I think my daughters friend is neglected

[missA27]

My 8 year old daughter has a friend she met at school she asked if she could have her sleepover last week so i agreed when i went to pick her up i was shocked that the house was quite dirty and smelly witch fair enough i am very particular myself and like things kept a certain way, she then unpacke her things and put a blanket and pillow on my daughter bed they were thick black in muck and stunk like years of wet dog and stale ciggerette smoke i asked her if it was ok if i could wash them for her and she agreed so today its my daughter birthday and she asked if her friend could come for a day out and sleepover again when i again collected her the garden was covered in dog muck her dad ansered the door this time i could smell stale alcohol and he had the shakes my dad is an alcoholic so i know the signs and he matched them , he was dressed head to toe in designer gear though yet her friend came out in ill fitting clothes and a pair of wellies on a nice sunny day when i asked if she would be more comfy in a different pair of shoes she said she had no others her coat absoloutly stunk so ive managed to sneak it in to the washing machine i feel awful and cheeky but its making my house smell and i wouldn't feel right leaving her to wear it . the thing is she is a happy little girl and seems happy in her home life. the parents smoke dad obviously drinks i know times are hard but they can afford that so why are the kids in ill fitting smelly clothes they look unwashed also what would you do in this position?
thanks sorry for the ramble lol

Deffo the bag of hand me downs! She’ll remember you forever! Bless her, deffo report to school, I assume it’s probably already been raised. It’s such a difficult situation to address without being patronising, I say if you can remain contact let her stay over with your DD and help where you can without pushing boundaries. She might even open up to you about home life. You’re amazing OP.

Wouldn't this risk the OP being outted as the person to report it? Unless OP is okay with the family knowing, I would worry that the child would no longer be allowed to come to my house anymore and ruin the friendship between the girls. Although I've no idea how it works once a concern is reported

I disagree that it's better to go directly to SS. The school is already involved with the child. It will add to the information that they no doubt already have on her.

When a child in my class told me he wasn't getting dinner at night the school started feeding him at 3pm that very day.

Cost of living

Absolutely. I have twin daughters (and the one is now a boy), so I have 3 bags of outgrown clothes sitting in the lounge that I need to find a home for. I would be more than happy to send some 😀.

Possibly the school have noticed, and are quietly swapping her clothes for clean ones every PE day and washing the dirty set?

Wouldn't this risk the OP being outted as the person to report it? Unless OP is okay with the family knowing, I would worry that the child would no longer be allowed to come to my house anymore and ruin the friendship between the girls. Although I've no idea how it works once a concern is reported

Are you suggesting that the OP doesn't report a neglected child in case their friendship is ruined

She can't report it without any details. Not if it's going to count for anything. And she can't not report it.

If what you are saying is true then no you are not over reacting and interfering. Please report this, at least to the school - as you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Please tell school - it's not your job to worry about whether you're being unreasonable or not, but it IS your job to report anything that makes even you wonder if it's a safeguarding concern. Have a quiet word with the teacher or ask for the safeguarding lead, and tell them the facts.

I see somebody else is happy to buy a pack of knickers - I'm in for a pack of socks for her.

That's very different though. The child told you, not the parent of a friend of the child.

It's now the weekend. And many schools are still on holiday for another week.

When a school makes a report to children's services, it's weak including "a parent told us the child was dirty..." as it isn't first hand information.

The school will be fully aware of the smell of the poor lass and the state of her clothes. They'll have seen her school bag and probably done a home visit or two. They'll see the parents daily at drop off and pick up. There's every chance those wellies are being worn to school if they're all she's got. The school probably can't do any more than they're doing.

By reporting directly to Children's Services, you're being heard as an additional voice to the school's concerns. Two voices are better than one.

@missA27 one thing you might be able to do which would potentially make things much easier for her going forward is make sure she knows how to wash properly (pits and bits, before it becomes really important), and her hair, and tell her she should shower every couple of days at home and check she can clean her teeth properly etc. Could she and your daughter go to a shop (Lush maybe?) and choose a bar of shampoo that could also be used for her body ‘as a treat’? Personalised towel for her birthday too maybe? Assuming there must be a bathroom at her house, if she knows she should wash often, and is at least keeping herself properly clean, that is something that she can do, quite subtly, and without drawing attention to any interventions on your part?

I'm glad this little girl has found you.
I know how stressful it is as a child to be smelly and have nothing to wear. I wore my stepmothers brothers borrowed shirt for years until she took it off me again.
I would have been delighted with some second hand clothes and new knickers. It sounds like she trusts you. I would have gone home in shame if I felt you were “on" to me being scrummy, I was so embarrassed.

Please can I urge those of you who are touched by this story and who are able to, to please make a donation of old clothes/toys/furniture etc to a local charity near to you who try to address the needs these families face.

You won't be able to help the OP in this post, but there are more and more children and families like this one in your town, your village and your city who you can help.

Schools, children's services and charities are but a sticking plaster on what is happening these days in so many homes. Too much need, too little resource.

You sound like a very kind, caring person. X

I think that she is asking you to wash her things now is very telling. It must be really difficult to live in a home that is dirty. Untidy and dirty are 2 very different things.
when I was a social worker I worked with several families who had really dirty, and in a couple of cases, dangerously unhygienic and unkempt homes. They all loved their children but all had other issues, mainly substance and mental Health related issues.

I do think contacting social care and speaking to the school is a good route to go down. Hopefully people are already trying to support them.

No child wants to be ‘ the smelly’ child as school. No one, child or adult, wants to feel dirty or different. It’s great that she has your home to come too though and a good friend. Hopefully things improve for her and her family.

I have thought also OP’s DD must be a very kind little girl to not notice any of these things, some children even at a young go can be judgmental, it seems OP’s DD is as kind as her mum

I wouldn’t report to SS for a few reasons, first being that they can only really suggest things not enforce anything, they don’t have the resources and funding to intervene unless in the absolute worst cases, even then, it is really, really dragged out and can take years or results in the death of the child. You may think this is bad and it is, but there are worse cases. Their involvement is very stressful on families and traumatic and that could lead to worsening mental health issues in the parents and lashing out on the children. That was the case with someone I know. What if the report makes the parents suspicious of you and they cut you off from the child?

I grew up like this with my brother. Money went on alcohol. Everyone thought my parents were alright but they were always physically fighting when pissed.
no one spoke up.

my gran was so frustrated with the state of us when we stayed and would go out the next morning and buy us clothes because the ones we had were fucked.
as I grew I had to hand wash my school clothes and put them in the boiler cupboard to dry , they refused to use the washing machine due to electricity meter. We’d often run out of power, but never of drink.

The laundry pile was so huge it took over my parents bedroom and my father once got lost in it, totally drunk (I swear!) They kept getting small animals and letting them roam the house, shitting everywhere. the older I got, the braver my drunk mum would get and she did start physical violence with me too. The house was prone to mice and horrible insects.

No one realised the severity of it. i left home at 16, done with it.

I remember moving in with my now-DH and he was absolutely puzzled when I questioned him about using the washing machine and tumble dryer. He looked at me like I was an alien.

and then history repeated itself, my sister was born and by the age of ten she was in dirty clothes, head lice. She kept coming to my house, asking to use my shower and washing machine. It was then I realised how awful I too had been treated.

I spoke to social services. They wanted to the visit the house but without my parents consent they couldn’t actually go in. The dirty clothes were stashed in double wardrobes in case they did actually come in. They had animals shitting everywhere again. And social services could do fuck all but just record it. And in the end my sister left like I did and her life is a mess.

The school will be a little more protective and aware of any bullying, and what needs the child has in terms of food etc.

I used to get hand me downs from my cousin , omg I felt like I won the lottery seeing the odd branded thing in there, I felt like I fitted in.

When my gran washed my clothes I’d never felt cleaner honestly.

whatever you can do for that girl, please do. You’ll be a bloody lifeline. But remember don’t let it get too much for you either. Let the school and social know. They aren’t going to go barging in.

I used to teach in Blackpool. A school gives out stuff needed. I donate as much generic uniform and clothes as I can. It broke my heart when the Head answered that things children needed were "bedding, duvets, towels, shoes...anything".

Please please tell the school. That is no home life for the poor girl. When you see her she is probably happy she's out of her hell hole 'home' and masking how awful her life is. Get her help x

Its awful, I was always so ashamed of not having bedding, literally just a dirty blanket on a bare mattress. Also sanitary products. I remember having to use socks as sanitary towels. Enough money for 20 fags a day though.

No advice to add to others, but you sound lovely. The fact she’s bringing thing to you to ask to wash is a huge flag and so sad. Hopefully that information will help school raise a a concern.

You sound lovely and it looks as if your daughter takes after you, This little girl will always remember your kindness.

Can I ask for a suggested charity/organisation? Maybe you could randomly chose a city and give an example and il look at my area.

The charity shops I know are more aimed at making money through selling the donated clothes rather than passing them on. So even if cheap only works with someone wanting to take their child there.

Parents may also accept things from school they wouldn't from friends or neighbours - food parcels, clothes etc

If you contact the school on Monday & speak to the safeguarding lead they will know what to do

But you and your DD are doing the best thing already, being a kind parent, a good friend and giving her a safe non judgemental space. It was kind of you to wash her clothes, just be careful offering too many treats in case her parents feel offended.