I think my daughters friend is neglected

[missA27]

My 8 year old daughter has a friend she met at school she asked if she could have her sleepover last week so i agreed when i went to pick her up i was shocked that the house was quite dirty and smelly witch fair enough i am very particular myself and like things kept a certain way, she then unpacke her things and put a blanket and pillow on my daughter bed they were thick black in muck and stunk like years of wet dog and stale ciggerette smoke i asked her if it was ok if i could wash them for her and she agreed so today its my daughter birthday and she asked if her friend could come for a day out and sleepover again when i again collected her the garden was covered in dog muck her dad ansered the door this time i could smell stale alcohol and he had the shakes my dad is an alcoholic so i know the signs and he matched them , he was dressed head to toe in designer gear though yet her friend came out in ill fitting clothes and a pair of wellies on a nice sunny day when i asked if she would be more comfy in a different pair of shoes she said she had no others her coat absoloutly stunk so ive managed to sneak it in to the washing machine i feel awful and cheeky but its making my house smell and i wouldn't feel right leaving her to wear it . the thing is she is a happy little girl and seems happy in her home life. the parents smoke dad obviously drinks i know times are hard but they can afford that so why are the kids in ill fitting smelly clothes they look unwashed also what would you do in this position?
thanks sorry for the ramble lol

Speak to the teacher when term starts. I doubt it has gone unnoticed but your observations may add to their picture.

Do you have a safeguarding person at school?

Though TBH, if be tempted to start with SS on Monday and then school. I'd be surprised if the family isn't already on the radar

yes this is what i was thinking of doing tbh but just dont know if im over reacting and interfearing x

You cannot form any definitive conclusions from what you have. But this might be an important piece of thr jigsaw in a bigger picture.

The best thing you could do is to write this in an email to school. Send it to the head@ email address, its not really the sort if thing you want the receptionist reading.

School can they judge if they think, with other information they have, the family need extra support from children's services.

If you have a concern, report directly into children's services. It's easy enough to do.

It doesn't sound as strong coming via the school. It may be they're already on their caseload.

Due to CoL, the threshold for neglect is extremely high now. From what you've described, this family will probably have a phone call at best.

At reception there are normally a list of safeguarding people to report to. It’s generally the head teacher who is in charge of safeguarding. I would possibly pop an email of concern over or call for a quick chat. You could do an anonymous report to children’s services, they won’t disclose it’s you. As an ex smoker it’s no excuse, my children have always been very well dressed but substance abuse issues can cause alsorts of problems within a family. You are not over reacting, sometimes you have to do what is best for the child. Who is advocating for her? Who is looking out for her? Please stand up for her, despite any emotions. Social services can’t spot these children who need help if we turn a blind eye.

I would report your concerns, though if she’s not being beaten or starved nothing will happen. She’s of an age where she will start to be very conscious of the difference between her home and her friends’ so continue being kind and maybe pass her stuff in a very low key way because your DD doesn’t need it any more, or got given 2 or whatever.

thankyou all shes alot bigger than my daughter so i cant give her any things or i would of done shes had a nice shower here tonight and she bought some of her teddies and asked if i could wash them and her blanket again :( think i definatly need to report this to some one though i have a gut feeling telling me to and you guys all think the same but im not sure anything will be done xx

Bless her, that’s so sad that she’s aware enough she wants you to wash things. A friend who I met as an adult told me about her childhood which sounds similar, and how kind her friend’s mum was. She spent most weekends there and her friend’s mum just treated it like it was completely normal, washing her uniform and passing on clothes.

You sound really kind and caring, please continue to look after her as best you can. I know clothes etc can be expensive but maybe you could buy a few nice things for her on Vinted etc or a charity shop. You're making a very positive influence on her life which I'm sure as she gets older she'll really appreciate it xx

You sound lovely Op @missA27

You Need to look into safe guarding in school

oh im just doing what anyone would do she such a lovely little girl and my daughter loves her all they do is laugh shes lovely and really polite too witch i think is why im so shocked tbh her mum comes across really nice too xx

Do you guys like car boot sales? Maybe on a day she stays take the girls to a car boot sale. Tell the mum your going and ask if she can take some pocket money along for some bits and point her in the direction of trainers, clothes, nice bits for her ect.

No advice apart from what has been mentioned. So sad to read, she must be so thankful you are washing her things and keeping her clean.

Or You could say you've received a bag of hand me downs and say to her they are too big for your DD would you like them for yourself instead. What size is she?

You would be very surprised at what is considered neglect.
I think you should log your concerns but do not expect much. I am constantly amazed by what is regarded as acceptable. Be careful not to make the child uncomfortable as there is every chance that social care would do nothing much if anything.

I think you should report it to the school, they are probably aware but it helps to put a picture of her family life together.

the carboot sale idea is such a good idea i think i will do this and if her mum doesnt give her any money i would buy a few things then it doesnt look like i am being patronizing does it, or the hand me down idea could be a good one ive just washed her underwear and taking it and its still stained :( they are her only pair she said xx

I feel like I'm reading about myself as a child. The boot fair thing sounds like a brilliant idea. I had a friend at school and looking back on it now her nan must have realised what I was living like at home, she'd invite me for dinners and sleepovers with her granddaughter, she even took me on a caravan holiday one summer. It meant the world to me. Even if ss don't intervene your acts of kindness probably make this girls life a lot happier than it sounds:)

Your not interfering it's letting services know about a situation . Wether any action is taken is down to the professionals

Definitely report your concerns OP, you could be a missing puzzle piece or the parents could need support. You could ring the NSPCC for advice if you’re unsure what to do.

I agree, she will always remember this OP. Thank you

Am sure among us all mumsnet could really come together and help this little girl out maybe have a sort out of there own DCs things and send on to the OP if she doesn't mind that is and then pass it off as a hand me down bag "that isn't suitable for my DD" tell her to have a rummage and take what she likes

Report to SS OP, and continue to be a safe space for this little girl, she'll remember your kindness.

I would happily do this, great idea.