Step daughter and new born

[Worriedmom98]

Wanting peoples opinions, I have a 7 week old and my partner has a daughter to his ex partner who he pays plenty a month for - on our weekend to have her she’s come down with a sickness bug ( mother hadn’t informed us it was my step daughter that told us). I do not want me or my new born getting if can be prevented, with that my partner rang her and explained both of our worry’s this is the first time in 5 years we’ve ever had to do this, she proceeds to call him a sh*t dad and that we have to tell her ourselves “we don’t want her” and that she can’t believe we’re not having her. I understand she isn’t gonna be thrilled about our baby but do people not have any regard over a new borns health? she is now asking for an additional money of £20 to feed her for that evening meal and for meals the day after. I don’t want the argument but I also don’t want to put my new born at risk of a sickness bug if it can be prevented

It's not but. So pointless post

Nope. The sentiment is the same. The virus is potentially more dangerous for the baby than for older children and adults, so they stay away from the baby until recovered. Advocating that the father should look after his DD elsewhere, including at a hotel is astoundingly irresponsible because a) she already has a home with a mother to look after her, and b) it’s unnecessarily exposing more people to the virus. What on earth would be the point of that ? This father hasn’t decided anything about his ex’s time or health. He and OP have made an entirely rational decision not to spread the virus and to observe the proper infection control everyone here would be screaming about if there wasn’t a step child in the middle of it all. It’s batshit.

I think OP is being given a hard time here. Of course if the child lived in the same house as the newborn everyone would just have to get on with it and hope the baby stayed well. But the child doesn’t live in the same house 100% of the time so why can’t she stay away until she’s better? Would you knowingly take a sick child to visit a grandparent?

In this instance and especially as the SD is 15 I really don’t think it’s too much to ask for her to stay away until she’s better. I’m sure neither OP or her DH want to catch the bug either.

Where in any of OP’s posts does it say the DD has already arrived ? Her dad rang his ex and explained the situation with the baby and was told he would have to explain to DD herself why she couldn’t come. That suggests she’s still with her mum.

Four days out of every fourteen actually. OP says it’s Friday, Saturday, Sunday and one day in the week. If that one day is every week then it’s five days out of every fourteen. And no-one is assuming the child wants to stay with her mother - l actually think the mother is worthy of criticism here for allowing her to leave the house and travel while she’s sick, regardless of whether she wants to or not.

When our son got D&V and we had a newborn, we asked m creche to keep him overnight for a few days but they wouldn’t?! No neighbours would take m him in either. We actually continue to parent both children in the same house? AND they cost us a lot more than 300 a month. Parenting eh?

sarcasm aside I’m sure she probably wants to be in her own bed if she’s sick but she probably also wants to be wanted by both her parents and that doesn’t look like it’s the case either.

I dont think OP will be back.

she clearly thought telling us her husband pays £300 a month would sound like such a huge sum and he was such a stand up generous guy that we would automatically be on her side about the £20.

The daughter should stay with her mum, but her husband should give his ex £20. Or give the daughter £20 - tell her to get a McDonald’s and see a movie.

It does matter whose step child is whose because the step mothers biological first child wouldn’t be shipped off to their biological fathers house in the event of illness - they too have two homes. The point people are making here is that too often different rules apply to the children of blended families, always tend towards to be what is dictated by the step mother.

There is a chance the baby could one day become a step child too, then do the rules still apply by the step mother when it’s her own child? I think not. And these sort of households are usually the first to say when a step child becomes ill at their house for them to return to the biological mother immediately. Hear it all too often!

How do you arrive at the conclusion that neither parent wants her when the only issue here is delaying a few days to avoid infecting a vulnerable young baby, and when OP has already said they will make up the time ? The amount of maintenance is a non issue because OP hasn’t given any indication of what proportion of salary that is, or what other expenses they cover.

Yes it is laughable. I never mentioned the money part in my posts. OP clear grudges what is given as maintenance for her partners own child. Can just tell the sort of step mother involved here. Not all step mothers will be this way though - but from what I’ve seen they are the exception.

It’s terrible the mother is asking for £20, which suggests she is struggling financially.

If you look back through the thread there are several posts which completely refute what you are saying - parents and step parents posting to say that infection control comes first in their homes and that ex’s work together. And l can completely see the reverse scenario where there is a new baby at home and the biological mothers’ older child has fallen ill during a stay with the father. The expectation would be the same. That the older child doesn’t return until they are no longer contagious.

Yet more unfounded nastiness directed at step parents. Have you stopped to consider that OP considers the maintenance ‘plenty’ because it represents a significant proportion of their income, or that they perhaps support the child in other ways she neglected to mention ?

This doesn’t tend to be most peoples reality though, and it is often the step mother who has different rules for family members. Father’s just go along with it for a peaceful life.

As I said I’d have no problem keeping my child home, but I’d have a problem if they were to be told they were not allowed. It sends the wrong message to the step child, who either does/sometimes feels excluded. And it’s the biological mothers who have to deal with those emotions resulting from the exclusion. The previous children don’t disappear like many step mother's seem want these days.

If DD was well enough to do either of those things l doubt there would have been an issue to begin with. CM is worked out proportionately to income. You can’t give what you don’t have and OP and her DH may well be supporting in other ways.

Fair point, this could be the case too

Oh come on. Seriously ? You think it’s unreasonable for OP and her DH not to want to pass on a potentially life threatening virus to their newborn if it can be avoided ? And you think it’s a big deal for a parent to explain to a fifteen year old why she has to delay the visit ? Nobody is sending any message to the step child. They are simply trying to avoid spreading a contagious virus to a young baby. Anyone who can’t envisage explaining to an older child that the only reason they’re not seeing dad this week is because they have an illness that could be dangerous to the new baby, doesn’t possess much in the way of parenting skills IMO.

All the dramatics. It's one weekend to keep a newborn baby safe. I hope the 15 year old is more level headed about this situation that some of the posters

Being so serious the rules need to be applied to everyone in the family then. Everybody treated the same, not only for the step children.

Step daughter is the only one who is sick

But the situation isn't the same for all children, pretending it is doesn't make it so. Honestly a 15 year old is old enough to understand why their father doesn't want them around a vulnerable newborn when they have a highly contagious illness, there's every chance they don't want to go when they're poorly anyway. If the child was too young to understand then a different approach would be appropriate so they didn't feel pushed out; but a parent saying to a teenage step child ill see you when you're feeling better perhaps we could do x or y on z date if you're free (nothing to suggest he hasn't said this or isn't keen to) is not a problem. They have a seperate home, it isn't the same as shipping off a child who only have one to the streets when they're unwell.

Some of these replies!
No, you are certainly bloody not being unreasonable.
Sickness bugs can lead to dehydration and hospitalisation in tiny newborns.
Stand your ground.
It's ONE weekend.
Anyone with an ounce of common sense would understand.

Plus, no one wants to be shitting from both ends while looking after a tiny baby if it can be avoided.

Something that is lacking from so many posters with an agenda on this thread.

These extremely thick posters need to go back to school for a few biology lessons about viruses.

The fact that the ill person is a step daughter is a red herring.

OP and her DH only have one biological child between them. Why are you assuming that both children, and indeed any subsequent additions will not be treated the same ? The step daughter is the only one who’s ill. I’m sure that if her mum had a new baby and DD had fallen ill while with OP and her DH they wouldn’t be sending her back to spread the virus through her mothers’ household. A lot of very unfair assumptions and sweeping generalisations about step parents here.

This household is not the step daughter’s home too if it can be said she cannot come when she is poorly. People have newborns in the home all of the time when other children stay there who are in school or nursery and bring home all sorts. How does everybody else and their babies manage? Sorry to upset so many but I don’t think OP in this situation comes across to be a loving step parent, quite the opposite in fact.