Fellatio's thread for a Poncetastic Christmas.

[FellatioNelson]

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

But poncey ribbon can definitely be saved a re-used next year, whereas those silly shiny rosette things that never stick properly can't, really - not without you looking mean or mad.

No, you are right Sue. I came to my senses just in time thankfully.

Yuno - you are SO one of us. Get over yourself.

Bucharest I've got lots to catch up on with this thread, but don't worry, I'll give you a if you are getting it all wrong.

BlackBag - another sprout wreath for your perusal.
Am listening to December's Homes & Antiques Christmas CD. Tis v.festive - just missing a Drambuie to go with. However being in the office, this wouldn't be tolerated
Might go for the first Christmas DVD tonight to help make the ironing more palatable. Scrooge with Albert Finney I think - I know it's naff, but I love it

I've bought a 'vintage print' paper chain kit from ....taaa daaaa...Chatsworth House. Get me.

Am I in the gang?

Starting to think about my Christmas village as well now. Its got a light up church, a shop, a chimney sweep with a ladder, wrought iron railings, a little girl skating. Oh I could go on for ever. Not the most tasteful of my possessions, but poncetastic? Oh yes.

Admit it, you're jealous

Oooh Chatsworth is quite local to me when I'm not here in the Arse End of Europe...have they got their lights up yet follyfoot?

I've just been looking at the Vintage paper chain kits on ebay...I think dd would love them. I might go vintage/retro wrap this year (for the presents that aren't going Cox and Cox reindeer.)

I get my brown paper from WH Smith - a huge roll for only a couple of pounds.

Hi everyone, I've been merrily lurking since I first posted, soaking up the ambiance but not quite daring to post. But I have just read the Christmas issue of Homes and Gardens and want to join in again. So:

Given our front door is about as crappy looking as it could be, I can't hang a wreath there. The magazine suggests hanging them in front of a mirror - anyone tried this? And do the needles drop everywhere in the heat?

Also: Christmas candles. Last year I bought the pine one from Crabtree and Evelyn and it was delicious, so plan to get that again. What else smells good and festive?

Most fresh foliage suffers in central heating if it has no water source to keep it alive, so not something to be put up early. Yes berries will shrivel and drop off, some things like holly curl, and fir will drop if it isn't from a non-drop variety. I would suggest not putting it up more than a week before Christmas.

Couldn't you hang a fresh wreath next to your front door, which is what I do? In my case, it's because the door is half glazed and a wreath would prevent the light getting into our rather dark hall.

girly, thanks for the advice - if it'll last a week that's great!

We live in a tiny one-bed flat (the bedroom is quite literally the size of a double bed, walled in on three sides!). So I am really enjoying this thread and imagining that you all live in beautiful snow-covered mansions with holly bushes on the driveway (you do, don't you? Don't spoil my imagination!). But I am, er, limited in what we can do! There's nowhere really to hang it next to the front door, though there is a little hook on the back of the door and if it were a small wreath, it might be able to go there without hanging over the letter box. We'll see!

So do you put artificial berries on yours to make up for the real ones dropping?

How I will bask in the warmth from my families smiles when they remember
Ponstastic Christmas 2010 the Year of the Sprout.

I drag in half the garden and drape it artistically round and about the lintels and miscalaneous shit. I tend to forage if there's good weather up to 6-10 days in advance and leave as a festive trip hazard outside until it goes up in fits and starts during the week before christmas. There are never enough berries and nature does n't really do glitter so clumps of baubles liven the shrubbery effect up somewhat.

This will be my first year of legume arrangements so any advice welcomed.

LittleRedDragon, yes you can use artificial berries, although I did this with an outside wreath, and the birds tried to eat them! Would definitely use them indoors, safer if you have pets and children who might eat the fallen real berries. You might be able to get a small plain ready made wreath (fir only) from a florist, and decorate it yourself with ribbons and baubles, etc. They tend to make them with non-drop blue fir or similar, which just dries up in situ without needles dropping. Very good for internal decorating and a bit longer lasting. I wouldn't hang a wreath in front of a mirror, though, they aren't that beautiful at the back and you may see that reflected in the mirror!

Don't get too carried away - I live in a '70's house with no fireplace, not the traditional Christmas house. It was snow covered last year though.

The birds always used to eat the rosehips we put on the outdoor wreath at my mum's - we reckoned it should be one of their treats and replaced them every few days.

I hadn't thought about the back of the wreath - might try making a double-sided one (I've done that before, when we had one hanging up instead of a kissing bunch in the middle of our hallway. It's the gorgeous smell I'm really after, though, so I am sure I will manage it somewhere!

What would you like to know, BlackBag, about arranging legumes?

I have been reading this thread since Sunday.

Despite being late to the party let me assure you that I take Christmas very seriously indeed. Just to set the scene, I live in a Victorian house with bay windows,high ceilings, wooden floors, fireplaces etc. Infact the year we bought this house I was the only person in the chain who insisted that we had to move before Christmas as I just couldn't wait to experience Christmas in such an appropriate setting. To further add to my ponstastic creditentials, I own and regularly use, fish knives, sugar tongs and grape scissors. Not to mention candle snuffer and wick trimmers.

I've already got the house ready for winter with lots of candles, throws and winter curtains and cushions. The furniture has been rearranged to accommodate the trees and I have some twigs and berries about the place along with bowls of satsumas and nuts. I always think it is a shame that such lovely things are only on display for a few weeks so I like to start early. Over the coming weeks I will add more bits and pieces like the lovely faux red poinsettias (despite being fake they really are stunning). On the 1st Dec up goes the advent calendar (cloth in shape of christmas tree bought for DH on our 1st Christmas as a married couple 18 years ago, so practically an heirloom) and the door wreath. After that I gradually work my way aroud the house decorating each room until the main tree (I have 3) goes up about 7-10 days before Christmas.

Today I bought an advent candle which the children love to light each night before bed. We have a Christmas Treasury Book which contains stories and traditions from around the world. I like to read them the stories every night whilst the advent candle flickers away.

Tomorrow I am going to buy festive washing up liquid, kitchen roll etc. I also have to buy 2 pyramid shape box trees for either side of my front door along with some white lights, possibly solar, to go on them. Not sure if I should adorn each pot with a large red ribbon?

I'm no Constance Spry so we're really looking at a rough and ready approach.

If time allows I might make the felt version but I shall certainly do a fresh version -3 days in advance?. I'll add a few snail shells to the mix and maybe some ooglie eyes. So that needs thin wire - not sure where from, wreath circle perhaps, must engage brain and start making lists.

When terribly poor, one year we had nothing but a heavily glittered decorative cabbage, took us ages in January to track down where the fetid, musty smell was coming from.

Can I join in? We obviously grow our own sprouts on our organic allotment (naturally) but I must be lacking in the poncetastic stakes as it's never yet occurred to me to add them to the hand-made wreath fashioned using holly and ivy collected by the children from our nearby common. I need to catch up in teh poncetastic stakes! Perhaps I can gain extra points by sharing some of my more typical preparations?

-stud satsumas with cloves in Tudor style and tie them up with red or gold ribbon to create the correct Christmas scented ambience
-choose my stamps from noolibird for making Christmas cards and paper (sorry if we're not allowed to post links, I have nothing to do with them at all, I promise, but their stamps are so lovely and deserve to be shared. The gold on orange combination is especially good.
-I spend around 3 days making Nigella's christmas tree biscuits (only hers have the correct combination of spices that smell so heavenly and Christmassy); this year I shall make only star shapes and decorate with silver balls, edible glitter and white icing.
-Weed out all the distasteful/multi-coloured/tinselly/non-vetted christmas tree decorations and present them to the DDs so they can decorate their own room (far far away from the tree or adult living areas).

How am I doing so far? There's lots more to come.

Festive Washing Up Liquid?

Fark - I've been overthrown. There had been a ponce coup

Jacaqueen and Staranise you have made my meagre attempts at ponciness seem quite inaqequate.

My DH already thinks I am going OVER THE TOP, I now have to go and tell him that we should be changing our curtains with the seasons and that my crappy studded oranges have to be reattempted.

www.mumsnet.com/te/7.gif

Must up my game, maybe I should give up work?

I should also read instruction on how to insert smileys better.

When DH pulls that face just ask him

"What would Father Christmas do?"

star, that sounds incredibly poncetastic!

I made studded oranges when I was little one time, and there was an incredibly complicated mix of spices and powdered orris root (!) you had to leave them to sit in while they dried out. It had cinnamon and other nice-smelling things in. I found that the ones we made of satsumas were just too squishy and went rotten though - how does one avoid that? And is the complicated spice mix really necessary (I'm balking at the expense)?

Btw, your post reminded me of making candied kumquats to take home for Christmas in my first term of university, on the single boiling ring we had in our corridor kitchen. Every time I got the sugar boiling I had about 5 minutes until the smoke alarm went off - oh, I was not popular!

They were yummy though.

Oh goodness, the sad thing is, I didn't even realise they were considered to be poncey until I saw this thread (okay, it's been pointed out to me before that baking your own Christmas tree decorations is slightly on the crunchy side). Obviously my expensive spice mix comes from a little family-run shop in the old town of Barcelona that has been roasting its own spices and nuts for 200 years and is very reasonable.

I use clementines and dry them out slightly, preferably in your enormous airing-cupboard (I sadly don't have one) or low oven over-night though if you sit them on a radiator they will last a couple of weeks and smell delicious.

This year I will also be drying out orange and lemon slices for making decorative christmas bundles and wreaths, all tied up with cinnamon sticks and bay leaves.

I don't really like any bought christmas decorations unless they are very very expensive (think stuffed robins and spun glass), though I will make an exception for the strings of silver beads and white tiny lights that drape the glossy, thick Christmas tree (real of course, but then you already knew that).

My only flaw in this plan (apart from not actually living inthe Georgian townhouse of my dreams) is DH who thinks Christmas isn't Christmas without tinsel. And the DCs, who don't care what goes up as long as it's tacky.

It's a constant battle.

Unfortunately I won't have time to knit my own stockings (too many guests but Debbie Bliss has a lovely pattern for anyone with more time) but I like the sound of crocheted snowflakes - does anyone know where the pattern can be found?

Yes give up paid employement. Planning a poncetastic Christmas is a full time job. I am so pleased to see that everyone on this thread is taking things seriously and realises there can be short meausures when it comes to poncy perfection.

M&S do a very nice festive spicy washing up liquid along with matching handsoap and hand cream if you so desire. I prefer a bar of L'occitaine cinnamon orange soap myself. They also sell festive toilet roll, kitchen towels and tissues. But be quick as they sell out fast.

Someone up the thread was asking about scented candles. I favour Winter by the White Company. It goes well with the clove studded oranges and cinnamon sticks I have lying around.

I'm already feeling anxious about finding the time to knit favoured family members cable-knit scarves in the softest cashmere and DH an ironic moss-stitch deep red tie.