I think my daughters friend is neglected

[missA27]

My 8 year old daughter has a friend she met at school she asked if she could have her sleepover last week so i agreed when i went to pick her up i was shocked that the house was quite dirty and smelly witch fair enough i am very particular myself and like things kept a certain way, she then unpacke her things and put a blanket and pillow on my daughter bed they were thick black in muck and stunk like years of wet dog and stale ciggerette smoke i asked her if it was ok if i could wash them for her and she agreed so today its my daughter birthday and she asked if her friend could come for a day out and sleepover again when i again collected her the garden was covered in dog muck her dad ansered the door this time i could smell stale alcohol and he had the shakes my dad is an alcoholic so i know the signs and he matched them , he was dressed head to toe in designer gear though yet her friend came out in ill fitting clothes and a pair of wellies on a nice sunny day when i asked if she would be more comfy in a different pair of shoes she said she had no others her coat absoloutly stunk so ive managed to sneak it in to the washing machine i feel awful and cheeky but its making my house smell and i wouldn't feel right leaving her to wear it . the thing is she is a happy little girl and seems happy in her home life. the parents smoke dad obviously drinks i know times are hard but they can afford that so why are the kids in ill fitting smelly clothes they look unwashed also what would you do in this position?
thanks sorry for the ramble lol

Safeguarding in our local state primary school is brilliant. It's there to build a picture not catch out the normal life of a normal kid who spills things or forgets their pe kit occasionally.
It's there to log the random comments - like I only have one pair of pants (is that really true or does the child mean just one with a red flower on) then add other observations - never, ever pe kit, alway late, often forgotten at pick up time.
It builds a picture of the kids home life.
You will probably find the safeguarding school email address on the website.

You sound lovely OP. The little girl is lucky to have you in her corner.

I was probably this child growing up. Mum
and dad separated. Growing up was really difficult.

we used to go to our grandmas at the weekend and the first thing she did was bath us and change our clothes.

I think it used to break her heart the way we used to turn up, her knowing we weren’t looked after the best way. But was over 30 years ago now so different times. If it was now I know she wouldn’t have sent us back to her.

I know your kindness to this little girl will mean the absolute world. Knowing that she’s coming to stay will make things a little happier x

This thread is heartbreaking 😢@sealon82 that you remember the caravan holiday

I would report it to social services and to school safeguarding to cover all areas.

There's not much you can do without drawing too much attention to yourself and potentially have her family cut ties with you if they realise where concerns have come from.

I would offer to have her visit you as much as possible/you are able/are comfortable with. Ensure she always gets a hot meal and leaves clean.

If you can afford to and are happy to perhaps you could grab a few bits from a charity shop and claim 'they are hand me downs that won't fit your daughter so they might aswell make use of them'.

Of course you shouldn't have to do any of this, but if you are happy to then I would for the child's sake.

It's horrendous that a child is being left this way. It's basic hygiene and basic care.

The cigarette smell is something that really bothers me. One of my DC's friends lives in a house where the parents smoke and his coat reeks of cigarettes. When he comes over it really is awful. Stinks out my house. I understand why you have done what you've done OP. It could be that your DD's friend genuinely knows no different and that's just her normal life. I feel sad knowing parents do smoke in front of their DC.

You did a good deed washing the blanket and coat.

Poor little lamb. You’re being so kind. As for giving her second hand clothes if you find anything, you could invent a friend of yours with an older dd, who doesn’t live locally, who is passing things down. Your DD’s friend can then wear them now as they’re too big for your dd.

You sound lovely OP and definitely report your concerns to the safeguarding person at school although they will have probably already noticed the dirt/smell/ill fitting clothes.

I will say just be careful about giving her too much. When DS1 was younger his friend used to come over to our house after school a lot as his Mum wasn't in and wouldn't give him a key. He pretty much ate tea here every night and then would ask if he could take food home with him, always fruit rather than biscuits etc bless him and off course I said yes. Mum eventually banned him from.coming round as she thought him going home with fruit from our house everyday was us looking down on her and sticking our noses in.

Some great ideas here, nothing to add but wanted to say thank you OP for doing what you can for this little girl. It’s heartbreaking and she’s lucky she has someone looking out for her like you. You’re definitely not being unreasonable to wash her things.

It's really heartbreaking that so many people grow up or are living like this. That caravan holiday was a week in laysdown, It was like Disney land to me. Looking back now it was so kind of my friends Nan, there's no way I would have been sent with spending money so when we went to the arcades ect it was all out of her own pocket. She was single and worked in a bakery so wouldn't have had loads anyway. Lovely lady and people like her make so much difference.

op - ive a lot of kids. What size is she? happy to post some clothes.

@sealon82
I’m sure you have a happy life now and lovely that you remember kind Nan 🥲bless her genuinely. honestly this thread made me upset

and underwear. I'd happily get her a ten pack new.

Definitely speak to school about this and also do an anonymous report to social services.

Neglect is more than physically abusing a child as you are aware from your concern in the post and the lack of appropriate clothing and the poor hygiene would be a concern. You may find the family is offered additional help and support of some kind.

If you are able to and willing to, how about offering to have her over one afternoon evening a week, Friday would be good as you could possibly was her uniform for her whilst the girls play. Maybe put more food on her plate too and offer treats. And more lunch in DD lunch box to pass to her friend if she doesn't have enough.

You are so kind though to be this concerned, many children suffering fall under the radar and hopefully your concern will help build a bigger picture and help the family

OP you sound so lovely, what a heartbreaking situation.

I think that the bag of ‘hand me downs that don’t fit’ is a genius idea!

Speaking to the school’s designated safeguarding lead is a good plan. They will likely already have her on their radar, but my worry is that there is very little that can/will be done.

I understand from previous posters on here with lived experience that what you are doing with regards taking her under your wing, will mean such a great deal. If you’re in a position to keep doing so, I absolutely would continue with that.

In your shoes I’d be curious as to whether I could support the parents in any way, possibly the mum as it seems dad may be in need of professional help rather than a friendly ear… Could you strike up a conversation? (Sounds easier written down, I appreciate!) You’ll have a gut instinct already I’m sure as to whether this might work or whether it might go down like a lead balloon…

You're wonderful OP. This little girl will look back in years to come at your kindness & never forget it, I'm sure.

How come they manage to get her to school in clean and non-smelling clothes, such that none of the staff have ever noticed, if everything in the house stinks and is filthy?

I do think that this needs reported to school. It’s unusual for an 8 year old to think about clothes washing so I think it is probably really bad at home for her to be bringing things for you to wash.

People often struggle to accept charity, even for their children, so I agree with the previous poster who said to go easy with how much you send.

“She forgot her pants so I’ve given her a spare pair” will go down better than “I’ve bought her a new pair of trainers”. I also like the idea of taking them both to a boot fair as an activity.

Probably the kindest thing you can do is have her over regularly and always send her home clean, in clean clothes and with a decent meal in her tummy irrespective of the time she comes. And offer support with school things a bit if you can.

Write it all down in a factual way.

When I collected Jane she was wearing wellies. I asked her if she wanted to wear different shoes and she told me that she did not have any other shoes. Jane's clothes were not clean. I noticed that Jane's father smelt of alcohol.

This would make my heart break. I'd buy her some clothing bits if it's in your budget. Decathalon do nice trainers very cheap. I'd just say I saw them in the sale and thought she would like them and give her them when she comes to your house. You could get her and your dc matching pj and slippers.

And yes I'd quietly tell the school

I'm surprised you even need to ask if it needs reporting. Of course it does.

What is CoL? @Inthebathagain

I know schools that wash kids uniforms for them or give them a clean change when they arrive.

If dad has substance abuse issues and is dressed well & mum seems polite at school but not dressed well, I’d suspect domestic abuse involved, not just neglect of the little girl. Definitely mention to safeguarding.

@Okthenhun CoL is cost of living. Many more families are struggling so cases like this will be on the rise sadly