Fellatio's thread for a Poncetastic Christmas.

[FellatioNelson]

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

[MarionCole]

$107?? Fuck me, I could make some money here

[MarionCole]

Try again

[MistsAndMellow]

Dammit OP I have been waiting all year for a Poncetastic thread so that I could say something like the second poster on this one

[FellatioNelson]

I wasn't here in 2008 MAM but that OP on your link was clearly a woman after my own heart.

[whomovedmychocolate]

I have just bought a food dehydrator so I have found a new way to preserve lemons/oranges too so I suspect I may well have to incorporate preserved fruit in the melange of ponceyness.

And I organised the christmas dinner last month so you are all lazy slatterns for leaving it this late!

[MarionCole]

Turkey or goose?

[geordieminx]

Loving this thread. Am working this year so need to be super organized this year.

Nigellas turkey in the brine bath is well worth doing if you are considering it, as are her star topped mince pies

[whomovedmychocolate]

Beef actually. I am not keen on either.

[LowLevelWhiingeing]

arf, Phillippe, forget the felt Christmas puds, I'm going for the full on hand-crafted festive Stephen Hawking

[trumpton]

I knitted these littlecottonrabbits.typepad.co.uk/free_knitting_patterns/mini_knitted_christmas_stockings/ a few years ago and hung them from mantlepiece. Could also be advent type hangers but there is NO way i would knit 24 of them. But really satisfying to do .

[whomovedmychocolate]

Incidentally does anyone have a recipe for very hard biscuits - I have promised to make DD big iced gems for her birthday - except I can't find my recipe for the bases.

[MistsAndMellow]

It's a fantastic thread - I've saved it

Oh I wish we could recover the one about the Poncetastic family who rowed along the river on Christmas Day to deliver gifts to their neighbours.

It descended into a glorious festival of piss-taking and hilarity. Does anyone know if it was saved?

I've already bought cornflour for the potatoes from Waitrose if that lets me into the club...

[Hassled]

Now this is my kind of thread :o

A few months ago I told DH I wasn't cooking, I wasn't hosting, we were going to a hotel. Now I seem to be catering for poncetastic Big Gay Brother and his lovely partner, all four DCs, DH, me, Ex-DH, Ex-DH's fiance, possibly DH's parents. It will be a riot.

And I can't possibly get through it without a food dehydrator. Now I know they exist, I want one.

[Hassled]

MistsandMellow - I do remember that thread - the rowing nutters were initially featured in a newspaper article about their lovely lovely house which featured lots of lovely lovely driftwood. It was brilliant :o.

[whomovedmychocolate]

Lakeland £50. Only online all the stores are out of stock.

[mrspear]

I love it :) count me in ... i will be classy this year ... no more wilko's!

[LowLevelWhiingeing]

They are cute trumpton. Sadly my hands are too clammy to sew

Ex-DH and Ex DH'sW??! how very modern!

A question for the experts here:

You know when you make biscuits for the tree? Well, do they not go all manky and rank? Or can you eat them at some point?

[MistsAndMellow]

Thanks Hassled I do remember the driftwood and I'm very glad that I'm not the only one. Oh it was wonderful. PonceyMcPoncy of the clan McPoncy they were...

[trumpton]

AND I am thinking of following Marney in giving my family some gentle hints on how to help like this 4th story down entitled Thanksgiving letter.

[Treats]

Oooh, ooh, ooh. I've found some fellow travellers!

I have already made the Christmas chutney (note the 'the' there) and have bought the yarn to knit DD a stocking. I've got card and present lists already and (following a pompom making workshop at work today) am thinking about using up some of my leftover knitting yarn to make either a decorative pompom garland for decorations, or to add a decorative flourish to gifts.

Very excited about Christmas already........

[FellatioNelson]

Excuse me GreenLotus if you mention Wilko again I shall be forced to ex-communicate you from my thread without further ado. At least pretend to be a Festive Ponce.

For Baby Jesus's sake.

[Northernlurker]

Right well I'm on the outlook for new garlands to add to my collection that I drape round the bannisters and oh so artfully allow to hang down just a little. Currently the colour scheme is deep russet and gold.

I will be making my own pudding to my grandmothers ancient recipe. I will be buying a turkey from the farm shop (heavens preserve us from the frozen dried out horor mil dished up a couple of years ago) and I will be making Nigellas cake and rough icing it then situating models of appropriate animals au naturel in the 'snow' 2008 featured a polar bear striding across an iceberg. Last year had mummy dear and baby dear - this year - an arctic fox family? Who knows....maybe a mooose or two.

[Northernlurker]

Oh dear lord that's DEER not dear

[Hassled]

Can we at this early stage come to a unanimous agreement that all Christmas tree decorations should be only red and gold? Can we agree that blue and pink are a travesty and not in the spirit of poncetastic festivities at all?

[MistsAndMellow]

Quite right. I have it on good authority that the Baby Jesus grizzles endlessly at the mere mention of the Pound Shop and becomes inconsolable when the 99p shop is brought up because he feels the pain of the under-age workers and the cost to His beloved planet.

When he reads posts such as the latest from Treats he beams!