Ridiculous christmas...HELP!

[nextchapter]

Hi, I have 4DC all under 7, myself and my DH are, to be fair, reasonably well off, however this christmas we have my parents, my sister and her DH and 2 DC (aged 2 and a newborn), my PIL and DH grandmother, DH brother and wife plus 2 DS (five and three) and DH other brother and wife and DS (18mnths). This is 22 people all together. Plus they are all staying over which means forking out for extra air beds and bedding etc.

I only wanted my parents and sister, but once MIL got wind of it, well I didn't stand a chance! I am also feeding them all on xmas eve ( though they aren't staying thank god) and on boxing day, until after lunch.

Would it really be inapproiate to ask for a small cash donation, around £50 per family, off them? I mean its costing a small fortune. My parents who are well off have offered to pay half but frankly I feel this is unfair and whilst I know that my family and myself and my husband are better off than my in laws I still feel a little like I am being taken for a ride?

All views are helpful!

Yes, I remember last year's threads. And I think there was a thread where a mil had asked for a £70 or thereabouts donation and everyone was ready to march on the woman's house with pitchforks.

I think a friendly request for a specific item is easier than asking for money. People just don't understand what things cost, or at least don't want to understand, and you can bet your bottom dollar there will be some real bitching about it and the OP's name will be mud.

There was also much linking last year to that American Thanksgiving diktat, sent by the uber-control freak woman who was clearly reacting to previous experience of lazy, skinflint relatives.

Not money, but a specific contribution:

X bottles of wine to go with Xmas dinner
X bottles of sparkling wine for Xmas Eve
2kg of cheese - stilton, cheddar and brie in equal portions
A dessert for Boxing Day
A ham or smoked salmon for boxing day
4 boxes of 12 crackers
1 bottle of port

etc etc.

I pay for a third of the combined cost of our beef joint on Xmas eve plus turkey, with my Mum and brother, and take crackers, trifle ingredients etc.
Perfectly reasonable - but you need to be straightforward, matter of fact and implying that it is fun to all muck in in this way - and be specific, not allow for pot luck and a manky old load of choc flapjack with no role in the proceedings!

And definitely bring air beds and their own sheets / pillow cases / duvets.

I'm in a similar situation this christmas - 2 sisters, their partners and dcs, parents and in laws all coming to mine. plus I have 5 children of my own.

I have allocated specific foods/drinks to each couple, So someone is bringing a turkey, someone bringin some booze, trifle, someone is bringing chocolates, the veggie main course etc.

In relation to treating your MIL as a princess. You have a choice - either look on it as one day, and do it to keep the peace. alternatively, she is an adult, let her look after herself! My FIL is exactly the same, and I am not going to pander to him. I have 5 children and don't need anymore (tbh I can't understand why he wants to come - he'll hate the noise, chaos and lack of a chance to show off!).

I wouldn't go down the money route. It just doesn't feel right.

Would just allocate specific things to specific families.

Journey - the way I read "I only wanted my parents and sister, but once MIL got wind of it, well I didn't stand a chance!" it was not a general invitation that was intended, but appears the MIL required invitations for herself + FIL, plus OP's DH's siblings, and their families too.

Sounds to me like what had started out as OP family gathering became "everyone round to + family for a knees up from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day afternoon" and poor thing, got stuck with it and dual penance (for not saying "No Way") of the cost, and workload...

NetworkGuy...I like you a lot! You've hit the nail on the head! I suggested each family brings something, that I gave them, and SIL2 responded, "my thing is more expensive than hers. i'm not bringing it". Marvellous. And my MIL told me if I was going to do something I should really "do itt properly"...

Go to plan B - if they are going to bicker about what different things cost, say "50 quid per family (inc MIL+FIL) or it is DIY Christmas food and dun at your own homes"

As for MIL - she can be sure she "does Christmas properly" at home with FIL !!

I doubt you could drop this bombshell and DH is even less likely to want to, but I am just dreaming of being a fly on MILs wall when she explodes with rage as she hears you tell her on the phone that since you may be unable to reach her "high standard" she had better do her own Christmas, for herself and her precious sons, while you keep DH and DCs happy without her"

:)
:)
:)

aaaargh dun was meant to be DIY

I only dropped down from 75 quid because I perhaps was being especially nasty towards some of your in-laws and they probably don't deserve it really, only MIL perhaps!

Oh, and because others say any mention of money would horrify them with the embarrassment, 75 seemed harsher and more horrific than 50 :)

If they are still all coming, do make sure they know to bring as much booze as they would expect to drink - that you have no extra budget for alcohol on top of the extra food which will be needed as a consequence of such a houseful of people!

Heaven help you if any are 'fussy eaters' and have to know all the ingredients for every dish !

Did she send the email saying she would not buy it to you or everyone? If just you forward it to everyone else. Email her back and say "ok, we will just have to do without that then".

I am also having DPs family. His dad brings the turkey and ham. And his brother has asked whatwe want him to bring and I will suggest something to his sister. When we went to my sisters I got them a fancy Christmas pud (Fortnum's) and my mum brought champagne. I think a reasonable family will want to contribute. This does not sound like a reasonable family! Are you having to buy presents for all these people as well??

omg, how unbelievably rude of them to respond in this way

IME it is usually the people who are most well off that are the least able to recognise when they are taking the piss financially. How ridiculour of your MIL saying you should 'do it properly' when you didn't even actually invite them all

A couple of years ago my very well-off MIL asked me to get a specific present for her (millionaire) sister for xmas. I got it and she never even offered me any money for it - DH had to ask

Well, nextchapter, looks like SIL2 will be doing a lot of veg peeling to make up for her lack of contribution!!

I have been following this thread but hadn't posted. Have to now though! I CANNOT belive your SIL moaned that she was asked to bring something!!! How rude!

What did you ask her to bring and what did you ask the other??

If I were you I would be telling my DH to tell his family to sort their own bloody Xmas!

I think asking for money is a bit weird but in my opinion it is COMPLETELY normal and expected for guests to bring various bits of the meal and I am shocked they would expect to you to provide all of it!

Our guests bring dessert and cheese, another brings wine etc. It's just how it is.

Abudfulsight there are five famalies coming and I asked each one to bring a specific item which were: The ham for boxing (cannot remember the weight but for 15 people) along with a box of beers, 1kg each of five cheeses (stilton, lancashire, applewood, brie and another of their choice), two lots of 6 good quality bottles of wine, and a bottle of good qualiy port and bottle of good quality brandy and some chocolates.

I totalled this up and each group item came in between around 40 and fifty pounds, with my parents offerning to pay for the most expensive group.

I honestly do not think this is unreasonable for feeding and housing over three days! Apparantly the in laws think I am being over indulgent. Do they not realise how much food it requires to feed 22 people over three days?! As my mother said, what do they think we are having? McDonalds?!

I am really quite frustrated now lol

Tbh I would uninvite them.

They are taking the piss and really this should have been nipped in the bud.

Nextchapter

Send a cheery flighty email along the lines below - hopefully means its impossible to opt out of work or contributions. ANd makes it clear that its a huge ask, and that everyone has to do their bit

"Dear inlaws and outlaws:

The Christmas plan! right its all coming together, in a logistcal exercise worthy of the British Army....(Who wants to volunteer for next year!!)

So we have most of the ingredients for a fantastic party....we are providing X, and my folks are generously providing Y. MIL has promised a fabulous Z. Couple A/B are doing the cheese/wine/ham/.

This only leaves the XXXX, which SIL2 would like to swap with someone else....any takers?

Obviously this is going to be delightfully chaotic, with 22 people sat around the table. Like any good General, I shall be directing the troops...Now on the day, catering corp will be (list of people)- we will also need 500 spuds and a fair few sprouts peeled :D

Boys, you are on washing up and childcare duties. (most fun BIL) can I put down to man the bar? (Its a dirty job but someone has to do it :).

DH Granny shall be in charge of snooze patrol on the sofa.

...yada yada yada.

Really looking forward to a big festive family gathering, thanks for all offers of help, clearly I will be needing it! I keep telling myself "Keep Calm and Carry On!"

much love
"General" nextchapter

That's a fantastic idea! Jokey yet firm. I think they just thought they had a free christmas in the bag where some other idiot (me) did all of the work!! That email nips it firmly in the bud!

If you could be bothered to waste the time, nextchapter, you could total up the cost per person per meal, including beverages, alcohol, snacks and chocs, for three days. And email it to each family. I bet it will come to a lot more than you are asking. The children will go through many pints of milk I'm guessing. And I bet SIL2 wouldn't fork out if she was the one hosting.

I think it's time for DH to tell them if they don't wish to participate in a spirit of generosity, especially as they invited themselves, they will have to make alternative arrangements. I bet DH is really ashamed of them now, they must give an awful impression to your parents.

What shongololo said. And if they don't sort it out do not buy the thing SIL2 is refusing to buy yourself -- just do without. No one will starve and she will be the unreasonable one.

(if it is alcohol, get yourself a sneaky hip flask)

DH is as annoyed as I am, as is DH dad. I would go without what SIL2 was suppossed to buy, but its the ham for the boxing day!!
girlywhirly you're right, my parents aren't getting the best impression which will add a lovely atmosphere for the festive season but hey ho!

And all this on top of buying the presents....

Stick to your guns. There will be leftovers, almost certainly, and cheese -- just say "SIL2 [actually, don't say 'SIL2', there's no reason it's her job just because she has an extra X chromosome, say 'BIL2 and SIL2'] didn't manage to bring any ham, so we're a bit light on rations today [bright smile]."

Shongololo's email is superb!

We are having 6 to ours and I know they will contribute (mostly alcohol and puddings) and when we have gone to the in-laws I always take a course, usually cheese, plus a fair amount of booze. It's only courtesy. They appear to see you as an all-you-can-eat buffet at a mysteriously free hotel!

Decide what YOU find acceptable and stick to it. Do not deviate and keep repeating yourself in a polite and firm manner.

Good luck.

I know, I don't know why we put on the blame on the women! I've included all the men in the emails too so BIL2 is just as childish