Step daughter and new born

[Worriedmom98]

Wanting peoples opinions, I have a 7 week old and my partner has a daughter to his ex partner who he pays plenty a month for - on our weekend to have her she’s come down with a sickness bug ( mother hadn’t informed us it was my step daughter that told us). I do not want me or my new born getting if can be prevented, with that my partner rang her and explained both of our worry’s this is the first time in 5 years we’ve ever had to do this, she proceeds to call him a sh*t dad and that we have to tell her ourselves “we don’t want her” and that she can’t believe we’re not having her. I understand she isn’t gonna be thrilled about our baby but do people not have any regard over a new borns health? she is now asking for an additional money of £20 to feed her for that evening meal and for meals the day after. I don’t want the argument but I also don’t want to put my new born at risk of a sickness bug if it can be prevented

The child is sick with a contagious D&V bug and poses a serious risk to the newborn. It doesn’t matter how old she is, the risk is the same. And why would you advocate that the father picks her up and takes her out while she’s infectious - potentially spreading the virus to other people and putting the father at risk of passing it on to OP and their baby when he gets home ?

Not even just that though, the lack of care for his daughter if he did this. There is no 15 year old on the planet who would want to be in a hotel with a small en suite with a parent when they have a sickness bug just to point score.

Yet more whataboutery. I’m sure parents who have to manage in similar situations would welcome an alternative if it was available. And in OP’s situation there is a perfectly reasonable one, so why would you want her to put her baby at considerable risk if it’s avoidable ?

I think it’s really sad that you see OP’s efforts to protect her new born from a potentially lethal virus as an indication that she’s less than a loving step parent. It’s notable that like many other posters, you’ve chosen to ignore the questionable intentions of the childs’ own mother insisting she leave a sick bed in her own home simply because ‘it’s dad’s turn’.

The child is fifteen. Old enough to understand. Better to explain to her now why her visit needs to be delayed, rather than later when you may have to explain why her visit led to the baby being hospitalised, or worse. I think your whole post says more about you than it does OP.

Agree. Posters are so intent on berating OP for being the wicked step mother that they are actually overlooking the welfare of the very child they’re supposedly defending. And why is the childs’ mother escaping any criticism ? She was prepared to force her sick child out of her own home and make her travel while actively unwell, simply because ‘it’s dad’s turn’.

Exactly, when I was ill as a child I would prefer to stay at home in my own bed. My mother would never have forced me to go to my father’s just because it was ‘his turn’..she would never have forced me to go for whatever reason if I didn’t want to go.

Thank goodness the more sensible mumsnetters have arrived on this thread this morning.

The anti stepmum, whataboutery mumsnetters only seem to be intent on point scoring, and need to go back to school to learn reading comprehension and about how viruses are spread.

Less than loving step parent due to the bitterness that comes across about the maintenance for the step daughter. Nothing to do with the newborn.

Actually I didn’t agree with the biological mother either.

Too often it’s only the step children from the father’s side who do not receive consistent contact with the parent, changes dictated by the step mother.

And when step children become unwell at the other home they are quickly returned to the mother’s home.

Usual shit show with blended families…from what I hear. I’ve known not one single person where it’s not all of the same problems.

So in this situation the father should go round to daughter to see her in the garden both days and bring her and mum anything they need for the weekends such as meds and pre prepared healthy food, offer mum £70 for a babysitter if she had plans to go out and offer to have her an extra weekend whenever suits mum.

Yeah ok 🙄

@Kilroyonly why the face? What is unreasonable?
In my suggestion the newborn is kept safe and the first daughter is shown that she is still cared about and wanted by her dad and the mums precious child free time which she doesn't get much of is still protected. Just seen she's 15 so probably doesn't need a babysitter but she does need food and snacks for the weekends so I do agree with mum if dad cancels last minute he should provide them.

I agree with the op that the step child has two homes and the baby only had one. I imagine if the big girl was OPs own daughter who was staying with her dad at the weekend and got ill she'd tell her own big daughter to stay at her dads until better to protect the baby too? (If so Yanbu)

Because a 15 year old & any reasonable mother would understand why they want to keep their baby safe, it’s not a massive issue this sort of thing happens but Dad doesn’t need to provide snacks & medication or provide mother money to cover childcare..what planet are you living on to think that’s even an option?

@Kilroyonly it is a massive issue for the mum if she'd planned to do loads of things during her only little bit of child free time that she was really excited about or needed to do. She might also be working with a very tight budget and literally not be able to afford more meals for that weekend just before pay day (not that step d will be eating much with a tummy bug!) I don't think it's unreasonable for dad to still provide those things on the weekend that is his to provide them, and when he gets a child maintenance reduction based on him covering her costs on those days.
It's also extremely frustrating that her dad can just say 'I'm not doing parenting this weekend' whereas mum can't - obviously this is a reasonable reason and the step d shouldn't go and the baby shouldn't be put at risk, I can see how mum reacted moodily on finding out if she's not a total saint like most tired single parents doing almost all the parenting alone aren't.

It definitely is unreasonable & really wouldn’t happen in reality anyway. I pity your ex if those are your expectations; I would suggest you lower them to a more realistic level

@Kilroyonly I think it would also mean a lot of the big daughter if dad delivered some things to show he does still care and want to give her his time and provide for her, he hasn't forgotten about her now the baby is here etc

@Kilroyonly yes j would expect my ex to meet the costs that incurred by him letting me down last minute (even for a good reason) as I have to meet the costs of last minute things that happen on my time which is most of the week and much more

Why ? He’s already doing that by offering to make up the time.

Well you will be in for disappointment then. Would you cover your ex’s ‘expenses’ if you changed plans due to illness? Doubt it. Anyhow the DD is 15 not 5, her being home has no impact whatsoever as she can be left so it’s irrelevant really

This.

If she was your child you wouldn’t be able to get rid of her when she’s sick. He’s her dad and her mum shouldn’t have to always look after her when she’s sick.

An unnecessarily spiteful comment. How do you have any idea how much their travel system costs or even if they have a travel system. Lots of people I know couldn’t afford them and bought different bits seperately second hand / marketplace. I borrowed mine from a friend. Not the point of the thread I know but people have decided to take the OPs point about the money for the DSC to mean that she despises the fact that her DH pays this amount for childcare and that just fits perfectly into the awful stepmother / shit dad narrative when there’s little else to back this up.

I interpreted it as this is potentially two families that struggle with money or aren’t as privileged as many here on MN. OP may genuinely sees £300/ a month as plenty of their household income and for lots of families that is the case. DSC Mum may also genuinely be struggling and could need the £20 to cover unexpected costs. I think both parties could be more cordial and try and reach a conclusion where everyone is happy but it would be nice if the same grace could be given to both women here. None of us are in either of their shoes and one of them is 7 weeks postpartum.

I also think a gesture / offer like this, if it’s something the 15 year old would want would be nice so she’s not feeling completely left out. But wouldnt it be probably be easier to do something the DSC would actually want on another of mums weekends to have her so mum has a proper break in return and H and DSC aren’t sat in the garden with covid like restrictions / anxiety.

I think your partner should have asked his ex if he can come over to her house to see his DD on this occasion rather than having her over to your house this weekend. Bringing food for her of course, maybe offering to pay for a film to watch while she is recovering. He should have offered a compromise rather than saying he wouldn’t have her at all. Whatever you think of his ex, she is the one he chose to have a child with (whatever the circumstances) and does the majority of the leg work, so your partner needs to be prepared to be flexible where necessary.

The ex asking for the £20 might be petty or it might be that she is genuinely hard up. But technically she isn’t wrong to ask, child maintenance is calculated on the number of nights the non resident parent looks after the child.

More whataboutery.

Please stop it!

It is irrelevant here.

Yes exactly this

Do 15 year olds require babysitters ??? I used to babysit when I was that age and younger. Agree about offering to have an extra weekend but op said they have offered this already. pre prepared healthy food ? What planet are you living on.