Ridiculous christmas...HELP!

[nextchapter]

Hi, I have 4DC all under 7, myself and my DH are, to be fair, reasonably well off, however this christmas we have my parents, my sister and her DH and 2 DC (aged 2 and a newborn), my PIL and DH grandmother, DH brother and wife plus 2 DS (five and three) and DH other brother and wife and DS (18mnths). This is 22 people all together. Plus they are all staying over which means forking out for extra air beds and bedding etc.

I only wanted my parents and sister, but once MIL got wind of it, well I didn't stand a chance! I am also feeding them all on xmas eve ( though they aren't staying thank god) and on boxing day, until after lunch.

Would it really be inapproiate to ask for a small cash donation, around £50 per family, off them? I mean its costing a small fortune. My parents who are well off have offered to pay half but frankly I feel this is unfair and whilst I know that my family and myself and my husband are better off than my in laws I still feel a little like I am being taken for a ride?

All views are helpful!

If you are feeling devilish, remember just after lunch on 25th to ask, " Which of you will be hosting us all next year ?"

and focus attention on MiL :)

i am having a friend with her son over for christmas dinner, she asked if i wanted her to contribute anything. i know she is on an extremely low income, so i have asked her to bring cocktail sausages and streaky bacon for the pigs in blankets, and she is bringing a bottle of wine. seems perfectly fair to me.

Excellent way of putting it Yuleno.
If you can do it in a group email NC, so much the better then when the (nice, primed)relatives 'reply to all' it might give the others a kick up the arse!

Don 't say 'however small' - some fucker will bring a packet of Ritz crackers and eat all your food and drink your booze.

I would prefer to have money so that I could buy the food and then just put the money back in my bank account after Christmas

However, people can be funny about money so I'd probably ask them to bring specific items like 10 bottles of wine/a cheeseboard with ten types of cheeses etc.

This requires ovaries of steel though as if you then don't have it you can't serve it. At that point affect an air of nonchalance and drink gin while lounging about

Seriously I would play up the 'ball breaking woman who works and doesn't pamper her son' cliche that your daft mother in law has ascribed to you and just sit about drinking gin. If the silly cow says anything your own family are bound to jump in and sit on her.

I like YuleKno's way of putting it too.

And I also think you should consider NetworkGuy's suggestion of asking who's hosting next year.

I would have a serious rethink about asking for a cash contribution. I know it works in some families, but it doesn't seem to be that sort of setup here with your ILs. They've invited themselves (I presume, although you didn't say exactly how this all came about), and your MIL has let it be known that they're expecting the red carpet treatment. I think at the very least you must hand the dealing with "who's bringing what" over to your DH. Otherwise they'll just blame you and hate you forever.

I think you have to have a look at how much control you want and how much you are prepared to give up. Would you actually want to have Christmas at someone else's house next year?

If so, ask everyone to bring booze and bedding, pay for the rest yourself and ask over dessert who's doing it next year.

If in fact you'd rather do it, email all the wives asking for help with red wine, white wine, port, prosecco, cheeses, desserts, whatever. Be specific but not as far as brand or they will think you are a nutter control freak!

If 9it would never happen, but if) mt DB and his wife or either of my other SIls asked us for Christmas then i would be on the phone saying I'll bring 12 bottles of wine food - what do you want?

Yes email SIL1 and ask if she can bring (example) 6 bottles of white wine
SIL2 - email her and ask for 4 different types of chees
(enough for 22) then email MIl and say
SIls are bringing x,y,z please could you bring pudding.

Tell them what you expect them to provide - alcohol, chocolates, chestnuts or whatever.

Tell everyone they'll be sleeping on floors and must bring their own bedding.

Before anyone arrives decide what needs to be done and assign areas - kitchen duty, furniture moving, kids entertainment etc, so your mum prepares spuds, MIL prepares carrots, etc.

I have an aunt with many many children; all grown up now with their own families. She often has 22 for lunch; at Xmas it can be over 40! BUT everyone is expected to pitch in and do stuff.

She has people helping out in the kitchen - prepping, cooking, washing up etc; people sorting out tables and chairs; people sorting out kids. Lots of movement between rooms/garden. She and my uncle are in charge and all questions are directed to them. It's fantastically sociable.

It breaks the ice if you've got people all working together. Pretend you're a general ordering troops.

You definitely shouldn't foot all the bill and it sounds as tho you'll have to outright ask them to contribute before they will.

I think the group email idea comes across best. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable asking for cash but I think it's reasonable to ask for specific items.

That is what I wish I'd done when we did xmas for both sides of the family a couple of years ago. Actually, what we did was bought, paid, cooked and washed up everything ourselves

Never again.

Have to say I would NEVER ask for cash from guests - there was a thread on here about it maybe a year ago, and frankly I was at the thought, but would DEFINITELY ask for large contributions in kind. The hosts provide the main protein IMO but otherwise, just ring them up and say 'For Christmas Day would you like to bring the pudding, the cake, the stuffing, the wine or the cheese? Any two of those would be fine. And a box of biscuits for Christmas Eve as well perhaps.' And of course their own bedding.

they are dhs family - tell him to grow a pair and tell em

In some families it would be odd, and a bit off to ask for cash, especially if you are not actually very very poor, and you have prob been to theirs for dinner as well.

My in laws have invited themselves for dinner at our house (not 3 days though!) and have all kinds of expectations that I am not planning to fulfil (am not British, so was not planning on horrid mince pies, horrid Christmas pudding that nobody I know likes anyway, or even Turkey).

I have bought some FAB food at Lidl, great party food as well as venison (at
Lidl.. really! and nice quality too) and bottles of good sparkly, and cheapo mulled wine (fab also).

Buying everything at Lidl means I have more than HALVED the cost, so I can easily afford to have them!

If they don't like my continental Christmas it's tough, being British they would be too polite to complain, and then they can do it at their house next year.

HTH....?

A few years back when I did Christmas, I made everyone drink shots of frozen vodka in between glasses of champagne. Nobody remembers the food (pasta! I was shameless) but still talk about how drunk we got and what a laugh it was. Ah....but that was pre children...

Just be confident to be yourself, be a good host and hunt for bargains and be creative(food shopping on this scale at Tesco, Waitrose or Sainsbo's would be madness).

If you ask for cash, you will spoil the goodwill created by your generosity to have them all over! You CAN ask them to bring some mince pies, or wine, or similar though.

like someone said, go hunting for your ovaries of steel!

Send a list of what you want and tell them to sort out among themselves who's going to bring what. 12 tons brussels sprouts, 140kilos spuds etc.

Whatever you do - and I think a group email is best - be assertive. Don't phrase it in a self-pitying or passive aggressive manner. That sets up conflict from the start. Yuno's suggestion was absolutely spot on, as you're giving out the message that you're expecting people to be responsible and fair.

good luck with that. You sound like you've got things under control......

Thanks everyone! This has been really helpful! I think the group email is the best way to go. And needless to say me and DH will be sitting down tonight and discussing what we shall be asking them to provide, be it food and or cash.

I would ask DH to send the email....but you know what men are like, no idea of the cost! He probably would think some Ritz crackers and cocktails sausages are alright, if only to get the discussion over and done with! I also think I will definatlely go through the SILs, I am reasonable close to one of them, and although one of them is slightly stand-offish, surely she will bow to the peer pressure of a group email?!

Chandon, if you are playing host, however reluctantly, why wouldn't you try to get things your guests would like? I don't understand that. Unless of course you're not wanting them to come back next year!

nextchapter, I think you have to tread carefully here. Clearly MIL and the rest of the brood have invited themselves, but some people find it unspeakably rude to mix money with hospitality of the family kind. If you want to make a point of this because you didn't really want them there, definitely ask for the money, otherwise I would ask for a contribution to the food. I would personally offer either if I was coming to yours, but when you don't get anyone offering anything, to keep the peace, the best thing would be to ask for the thing that would cause the least pronounced catsbumface (and that would be the food/drink contribution)!

If you insist on asking for the money, I think £50 is just about acceptable, but nothing more than that. £75 (without drinks ) is too much by miles.

Oh, and if you want to read the similar thread from last year to gauge the kind of reaction you may get, it's here.

With 13 adults, you could divide the Christmas dinner labour between the sexes, as my cousins did. All the ladies prepared and cooked, and then after, the men made coffee for them and they retired to the lounge while the men did all the clearing, washing up etc. This also included wiping the cooker, emptying the bin, cleaning the sink and giving the floor the once over. Then they could have their coffee.

All families contributed towards the food and drink, and also loaned extra chairs, glasses, crockery and pans.

I would make it clear that everyone will be pitching in and helping as well as providing food and drink and their own bedding and towels. It only works if everyone helps.

Girlywirly and Taintedsnow you have both been a massive help...as has everyone else on this thread! It is a sensitive area, and I don't want Christmas to have any resentment in the air. I might test out the water will one of my SIL (the least touchy one!) who I get along the best with and go from there!

And as for Girlywirly's idea of division of labour, I will definately be doing that!!! Except I'll put my Dad on the girl's team...he's an amazing cook!

How come the poster in a similar situation last year who asked if asking for a £25pp contribution was slated and called all the names under the sun?

I think it is a bit off to ask your relatives for a monetary contribution to the meals. If you've invited them then as the host you need to cover the cost. Asking them to bring a specific item of food or drink is fine though.

If I was one of your relatives coming to yours for Christmas I would offer a monetary contribution to the meals, however, the etiquette I think lies on the relatives to instigate this.

Asking your relatives to bring some bedding etc is fine. I don't think it is right for you to have to fork out money for air beds etc.

My Mum has loads of people over and we allhave to bring something - crackers, pudding, veg, booze etc.

Think that would be better than asking for money