Sadness that you don’t want kids

[Cityandmakeup]

This may seem like an odd question for some and I am not really sure how to articulate. Has anyone who doesn’t want children ever felt sadness for that? I have been having pangs of sadness that I will never be pregnant. Never have that experience of doing a pregnancy test. I do not want kids and I cannot fathom these feelings yet they are there. I feel like I am missing out on part of being woman. Yet I am also 110% sure I do not want children.

I think it's a mature emotional response.

You know you don't want to have children.

At the same time, you know that it some ways this is a choice that brings a loss with it - even if it's the right choice.

Being able to know about that loss while knowing it's a part of the right choice, is quite sophisticated in terms of emotional development.

Many people deal with the losses involved in every choice by simply denigrating the thing not chosen - so no painful feelings have to accompany the loss.

And some of us do not feel it was a loss at all and feel no pain whatsoever about it - and find it a trifle insulting to be told what we are, or should, really be feeling if we want to be taken for mature adults, or that our dislike of the business in question is some sort of cover.

I wish I knew you IRL @Catsmere, I think we’d get on brilliantly.

maybe they enjoy it though.

Some of them probably do. But whenever I see people with kids, whether or not they seem to be enjoying themselves, I have exactly the same “thank goodness that’s not me” reaction. I can do that while recognising that I’m projecting my feelings onto them.

I have 2 kids (and 2 cats 😂🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛).

It's brave to admit you don't want children or you do but you know you probably wouldn't make a good mum.

My sister hates kids. She will have my teens over occasionally if they ask but she's often very short tempered and has no patience. She took them abroad for a week but don't think she will again 😂😂 She's always telling me how soft I am with them and if I say anything about my life. It's tough as "I decided to have kids". However she has horses and dogs and even these test her.

I'm glad she didn't follow the norms. Some people just know it's not for them. We are all early 40's. My brother however would make a good dad but his wife isn't bothered.

I don't plan on having kids or getting married and I agree with others that sometimes it's a bit sad to think you'll never be the one sharing the big news or being celebrated. Then I remember that once that's over many women seem to end up going the opposite way where they become a sub character in their own lives (not all of course). They lose their identity and are expected to live vicariously through their kids. This is the bit that really scares me.

The “what if” for me hit at 40 and I decided to try for a baby, had DD at 41 despite all those years of vehemently being against.

In my case it was absolutely the right thing. I don’t know why I changed my mind though. Probably hormones. I cried a lot when DD was first born because I so very nearly didn’t do it and that made me so sad.

But I never had the usual broody feelings and still don’t like other people’s kids very much.

I am absolutely not saying that because I think you should change your mind @Cityandmakeup, I am honestly not. It sounds like you have made the right choice for you and childfree is the right thing for many and should be normalised. But the little voices in your head were how mine started so I am just being honest.

Aww!

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Me too @Catsmere

I think it's a form of FOMO really. I honestly don't mean that in any denegrating or insincere way. I do think for some women there is a feeling of not wanting to actually raise children but still a feeling of missing out on that unique moment of seeing a line on a pregnancy test. Maybe if we could have that moment without having the baby? I realise these are obscure thoughts.

I think it is realistic to feel like you are missing out because you are. You would also miss out on a childfree life and all it would have to offer if you had children. Either way you miss out. You can't have both. You can only go down one road. Part of the human condition. We can only do what we think is best with the information we have at the time and try not to second guess ourselves too much.

At 36, never married, and no kids, I get the strange sadness of missing out on something you don’t really want.

The FOMO over not experiencing the excitement of major life events is real, even if you don’t actually want those events.

Your biochemistry can give you a few wobbles over this—I've had my own. Here’s what helps me:

Acknowledge your biochemical urges but balance them with rational thoughts. Just like you can choose professionalism over anger at work, you can choose your desires over the biological clock’s alarms. Remember, in today's world, after six million years of evolution, you have a choice.

Sometimes, I think about having a baby in terms of cost. The joy and excitement of parenthood come with significant sacrifices: lost freedom, sleepless nights, financial burdens, strained relationships, and years of toddler challenges. The excitement comes at a very high price. Others might be willing to pay it, but am I?
Same for me with the relatively short excitement of getting engaged/married... after that buzz is gone the cost to me would be 50% of my assets... still want to pay it? Probably not...

Never had sadness about not having kids myself, I know I would have hated that, but I do have pangs of guilt over not being able to give my parents a grandchild to spoil. My family is Indian, so not having kids really not that common, and my immediate family live in the states, away from their family in india. I have one brother and he also does not like kids so it's just something my mom will miss out on. I do feel bad but at the same time I also know I can't just have a kid BC she wants a grandchild.

I completely feel this way. Like I’m sad that I don’t want it, most other women I know want children and are having them - but they have very different values to me, I must remember this. I can’t focus on the sadness of something I don’t value. I must focus and be joyful for what I do value. And be thankful I have a choice to live how I want to live as so many women in the world cannot. I make sure I celebrate this every day and still allow myself to fulfil my caring era - I care for my work, my wider family, my animals, my neighbours and my friends. After all, people start families to form connection and community. I form community in my own way and I must remember that is nothing to be sad about at all :-)

Completely resonates with me. My partner and I just finalized the choice to not have kids (he had a vasectomy) and I feel a lot of grief even though I think it is the right decision for us.

I think feeling some sadness towards the road not taking is super common, natural, and understandable. Those feelings don't mean you can't be sure in your decision to be childfree, or that you won't feel great about it in future!

No. Had a pregnancy scare recently. The survivors high remains even now.

No, I've never felt sad about it. I often feel happiness and relief that I didn't go down the having children road, and at 50 the irritating "you'll change your mind" business has stopped.

I'm 51 now, and I have never wanted to have children. Luckily my then husband didn't either.

There was one period in my life, maybe mid 30s when I read a book during my commute to London. I think it was called Babyville and it was about 3 or 4 different women. One wanted a baby but couldn't conceive, one didn't want a baby but accidentally became pregnant etc ..... At the end of the book I started wondering whether I should have a baby before it became too late.

I considered it for a month and then decided that it wasn't for me. Mainly because we couldn't afford it.

I still don't regret that decision. I'm happier being a dog mum.

I did wonder if, close to menopause, I’d get that last minute urge that some people talk about.

But I’m curled up with my cat, listening to a toddler outside throwing a tantrum, & feeling very happy that it’s just the two of us.

I've never thought that. I have experienced pregnancy test joy though, when they've been negative! One of my greatest fears has always been discovering a surprise pregnancy too late in the day, so when I'm sexually active I take them every couple of months.

Like Sonia from EastEnders!

No, never, not for a moment.

Exactly like that! The thought makes my blood run cold.