Page 7 | Step daughter and new born

Worriedmom98 · 2025-04-19T22:23:20+00:00

Wanting peoples opinions, I have a 7 week old and my partner has a daughter to his ex partner who he pays plenty a month for - on our weekend to have her she’s come down with a sickness bug ( mother hadn’t informed us it was my step daughter that told us). I do not want me or my new born getting if can be prevented, with that my partner rang her and explained both of our worry’s this is the first time in 5 years we’ve ever had to do this, she proceeds to call him a sh*t dad and that we have to tell her ourselves “we don’t want her” and that she can’t believe we’re not having her. I understand she isn’t gonna be thrilled about our baby but do people not have any regard over a new borns health? she is now asking for an additional money of £20 to feed her for that evening meal and for meals the day after. I don’t want the argument but I also don’t want to put my new born at risk of a sickness bug if it can be prevented

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

beautyqueeen · 20/04/2025 08:09

God people are so stupid! Of course she stays home and visits when she’s better! She’s got d&v she’ll want to be at home, the mum obviously has other plans and wants rid why else would you force your unwell kid out of their bed to go stay with a newborn. How selfish can you get!

Can’t believe someone upthread actually said she should still come and dad just take her out, the hygiene levels of some people are just unbelievable 🤦🏽‍♀️

Matronic6 · 20/04/2025 08:11

My nephew recently had norovirus and was absolutely kept away from his newborn brother. He is only 4 and understood why he couldn't be around him.

If I was the ex I would be happy to just switch things around in this scenario.

Vworried1 · 20/04/2025 08:13

Matronic6 · 20/04/2025 08:11

My nephew recently had norovirus and was absolutely kept away from his newborn brother. He is only 4 and understood why he couldn't be around him.

If I was the ex I would be happy to just switch things around in this scenario.

Exactly . We don’t spread illness in our family because we take precautions . I’d absolutely segregate kids to keep them safe .

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 20/04/2025 08:13

fleetoriginal · 20/04/2025 07:58

I have exactly the same set up with my stepdaughter. We never considered requesting her to stay home with Mum when she was poorly, because we were hyper aware that this is a really crucial time where any small excuse would cause her to feel pushed out. They are teens whose hormones are flying anyway, and having a new sibling at that age is HARD.
I don’t know why you haven’t asked her for her thoughts, she’s told you she’s poorly, so that may well be her way of saying ‘I’m not up for visiting as I feel rough’. Let her choose!! That way she feels included and wanted but the pressure of rejection is off slightly, she can make the decision she wants.
Dad needs to politely inform ex that daughter had made x decision and here is some extra money if she isn’t coming to you. Ex will be extremely defensive, but the key to this situation is working together. You need to go out of your way to reassure ex with your actions that stepdaughter is still very much included and loved. Asking her to stay away is not showing that. But if daughter decides that herself, then decision done.
If daughter does come to you poorly, take extra cleaning measures and distance as you would with any other poorly household member. But do NOT ostracise her as this isn’t her fault, she is obviously aware enough to inform you anyway… and the sickness bug may well be in your house already, so there’s no point in stressing out!!
Congratulations on new baby but please be aware that this situation with such a big age gap is going to have constant dilemmas. You must must MUST not make step daughter feel the outsider. She has had her Dad her entire life and needs to feel that she still has him, regardless of strained relationships with ex.

Utter nonsense. What about DD herself ? Has anyone asked her if she wants to be shipped out to her dad’s when she feels like shit ? The fact that her mother is prepared to insist she go, despite knowing there’s a vulnerable newborn, and is focused on extra money if DD misses the visit speaks absolute volumes, and yet OP is the bad guy. OK then.

RampantIvy · 20/04/2025 08:15

beautyqueeen · 20/04/2025 08:09

God people are so stupid! Of course she stays home and visits when she’s better! She’s got d&v she’ll want to be at home, the mum obviously has other plans and wants rid why else would you force your unwell kid out of their bed to go stay with a newborn. How selfish can you get!

Can’t believe someone upthread actually said she should still come and dad just take her out, the hygiene levels of some people are just unbelievable 🤦🏽‍♀️

I agree.

The lack of common sense and ignorance about infection control on this thread is breathtaking.

And the "what ifs" are completely irrelevant.

Beachwaves127 · 20/04/2025 08:15

fleetoriginal · 20/04/2025 07:58

I have exactly the same set up with my stepdaughter. We never considered requesting her to stay home with Mum when she was poorly, because we were hyper aware that this is a really crucial time where any small excuse would cause her to feel pushed out. They are teens whose hormones are flying anyway, and having a new sibling at that age is HARD.
I don’t know why you haven’t asked her for her thoughts, she’s told you she’s poorly, so that may well be her way of saying ‘I’m not up for visiting as I feel rough’. Let her choose!! That way she feels included and wanted but the pressure of rejection is off slightly, she can make the decision she wants.
Dad needs to politely inform ex that daughter had made x decision and here is some extra money if she isn’t coming to you. Ex will be extremely defensive, but the key to this situation is working together. You need to go out of your way to reassure ex with your actions that stepdaughter is still very much included and loved. Asking her to stay away is not showing that. But if daughter decides that herself, then decision done.
If daughter does come to you poorly, take extra cleaning measures and distance as you would with any other poorly household member. But do NOT ostracise her as this isn’t her fault, she is obviously aware enough to inform you anyway… and the sickness bug may well be in your house already, so there’s no point in stressing out!!
Congratulations on new baby but please be aware that this situation with such a big age gap is going to have constant dilemmas. You must must MUST not make step daughter feel the outsider. She has had her Dad her entire life and needs to feel that she still has him, regardless of strained relationships with ex.

I fully agree with you

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 20/04/2025 08:18

OfNoOne · 20/04/2025 07:54

I can see SD's point. Her dad is an EOW dad with an occasional bonus dinner (wow, so much effort needed there) who considers a minimal financial contribution to be "plenty". She's feeling unwell and her dad's response is to refuse to let her come for her time with him. Not to discuss options, but just to say no. That's going to hurt. If he was otherwise a good dad who approached the situation sympathetically, that'd be one thing, but in this context he does come across as pretty shit in his treatment of her.

At 15, you could have involved her in considering the options and finding a solution. If you aren't letting her come to her home as previously agreed, of course you should contribute financially to the extra expenses incurred for her and her mum by your choices.

OP states DSC is there every other weekend and one day in the week for dinner - not “occasional bonus dinner”

you clearly feel that this is is not enough which you’re entitled to but don’t think objectively there is enough info to suggest he’s not a good dad or hasn’t approached the situation sympathetically. None of know how the conversation with DSC went. OP states that that this is the first time in 5 years they have had to rearrange so would appear he is quite consistent.

Re the money thing - I agree that the amount he is paying if £300 probably doesn’t touch the sides for raising a teenager but it is means tested for a reason. We don’t know what proportion of his wage is £300. My sisters ex pays £400pm for 3 kids! It’s not a race to the bottom but there’s story’s here of people paying nothing at all or hiding their wage / intentionally working less. For this family £300 may be plenty. I don’t think OP should be annoyed they’ve been asked to cough up another £20 and should do so willingly. OP has already said they will try and rearrange another date.

I don’t think it’s helpful to to have a hero and a villain in every story. Sometimes shit just happens (excuse the pun) and as adults we need to try and find a solution

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 20/04/2025 08:21

ProfessionalPirate · 20/04/2025 07:30

But the father’s priority is both of his children, not just the baby.

Assuming they don’t live in a bedsit, it should be easy enough to contain the infection and prevent a 15 year old from passing it onto anyone, especially a newborn baby who isn’t eating family meals or using bathrooms.

If the 15 year old came down with this after arriving at her dad’s house, or lived there full time, they’d have to just get on with it. It might have been considerate for the mum to have kept SD at home and swapped weekends, but she didn’t - that’s not the SD’s fault and there’s no way I would have sent her packing in the OP’s shoes.

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If the 15 year old came down with this after arriving at her dad’s house, or lived there full time, they’d have to just get on with it.

But she doesn’t, so they don’t. Says a lot that the mother is insisting her own daughter get out of a sick bed to go to her dads’ simply because it’s his weekend. Sounds like she has plans and her sick daughter is taking a back seat to them with seemingly no choice. But the criticism is reserved for the step parent. Typical MN.

JohnofWessex · 20/04/2025 08:24

No wonder his ex is his ex, she sounds a right charmer.

Irrespective of if there is a newborn in the home or not I suggest that there is a basic lack of responsibility shown by the step daughters mother.

If there is an infectious disease in her home - or indeed in the OP's home she should nog be coming

TheIceBear · 20/04/2025 08:24

How will the 15 year old feel if the newborn gets sick and ends up in hospital to get iv fluids?

consistentlyinconsistent · 20/04/2025 08:25

I can see why you'd think about doing this but I think you've made the wrong decision. I have 2 DSC and the only time we've had to cancel time with them is bc we (me and their DF) both had covid and v.bad (in bed, not eating, breathing issues). We discussed it with their mother and she agreed it's in the best interest of both households. Plus we didn't have complications of there being a new sibling - it was just me and my DH sweating in bed with our two cats wondering what the hell was going on, so. nothing for the kids to feel jealous of. We had them extra as soon as we were better. That's in 8 years of having them. In your situation I think either just suck it up - babies survive in households with kids all the time - or dad should have at the very least gone to see his child for the day and taken them out to somewhere fun.

TheIceBear · 20/04/2025 08:30

consistentlyinconsistent · 20/04/2025 08:25

I can see why you'd think about doing this but I think you've made the wrong decision. I have 2 DSC and the only time we've had to cancel time with them is bc we (me and their DF) both had covid and v.bad (in bed, not eating, breathing issues). We discussed it with their mother and she agreed it's in the best interest of both households. Plus we didn't have complications of there being a new sibling - it was just me and my DH sweating in bed with our two cats wondering what the hell was going on, so. nothing for the kids to feel jealous of. We had them extra as soon as we were better. That's in 8 years of having them. In your situation I think either just suck it up - babies survive in households with kids all the time - or dad should have at the very least gone to see his child for the day and taken them out to somewhere fun.

It would make far more sense for dad to plan a nice activity with his daughter when she is better to prevent it spreading across the 2 households. You aren’t supposed to be out and about when ill anyway to prevent it spreading to vulnerable people plus most people don’t feel like going anywhere when sick ?

Teaandtoastserveddaily · 20/04/2025 08:30

So presumably if she lived with you full time you'd send her elsewhere?

Your house is her home too. Jesus.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 20/04/2025 08:31

Maray1967 · 20/04/2025 07:36

But OP is being ridiculous as most of us deal with sickness bugs that our older DC bring home from nursery or school. Yes, I’d cancel a visit from wider family - but what OP and her DP are doing is treating the DD as though she’s a niece. She is not - she’s his DD and this is her home part of the time.

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So because she’s a SC the normal concerns about infection control can just be ignored ? We don’t even know what the bug is. Exposure to viruses causing D&V can be dangerous for newborns - they are much more vulnerable to the effects than older children or adults because they have smaller fluid reserves and a there’s a bigger risk of dehydration. I think it’s appalling that posters are advising OP to suck it up and expose her baby to sickness when there’s a choice to avoid it.

RampantIvy · 20/04/2025 08:31

consistentlyinconsistent · 20/04/2025 08:25

I can see why you'd think about doing this but I think you've made the wrong decision. I have 2 DSC and the only time we've had to cancel time with them is bc we (me and their DF) both had covid and v.bad (in bed, not eating, breathing issues). We discussed it with their mother and she agreed it's in the best interest of both households. Plus we didn't have complications of there being a new sibling - it was just me and my DH sweating in bed with our two cats wondering what the hell was going on, so. nothing for the kids to feel jealous of. We had them extra as soon as we were better. That's in 8 years of having them. In your situation I think either just suck it up - babies survive in households with kids all the time - or dad should have at the very least gone to see his child for the day and taken them out to somewhere fun.

Hard disagree here.

Do you not understand anything about infection control?

We don't know how many toilets the OP has, but if there is only one there is absolutely no way I would have someone with D and V in the house with one shared bathroom.

TheIceBear · 20/04/2025 08:31

Teaandtoastserveddaily · 20/04/2025 08:30

So presumably if she lived with you full time you'd send her elsewhere?

Your house is her home too. Jesus.

She has 2 homes. It’s about being sensible.

RampantIvy · 20/04/2025 08:31

Teaandtoastserveddaily · 20/04/2025 08:30

So presumably if she lived with you full time you'd send her elsewhere?

Your house is her home too. Jesus.

Irrelevant.

OfNoOne · 20/04/2025 08:32

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 20/04/2025 08:18

OP states DSC is there every other weekend and one day in the week for dinner - not “occasional bonus dinner”

you clearly feel that this is is not enough which you’re entitled to but don’t think objectively there is enough info to suggest he’s not a good dad or hasn’t approached the situation sympathetically. None of know how the conversation with DSC went. OP states that that this is the first time in 5 years they have had to rearrange so would appear he is quite consistent.

Re the money thing - I agree that the amount he is paying if £300 probably doesn’t touch the sides for raising a teenager but it is means tested for a reason. We don’t know what proportion of his wage is £300. My sisters ex pays £400pm for 3 kids! It’s not a race to the bottom but there’s story’s here of people paying nothing at all or hiding their wage / intentionally working less. For this family £300 may be plenty. I don’t think OP should be annoyed they’ve been asked to cough up another £20 and should do so willingly. OP has already said they will try and rearrange another date.

I don’t think it’s helpful to to have a hero and a villain in every story. Sometimes shit just happens (excuse the pun) and as adults we need to try and find a solution

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EOW and a dinner isn't very much. Unless there's a big backstory and it's the SD's preference, it's a pretty paltry amount of time with a parent. £300 might be what the dad can afford. It's still not "plenty", which is what the OP claims they consider it to be. Parents raise children on different incomes, but a low level of involvement plus a low level of financial contribution doesn't suggest he's a "good dad". Add in the unilateral decision that SD can't come at what may be a sensitive time for her (eg she might already be feeling at risk of being pushed out, with the new baby arriving as she's moving from being a child towards being a young woman) and the opposition to contributing to her extra expenses from being prevented from coming, and this does not come across as having been handled well by the adults in the situation.

Halfemptyhalfling · 20/04/2025 08:32

If she's 15 and you have more than one toilet she is old enough to keep out your way. A pity as it's Easter weekend she is missing

Hoplolly · 20/04/2025 08:33

I assume most people commenting here have no experience of living in a blended family. I have my kids 50/50, my DH has his 50/50. If someone is ill we absolutely limit the spread of any illness - why wouldn't we? That means if the kids get sick they stay with the parent they are with at that time. If my stepkids have a sickness bug, why on earth would we send them back to then infect their mother and vice versa. It's just sensible.

doodleschnoodle · 20/04/2025 08:35

Personally I think anyone with an active sick bug shouldn’t be moving around from place to place exposing more people than necessary, regardless of whether there’s a newborns or not.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 20/04/2025 08:36

Teaandtoastserveddaily · 20/04/2025 08:30

So presumably if she lived with you full time you'd send her elsewhere?

Your house is her home too. Jesus.

OP didn’t say that, and what ifs aren’t relevant. People are advising OP to expose her newborn to a virus which could cause serious illness in an infant so young, when there’s a perfectly logical choice to swap the weekend DD stays and avoid passing it on, not only to the baby, but potentially to the whole family. That’s the sensible thing to do. The problem here is that MN has collectively lost all grip on common sense because a SC is involved.

MikeRafone · 20/04/2025 08:38

Unfortunately when my children/toddlers got sick, I couldn’t send them away so they didn’t infect baby.

its part of being a family. You can ask other people if they can mind the children for you. What you can’t do is tell other people that you are refusing to have your own children

Imisschampagne · 20/04/2025 08:38

YRGAM · 20/04/2025 05:41

Presumably anyone saying she should stay with her mum would banish a child living with them if they got ill?

No. You’re being really facetious here.

If a sick child is under my roof, I wouldn’t banish it.
i would like for it to stay put and heal and not shuffle it around. Because of comfort and also to not spread a virus.

See what I’m saying?

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 20/04/2025 08:39

Halfemptyhalfling · 20/04/2025 08:32

If she's 15 and you have more than one toilet she is old enough to keep out your way. A pity as it's Easter weekend she is missing

So if she’s keeping out of the way what is the point of her visiting at all ? Why not practice proper infection control and swap the weekend so that DD can be involved when she stays ?