Step daughter and new born

[Worriedmom98]

Wanting peoples opinions, I have a 7 week old and my partner has a daughter to his ex partner who he pays plenty a month for - on our weekend to have her she’s come down with a sickness bug ( mother hadn’t informed us it was my step daughter that told us). I do not want me or my new born getting if can be prevented, with that my partner rang her and explained both of our worry’s this is the first time in 5 years we’ve ever had to do this, she proceeds to call him a sh*t dad and that we have to tell her ourselves “we don’t want her” and that she can’t believe we’re not having her. I understand she isn’t gonna be thrilled about our baby but do people not have any regard over a new borns health? she is now asking for an additional money of £20 to feed her for that evening meal and for meals the day after. I don’t want the argument but I also don’t want to put my new born at risk of a sickness bug if it can be prevented

Like I said, she would probably rather be in her own bed and that would solve it, no one wants to expose a baby to it if possible but most people don’t have a choice so let’s not pretend it’s Ebola either.

but your parents rowing over 20 pounds as to who gets you that weekend? And seeing your kid EOW? It’s not dramatic to say both of those are damaging and hurtful.

I came to conclusion because it’s EOW and they were arguing over 20 quid to see who has her for the weekend.

Like I said illness wise she probably wants to be at home anyway so solves that issue - no one wants to unnecessarily expose baby but let’s not pretend it’s Ebola either, parents who live together manage childhood illnesses in the same house. but I don’t think it’s the main issue here.

Other children aren't relevant here. The step daughter is a red herring. The OP, understandably, didn't want anyone with a D and V bug coming to stay.

How is that so difficult to understand?

No absolutely not. On MN a father should have his kids when & where the mother says & pay all of his salary to support them & his ex. The mother can never be unreasonable it’s only a father & SM that are unreasonable in any scenario

Absolutely and children of the step mother and father need to come last and suffer because that step mother must have known what she was getting herself into .

Of course; SM should have known she should be required to have all the responsibilities of those children including free childcare, personal shopper, maid, taxi service, cleaner, emotional punch bag but absolutely has no right to set boundaries, say no, change plans suddenly, impose discipline…what a fantastic life SM have

If you don’t like being a step parent the solution is very simple - don’t marry a man with children.

Or men shouldn’t marry a woman with kids

Yanbu. If she’s sick, she would probably be happier and more comfortable at home with her mum. See if you can rearrange for next weekend.

your p’s ex should have told you. Bit shitty not to.

Oh I understand perfectly, but don’t believe it applies to any other immediate family members

@Worriedmom98 Personally, I'd have thought the child with the sickness bug would want to stay at home in bed, not go visiting. I'd have thought the mother would also be a bit protective of her own daughter (encourage her to stay home and be fussed over). I don't think it's unreasonable to not want a sickness bug brought into your home, let alone with a tiny baby. Surely it's common sense to just not spread the bug around if possible?

It sounds as if there might be some tension between the parents of the sd, is there? Does mom usually use her as a weapon, or are things normally amicable? She's certainly jumped on her high horse on this occasion.

I’m not sure how that’s relevant to the OP’s scenario?

Maybe not but relevant to a comment made about women…as usual

But is she currently vomiting? Vomited once on Thursday, we don't know do we? Not necessarily something that would prevent her from being out if she's been clear a couple of days but OP could still be nervous of her being around the baby. And if she is currently contaigous has dad given the child alternative dates/plans to make up for this weekend?
Basically my point is has he stepped up and spoken to his child and explained things and made a plan or did this just get dumped in her mums lap to deal with

He pays her less per month to raise their child than your child's travel system probably costs. Pipe down and keep handwashing hygiene and you should be fine.

Can the dad book a Travelodge or other cheap hotel and have a father/child mini break? He can't abandon his existing responsibilities because he has a new one.

The daughter has a sick bug fffs, how enjoyable do you think a hotel would be?

At 15 I'd personally talk to her as her dad and say that sm is worried about sibling and would it be OK if he comes and picks her up to do something the two of them. If she was 5 I'd say she should go anyway.

Not every part of parenting is wild fun, but it's an option that would not put a post partum mum and new baby at risk of getting sick, and prevent an existing older child from feeling pushed out and unwanted after the arrival of a new baby while fulfilling parental responsibilites ffs

So they have never changed arrangements for 5 years but he needs to fulfill this particular obligation on this day or else ??? I’ve seen how this particular flavour of inflexibility pans out and the children suffer the most . Their needs should be placed above the adults in this.

Agree. They’ve never changed arrangements because they’ve never needed to. They have a 7 week old baby and DD has a contagious D&V bug. They’re already putting the needs of the children first and protecting a vulnerable young baby from a virus that could potentially kill it. The child's mother is putting her own wants and needs first by insisting on DD leaving her own home and travelling while she’s sick, for no other reason than ‘it’s her dad’s turn’. If this was anything other than a step child the responses here would be very different.

My DD has been a stepmum for quite a long time. The SC were teens when she moved in with their dad. By that age they were flexible between their parents’ homes. DD and DSIL then got married, the SC were involved and happy about the marriage. The relationship DSIL has with his DC was a big plus for me when he and DD got together.

There has been no point scoring, no using children as a weapon. The adults have all adulted. No sick child would ever have been expected to move between homes because it was someone’s ‘turn’ to have them.

And it would be putting many other people at risk, not to mention being totally against NHS guidelines on infection control - these are in place to limit the spread of these viruses in the community. The child already has a home, and her mother is insisting she leave it and travel while she’s sick, for no other reason than ‘it’s dad’s turn’. THAT is what will make her feel pushed out.

The child is fifteen and from what she’s already said, she understands that her sickness poses a risk so l fail to see how explaining that she needs to delay her visit a few days because of the illness is going to suddenly make her feel unwanted at her dads’ home. And OP has said several times that they will make up the time. If this was anything other than a step child posters would be howling at OP for even suggesting she be allowed to visit while she’s ill. It’s batshit.

The SC is 15, they're old enough to understand.

He’s not doing any such thing and you know it. The lack of understanding of, or care for, what this virus could potentially do to a new born baby, or a postpartum mother is staggering.