Sadness that you don’t want kids

[Cityandmakeup]

This may seem like an odd question for some and I am not really sure how to articulate. Has anyone who doesn’t want children ever felt sadness for that? I have been having pangs of sadness that I will never be pregnant. Never have that experience of doing a pregnancy test. I do not want kids and I cannot fathom these feelings yet they are there. I feel like I am missing out on part of being woman. Yet I am also 110% sure I do not want children.

Absolutely not. I am childfree by choice, and very happily so. No regrets or sadness whatsoever, and if I had my time again I would make the same decision without hesitation.

Not everyone likes children. Not everyone wants to share their lives with children and everything which comes with them. Not everyone wants to gamble with their body & their health to have children. Some people are too impatient, too lazy, too intolerant, too squeamish and, yes, also too selfish to be good parents. I’m one of them, and fortunately I’m self-aware enough to realise it.

Some people are too impatient, too lazy, too intolerant, too squeamish and, yes, also too selfish to be good parents. I’m one of them, and fortunately I’m self-aware enough to realise it

Oh yeah, all of those. If anyone says to me 'so you didn't want the responsibility of children?' as if that's an insult I'll happily agree with them.

Hi OP,

I know exactly what you’re talking about. I have felt the same, even though I have never wanted kids. I’m now in perimenopause and it’s making the feelings all the more intense. Especially with work colleagues being pregnant or having grandchildren. I’m scared for my future of no family. But I have explored my feelings about having kids or not for years and years, with a counsellor and I still ultimately came to the decision that it’s not for me. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel sadness or a sense that I’m not “doing what I, as a woman, was put on this Earth to do”. It’s all mixed up in societal pressure and uncertainties for the future as well as hormones. A tricky bunch of feelings for sure, because there are so many facets to it, that it’s hard to untangle what is coming from your own heart/wants/desire vs what is coming from the messages you get from society as a whole. I still cringe when I’m amongst casual peers and after talking about their own families they ask “do you have kids” and I say “no” and I’m usually either met with pity or silence, which i end up filling with the reasons why I didn’t want any. It’s not a nice feeling at all.

It's kind of you to be respectful in your post but it isn't remotely the same. But people with children always pop up on these threads saying they get it. With all due respect, you really don't.

You’re definitely not alone OP!

it may be different for you but for myself I know that ultimately it comes from a selfish place. I want the nice bits - everyone being excited for my pregnancy, getting presents, and looking like I have it all together. But I’d want the child to be an accessory to me, and I know that’s not reasonable. I couldn’t put up with the boring stuff - making sure they get to school on time, what if they fail all of their exams? What if they go through an emo phase? What if they have no friends? What if I want to fly to London after work on Friday but can’t because Lizzys got football on Saturday morning (as if I’d take her)?

I don’t worry about my daydreams because I know they won’t change my mind, and I feel grateful that I’m at least aware of what a bad parent I’d be, because it would be terrible for us both if I did have a child.

Unfortunately I feel it all the time. I've wanted children for as long as I can remember. When I see random videos of children on Instagram it actually hurts the pain I have of not having one. But then I remember why I came to terms with not having one, plus my age means now it would be very unlikely and I just have to accept that I'll have these feelings probably for the rest of my life.

I have never ever wanted children but I do understand and have occasionally felt sad that I am not a “mainstream” sort of person both in terms of wanting and having children and other stuff. Life looks easier for those in the majority. But that is just not me and never will be.

Fair enough! You are right, it is different and I agree that I cannot fully understand. Apologies :)

Being child free is an absolute joy ❤️

My next door neighbour didn’t want kids. She seems to have a great life. I admire her. She also is on the board of governors to a child’s special needs charity ( I don’t think it’s a coincidence) In her mid 50s I think. She has a pool and I don’t - that makes me sad.

Isn’t it just.

I never got the biological urge people talk about, much to my relief, and any maternal instincts I do have are thoroughly satisfied by the cats.

I’m very thankful that my brother provided grandchildren. I know my parents would never have said anything but also that they adore / adored their grandkids.

Not everyone likes children. Not everyone wants to share their lives with children and everything which comes with them.

I saw this described on MN as discrimination last week but it’s this for me. I don’t want to live with and spend time with children. Unfortunately there are many mums who say they agree except for their own, so this is never seen as a good enough reason to not have kids.

I definitely feel like this OP. I know what names I’d called my baby if I had one. I’m 99% sure I don’t want children! I’ve just seen a close friend receiving lots of flowers and gifts and before that, random people striking up conversations with her about the baby having seen her bump. And I thought I’ll never have that. There’s just this bit of life you’ll never go through, a topic you can never discuss with people. I think it’s ok to be reflective on it, even if you still don’t want children.

This thing about having no-one to look after you when you’re old is an odd one - it comes up a lot on MN but there’s also currently threads where the OP is complaining their sibling isn’t pitching in to help with their parents and the OP is pretty much getting slated, saying they have no right to expect their sibling to be involved and they don’t have to be either. So it’s very contradictory!

And then a lot of posters say they absolutely don't want their children to look after them anyway! Very odd.

Discrimination?

Some people on this site really seem to think that nobody is allowed to make choices about their private lives and who they want to spend time with. I absolutely don't want to spend time with children. (The same people love to say "what if it was old people 😱 - to which I say, no, if it's people with dementia, like my mother, I don't want to spend time with them, either.)

Yep. Apparently not liking any children or not wanting to spend time with any children is a form of age discrimination.

They did indeed use the example of elderly people as their comparator.

I think MN has lost the plot a bit, honestly.

Yeah, the age comparison gets thrown around all the time here.

The whole thing just sounds like another form of telling women we're Not Womaning Right if we don't reproduce and don't go dewy-eyed over the prospect of being around children. The first is bad and wrong, the second acceptable in mothers (ie only wanting their own children's company) but the two in combination make us close to being sociopaths.

I don't get sadness about not getting/being pregnant or the announcement of stuff like that.
I do occasionally feel sad at missing out on the social aspect of it all though. "Mum friends" and taking all the kids out to a park together and such. I enjoy going for days out with my niece, even when we take some of her friends with us too. Not enough to ever make me want kids of my own though!

Somewhat ironic given the attitude of some on this site to anyone over 50.

Ha. This was me in my 30's! But I didn't want kids, just had what if thoughts. The what if in my case was if i wasn't infertile.
Now firmly in my 50's and very content.

They did indeed use the example of elderly people as their comparator

Which is totally hilarious when you realise the sheer number of boomer bashing threads on here.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain oops didn't see your post bur great minds and all that!

I thought that too, but forgot to add it!

I have this. I had quite serious surgery so that there would be an option if in the future of having children. Then it and in fact long term relationship never happened. I do feel I miss special moments - the announcements, now relatives posting children’s birthday parties, colleagues with children graduating.

God I sound so miserable but I would not have been a good parent and too late now.

This is me.

No, I really don't want the responsibility and disruption to my life. I wouldn't be a good parent.