So relieved I didn’t have children

[Settings11111111]

Do any other child free by choice women experience this sweeping relief from time to time? I’ve just got back from a holiday with several family children who are beautifully behaved and great company but whose parents were trapped in never ending arguments about who’d do what and who could have time to relax whilst the other minded the kids. It led to several tense atmospheres.

I know not all parents argue but I’ve got home with such an overriding sense of relief that I made the decision not to have kids.

I came on to MN for the conception board, then moved on to the infertility board, and now I’m here. Should I not be allowed on the site?

Before this thread turned into a catty back and forth, it was really thought provoking.

I was a very reluctant mother, i let my husband convince me that having a child was what we needed to do in life. I could have quite easily have gone on with my life without procreating quite happily.

Pregnancy was exceptionally hard for me, both mentally and physically. Labour was genuine trauma, it took me months and months to recover. I had post natal depression, anxiety and insomnia on top of trying to keep this little thing alive and thriving.

I love my son more than anything, and I am so thankful that he is in my life, but I wouldn’t do it again (thankfully husband only wanted the one).

I am envious of those without children, for so many of the reasons stated above. I cannot stand other people’s children and I have to really force myself to arrange play dates etc for my son. I crave time alone and I’m fed up with being touched all the time, I am so sick of being needed by every single person in my life, it’s very wearing.

However in a strange way, I think I’ve needed to have a child to truly appreciate how precious time to myself is, and making choices to suit only myself. I look back on before I had DS, and I wasted so so much time just doing nothing. I feel like if I had that time back now I would be so much more productive, and I would cherish it so much more.

It’s not at all “predominantly a site for mums.” Difficult to see how anyone could conclude that it is, given the array of topic headers.

Is the perspective of the child free asked for on parenting threads? That's also often given, a common one is comparing dogs and children. HTH

It actually is predominantly a site for mums, however MN also has a lot of advertisements and so it makes sense to welcome all.

Of course you're allowed, that's the whole point. We're all allowed.

It’s completely fine for parents to comment, that goes without saying, there’s a great post above from @sallyrhubarbbb for example.

It’s just trampling in going on about the need for us to widen our perspective that is annoying, when we’re clearly quite happy with our current perspective@GehenSieweiter. HTH

That is fine if it’s a Chat or AIBU thread. They’re for everyone and that includes parents on childfree AIBU or chat threads but dedicated boards are different.

Ah right, of course. 🫣

Did you actually read my initial comment, or just the ones in response to the 'go away' type comments? Being fine with your current perspective doesn't mean all other perspectives should be completely ignored.

@Settings11111111 I’m always happy when I read post like yours as they confirm that you made the right choice for you.

We’re very lucky to live in an era with reliable contraception so that women absolutely can choose whether to have children or not, it must’ve been awful when that wasn’t the case.

@BruFord spot on. A complete dream of mine is to live in a world free from the rest of mysoginy although that won't happen in my lifetime, or ever.

I'm glad that as a woman I can largely live how I want and just be childfree. I have many moments too in which I realise this was absolutely the right decision for me.

It’s really not that difficult a concept. AIBU and chat have always been general boards for a general audience. The dedicated boards are specifically for knitters/dog owners/Muslims/Parents of children with needs etc so if you don’t fall into those categories, then it’s probably not the board for you. Certainly not if you’re only interested in derailing their threads. Those boards should be left for people who are genuinely interested in designer handbags or keeping fish or who believe in aliens. As much as I despise the existence of the woo boards, it isn’t intended for me so I respect the people it was intended for by staying away even if I don’t respect their beliefs. We can debate those on Chat.

Not sure why you think another explanation is needed.

Because you are clearly struggling with some very simple concepts.

Anyway I think that you are best ignored now.

I'm not 'clearly struggling', I understood exactly what you said.

Is it just me, or are some of the mums posting here cranky from lack of sleep with the kids or envious of the child free or what?

Us no kidders are not gloating or anything, at least I'm not, we are just chatting about how are lives are without kids. Just like mums chat about THEIR lives WITH kids.

Is that fair enough?

I was a very reluctant mother, i let my husband convince me that having a child was what we needed to do in life. I could have quite easily have gone on with my life without procreating quite happily.

@sallyrhubarbbb I know this is a hurtful comment, but why did you stay with a partner who wanted children when you didn’t? It doesn’t sound like it was fair to either of you.

I often feel relief. I'm very ill right now and took myself off to bed for best part of a week to recover. I couldn't do that as a mum. Unless I declared a duvet day and they actually joined in. My friend is ill but she still has to parent. Sounds like a nightmare and I really feel for her.

I think reading mumsnet threads in my twenties contributed to me being childfree. The thought of marrying a seemingly decent bloke who then reverts back to the 1950s when the first child is born sounds like a literal horror movie. The resentment would set in fast.
My husband is disabled but he still does his fair share around the house and a lot more than the useless dads you read about on here. I still know most of it would be on me as a mum so that's another reason to be childfree.

I've only just found peace after a tough start in life and to upend that with the chaos, noise and 24/7 responsibility of parenting is not worth the risk for me.

@AzureCats I especially understand the part about peace. Only now that I am in my 40s do I feel I get to have an actual shot at life. I wouldn't even have gotten to that point with kids. I probably wouldn't have had the space to heal nor the thousands I spent on therapy over the past decade. The cycle of dysfunction in my family would have continued.

I sometimes come across these threads on various boards and people will say (eg) 'why are you posting on the 'without children' board then?
It's always because it's appeared in trending; maybe a lot of people are like me and generally just go to whatever's trending rather than searching out specific boards.
Just a thought.

If you have a foolproof way to ensure that you drop dead the very day you give up work, then you will indeed not be benefiting from the children other people have birthed and raised. Otherwise, you will reap the benefit of others working to pay your state pension and keep the lights on in the organisations in which your private pension is invested.

and continue to provide banking and other facilities for the duration of your retirement.

if you do have such a method, as a Childress person myself, I’d be very interested in finding out about it.

@Twatalert i funnily enough related to friendly ginger cat post quoted above, living in an impoverished household. In my case with a single mum and 6 kids. It sucked as a kid but being the adult in that situation was probably a lot worse. The stress of it all literally broke my mother.
Now I know about generational trauma, the undiagnosed mental health conditions that run in the family, the general dysfunction. No way would I risk continuing that. I'd be a good mum in decent circumstances but I have no control if I gave birth to a disabled or mentally unwell child and I just don't want that for myself or them. With my family history it's highly likely to happen and I'm not risking it. Regardless, a fully healthy and well behaved child is beyond the amount of stress I want to choose for myself anyway. I'd literally never stop worrying!

Why not ?

It’s not hurtful don’t worry, it’s a really valid question. My husband wanted kids, I knew this for a long time. I married him knowing this, and knowing that this may be the way my life went. I knew that he would be an incredible father (which he is), and I love him to death so if I was going to do it with anyone, it would only have been with him.

To be clear, I do not regret having my son, not for one minute, he is the utter light of my life. However I thought my previous comment was a useful perspective to give, as I really hadn’t planned on having kids - which yes I do realise is very naive as I knew my husband wanted a family. We were young when we married and I think I just thought if I ignored him wanting a kid it might not happen. but life didn’t work out that way, we had a big chat about it and it very nearly ended our relationship. I am very happy that I decided to get pregnant, despite how incredibly tough it has been over the years. But I can still feel wistful for time to myself, with little responsibility!