Ridiculous christmas...HELP!

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Hi, I have 4DC all under 7, myself and my DH are, to be fair, reasonably well off, however this christmas we have my parents, my sister and her DH and 2 DC (aged 2 and a newborn), my PIL and DH grandmother, DH brother and wife plus 2 DS (five and three) and DH other brother and wife and DS (18mnths). This is 22 people all together. Plus they are all staying over which means forking out for extra air beds and bedding etc.

I only wanted my parents and sister, but once MIL got wind of it, well I didn't stand a chance! I am also feeding them all on xmas eve ( though they aren't staying thank god) and on boxing day, until after lunch.

Would it really be inapproiate to ask for a small cash donation, around £50 per family, off them? I mean its costing a small fortune. My parents who are well off have offered to pay half but frankly I feel this is unfair and whilst I know that my family and myself and my husband are better off than my in laws I still feel a little like I am being taken for a ride?

All views are helpful!

The trouble is the MIL is quite clearly prepared to do nothing is insulted that her darling sons would be expected to pitch in. They are not exactly men who like to pitch in, well my DH is, but I got my hands on him early (uni) and trained him up! My parents are staying over xmas eve mainly to help out with the preperations but my MIL (not my FIL, he is the lovliest man) has made it clear that she expects her and her sons to be treated like princes!! It is literally beyond me.

We have had a fraught relationship since I refused to be a stay at home mother and because I do like to indulge in lovely things and she is always looking for ways to get back, which I suspect this is. She is also unhappy about my parents staying over xmas eve and she not doing.
Sorry to vent!

agree... make sure everybody knows to bring several bottles, and dole out courses.. make sure everybody knows exactly what they need to bring. Even if it's thing like crackers (pulling), crackers (jacobs), cheese, breakfast things, puddings etc. I think charging £50 per family will appear really steep, but you'll find that if you allocate food to each person it should work out about the same. hopefully.

also, you = unhinged

x-posts.

So... are the local B&B's booked?

Haha, maybe a little...christmas shopping for my lot is a nightmare!

B&Bs...I wish. TBH I would happily be the one sleeping in the hotel! She is lovely...just maybe too demanding! We had a rather frank conversation today, hence the "unhinged" ranting lol. Sorry, I am normally quite collected. Honest!!

The kids will love a big family christmas though, and that is what it is all about!

And yes, I will be informing them re bedding. Dont worry!!

I think it is absolutely reasonable to ask for a contribution and frankly £50 is nothing as I'm going to assume you'll be serving lovely food, free flowing booze etc.

My personal preference would be for money and then I do all the shopping so I know exactly what I have in the house and have all the ingredients for all my menus.

Kids will definitely love it, we always had 16 people over at my parents for xmas break and they are fabulous memories.

Thankyou Holly, I would feel much more calm (lol) if I knew exactly what was in the house and what was being served etc rather than relying on others to add contributions. I feel cash would therefore be better and £50 for christmas is a lot less than they would've paid if they were having their own christmases. Surely?

Maybe im odd but I dont think you can 'charge' them for Christmas.

It isnt so much charge, but to cater for 22 people over 3 days is incrediabely expensive. Plus they did invite themselves...

Could not agree more, jeez I paid £60 just for our turkey last year, seriously £50 is a bargain.

For context my two best mates and I always get together with our respective partners and kids for a celebratory meal the Sunday before Christmas. I host as I'm geographically in the middle of us. I do all the cooking and do a really nice 3 course 'Christmas' dinner with all the trimmings incl. crackers, little table gifts for the 2 children and they contribute £20 per couple - and that's just for one meal!

If I was going to someone's house for Christmas I wouldn't be offended in the least if they asked me to contribute (infact would be mortified they had to ask before I offered) and would gladly pay aswell as bringing all my own towels and bedding if that were helpful and plenty of wine, after dinner choccies etc plus a nice gift just for the hostess - having guests at any time of year is seriously expensive and physically knackering and this has to be acknowledged by people!

Thankyou Holly! You have made me feel so much better! Of course I want everyone to have a lovely Christmas and all the family to be together but this is seriously eating into my Christmas budget, and more importantly what Santa can afford to bring for the DC!!

Plus I dont want to start the tradiation of everyone assuming I am hosting every year and thought that maybe the £50 could hint that this wouldn't be a yearly event?!

If I pay you a £100 can I book a room for the three of us at yours next year?!!!

Seems odd your sisters in law haven't offered anything. Being sexist here maybe but IME the women will normally be well aware of what a huge thing you are doing having/feeding so many - and you did say the other brothers are not so domesticated.

We are (5 of us) spending 2 nights at my sister in law's over christmas and I have e mailed today saying I'll put £100 towards shopping & what else can I bring? (She said 'lovely, thanks so much and maybe bring crackers and whatever veggie thing DD wants'). Do you get on with the wives? I can't believe they are planning to come empty handed.

Am kind of leaving the older generation out as it seems more normal to 'treat' parents & grandparents.

Oh, I obviously dont expect anything off the DH grandmother! Don't worry, I'm not that heartless! My sister has already £100, like you. But no DH brothers and co seem completly oblivious. I may send a text a text round tomorrow saying a cotribution "however small would be helpful"?! Views?!

I just get the feeling that they think that because myself and DH are better off we should stump up for everything. Believe me, this is not the first time something like this has happened!

I'd be offended/ embarrassed by the cash request.

There's 26 of us this year for christmas lunch at my brothers. We all offer to bring/buy something, last year my mum did starter, we did cheese/biscuits, his pil and gpil paid for turkey, our gps took a box of chocs and we all took wine/champagne. This year we are paying for turkey, his pil doing dessert etc so everyone chips in.

Was nice also as ggps insisted on being given something to bring so sill told them after dinner mints. Rather than bring the expected box of after eights they did a massive board of ones from thorntons/ green and blacks, lily obriens etc and it became this lovely little touch that we would never have thought of,

If he asked for cash instead I'd be mortified. This way feels like we all play a voluntary part.

Happilyeverafter, I see where you are coming from but offers for bringing a course aren't forthcoming either! Plus I am a little OCD when it comes to cooking and I do like to be completly in control...keeps me calmer lol! But thanks for the advice, I am bearing it in mind!

Maybe you could do like they do in 'bread'?? and pass round a china chicken egg holder after every meal??.

The only trouble with saying 'however small' is that it might turn out to be very small and much less than the £50 you had thought of, but so long as you are happy to accept less then that would work.

I'd just be a bit annoyed if I was having to reduce the number of pressies my DC got just to feed relations who invited themselves, seem like a very rough deal to me!

I know, I just feel it is very rude really to not at least offer. I mean none of them are on the breadline! Still it wouldn't be Christmas without some family tension!

NO don't say 'however small' that would a waste of time! If they don't care enough to have already offered you money/food/alcohol etc then they are not going to be reasonable about the cost.

£50 per family is nothing for that length of time!! (I know some people on here would probably struggle to come up with that, but you know Dh's your family, so I know you wouldn't have suggested it if it wasn't a reasonable amount for them.

No way should you have to foot the bill and absolutely no way should your parents have to.

I think you are being a saint to have them all with their attitudes!!

Howeverm if it's anything like our old family christmases when I was small your kids will love it :)

Do NOT hesitate to ask for £50 per family!!

and for them to bring some alcohol!!

Oh God! Are your DH and my ex related in some way. Honestly, sounds sooo much like my ex MIL and her darling boys! £50 is a bargain for what they're getting. Ask them and don't feel bad about it! (Please can I come next year? )

"Now, how shall we do this? Shall I let people know what to bring, or would you prefer to give me the cash and I'll organise it all and do all the shopping?"

I'd go further and suggest 75 quid. Especially if the invitation was not made by you. Without wishing to be rude to DH's siblings, it does seem like you've been lumbered and to be frank, while a big family get-together is nice, requesting some up-front cash will remind them that for so many people it will be costly, and if it mortifies any of them, so be it !

Definitely makes more sense to be buying the items and be able to plan for the meals, snacks, and so on without them 'contributing' courses. When it comes to booze, they know what they like, so "bring your own booze" can be tacked on the end of the text so they know the 75 quid is to cover food and not free-flowing beer, wine and spirits, too!

Hope all goes well.