Sadness that you don’t want kids

[Cityandmakeup]

This may seem like an odd question for some and I am not really sure how to articulate. Has anyone who doesn’t want children ever felt sadness for that? I have been having pangs of sadness that I will never be pregnant. Never have that experience of doing a pregnancy test. I do not want kids and I cannot fathom these feelings yet they are there. I feel like I am missing out on part of being woman. Yet I am also 110% sure I do not want children.

Same. I've had quite enough responsibility looking after my mother and my cats, all of whom have serious and expensive medical conditions. I have no partner, couldn't even afford to live alone in earlier years, so would have been imposing a grandchild on my mother, who never wanted any - and where would the money have come from for childcare? Plus if I'd had a girl I'd have wanted to send her to a single-sex school, which would have been completely out of reach. And a boy ... doesn't bear thinking about. Good thing I don't like children and never had the slightest desire to have anything to do with them or celebrations around them, because it would have fucked up my life completely.

I do agree. But I feel sad at myself for not wanting kids.

Is there a touch of FOMO in this, OP? I don't mean the having children, but the things associated with pregnancy you mentioned. I also wonder if you're feeling this due to socialisation as much as anything else. TBH I'm a bit baffled at the concept of being sad about not wanting something you don't want. It's not a lack in you, it's clarity, knowing you don't want children.

It's not really weird.
Like some people may have chosen to not go to uni but sometimes feel bit sad that they will not experience some of the big things.

Not biological. As pps said FOMO and social pressure. There is a time every few months when my insta algorithm goes berserk and starts showing lots of pregnancy announcements etc. No idea why! Unless it's related to puppies. Easy to imagine how that can make someone feel like they are missing out on something.

I think even the most adamantly CF people have thought about this a bit- I know what my DC would have been named- and yes, pregnant women do get lots of congratulations and fuss made of them, but that's all short term Op, once the DC's a few months old DMs are just expected to get on with it. I don't hate children, I'm more indifferent to them, so no amount of baby showers and fuss would ever have been compensation for what you lose becoming a parent

I think even the most adamantly CF people have thought about this a bit- I know what my DC would have been named

A lot of them might have but I haven’t, no. I’ve got no idea what my DC would have been named, except that since I like having a long name with plenty of options I’d have gone for similar.

I’ve thought about what I’d name cats if I ever adopt one instead of fostering but that’s the closest I’ve got - and that would very much depend on the cat.

Same. Names for children or anything associated with them never crossed my mind. I've named many cats, and only once has there been an "I'd like this name for a cat someday" - and it turned out to be my current younger cat's shelter name!

Mildly wistful is how I see it, too.
I was pretty adamant at about the age of 16 that I didn't want kids, had a brief 'now or never' wobble at 30 which lasted all of two weeks and now, at 52, I have the occasional 'I wonder what it would have been like' moment. Still happy with my decision, no regrets but just, I wonder... 🤔

I've never wanted a child, not for a nano-second. Also never regretted that or day dreamed about a life with a child or children. I can barely be arsed looking after myself. Responsibility is not for everyone & I'm lucky I always knew that about myself. Also life is tough & I never wanted to put someone else through this deliberately. Why make someone else suffer? Make a person and watch them flail around like I have. Yeesh! No ta.

Most of the time I am glad I didn't want children. I love my life.

Occasionally - just occasionally - I think that life with children would be easier (in some respects - I can hear a myriad of parents howling "It bloody isn't!" ) I am aware that I don't have a family of my own and at times when people tend to revert back into their family groups (Christmas etc) I don't have that, because I don't have much in the way of wider family relationships.

I don't want children but occasionally I wish that I had wanted them because it would seem to make life easier if you can fall into the same pattern as everyone else. But then I look at friends who've been desperate for children only to experience infertility, or those who haven't found someone with whom to have kids and the desperate sadness the running-out of time has caused and I realise it's a "Grass is greener on the other side" situation.

I do also sometimes wonder that if I'd been in a relationship with someone I trusted and genuinely felt was a true partner, whether I'd have felt differently. The path not taken, and all that.

I was exactly like you but ended up having them. I dont regret it but I know I could have been very happy without them and as someone says, it never ends the caring and worrying and never, ever being able to put yourself first.

No, never had a moment's sadness and I'm 60 now. Not having kids has been a no brainer for me and I've never looked back. When I see how much time my friends now have to give up providing care for grandchildren I am even more grateful I made the right choice for me.

Threads like this one yesterday are a real eye opener.https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5098273-things-you-miss-from-before-having-kids

I get that but this thread is about people's sadness who haven't had kids so I'm not sure what you mean to add here. I'm trying not to be rude but I don't understand why parents butt into the child free threads.

@Catsmere and @EmpressaurusDeiGatti naming cats is more difficult than humans, you have to get it just right or the cat will hold it against you for years

Exactly @Daleksatemyshed !

I have discovered all cats have two names ( their given one and one that reveals itself over time) and was delighted to find out there is TS Eliot poem on that very topic!

Hello @Catsmere

It definitely isn’t just one of your holiday games!

Nearly all of my fosters have been renamed by their new parents. IMO the names range from absolutely perfect to WTF????

@Words @EmpressaurusDeiGatti @Daleksatemyshed and children can change their names eventually - I did! 😄

I’ve got a long name with plenty of short versions & I used most of them as a kid, then moved on to using my middle one for a bit. When it got to the stage where I couldn’t remember who called me what, I just went back to the whole thing.

I never wanted children, never part of my plan, we were really happy being a married couple, then suddenly when I was approaching 30, I wanted a baby, very badly. I had two in quick succession, both adults now. No regrets.

So not like most of the women on this thread then. Have you got a cat?

You're on child free mumsnet. Are you lost? Not sure what you thought to add to this thread.

@Username947531clearly hit a nerve, what I wanted to highlight is OP hasn’t said her age, she may change her mind. The site is called Mumsnet, I would dream of telling another woman they were lost, or whether they could post.

@EmpressaurusDeiGatti no cat sadly 🐈‍⬛

Yes, a lot of us on this board have been told ‘You may change your mind’ about having children.

It’s on the unofficial bingo card along with ‘You’ve never known love until…’, ‘Your life doesn’t have a purpose unless…’. & ‘What are non-parents doing on Mumsnet?’.

It's also quite offensive to tell someone they may change their mind. Some people have made an active choice, some people are unable to have children. Don't belittle someone's circumstances.

'You may change your mind' is acceptable if it's followed by 'and you may not. And either decision is fine.' Otherwise it just smacks of telling someone that you know their decision making process and what's behind it better than they do.