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Original poster

Ridiculous christmas...HELP!

145 replies

nextchapter · 07/12/2010 00:28

Hi, I have 4DC all under 7, myself and my DH are, to be fair, reasonably well off, however this christmas we have my parents, my sister and her DH and 2 DC (aged 2 and a newborn), my PIL and DH grandmother, DH brother and wife plus 2 DS (five and three) and DH other brother and wife and DS (18mnths). This is 22 people all together. Plus they are all staying over which means forking out for extra air beds and bedding etc.

I only wanted my parents and sister, but once MIL got wind of it, well I didn't stand a chance! I am also feeding them all on xmas eve ( though they aren't staying thank god) and on boxing day, until after lunch.

Would it really be inapproiate to ask for a small cash donation, around £50 per family, off them? I mean its costing a small fortune. My parents who are well off have offered to pay half but frankly I feel this is unfair and whilst I know that my family and myself and my husband are better off than my in laws I still feel a little like I am being taken for a ride?

All views are helpful!

OP posts:
christmaswishes · 08/12/2010 15:10

Hi Next Chapter,

I think it is a case of they think you are well off so they are taking advantage. They think "Oh they can afford it" but I think it is incredibly rude to think this way just because you are finacially well off. Is youur MIL/SIL and rest of family well off?

Do you ever go to MIL and the rest of the family for meals? have you been at christmas before. If so have you contributed?

Like some others say it is such a sensitve issue. Its hardwork when you know people are blatantly taking advantage. I agree some others in the family who have never done a christmas before may not realise how much things cost but others who have must do.

If you are anything like me I like to spoil people and buy some good quality food eg M and S obvioualy this is only if i can afford it at the time, but the food is really good.
You run the risk then if you ask people to bring specific items eg a dessert, you might get a rubbish one as by sounds of it many dont really want to spend anything.

Also the money thing is just too hard work. It will be stressful getting them to pay you the money. Also your run the risk of turning your home in to a restaurant as they will be judging everything on the money they contributed. This will put uneccesaary pressure on you as they will expect a lot, a bit like eating in a restaurant as they are paying for their meal. I dont think asking for money is the done thing.

I am having some guests and I dont think I would ask them to contribute if I invited them. I would just hope they were kind enough to bring something or ask if I needed anything. Having said that I am not having 22 guests but even if I was if i invited them then I would not expect them to pay but would hope they would offer some form of contribution but i would not ask them, but as you said they invited themselves (which I think is very rude, I probably would have said NO ) so in this case you said its okay, you should have been clear with them when they invited themselves from the start and told them I dont mind hosting but you will need help with the food and drinks bill. When your mum in law said can we come, did you just say yes and didnt mention the food and drinks?? x

x

SantasENormaSnob · 08/12/2010 15:16

The 'army' email is a great idea.

Seriously though, anyone who expects free food, booze and accomodation for 3 days is quite disgusting and rude. No way would I pander to this.

Cough up or fuck off comes to mind.

sleighBELLasringing · 08/12/2010 15:22

I am stunned that they are willing for you to play cook/host and bottle washer and not contribute a bloody thing.

£50 per family or contributing xyz is a deal breaker for me not to have all the worry of doing the planning/cooking etc. I would have gladly given you this and brought something extra too.

I only have 12 for lunch/tea on christmas day and that costs a small fortune in itself.

Original poster
nextchapter · 08/12/2010 15:22

It wasn't so much a question of "can we come" it was more a "i assume we are coming then" to my DH at a very bad moment when the twins were having a minor meltdown lol.

Your right I do like my food to be a high standard, and I would ideally use delis for the cheeses etc BUT I would also have no problem with it being from tesco.

In reference to the in laws and being well off, none of them are scrapping the barrell. Both of my BILS are level with each other I would say and in reasonable well paid jobs (teaching). We are considerably better off than them. My sister is similar to my BILs, potentially better off and my parents are very well off and have offerred a sizeable contribution.
However even if they all provided £50 I would still be paying the majoriy and it to feed 22 people over three days amounts to a ridiculous sum of cash, as well all of my in laws are aware of.

My mil just responded to the email aying she doesn't understand the problem and why cant myself and my parents foot them bill..."god knows they have enough"!!. My FIL has actually just rung to apolagise for the woman!!!!

OP posts:
sleighBELLasringing · 08/12/2010 15:30

nextchapter, I think you are being very restrained and gracious in all of this.

Tell them £50 or whatever xyz you have asked for or they can go elsewhere. I think it is now time to get tough on them.

shongololo · 08/12/2010 15:32

i concur. How very rude!

Original poster
nextchapter · 08/12/2010 15:38

I think I will have to. Its been going on far too long now and I just want it sorted so I can start planning!

SIL2( unreasonable one) just emailed, could I also do chicken nuggets chips and beans on xmas day, her little darlings (3 and 5!!!) dont like turkey, beef, veg etc. FIRM NO TO THAT. SIL1 will eat it fine at 18mnths for heavens sake! As will mine and my sister's!!! Or is that unfair?

OP posts:
Eliza70 · 08/12/2010 15:39

I cannot beleive your MIL did that!!! I am horrified.

Original poster
nextchapter · 08/12/2010 15:41

SIL1 child i meant lol!

OP posts:
Original poster
nextchapter · 08/12/2010 15:42

Eliza I know, I can't believe it either, I mean she is a little over controlling sometimes but she is normally ok! DH thinks she feels pushed out/in competition with my family for some ridiculous reason. The only person pushing her out is herself

OP posts:
mousymouse · 08/12/2010 15:49

I love your FIL!

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 08/12/2010 15:54

Rockbird: I don't think the poster was actually slated last year, nor called all the names under the sun. Most people thought it would be rude of her to charge her guests for Christmas lunch.

This is because she invited them. Also, they were just coming for one meal, iirc.

SantaIsMyLoveSlave · 08/12/2010 16:35

Email your MIL back and say "yes, but they don't like you or your family (although they have a soft spot for FIL) so I can't really ask them to pay for you..."

Heck, Christmas is going to be strained enough as it is; how much worse could you make things...? Grin

girlywhirly · 08/12/2010 16:38

How did I know SIL2 was going to ask you to cook something different for her kids? Well, you aren't going to have time or room in your kitchen to mess about.

I think MIL has a real inferiority complex, she can't bear the thought of your parents having a lovely time at yours and needs to be there too because she will miss out and they will have had something she hasn't. If there was no competition between your parents and ILs (except in MILs head,) there will certainly be an atmosphere now.

Is there any way you could entertain the ILS and families for only one day or even only one meal without them contributing? Then it is up to those who wish to come whether they do or not, and doesn't exclude FIL who is in a difficult position. With any luck SIL and BIL2 will decline!

SantasENormaSnob · 08/12/2010 16:41

I really think you should uninvite them after that email.

The cheeky bitch.

Bet your dh is mortified.

I am truly disgusted at the way some behave.

Original poster
nextchapter · 08/12/2010 16:46

Santa, i would love to do that but the kids are so looking forward to it plus the effects of un-inviting would be awful. I have just sent back saying either bring one of the items or donate £50 or dont bother coming as it wouldn't be fair on those who have contributed. Well, but in politer tones! DH has also rang his brothers and is going round to MIL tonight to have it out with her as it really is unacceptable

OP posts:
ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 08/12/2010 16:55

Unacceptable is one way of putting it!

Am pleased your DH is going to talk to her but your FIL needs to develop some backbone too.

I don't envy you! Xmas will be interesting.

shongololo · 08/12/2010 17:08

Furious on your behalf.

I would be tempted to forward the email to MIL, & copy SILs along the lines of....

"you cannot imagine the hurt and offence you have caused with this email.

I have opened my home and my heart to you this Christmas, to join us in celebration with my family. I have asked for a modest contribution to the cost of laying on 3 days of food for 22 people, only to have it thrown back in my face with people refusing to contribute and others making demands for alternative meals on days when I will be up to my eyeballs in food preparation.

I am not running a hotel.

I have gritted my teeth through all this rudeness until I received your email. You suggestion that my family pick up tab for your family is outrageous to say the least, and a total abuse of our hospitality.

If you feel you cannot contribute positively and joyfully to our celebrations, please feel free to make your own alternate plans.

You are ost welcome in our home, welcome to celebrate Christmas as a large happy family, but I will not tolerate this rudeness and lack of consideration.

yours etc.

maltesers · 08/12/2010 17:11

When you get married you have the MIL in you life. . .i am afraid. Ask her to bring stuff too, i.e. crackers, deserts, wine, table cloths, whatever.

christmaswishes · 08/12/2010 17:11

Hi Nextchapter,

I think that their probably will be a atmosphere. Could you not just invite them for christmas day? but dont have them staying over as it will be awkward for three days having to put up with them.

The email she sent you back is rude and disrespectful. In some ways I can identify with your situation about competing etc with the family but in my case it is my mum that is like this. My husbands family are well off where as my mum isnt wealthy but then she still lives in a nice area etc . I think they just think the well off one can pay which obvioualy is unacceptable.

I would be annoyed that she expected your parents to pay and actually not only thought it but actually said it, it is v cheeky.

What do you normally do at christmas? what have you done in previous years?

x

Original poster
nextchapter · 08/12/2010 17:26

Well they only within around half an hour of us so they are actually staying at home on xmas eve which is a relief but are still coming for dinner.

Normally we go to my parents and theirs on boxing day but with the kids being older this year we thought it would be easier for us to stay at ours to avoid rushing them away from their presents etc and thought it would be nicer for them. The plan was then to have MIL over on boxing day, potentially with my parents as they do get along quite well...usually!
But once MIL got wind of us staying at home it turned into this farce and she invited herself and then emailed me to say she had also invited DH brothers and grandma as well.

DH is putting his foot down tonight and being very firm, so hopefully he shall resolve it. I really don't think I am being unreasonable asking for either 50 pounds or the contributions.

STRESSED!!

OP posts:
ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 08/12/2010 17:34

I think that jokey email is perfect.

people need to know what is expected before they arrive.
Don your hard hat and watch out for incoming fire!

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 08/12/2010 17:47

shongololo's email is fab but it needs to come from your DH. It is HIS family disrespecting both of you and your home. HE needs to get that message across.

Original poster
nextchapter · 08/12/2010 17:53

I couldn't agree more! Needless to say it will be expressing that tonight. And SIL2 can take a running jump if she thinks i'm serving nuggets on xmas day. Her kids will just have to lump it

OP posts:
sleighBELLasringing · 08/12/2010 18:24

Make sure your DH is firm and do not let him be talked around.