Step daughter and new born

[Worriedmom98]

Wanting peoples opinions, I have a 7 week old and my partner has a daughter to his ex partner who he pays plenty a month for - on our weekend to have her she’s come down with a sickness bug ( mother hadn’t informed us it was my step daughter that told us). I do not want me or my new born getting if can be prevented, with that my partner rang her and explained both of our worry’s this is the first time in 5 years we’ve ever had to do this, she proceeds to call him a sh*t dad and that we have to tell her ourselves “we don’t want her” and that she can’t believe we’re not having her. I understand she isn’t gonna be thrilled about our baby but do people not have any regard over a new borns health? she is now asking for an additional money of £20 to feed her for that evening meal and for meals the day after. I don’t want the argument but I also don’t want to put my new born at risk of a sickness bug if it can be prevented

What do you think normal people do to protect vulnerable people ? They stay the fuck away . There is a choice here . The kid can stay away. Totally unfair to move an unwell child too, I wouldn’t want to go elsewhere.

At 7 weeks I don't think it's unreasaonable. They won't be young and vulnerable for long. Mum sounds a bit shit demanding money to feed her own kid, I hope she never asks for any flexibility from you.

How is this hypothetical scenario relevant?

i am not a step parent but totally understand your situation.
why would she want to share her bug?

But the father’s priority is both of his children, not just the baby.

Assuming they don’t live in a bedsit, it should be easy enough to contain the infection and prevent a 15 year old from passing it onto anyone, especially a newborn baby who isn’t eating family meals or using bathrooms.

If the 15 year old came down with this after arriving at her dad’s house, or lived there full time, they’d have to just get on with it. It might have been considerate for the mum to have kept SD at home and swapped weekends, but she didn’t - that’s not the SD’s fault and there’s no way I would have sent her packing in the OP’s shoes.

YANBU, and to be honest if I was her mother I’d have assumed she wasn’t going if she had a bug. I’d assume that, regardless of a baby, if a child had d&v, they stay at the house they’re at when they catch it because it makes sense to avoid the spread and no one wants to get out of bed and travel with a sickness bug.

I will say though, that if she comes down with a bug at yours, you should accept that she can stay with you extra time. And you can’t send her away if she comes down with it at yours to avoid your baby catching it.

But OP is being ridiculous as most of us deal with sickness bugs that our older DC bring home from nursery or school. Yes, I’d cancel a visit from wider family - but what OP and her DP are doing is treating the DD as though she’s a niece. She is not - she’s his DD and this is her home part of the time.

I completely disagree with you. Common sense dictates that if you have something highly contagious you stay home and don't share your germs.

Again I don't know why posters are bringing up irrelevant hypothetical scenarios here. The stepdaughter doesn't live with them full time.

Besides, does she even want to go to her dad's in order to just stay in her bedroom?

YANBU

i agree with @JoyousEagle.

By the age of 15, I’d have thought SD would a) want to stay at home whilst she's ill, and b) not be rigid about when she’s at her dad’s. Surely at 15 there’s flexibility? Having had the vomiting bug a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t want to risk passing it on to a baby, plus all I wanted to do was stay in bed!

Exactly this. I can't understand the responses on here that are treating OP like a monster for trying to keep it contained. If it's outside your household try to keep it outside, and if it's inside try to keep it inside. If it were the reverse (OP's family have it but not the stepdaughter) they should also ask her to stay away so she doesn't get it.

The mum is selfish to send her to you for the reason that she should be looking after her sick DD, I’d keep mine at home and not make them travel if they’re being sick.
In would want a newborn to be near that if at all possible, most people would.

You and the dad are being mean

What will you do if you have two dc and your dc1 gets ill when dc2 is a newborn - chuck them out the house?!

i agree with you op! Step daughter is 15 - she’s old enough to understand and come another day! No need to risk spreading a bug

I can see SD's point. Her dad is an EOW dad with an occasional bonus dinner (wow, so much effort needed there) who considers a minimal financial contribution to be "plenty". She's feeling unwell and her dad's response is to refuse to let her come for her time with him. Not to discuss options, but just to say no. That's going to hurt. If he was otherwise a good dad who approached the situation sympathetically, that'd be one thing, but in this context he does come across as pretty shit in his treatment of her.

At 15, you could have involved her in considering the options and finding a solution. If you aren't letting her come to her home as previously agreed, of course you should contribute financially to the extra expenses incurred for her and her mum by your choices.

This to me is like asking “what do people with 5 kids in Kabul with no toilet in their house do.” Just because other people have to be go through more awful, challenging situations than that which the OP is in doesn’t mean she should chose that for herself. Ofc if she had two children living in the same household there would be nothing the OP could do about it especially as they have said they have no support closeby. Surely you can see the teenage stepdaughter catching bugs from the daughter once they’re in nursery is a very different situation to a 7 week old with little immunity and no vaccines yet. 🤣

The fact is DSC doesnt live with them, she is 15 years old and has an alternative place of safety she can stay currently. 100% agree both sets of parents should be thinking about how they can make the time up to DSC and address her feelings as she may feel pushed out with new baby too. I also think that partner should send over the £20 and that OP and her H need to work on their relationship with ex because there is unnecessary inflammatory language on both sides which isn’t in best interest of kids.

Other posters with blended families have commented to say they’ve swapped weekends when there has been illness - I can’t see how that isn’t the obvious answer here.

I’m a healthcare worker and have seen serious complications of d&v and unfortunately death of people with low immune system. Also seen d&v spread like wildfire through wards where patients are immobile so not directly touching each other. These viruses can be spread by contaminated surfaces and in some cases droplets so not as easy as saying DSC old should stay away from baby. DSC probably not going to have the best time with Dad if she’s being forced to isolate and everyone is trying to spend time away from her so they can protect the new baby anyway.

She is your child's half sister. So a relative and a family member. You are in the wrong.

How is this relevant?

No, she is in the right.

I have exactly the same set up with my stepdaughter. We never considered requesting her to stay home with Mum when she was poorly, because we were hyper aware that this is a really crucial time where any small excuse would cause her to feel pushed out. They are teens whose hormones are flying anyway, and having a new sibling at that age is HARD.
I don’t know why you haven’t asked her for her thoughts, she’s told you she’s poorly, so that may well be her way of saying ‘I’m not up for visiting as I feel rough’. Let her choose!! That way she feels included and wanted but the pressure of rejection is off slightly, she can make the decision she wants.
Dad needs to politely inform ex that daughter had made x decision and here is some extra money if she isn’t coming to you. Ex will be extremely defensive, but the key to this situation is working together. You need to go out of your way to reassure ex with your actions that stepdaughter is still very much included and loved. Asking her to stay away is not showing that. But if daughter decides that herself, then decision done.
If daughter does come to you poorly, take extra cleaning measures and distance as you would with any other poorly household member. But do NOT ostracise her as this isn’t her fault, she is obviously aware enough to inform you anyway… and the sickness bug may well be in your house already, so there’s no point in stressing out!!
Congratulations on new baby but please be aware that this situation with such a big age gap is going to have constant dilemmas. You must must MUST not make step daughter feel the outsider. She has had her Dad her entire life and needs to feel that she still has him, regardless of strained relationships with ex.

OP I think I could understand it from both sides. I get why the Ex is annoyed and think an additional £20 is fair.

This is nonsense .Any normal 15 year old would want to stay with their mum and make sure they protect the 7 week old. Mumsnet is so precious about these step parent situations. Just use common sense and stop reading so much into this .Keep the puking child away. FFS.

It isn’t. OP is being perfectly reasonable in wanting to protect a 7 week old baby from another child who she knows has a sickness bug. But MN hates step parents so the facts are twisted to suit the narrative that SC come first in every situation and the OP is a selfish shit if she doesn’t suck it up. Meanwhile back in the real world there isn’t one poster here who wouldn’t do the same to protect their own baby. Such hypocrisy.

It’s his job to parent her whether she is ill or not. I wouldn’t want the bug near the baby so shut yourself away. If you can’t do when she is ill make it up another day. I always hesitate to send my child to their dads when they are ill but that’s because I know they are more comfortable at home and they aren’t there often.