I think my daughters friend is neglected

[missA27]

My 8 year old daughter has a friend she met at school she asked if she could have her sleepover last week so i agreed when i went to pick her up i was shocked that the house was quite dirty and smelly witch fair enough i am very particular myself and like things kept a certain way, she then unpacke her things and put a blanket and pillow on my daughter bed they were thick black in muck and stunk like years of wet dog and stale ciggerette smoke i asked her if it was ok if i could wash them for her and she agreed so today its my daughter birthday and she asked if her friend could come for a day out and sleepover again when i again collected her the garden was covered in dog muck her dad ansered the door this time i could smell stale alcohol and he had the shakes my dad is an alcoholic so i know the signs and he matched them , he was dressed head to toe in designer gear though yet her friend came out in ill fitting clothes and a pair of wellies on a nice sunny day when i asked if she would be more comfy in a different pair of shoes she said she had no others her coat absoloutly stunk so ive managed to sneak it in to the washing machine i feel awful and cheeky but its making my house smell and i wouldn't feel right leaving her to wear it . the thing is she is a happy little girl and seems happy in her home life. the parents smoke dad obviously drinks i know times are hard but they can afford that so why are the kids in ill fitting smelly clothes they look unwashed also what would you do in this position?
thanks sorry for the ramble lol

just Google charities in and put your town or county in it’s not that complicated 🙄

I agree you are doing a wonderful job!

I would keep washing everything she brings over and ensuring she has a shower each time she visits. Like another poster said do lessons for both girls (but of course aimed at your daughters friend) on how to wash your hair, your bum, pits, face etc. it seems she will have had none of these lessons at home.

also the feeding of her. Large nutritious meals, as much as she wants. Do you do the school run with your daughter at all? Could you also walk with her friend? Bringing with you fruit, and other breakfast items to give away so she also gets breakfast?

I think if she has 1 pair of pants I’d go to the shop and find the closest matched pair and swap them. If her parent says anything you can claim innocent mix up but on the basis they aren’t washing her clothes it’s likely never going to be noticed as this far the clothes washing hasn’t been mentioned either.

@Allchangename354 Near me there is a charity, Growkids Thetford, which provides free second-hand clothes for 0-11 year olds. They are based in a shop and anyone can go in and take the clothes they need for their children. The initiative is run by a church but I imagine there are similar things around the country.

Somewhat off topic, but this isn’t an issue of poverty- it is neglect. The little girl said she only has one pair of knickers. Nobody in the UK is so poor they can only afford one pair of underwear for their child. And there is money for booze and designer clothes for the dad.

This is so sad. Poor little girl. It’s lovely that you’re being so kind to her.

Your daughter sounds like a wonderful, kind and caring child and with a lovely mum like you, it is no wonder.
Those of us who been neglected as children, never forget the feelings of shame and insecurity that we experienced. My siblings and I often talk about things that happened in our childhood and it is still painful.
Your positivity, support and your daughter’s non judgmental friendship will mean a lot to this child.
I am not sure what advice to offer in regard to what outside agencies can help this child. As others have said, the school will be well aware of her circumstances, but you will add to the information that they hold.

These are red flags ref safeguarding, OP. It is likeky SS know the family, but they may be able to offer more help if they are brought more up to date with things.

Poor girl, I do hope she is OK.

Well done for helping out where you can, too.

As a child care professional the signs you are describing are the ones we look out for when looking at neglect. Family may just be struggling and need a bit of help and support. I would ring your local safeguarding board and just say that you are concerned. You do not have to leave your name.

Hi @missA27 i had to post on this thread, you are so kind, so lovely of you to look out for this little girl x

I buy and sell clothes but children’s are tricky to sell on pm me her size and your address I’ll sort out what I get for her

I know of at least 3 churches in my area which have a clothing/toy bank they donate to families from. I'm sure larger cities will have many more which do, plus mosques, temples doing the same.

Our Emmaus branch gives items away for free if you can show you're on certain benefits.

Our Foodbank offers second hand childrens clothing as a matter of course when people come with their voucher.

Our Salvation Army branch is open twice a week doing a free swap shop for clothing/toys/household items.

We've also had 2 local charities set up during COVID which collect food from supermarkets at the end of the day to distribute to families. They have collection points in a few places in town where they will distribute clothing/toys you put into them.

I've seen a few people on Twitter who run this type of redistribution locally.

There are many more ways of giving items to charity than via charity shops.

In the Reading area The Cowshed is a really good organisation to donate to.

Thanks - I googled my area - first two sponsored links for national or international then the council and NHS, advocacy for children in care. We have good food banks (how dreadful to need to say that). I’ll look out at the local shop/church notice boards.

@HorribleCow7 so sorry you experienced this x

You sound lovely.

I work in a school and we have running lists of dates and info we gather on children we are worried about. Our deputy principal is in regular touch with social services so a fuller picture can be seen

i agree with the being careful with donations, I disguise them in lots of creative ways.

yoive got a good heart and a hood head, keep doing what you are doing and if you can sneak in an outfit or two and some undies that would be amazing.

she’s been seen

A pack of cigarettes is now £15. A wash costs £1? There is a cost of living crisis for sure....but there are also shit parents making shit choices. This is neglect.

OP, you sound wonderful and so kind. Bless you. Other posters have outlined already but any submission you make to safeguarding services should be completely factual. Do not put anything emotive, merely observational. You can also go to the chair of governors and the local authority designated officer (LADO) If you google that phrase, you will find a route to them. Please, please don't hesitate.

Why don't you speak to the mother ??? Or the child. Some people might need support instead of you washing her duvet !

Absolutely this!

I use to get lots of hand me downs, some 5/6 sizes bigger than my DDs, I’d section them up and gift most to friends/parents at the school I knew were in greater need than me, I’d also occasionally pick up a charity shop bargain and pretend it was a hand me down for one family I knew were struggling. I’d always word it as them doing me a favour for not having to store it or take it to the charity shop.

Your definitely being very kind op, the little girl is very lucky to have someone care enough to ask what to do.

@Staggeringthrough2023 what part of my reply made you feel like you had to quote me? I'm well aware this is neglect. If you read the full threat you would have seen I replied earlier to the OP about the red flags etc and avenues to go down to help the little girl.

I was purely replying to a previous poster asking what CoL meant 🤷‍♀️ Though it is true there will be many kids living like this now due to CoL who do have caring parents not just neglectful ones so the staff both at school and SS will have to tread carefully due to this

Why would she contact the LADO? Is that for allegations/concerns against staff working with children.

This sounds like significant neglect.

Sadly many children living in circumstances like this don't have a lot of friends. If you report directly to children's services, you can be anonymous but the parents will often focus on guessing who has made the referral and be able to guess from the worries raised.

If you refer to NSPCC they will make a referral to children's services with the details so the outcome may be similar.

I don't think there is any debate that you must report it, but if you go through school safeguarding and they have other concerns they can share as part of the picture. They can also offer school support. This might reduce the risk of the friendship being cut off so you can carry on supporting.

Do you live in an area where there are any grass roots community interest groups or projects? They often do very affordable community activities and have subtle ways of getting resources like clothing to families. If you have something like this perhaps you could say your daughter wants to do an activity through such a group and invite her friend along

Our reception team at school are the ultimate professionals! Not some gossips!
The designated safeguarding leads for the school should be on the school website as well as the out of hours contact details.

This doesn't sound like it's a result of the cost of living increase. Smoking and drinking are really expensive. Much dearer than soap. Children's clothes can easily be had for next to nothing if parents are that hard up. There are bags of them on FB marketplace for less than a packet of cigarettes.

As a teacher, school are probably well aware of her hygiene issues and are building a picture with lots of safeguarding reports around it, but sometimes we wish we had access to know what home life is really like so I'm sure they would hugely appreciate a report from you!

It may seem like nothing gets done but the school will probably start working with the family by signposting them to support, making sure she's fed, getting uniform for her etc. whilst they continue to put the puzzle pieces together.

THANKYOU :)

us “receptionists” are often more than phone answerers and bandaid putter onners :)

in fact, it’s often us that have the best relationships with the kids, with the parents and can identify where help and support is needed