I think my daughters friend is neglected

[missA27]

My 8 year old daughter has a friend she met at school she asked if she could have her sleepover last week so i agreed when i went to pick her up i was shocked that the house was quite dirty and smelly witch fair enough i am very particular myself and like things kept a certain way, she then unpacke her things and put a blanket and pillow on my daughter bed they were thick black in muck and stunk like years of wet dog and stale ciggerette smoke i asked her if it was ok if i could wash them for her and she agreed so today its my daughter birthday and she asked if her friend could come for a day out and sleepover again when i again collected her the garden was covered in dog muck her dad ansered the door this time i could smell stale alcohol and he had the shakes my dad is an alcoholic so i know the signs and he matched them , he was dressed head to toe in designer gear though yet her friend came out in ill fitting clothes and a pair of wellies on a nice sunny day when i asked if she would be more comfy in a different pair of shoes she said she had no others her coat absoloutly stunk so ive managed to sneak it in to the washing machine i feel awful and cheeky but its making my house smell and i wouldn't feel right leaving her to wear it . the thing is she is a happy little girl and seems happy in her home life. the parents smoke dad obviously drinks i know times are hard but they can afford that so why are the kids in ill fitting smelly clothes they look unwashed also what would you do in this position?
thanks sorry for the ramble lol

I'm another one that think it is likely that SS will do nothing I'm afraid. A lot of your concerns are based around the fact that the house stinks because the occupants smoke and drink.

Smoking and drinking are legal.

Being untidy, dirty and messy is also not illegal. Neither is wearing dirty clothes.

If the child is not at risk of physical harm, sexual abuse, is attending school regularly and the DCs are not out dealing crack or robbing old ladies at knifepoint, then I think it is unlikely SS will get involved.

However school might do an Early Years intervention referral and the family will be assigned an EY support worker who works with the family with their consent. That might be worth a try?

Ironically my DD has a friend who lives in an absolute tip, dog shit in the kitchen, dirty, messy, every adult in the house smokes etc. The mother IS a social worker.

I agree you should absolutely speak to the school.

What a kind person you are . The child will not forget this. Poor thing.

@SnackSizeRaisin I never said this was because of cost of living. Another poster was asking what CoL meant, hence quoting the posters user name

Then went on to further say there will be children living like this due to cost of living. Had actually replied further down about this particular case being neglect and talking about several channels that can be used to help

It's so sad that this is needed. Of course it's wonderful of the school to try and equalise the children but how is this still happening. So sad.

Id have to get the child some clothes. But would also speak to school / safeguarding.

Just because her house/cleanliness doesn't match your standards it doesn't mean that it is of a concerning level but you are right to follow your instinct and make sure.

I'd maybe suggest a charity shop/car boot day for your daughter and her friend. Or some cheap/free bundles from Facebook market and then say 'these were given to me free, my daughters picked some bits out but the others she doesn't like/don't fit so she's given them to your daughter. Just give them to the charity shop if they are no good'

Or contact your local family centre. Explain someone you know is struggling. They usually have lots of free clothes available.

Lol, you could well be one of the families that gave to my DD when we were struggling. I always knew it was out of charity for us, and it did make me feel ashamed to need it but for my DD it was exciting to have something new to wear. I bitterly joked about us being the ‘Victorian urchin family’ of the neighbourhood. Everyone knew we were struggling.

Now we’re doing better (I have a job and ex has started paying some maintenance) I return the favour. And get DD to join in. She regularly goes through her toys to donate to a local children’s charity, and we give to the food bank. I always say to her, remember how they helped us when we needed it? Now we help others who need it too.

Any child safeguarding concern at all can be taken to the LADO as a last resort. She may find that easier to keep herself anonymous if she doesn't want to go through school.

This kind of safeguarding concern would not need to be taken to the LADO as a last resort, as the LADO’s colleagues who work within Front Door/MASH Teams should be dealing with it.

Staff working for LADO Teams would signpost the caller/referrer to the front-line Social Work Teams, if the concern does not relate to allegations against professionals or volunteers who work with children.

I'm also sadly in agreement that ss won't do anything.
You could always go along the lines of finding a deal on Fb market place? Maybe interacting with the mum more and push the idea of of getting freebies via Facebook but what you got doesn't fit your dd but might fit hers..
Hopefully the right kind of support comes soon x

This has never been the case In any local authority I have worked for. Social care would always pick up child safeguarding concerns. If they weren’t doing so appropriately the escalation would be through the social care management and Ofsted. I’m in England though. May be different elsewhere.

I was once a child who had nothing, struggling to find 50p for the electric meter, hiding from the rent man and not having clothes & toys, my parents always had money for fags & the pub though. If they had ever been offered anything in the way of money or donations they would have got angry and offended so I learnt it’s far better to give what the child needs under a non charity guise.

Saying that, there are a couple of wonderful groups who run food banks and donation centres near where I live, they are part of the struggling communities themselves so the families they help see no shame in taking their help.

Neglect is really hard to do anything about threshold very high. But please report to SS the more reports a family get the more likely that something will be done.
No doubt the family are known about and school have probably raised concerns previously. All you are seeing is a snap shot it's likely the whole picture is much worse.

Dirty clothes is neglect. The weather's been nice. You can handwash for pennies. If you care, you do something. I'm in a wheelchair and my kids are clean.

Poor children it must be awful to smell and be dirty. A primary I know of let's parent's wash their clothes at school. They even provide bio, non bio and softeners.

It is sad it is needed.

It would be much worse to ignore the problem and make children victims of their circumstance.

Poor child. Please report. It won't be long before other kids start avoiding her or name calling/bullying for her being smelly/unkempt. Being filthy and no having access to clean appropriate clothes is neglect.

Poor girl.