Step daughter and new born

[Worriedmom98]

Wanting peoples opinions, I have a 7 week old and my partner has a daughter to his ex partner who he pays plenty a month for - on our weekend to have her she’s come down with a sickness bug ( mother hadn’t informed us it was my step daughter that told us). I do not want me or my new born getting if can be prevented, with that my partner rang her and explained both of our worry’s this is the first time in 5 years we’ve ever had to do this, she proceeds to call him a sh*t dad and that we have to tell her ourselves “we don’t want her” and that she can’t believe we’re not having her. I understand she isn’t gonna be thrilled about our baby but do people not have any regard over a new borns health? she is now asking for an additional money of £20 to feed her for that evening meal and for meals the day after. I don’t want the argument but I also don’t want to put my new born at risk of a sickness bug if it can be prevented

So everyone , who’s winning the argument… step mums ( or their supporters ) or the first wives ?

Don’t be silly. He’s not going to get a child maintenance reduction whatever he does and that’s really not the point is it ? The DD’s mum doesn’t have to be a saint. She just has to ask herself would she be prepared to risk a newborn baby contracting a potentially lethal virus if she insisted on sending her DD while still sick. She also needs to ask herself how she and her DD would feel if the baby ended up hospitalised or worse if the visit went ahead. OP and DD’s dad are saying no for a reason. There have been no alterations to the visitation arrangements for five years. So if this is the first time OP and her DH have asked and the answer has been no, then DD’s mum shouldn’t be surprised when karma comes around and bites her in the arse.

If she were your daughter, you wouldn't dream of sending her away because she was sick.

A niece or nephew is a family member too, and other posters have said they wouldn’t even let them visit if they had a D&V bug. How is a SC any different ? The relationship is irrelevant. It’s the illness that’s the important thing here. At seven weeks baby hasn’t got anywhere near a fully formed immune system. If you think a 15 year old girl isn’t capable of understanding the risk she poses to the baby imagine how she’s going to feel if the visit goes ahead and the baby is seriously ill or worse as a result.

No, you are in the wrong @Viviennemary
Please educate yourself how contagious D and V viruses are.

Why do you think hospitals close wards when noro virus is doing the rounds

The fact that she is a step daughter is completely irrelevant.

Don’t be so fucking patronising. I speak as a step parent. I have my own similarly aged daughter on a 50/50 basis. If I had a seven week old baby and my daughter came down with a D&V bug on her dad’s time, I would absolutely insist that she stayed put until she was no longer a risk to the baby. My ex would agree because he’s a sensible person - which is more than I can say for most of the posters here, including you. MN has lost its mind on this issue. There are several healthcare professionals posting on this thread to give details of how viruses like this can prove fatal to such young babies. Yet the consensus seems to be that that’s fine as long as a fifteen year old - old enough to understand - comes for her scheduled weekend no matter what.

What do you think is the better choice here - explaining to DD that she can’t come for a few days because of the risk to the baby and that the time will be made up, or explaining to her that the baby has ended up in hospital - or worse - because the visit went ahead ? This thread is utterly batshit. I knew MN hated step parents but until this thread I didn’t realise how much. To even think of putting a tiny baby at risk for fear of hurting the feelings of a teen old enough to understand why she can’t come is utterly insane.

Difficult to tell at this stage. I can tell you one thing though @Vworried1. I didn’t realise quite how much MN hated step parents until this thread. To even suggest that the DD visit as normal while posing a deadly risk to a tiny baby is batshit insane. And yet many posters are advocating that just because she is a SC. To say that posters supporting this have got things out of proportion is the understatement of the year.

Mom and step mom here I would never send my children to another household regardless of which parents weekend it fell on even with plans I would cancel and stay at home with my sick child and not send her elsewhere ! they are best at home and settled in their own room in their own home! And as a step mom in a blended family I would never send a sick child to be around a very young baby as that is just selfish! If a you baby gets ill it is a lot more serious for them a lot quicker! To ask for extra money to feed your own child for the night is ridiculous I would be embarrassed to do so! Even on a tight budget You would get by for that “extra night” and if the daughter is so ill with a sickness bug surely she wouldn’t be eating much to justify £20 of food!

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Three days EOW and a day in the week - unspecified whether that’s a day in the week every week. And without knowing why these arrangements are the way they are it’s really inappropriate to comment. OP has said several times that they will make up the time, and yes, it’s probably best that they cover what the ex has asked for, as, along with DD’s mother insisting that DD go to her dad despite her illness for no other reason than it’s his weekend, it would be hurtful.

I think alot of the comments are being really unfair. As a mum to a boy who was unwell every month since he was 5 weeks old if I could of prevented him getting unwell I would of done so. It's just one weekend. She's 15 she's probably not even going to care. Why would she want to leave the comfort of her own home if she's being sick. This is Monday now so am guessing it was that weekend there so my reply is late 😂

Absolutely this! Older siblings are forever catching bugs at school/nursery and passing them on. Not a reason to skip time with his daughter.

Neither parent is covering themselves with glory here - as a mother I can’t imagine sending my sick child off to prove a point. But equally, regardless of why arrangements are the way they are I wouldn’t be okay with seeing my child for that amount of time. In terms of it being inappropriate to comment, it’s literally a forum to comment on the issue the OP has posted. That’s the point of mumsnet.
However, if you can give me a good reason that a decent parent is happy to see their child EOW, I’m happy to listen to it, I just can’t conceive of one? The arguing over 20 quid, while distasteful and sounds pretty bad, I will admit could be due to poverty, rather than anything more nefarious.

If she was your child and had a sickness bug you wouldn't send her away for the sake of a "full sibling" so yes YABU

Despite her mother being a bit of a cow demanding £20 to keep her, the 7yr old will feel that her new sibling is more important than her and she doesn't deserve that

He’s not skipping time with his daughter. OP says they will make up the time. An older sibling or an adult can cope much better with a D&V bug than a small baby with an under developed immune system. And at fifteen she’s old enough to understand the reason she can’t come for this weekend. It’s one weekend FFS - would you risk your seven week old catching a potentially dangerous virus if you could prevent it ? Of course you wouldn’t.

How the hell can you make this judgement of a person you’ve never met and know nothing about ? I speak as a step parent and I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I had a seven week old baby and my daughter (similar age to that of OP) caught this kind of bug on her dad’s contact time, I would insist that she stay with him until she was no longer infectious. And he would be agreeable because he’s not a moron. Similarly if his current partner had a vulnerable new born and my daughter was ill with a bug, I would keep her at home for the safety of a vulnerable infant, rather than risk a tragedy. The girl is fifteen. Are you really suggesting that a competent parent is incapable of making her understand the risk she is posing and that the delay will only be a few days. Grow up.

The issue the OP has posted is the situation with the sickness bug. She hasn’t asked for comment on how often they see DD. You don’t know what the agreement is or why.

So why is SC mum doing it??

If my daughter was poorly I'd be keeping her home until she was better not sending her off to her dad's new born or not. I also think a heads up would have been nice even if it was just a "she's been a bit dosgey but she's OK now" I'd want the same the other way if my daughters fathers children were poorly I wouldn't want my child going and necessarily bringing things back to this house there's plenty of other weekends it's not about pushing anyone out its abput making sure both children are OK

and I have asked you for any reason that a decent parent would be happy with seeing their child that amount of time and you can’t give me one (I can’t think of one either), so that naturally gives context to the issue at hand. Does the SC normally feel wanted and loved? Are they part of the family? are the relationships robust? In those circumstances it’s so much easier to be able to cancel contact because of a sensible reason and reschedule but reading the OP it doesn’t come across that way, it’s very focused on finance and this idea of making up time - don’t most parents spend time with their children because they want to? I work with so many children who feel unwanted and it causes so much damage. Like I said if you have a good rationale for not wanting to see your children regularly, I’m genuinely curious as to what that could be?

When my daughter was less than 2 days old, my 2 year old son came down with a sickness bug. I spent her second night watching the Cars animated film on repeat with him cuddled up in one arm and her in the other.
Baby and I were fortunately fine and it only lasted 24 hours or so.
I guess my point is, whilst it isn’t ideal, if it was your daughter rather than your step daughter, would you send her elsewhere, or just get on with it?

They're 2 different scenarios, I'm not sure if people are being purposefully obtuse at this point or just genuinely aren't overly switched on.

No such thing as half siblings , they are siblings and this one is having time within her family shouldn’t be going anywhere either

What I was thinking. Imagine seeing what a 'Prince' this man is and choosing to have a baby with him.

There is but. It's when you only share one parent instead of two. Sorry I thought this was common knowledge

Because this is AIBU, the whole point is an OP gives us what they perceive as the relevant info and ask AIBU. Then other people make a judgement and share their views.

If she had 2 DC she wouldn't send the eldest away. Eldest only sees her dad twice a month as it, i don't think its good to give her the message she cant she her dad on the off chance she might make her sibling ill and dad's got to prioritise her sibling.

She hasn't said 7 week old is especially vulnerable. In single family units with siblings it happens all the time, someone is poorly.

Now if I was SDs mum I might say to her, as you suggest, you're poorly so I'm going to ask dad if we can swap your weekends. I dont think either of the eldest parents shine in glory here.

Youre being just as judgmental as me, you just happen to agree with OP. Which is fine.

Just because an opinion is different to yours doesnt mean it's wrong.

Maybe you need to grow up.