Step daughter and new born

[Worriedmom98]

Wanting peoples opinions, I have a 7 week old and my partner has a daughter to his ex partner who he pays plenty a month for - on our weekend to have her she’s come down with a sickness bug ( mother hadn’t informed us it was my step daughter that told us). I do not want me or my new born getting if can be prevented, with that my partner rang her and explained both of our worry’s this is the first time in 5 years we’ve ever had to do this, she proceeds to call him a sh*t dad and that we have to tell her ourselves “we don’t want her” and that she can’t believe we’re not having her. I understand she isn’t gonna be thrilled about our baby but do people not have any regard over a new borns health? she is now asking for an additional money of £20 to feed her for that evening meal and for meals the day after. I don’t want the argument but I also don’t want to put my new born at risk of a sickness bug if it can be prevented

I’m a single mum and I don’t blame you at all. If my XH had a newborn baby and ds had a sickness bug, I wouldn’t be sending him over to spread the germs. Ds2 caught a common cold off ds1 last year and ended up being blue lighted to hospital and needing oxygen with bronchiolitis

I can imagine most kids wouldn't want to be trailed to their other parents with a sickness bug and rather rest up until they have recovered.

Im always very careful with hygiene especially when there is a sickness bug in the household but no matter how much I disinfect, it spreads like wildfire among all of us.

She sounds like she’s being grabby with the £20 but I’d give her it to keep the peace.

How do you know it's contagious? I've been in the company, and lived with many people who were ill, and I was fine.

Presumably if her baby gets a vomiting bug whilst staying at grandparents and there's a newborn sibling at home they'd wait for the contagious period to pass.. if she's already at home obviously they wouldn't send her to a different house and spread it further.

The 15 year old told them she's sick so presumably knows the risk. I doubt the 15 year old "little girl" would feel very good watching the newborn be sick knowing she could have avoided it either...

So then, if DD is old enough to have a say, then she’s old enough to say how she would feel if the visit went ahead and the baby became seriously ill, or worse, as a result. Because it’s a possibility. This is one weekend being swapped, not a permanent exclusion. OP has said they will be making up the time. The feelings of a SC old enough to appreciate the risk do not trump the very real risk to the baby. Or to OP for that matter. Hands up all those here who would relish the prospect of looking after a seven week old baby while they have a D&V bug, when it was entirely avoidable. No ? Thought not.

I'm going against the grain here but I personally think if a child is unwell they shouldn't be switching households. A) it makes people ill when they don't need to be and B) if a child is ill, they are better off staying put rather than travelling as that's the last thing anyone needs when they feel rubbish.

They can call or video chat with the parent they're not getting to see, it's only an occasional issue. Perhaps Dad can send a delivery with snacks and magazines?

Yes, as others have said, other parents with newborns have to live with children who bring germs home from school etc. However, just because some people do, why would you do it when it can be prevented? It seems stupid to me. Seriously, why would you spread illness when it's not necessary to do so?

Also tell the mum to sod off over the money, if she's not well she's not going to cost £20 to feed.

Were you a seven week old new born at the time ? Several health professionals here have outlined that the risks to the baby are far greater than to an adult with a fully developed immune system.

But you aren't 7 weeks old.

What a ridiculous statement.

She can't be that ill if she would have been able to make it to her dad's for the weekend.

Where does it say that she is already at her dad's?

Not ok. If there were no steps involved, you would be in one house and have to deal with it.
You're at a tricky stage where you need to make sure your SD doesn't feel pushed out or that her Dad has replaced her so you need to be extra welcoming.
Good luck.

D&V bugs are almost always highly contagious, and it seems the child is actively ill, so the safest assumption is that she’s contagious. Common sense really.

So ‘welcoming’ includes knowingly putting a new born baby at serious risk ? What they would have to do in another situation isn’t relevant. The DD has another home, the baby does not. The sensible and responsible thing to do is delay the visit until the child is better and then make up the time - which OP has already said they will do.

Question: do you not think that the actions of the childs’ mother pushing her unwell DD out of a sick bed and making her travel, simply because it’s dad’s weekend is equally, if not more damaging, than OP/DH refusing the visit for reasons DD can clearly appreciate ? Mum has sent a clear signal to DD that her illness takes a back seat to dad pulling his weight on his weekend, and is more important to her than DD’s own comfort or wellbeing. That’s a harsh message for any fifteen year old.

It doesn’t. Some posters are inventing things to suit the narrative that OP is the wicked stepmother and dad is neglectful.

Wow you’ve had a hard time here. I can see every side of it to be honest, being in a blended family myself. The problem with blended families is every blended family has different dynamics. With our family we often make allowances for illnesses, such as my son’s grandma is thankfully recovered from cancer, however at that time if my son was unwell we would limit contact. I’ve had a baby and there were occasions where my son was unwell so my ex partner had him extra to prevent illnesses. In our situation these circumstances have never caused an argument etc and there’s plenty of give and take. I hope your step daughter feels well soon and you all manage to avoid it. Sickness bugs are my worst nightmare x

She’s got a sickness bug, so I really hope not!

So when you have another child and your older child was to end up with a sickness bug would you send the sick child away so that the newborn don’t get it? You’re being unfair, kids get sick

Unless the other answer actually is rubbish and this posters’ opinion is better !!

This has been done to death. Any other situation is irrelevant. There are two households for DD and only one for the baby. The opportunity exists for the risk to be eliminated. Why would you advocate for a tiny baby with an under developed immune system to be put at serious risk if it’s not necessary ?

You are being ridiculous.
As they don't live in the same house, there is the option to not spread the illness. Obviously it is best to contain it and not spread it!

No I’m not being ridiculous - how rude and not a way to argue a point.

Agree. This has been brought up ad nauseam over the course of the thread. It’s as pointless an argument now as it was twelve pages ago. The opportunity exists to eliminate the substantial risk to a tiny newborn without a fully formed immune system. To advocate for the opposite because of some hypothetical, non existent scenario is the height of stupidity. I asked upthread whether anyone had thought of the risk to OP in this situation, and whether they would like the prospect of caring for a seven week old baby while having the virus themselves. The lack of response has been deafening.

Obviously keep to routine! Make her feel cared for and important now she's got a step sister. Really unkind to do any different.

You ARE being ridiculous. There is no valid point to be argued. Suggesting that OP unnecessarily exposes a new born with an under developed immune system to a potentially deadly virus just because in another hypothetical and non-existent situation she may be unable to avoid it, is quite simply whataboutery at a breathtakingly stupid level.

And the baby ? Does what’s best for them come into it at all ? I simply can’t understand how anyone can come to the conclusion that the feelings of a SC having a visit delayed for a few days because of a contagious virus, trump the risk the virus poses to a young baby with an under developed immune system. When it’s entirely avoidable. The contempt for step parents is palpable.

Did you not read in the OP's first post that the 15 year old has TWO homes?

Obviously keep to routine! Make her feel cared for and important now she's got a step sister. Really unkind to do any different.

It's really unkind to bring someone with D and V into a household with a tiny baby. Did you miss that? Do you genuinely think that risking the health of a tiny baby is less important than moving seeing a teenager for a few days to another time?

It strikes me that a significant number of step parent haters posters need to go back to school and learn about how viruses are spread.

Give her the ridiculous sum she is demanding and make a mental note ready for when the mother wants to make a change to arrangements, have your No ready.