Step daughter and new born

[Worriedmom98]

Wanting peoples opinions, I have a 7 week old and my partner has a daughter to his ex partner who he pays plenty a month for - on our weekend to have her she’s come down with a sickness bug ( mother hadn’t informed us it was my step daughter that told us). I do not want me or my new born getting if can be prevented, with that my partner rang her and explained both of our worry’s this is the first time in 5 years we’ve ever had to do this, she proceeds to call him a sh*t dad and that we have to tell her ourselves “we don’t want her” and that she can’t believe we’re not having her. I understand she isn’t gonna be thrilled about our baby but do people not have any regard over a new borns health? she is now asking for an additional money of £20 to feed her for that evening meal and for meals the day after. I don’t want the argument but I also don’t want to put my new born at risk of a sickness bug if it can be prevented

Do you lack critical thinking skills? What do you do if life ever throws up any unexpected situations? You must really struggle.

Staying with her actual mother who is also her family is absolutely the right thing to do. I have kept my dc at home with me many times when they’ve been unwell because it’s the right and fair thing to do for them and their fathers household.

If dad wants to have that conversation with SD because that’s what he and OP have decided is best then that’s what he should do! 🤷🏻‍♀️ whys it on mum to explain? Mum clearly disagrees that it’s best, I don’t blame her for suggesting dad handle the discussion.

Id like to point out we haven’t actually heard the SDs point of view at all as to whether she would be dragged out a sick bed against her will, or whether she was looking forward to going there to be looked after by her dad, feeling a bit better now etc perhaps if dad did talk to her she’d be happy to stay at mums, and if she isn’t happy with that arrangement at least it raises the discussion as to what has lead her to feel that way!

When two people can co parent maturely there isn’t the need for anyone to have ‘the discussion’ or to demand money for that matter. You work together, you ideally both arrive at the same sane sensible conclusion that a kid with d&v should stay put and certainly not risk spreading the bug to a house with a new baby in it.

There is no need for dramatics or big discussions or demands or for the SD to feel rejected. It’s just an unfortunate, unpredictable situation. Life is full of them.

Completely agree that the stepparent dynamic seems to have made people lose their minds here, and can almost certainly guarantee that if it were a pushy MIL demanding to see her newborn grandchild despite having d&v every single poster would be agreeing with op that it’s unreasonable and dangerous.

Just goes to show how prejudiced posters are against certain family dynamics. To the point where they are tying themselves in knots to make op out to be the bad one when in fact the only person to handle this foolishly and insensitively it’s the actual mum.

I don’t think it actually is on mum to tell DD if she’s not comfortable with it - OP and DH can do that as it’s their decision and they’re probably best placed to explain it. But l’m firmly in OP’s corner in that l don’t see the harm in delaying the visit for a few days as long as DD is clear as to why - and OP has already said they will make up the time. I don’t see any reason to put the baby at risk if there is an alternative.

@motherhen27

I agree in an ideal world two people co parent amicably and maturely. I agree dramatics are best avoided and we don’t want any children to feel, or be, neglected, ill etc.

For whatever reason - and we won’t know why because neither mum, or dad, or SD is here to tell us the backstory - in this situation the parents don’t agree about delaying the visit. There may be any amount of “whatfuckery” previous to this moment. Regardless, as the parents strongly disagree about what to do here, there is a chance SD isn’t living in this magical perfect family land where she knows she is loved equally by both parents at both homes.

Dad needs to have a chat with his 15 year old daughter directly. So SD understands she is loved (and has heard it from him!), so she understands the risks to her little sister, and so her father can hear her opinion, even if he chooses to insist she stay with mum to prevent infection.

I don’t agree with obscenities of “your a shxt dad” - perhaps if mum was here she’d be able to clear up what she meant by that for us - but I can understand mum suggesting dad handles it with SD.

I also understand SM wants to protect her baby from infection.

All of this is part of the landscape you learn to navigate when you welcome a SC as part of your family! A lack of critical thinking might lead you to believe it was as simple as ringing mum to say you can’t have SD!

Yes. That's what people are saying. I would want to protect a small baby from infection and I wouldn't send a sick child to a house with a small baby. Common sense.

If you read the OP, it’s made clear that this is the first time they have asked for any variation in the arrangements. So l think it’s much more likely that the arrival of the new baby has stirred something up in the ex and she’s weaponising DD’s illness as a result. I really don’t know how any mother could even consider asking a sick child to leave their home for no good reason. Or one who would deliberately put the health of a tiny baby at such risk if there was a reasonable way to avoid it.

So it really should be a case of ringing mum to say they can’t have SD in the expectation of some sort of co-operation given that she’s a mother herself and aware of the risks. And then dad contacting DD himself to explain the situation and reassure her that as soon as she’s better they will make up the time. My problem with this batshit thread is the posters implying that DD’s needs trump that of a vulnerable newborn simply because she is a step child, and the attempts to turn OP’s concern for her baby’s safety into hatred for her step child.

can you just swap
weekends? Have her two weeks in a row next time. Not read the later responses so sorry if this has already been suggested