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I think my daughters friend is neglected

142 replies

missA27 · 15/04/2023 17:40

My 8 year old daughter has a friend she met at school she asked if she could have her sleepover last week so i agreed when i went to pick her up i was shocked that the house was quite dirty and smelly witch fair enough i am very particular myself and like things kept a certain way, she then unpacke her things and put a blanket and pillow on my daughter bed they were thick black in muck and stunk like years of wet dog and stale ciggerette smoke i asked her if it was ok if i could wash them for her and she agreed so today its my daughter birthday and she asked if her friend could come for a day out and sleepover again when i again collected her the garden was covered in dog muck her dad ansered the door this time i could smell stale alcohol and he had the shakes my dad is an alcoholic so i know the signs and he matched them , he was dressed head to toe in designer gear though yet her friend came out in ill fitting clothes and a pair of wellies on a nice sunny day when i asked if she would be more comfy in a different pair of shoes she said she had no others her coat absoloutly stunk so ive managed to sneak it in to the washing machine i feel awful and cheeky but its making my house smell and i wouldn't feel right leaving her to wear it . the thing is she is a happy little girl and seems happy in her home life. the parents smoke dad obviously drinks i know times are hard but they can afford that so why are the kids in ill fitting smelly clothes they look unwashed also what would you do in this position?
thanks sorry for the ramble lol

OP posts:
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mincedtart · 15/04/2023 23:34

Why so angry

mincedtart · 15/04/2023 23:34

Rlq · 15/04/2023 22:48

Why don't you speak to the mother ??? Or the child. Some people might need support instead of you washing her duvet !

Why so angry

Fluffyrug191 · 15/04/2023 23:35

Her asking you to wash her things is likely her hoping you notice and help. I would try and gently talk to her about what is going on at home so you can have a fuller picture to report. It sounds like she trusts you. It's a tough position to be in but you don't have a choice but to be a voice for this child: whether that's having a chat with school or CSC. I'm a health professional working closely with families and I am also getting a red flag for a toxic trio in this house, substance abuse, mental health and domestic abuse. The picture you painted of dad made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I'm not often wrong. Very poor personal hygiene can be a red flag for sexual abuse.

Jellifulfruit · 15/04/2023 23:42

🥺🥺

JingleBellez · 15/04/2023 23:44

HermioneWeasley · 15/04/2023 22:27

Somewhat off topic, but this isn’t an issue of poverty- it is neglect. The little girl said she only has one pair of knickers. Nobody in the UK is so poor they can only afford one pair of underwear for their child. And there is money for booze and designer clothes for the dad.

I'm really sorry to inform you but there's a huge gulf of poverty in Britain today.

3.9 million children in poverty in Britain in 2023 (Source: James Rowntree foundation) 7.9 million adults in poverty in Britain.

  • half of the poorest fifth of families say they have reduced spending on food for adults
  • around four in ten families with children are spending less on food for their children
  • half are already reducing the number of showers they take
  • around six in ten are heating their home less.

I've taught in schools where children have no lunch and no lunch money for 38 weeks. Poor enough to not get handouts not poor enough to get free school meals as parent works for NMW.

JingleBellez · 15/04/2023 23:46

I once covered a class. During PE the students changed. One lad had no underpants on - his Mum couldn't afford them! Yes, I bought a pack and dropped into his backpack.

Not everyone has the same lifestyle and life chances as you.

Fluffymule · 15/04/2023 23:49

Thank you for caring OP.

This reminds me of a little boy in my Primary school when I was about 7 or 8. He was in my class. He was always dirty and smelly, bad teeth, filthy clothes with holes in, the same ones every single day.

He was ostracised by all the kids in our class. Lots of them were actively cruel, laughing and name calling. I remember he would always be stood alone in the same spot in the playground every play-time every day. Never involved.

It breaks my heart to remember him now. I do think of him whenever I hear stories like yours. As an adult and with hindsight it was clear he was neglected and his basic needs ignored. I wish I could go back in time and show him the same kindness as you are doing for this little girl.

surreygirl1987 · 15/04/2023 23:54

This thread made me read up. OP, you are such a kind person. Thank you so much for doing this for this little girl - you are having a tremendous impact on her life.

You definitely need to report it. I'd report your concerns to children's services AND the school, to cover all bases. This is neglect, and neglect counts as a form of abuse in safeguarding terms. Therefore, this little girl is suffering from abuse.

I love the car boot idea and also the idea of passing on things that are 'too big' for your daughter. If I can send you anything, please let me know. I agree with the PP that said be careful though. Anything expensive could end up being sold by a parent to fund alcohol etc, so I'd get nothing flashy or that looks expensive. I like your idea of trying to get identical pants etc- that's smart. Just a thought - you can get reversible clothes (hoodies etc) so to the child it would be like having two outfits?

Thank you again for being a lovely person.

Mikogirl · 15/04/2023 23:55

Agree with the posters here, pls let the school know.

Chateau13 · 15/04/2023 23:55

I reported someone I knew off that her children were being left alone and I’ve never regretted the decision. I sent an anonymous email to the NSPCC but with my genuine email address giving as much information as possible and within a week the police and SS made a visit. They are no longer being left and are now happier from what I can see. If there’s nothing wrong with the child’s home environment then you’ve still done the right thing.

nzeire · 16/04/2023 00:01

We had one little guy that kept losing his shoes. His mum was so angry and him, then us when we got him new ones. They were immediately taken off him and thrown back into the playground.

he came the next day, middle of winter, pouring rain wearing about 5 pairs of socks, to act as shoes. He was so embarrassed. We took to getting him changed at school, washing his clothes and returning him home in what he arrived in.

we made his life as happy as could be while he was with us for the 6 hours a day. His mum was struggling so much, had some serious mental health issues.

we got ss involved who in turn got other members of the family around the table. What the mum wouldn’t take from us, she took from her own mum who moved down to be closer, took him in and gave him a warm and stable life while mum got support

everyone needs to be on board in a kind and gentle way, just keep noticing these kids and do what you can do

Marchsnowstorms · 16/04/2023 00:10

Fluffymule · 15/04/2023 23:49

Thank you for caring OP.

This reminds me of a little boy in my Primary school when I was about 7 or 8. He was in my class. He was always dirty and smelly, bad teeth, filthy clothes with holes in, the same ones every single day.

He was ostracised by all the kids in our class. Lots of them were actively cruel, laughing and name calling. I remember he would always be stood alone in the same spot in the playground every play-time every day. Never involved.

It breaks my heart to remember him now. I do think of him whenever I hear stories like yours. As an adult and with hindsight it was clear he was neglected and his basic needs ignored. I wish I could go back in time and show him the same kindness as you are doing for this little girl.

Gosh this hits a cord. I had a boy in my class when I was 7/8 who we just thought was really really naughty but looking back he obv had very serious issues. He'd trash the classroom. He'd get punished (cane was still a thing). I'd love to know what really was going on

BreaktheCycle · 16/04/2023 00:11

The LADO (Local Authority Designated Officer/Social Worker) and their team only deal with allegations against professionals and volunteers that work with children. Therefore, do not contact the LADO.

This is clearly Neglect and this poor child is crying out for help. There may be more going on behind closed doors.

Please contact the MASH/Front Door Team, Children’s Services (Social Services) at your local Council. The Duty Social Worker that you will initially come into contact with, will have to act on this information regardless of resources.

You’re a kind person for washing this little girl’s clothing, but her parents also need to be supported to hopefully enable them to be able to keep their child in their care.

IME, a lot of school staff are still unfortunately not fully aware of the full extent of their safeguarding responsibilities, including the DSL’s (Designated Safeguarding Officers). School staff already have a lot on their plates, especially since the arrival of COVID-19 and the rise of MH and behavioural issues in children as a result. Record increases in requests for ADHD/Autism diagnosis, managing clothing and support for students and their families during this COL, etc.

School Staff are not Social Workers and school budgets have been decimated, hence the Teachers’ Strikes.
Children’s Services have a legal duty to allocate their budgets re. these concerns.

Report to the school, but please also report to the Front Door/MASH Team, so all agencies are made aware of this child’s unfortunate circumstances.

The School Receptionist will have been trained like all other school staff and should be discrete, so speak to the School Receptionist if need be.
You could also speak to the School Welfare Officer who will pass on concerns to the DSL.

Well done for posting on here for help. The World would be a much better place if everyone was as caring as you.

FearTheWankingDead · 16/04/2023 00:11

missA27 · 15/04/2023 17:48

yes this is what i was thinking of doing tbh but just dont know if im over reacting and interfearing x

I would do something as soon as possible.
I would hate to read another horrible story in the news.

BreaktheCycle · 16/04/2023 00:14

*MASH (Multi-Agency Safeguarding Hub)

GingereIIa · 16/04/2023 00:23

FFSFF · 15/04/2023 21:32

Absolutely. I have twin daughters (and the one is now a boy), so I have 3 bags of outgrown clothes sitting in the lounge that I need to find a home for. I would be more than happy to send some 😀.

Please don't send anything of value via MN

Shoemadlady · 16/04/2023 00:58

I would absolutely report this. Everyone is so polite now as noti wanting to hurt feeling s, but as a parent your gut instinct is right. Sounds like there's some real neglect there and god forbid anything went wrong, absolutely report

LuluBlakey1 · 16/04/2023 01:07

missA27 · 15/04/2023 20:03

the carboot sale idea is such a good idea i think i will do this and if her mum doesnt give her any money i would buy a few things then it doesnt look like i am being patronizing does it, or the hand me down idea could be a good one ive just washed her underwear and taking it and its still stained :( they are her only pair she said xx

You should include this level of detail in your concerns to social services- they need specific details . It is a detail that would ratchet the concern up.

fairywhale · 16/04/2023 01:33

Your suspicions are based on a dirty coat and house not meeting your standards, plus the bedding that didn't look great to you-they may have got it out of the loft or garage or something.
If she has nothing but the wellies, what does she wear to school?
This is batshit.

monsteramunch · 16/04/2023 01:36

fairywhale · 16/04/2023 01:33

Your suspicions are based on a dirty coat and house not meeting your standards, plus the bedding that didn't look great to you-they may have got it out of the loft or garage or something.
If she has nothing but the wellies, what does she wear to school?
This is batshit.

You don't think this is a serious concern?

ive just washed her underwear and taking it and its still stained :( they are her only pair she said

k1233 · 16/04/2023 01:38

I would suggest using a little bit of caution. If the father is like you say, he'll probably notice new clothes etc and go off along the lines of who are you to think we need your charity etc and cut you off. It might be better to speak to the mum at drop off / pick up and say a friend has a bunch of clothes to hand on, but they're too big for your daughter - would she be interested in them? That way you're not going behind her back. You could either give her the bag or say you'll let Susie have a look through next time she's over. For knickers, friend bought the wrong size and as they'd been unpacked and tried on couldn't return.

For the little girl, you could teach both children how to use the washing machine, start to cook easy meals. Anything to give Susie skills to look after herself and it would be great for your daughter too.

PrinnyPree · 16/04/2023 02:39

Eas1lyd1stracted · 15/04/2023 23:03

This sounds like significant neglect.

Sadly many children living in circumstances like this don't have a lot of friends. If you report directly to children's services, you can be anonymous but the parents will often focus on guessing who has made the referral and be able to guess from the worries raised.

If you refer to NSPCC they will make a referral to children's services with the details so the outcome may be similar.

I don't think there is any debate that you must report it, but if you go through school safeguarding and they have other concerns they can share as part of the picture. They can also offer school support. This might reduce the risk of the friendship being cut off so you can carry on supporting.

Do you live in an area where there are any grass roots community interest groups or projects? They often do very affordable community activities and have subtle ways of getting resources like clothing to families. If you have something like this perhaps you could say your daughter wants to do an activity through such a group and invite her friend along

These were my thoughts too, I'd go through the school so they (the parents) don't cut you off from your DDs friend out of spite or paranoia if they suspect its you or one of their DDs friends that have made a SS report. Xx

MissMarplesbag · 16/04/2023 05:14

The Sally army does lots of work with families and children, get in touch with your local branch. I understand you don't want to highlight the issues your dd's friend faces to her family. I'd go through the school and explain what you're doing and they probably know already.

sashh · 16/04/2023 06:18

Another vote for talk to the school.

They can involve social services but there could be other things they can do.

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