Fellatio's thread for a Poncetastic Christmas.

[FellatioNelson]

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

raffia and gingham ribbons and so forth we can do

I suspect the contents may well be a disappointment after all the effort that goes into the wrapping.

Unless of course I make everyone I know an ickle Christmas cake to wrap up

Glad to hear they work well in RL MrsT

I always go overboard on wrapping and have in the past heard DH warning DBiL to comment on the wrapping

Little bells in the bow are loved by the DCs in our famly

TigerFeet I think childish potato stamped decorations would be charming so long as you stick to a naive rustic theme and don't mix and match with sexy glamorous stuff. That would look shite. I favour the dual tree approach: One for the cuddly lovely random homemade stuff, (Sarah Raven/Kirsty Allsopp) and one for the ever-so-slightly- control freak. (Me)

My Mum said to me once "Your presents are so beautifully wrapped" - no comment on the contents - but that's OK by me, they look lovely under my tree until pressie doling out time. I shove all the non matching presents we are given before the big day to the back

MrsT How the flying fuck did you even FIND that?

Newspaper is groovy for wrapping stuff and trimming with raffia. Especially the FT.

Not the Sun. OK? that wouldn't do the trick.

I wish the next book would be called, "Nigella's Bucket"

It would be a great pun on the bouquet of herbs which goes into it.

I'm just coming out a 'jewels of the orient' phase, in favour of baubles that are deliberately distressed to look 50 years old. Trouble is, they look gorgeous on their own but they don't really 'sing' on the tree. It's a dilemma. Truly.

ahaha @ x post on Christmas tree/present control freakery

Good point about the clash of present styles. Only room for one tree sadly. I need to put some more thought into the overall feel of the present/tree/decoration theme for this year.

It's good to start this sort of thing before the end of September. It takes time to make this sort of decision.

So if we only have room/budget for one tree, what is the ultimate look to go for, people? We need a tree that is all things to all men. The little black dress of trees.

I am considering imprisoning my parents until they find the baubles they had when I was a child. I know they have them somewhere.

They were dangerously fragile things which H&S would never allow these days.

I want them. And the tree lights all Quality-Street coloured.

It isn't extreme, it is important.

chutney made
pink grapefruit marmalade next week
pompoms made last year in grey and bright blue stored from last year for front door
alliums dried and awaiting silver spray
Delia Xmas cake next month
Pre Christmas drinks party date booked with friends
french ribbon and raffia aplenty
presents wrapped in tissue paper
pondering goose - but whats the maximum number a large one would feed?

dislike gold - this is a cold, icy, winter colours house

Poncetastic? I can give you poncey. I am delivering myself to my mother for Christmas. I have been away for 5 years and am heading back home.

Should I wrap myself in nice red paper with baubles and holly attached in an a la Martha Stewart fashion?

Hmm it's tricky isn't it? Anything remotely tasteful just doesn't stand out and it's hard to avoid the "tipped a box of tinsel and associated crap over the top" look when one has small children who wish to help. At least dd1 has grown out of the hanging-all-the-baubles-in-one-spot-at-the-front phase.

I may have to view some Christmas tree porn and get back to you.

Geese are a bit crap TBH. They are seriously Poncestastic, it's true, but so little meat on them, and not much decent jiuce for gravy - only pints and pints of fat. Fine if you are two, but if you cater for the masses a goose will give you a nervous breakdown. Embrace the free-range bronze/black turkey. You know it makes sense. Have a goose on NYE if you must.

my perfect tree:

MASSIVE
in the living room surrounded by tastefully wrapped presents ( yy to naff ones hidden at the centre )
white lights
our collection of decorations from many years, many travels, children's past efforts - a real mishmash but all have meaning and memories
sprayed silver alliums aplenty

My mum always liked a tasteful tree. My sister, aged 4, helped decorate it one year. My mum had her posh friends round for afternoon tea and one of them politely pointed out my mother's decorations were unique and thought provoking. She took it as a compliment, it was only when they left she noticed 3 tampons dangling artfully from the branches.

Fellatio google images christmas tree themes

this one you could put up in october :o

I'm a hider of dodgy looking present too! And the DS's get their fix of poundland/dodgy beautiful decorations made at school in their bedroom!

I know where your coming from with the not singing, I worry my tree might lokk slightly dull this year!

DH was 6 months old on his first Christmas and his father bought fairy lights and hung them round his cot. We have them now and although very delicate still work , we put them on the mantle wreath and only have them on for an hour an evening. They are little plastic bells in all colours and have little pimples on the bells.

I think heirloom fairy lights are poncetastic.

HowsTheSerenity aw that's lovely. May I suggest a red ikea fleece made into a poncho and reindeer antlers . There WILL be tears ( of happiness )

Mists I've spent the past 5 years telling my parents its time they bought new decorations, now I really really neeeeeed their decorations!!

TigerFeet you are obviously a Novice Festive Ponce. Didn't anyone ever tell you our little control freakery tip? You allow the DC's to think they are doing the tree, then you rearrange it all after they have gone to bed. Or, for the few items that really require total removal, you do this: go to Wilko/Homebase (whatever the current equivalent of Woolworths is) and buy them a very small crap fake tree, and put it in their bedroom and tell them they can decorate their OWN tree in any crap haphazard fashion they like. They will be very happy and so will you. Job done.

Dear Santa,
For my Christmas present this year please can I have an enormous Victorian house with large rooms and high ceilings and bay windows. Enough reception rooms to have a playroom for the dd's would be nice, so they can decorate their own horrible tacky tree in there, a dining room in which I could have my tastefully sparkling tree and a living room which would have a more rustic affair not too far from the roaring log fire.

I have been a very good girl

YOur friend

TigerFeet

xx

lol Fellatio, I have done that before but last year dd1 was 5 and she a)noticed and b)protested so I'm not sure it will work. She has her own tree, but insists on the same sparkly mismatching shite on both. I need to put my foot down, don't I? After all, Christmas isn't about children, it's about me decorating my house to my own standards.

My Grandpas died in 1997 and when it came to divvying up his belongings all my sister wanted was Grandma and Grandpa's Christmas decorations. I thought she was a bit barking at the time, but now I SOOOO want them.

She is the least poncetastic person ever, She only wanted them for the memories - the fool. (OK, so I'm the shallow one. let's get over it and move on) but now I could kill her for them. They are absolutely ancient, all fragile, yummy faded paper bells and robins and such like that open up concertina stylee, and properly faded vintage baubles, and multi-coloured petal shaped fairy lights circa 1965.

Hi can I join you please
I too am in the unenviable position of house of cream and duck egg blue. However MarionCole has taken a lovely photograph of my tree from last year!
That photo was actually my inspiration for my tree.
DH and I nearly came to blows when he carefully draped it with tinsel after I had artfully arranged in quarters. Tinsel...I ask you.

TigerFeet - can I please live in the matching house next door to you. That would be my dream

My friend, who is a very laid back boho/trendy type lets her kids put all manner of shite on the tree and it always looks charm, and trad, yet hip. I go home and look at mine and it looks a bit contrived and suburban in comparison.

I need the secret to the holy grail of trees.