was the only lunatic who started Christmas in early September!

So - I've started the Sloe Gin and the Blackberry Brandy, set the onions to pickle, and done the chutney.
Have also made the Christmas cakes (5!! as I just seem to keep collecting people that want, but won't DIY)
(whattodo I have a recipe which I've used for almost 40 years, and never had a failure with, so happy to PM if you would like it)

Its the creative side I am stuck on ....any ideas for an elegant tablecentre, anyone? I have always been inclined to three candles with the usual ivy & cones, but have DDs ILs with me this year for the first time ....and they are very minimalist, so would like something subtle

[Editededition]

Guitar - solve the dead wood smell by thorough drying!
I sit everything on a slatted tray on the hall radiator for a couple of days
(and hope visitors don't assume my house always smells that way!)

[PimmsOclockisNow]

I'm in! And very excited as this will be my first Mumsnet Christmas. Tis a tad worrying that I am more excited about that than RL Christmas!

Has anyone read the Anthea Turner Christmas book - I have been given it as a gift but rather worried about opening it in case it has evil powers or something.

[Editededition]

MisselthwaiteManor aaaargh....don't eat the spare by itself
major miss on a favourite in this house which only comes in December .....Berry and Marzipan muffins!

[sydlexic]

Nearly had a heart attack thought today was my anniversary, and you said I had missed it. Don't you realise I believe everything I read on MN.

[IsaacCox]

EditionEdition, I'd love your Christmas cake recipe if you wouldn't mind. I want to make mine this week :)

[IsaacCox]

Oops sorry, I read your name wrong Editededition

[Chubfuddler]

I've done all my Christmas present shopping (smug)